To want daughter to change name

[BeanJen]

I'm just about to get divorced and my 1yr DD has his surname. I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life, when her father has basically decided to leave us because we're too much hassle. He has said to me he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself. I'm sure though that he would be offended by the idea and I know I need his permission. Ideas? I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there. Is this unreasonable? I know it's just semantics, but I always dreamed of having a child and I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

OP double barrel your names. Unless it sounds outlandish, put his name first, then later your DD can quietly just use your surname and treat his as another middle name.
Friend did the double barrelling ( though in her case kept her own name) and when relationship broke up and DF moved on she abbreviated the first surname ( his) to the initial — it was a long combined surname so didn’t fit easily on forms and envelopes.
If your ex doesn’t have much to do with his DD he won’t even be aware that she isn’t using his surname, will he?

Give her your name (or double barrel if he objects) and never change either of your names again.

My mum did this. I grew up with my stepfathers name and am very happy she did it - it made us a 'unit' with a shared name. Glad she didn't make me keep my real father's name. I love him but he's had very little influence over my life. They divorced when I was 18months and she remarried just before I started school, so she registered me at school (and everywhere else, doctors etc) with her second husband's name and that's how we stayed .

Do it OP, don't worry about passports till further down the track but make your day to day life simpler and more united

BeanJen You changing your own name after divorce is one thing, obviously you wouldn't need his permission.

It was more AdoraBell's post that I was asking about and needing a spouse's permission to change your name while married.

"Don't forget you'll also be subjecting your DD to a life of any other names you have been known by on forms."

😂

My ex husband refused to let me double barrel our children's names because (in his words) it's bad enough that they have any relation to my maiden name at all!
I've explained to them that I have gone back to my name, but if they wish to double barrel theirs or change it, that would be their choice when they're 16....I also explained that it makes no difference whatsoever as I will always be their Mum and I will always love them, a name does not change that one bit.

If it's changing your own name that's appalling that you can't call yourself what you like.

Sadly not, or at least if you want people to recognise it formally, like banks etc.

That would mean if you were divorcing and you had taken your husband's name on marriage but wanted to revert to your original name or something else you'd have to get his permission until the divorce is final.

That is correct.

If you are married, unless you have a formal separation agreement (in which case you only have to inform him), then you need your spouse's permission to change your name.

You do not need permission on divorce though, nor post divorce.

I think, but might be wrong, this only applies to women, I think men can do it without permission. But maybe that just never happens.

My sister has just been through this - her ex left her in March 2016, they've not divorced yet and she wanted to change her name and she had to get his permission.

You may find this helpful www.deedpoll.org.uk/CanIChangeMyChildsName.html

If you are married, unless you have a formal separation agreement (in which case you only have to inform him), then you need your spouse's permission to change your name.

That's absolutely not true.

I'd start by saying you want to change to yours and then you can gracefully accept the compromise of going double barrelled

You could tell him that if she keeps his name it’s likely to cause administrative hassle down the line - so for example you’d need letters of permission from him for every holiday (as your surnames won’t match). This will be a lot of effort for him so maybe he’ll be keener to allow you to double barrel so that he doesn’t need to bother?

Ask your ex if you can double barrel your daughter's name and if he agrees, then if you get remarried double barrel all your other children's names. That way they will all be linked to you and your first child by sharing your lastname from birth.

@hobblesma

If you are married, unless you have a formal separation agreement (in which case you only have to inform him), then you need your spouse's permission to change your name.

That's absolutely not true.

"Changing your name by Deed Poll does not affect any divorce proceedings that may follow your separation. Neither does it matter if divorce proceedings have commenced. All you need to do is notify "the other side" of your name change."

www.deedpoll.org.uk/AWomansRightsUponSeparation.html

Sorry, which bit are you saying is not true?

The deedpoll form my sister used had a section that asks if you are married and then says you need your spouse's permission. She had to get him to sign it.

"Whose permission do I need?
If you are married you need the written consent of your
husband or wife. "

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/695404/loc019-adult-eng.pdf

You don't need a deed poll. You can revert to maiden name at any time.

Thanks for answering my question VanGoghsDog.

I find that shocking in this day and age, but given that it's something that predominately affects women and men very rarely, I doubt it's going to be changed any time soon.

I would double-barrel, if he agrees to that, and then use only your surname on every bit of paperwork. I know quite a few people with double-barrelled surnames who since school have been 'known as' a single surname. eg Kate Smith-Williams known as Kate Smith.

You cannot change her name, as you're aware, without the father's permission. Other posters seem to think a double-barrel name is OK. It isn't, without his permission.

If you apply to court it takes something special to be allowed to change her name.

I'd also question this - if you changed your name on getting married and give her your maiden name, would you change your name again if you married again? In which case would you want to change your daughter's name again?

My advice would be to not get hung up on a name.

Don't forget you'll also be subjecting your DD to a life of any other names you have been known by on forms.

That is zero hassle and takes around 2 seconds to fill in.

I know someone who did this but I think she went via court

either that or the father gave up

he stopped seeing his children though so he really didn't have a leg to stand on. Legally it might be different if the father sees the child?

Ask him. Who cares if he's upset? You're splitting up anyway. Get his permission, revert to your maiden name, and don't change your names again.

I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

In all seriousness why is a family name connection important? Our kids have a different name to both DH and I. Instead of picking one or double-barreling we made up a new one with the letters from our names. In 20 years they have not experienced any sort of issue or felt odd about it. We have never experienced any sort of issue or felt odd about it. The government seemed to work out they were ours from the get-go so never a problem on any official paperwork or govnt systems. Everyone else in life worked out immediately who 'belonged' to who, that they were ours - probably them calling us mum/dad and us calling them gender pronouns indicating our child was a dead give away . I asked them once and they had never even had a friend who posed the question as to why they had different names to us. That surprised me but really shows what a non event it is.

We feel connected to them. They feel connected to us. None of us have ever required matching names for that so not sure why matching names are an issue or important enough to change a name after it's been given?

Think long term. What will you do if you re-marry?

I’ve posted about this before, but I was able to change my dds surname to my new married name by deed poll and didn’t need any permission from her biological father at all. Was the most simple form, small fee and that was it done. We have a separate deep poll certificate with her birth certificate and were able to get her passport in her new name.

Sorry pressed send too early!

I completely see why you feel this way.

why not ask him and go from there. If he wants nothing more to do with you he may agree for a quiet life.