To want daughter to change name

[BeanJen]

I'm just about to get divorced and my 1yr DD has his surname. I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life, when her father has basically decided to leave us because we're too much hassle. He has said to me he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself. I'm sure though that he would be offended by the idea and I know I need his permission. Ideas? I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there. Is this unreasonable? I know it's just semantics, but I always dreamed of having a child and I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

I didn't change DD's name on divorcing her dad. I reverted to my maiden name (didn't need anyone's permission even though it was before the divorce was finalised...) and subsequently remarried and had more DC.

DD (now pre-teen) has mentioned a few times about wanting the same name as the rest of the family so it obviously does feel important to some, even though she is completely secure as part of the family unit.

It might have been different had ex-H played more part in her life though. I would second those who suggest using your name informally for now then making a decision when it comes to school time.

NB. Although you can just revert to maiden name without any formalities, I would suggest using a deed poll as that gives a helpful 'chain' of evidence of name changes for official purposes.

You can ask her school to use your surname. You'll just have to explain to her why the surname on her passport is different if you get one

This is what I did with my DDs name. Changed it to mine with the school, hospital, doctors etc. I didn't need exs permission and no-one questioned it.

Speaking from my own experience, my DM simply stopped using the name on my Birth Certificate. So at school my surname was the one everyone knew me as, but my official name was different. It was less problematic for me as I didn't get a passport until I was an adult & I quietly changed my name by Deed Poll when I was 18.

I understand why you feel this way too. I’d ask and if he says no, I’d keep his name tbh. It can’t be that bad if you took it when you got married..? So I’d keep it. Not fair that you have to though, seeing as he’s being a bellend, by the sounds of things.

I wouldn’t want a different name to my dcs.

If you get married again, I wouldn’t take his name either, as I’d rather have the same name as my dcs than my husband.

I’d ask and if he says no, I’d keep his name tbh

She doesn't need his permission to change the name. I didn't need my exes say so to do it, I just did it.

Oh well if that’s the case then that’s different. I don’t know; I think, if I wanted to change it, I’d discuss it with the ex if he was reasonable, but since he’s basically abandoned his child and if it’s legal to change the name without his permission, then I’d just change it.

She doesn't need his permission to change the name.

Eh? The whole point of the post is that, legally, she does!

WinifredTheWhizzpopper

To do it legally OP would need his permission but to just change it herself she wouldn't need him to agree but his name would still be the DCs legal name. It's called the common usage name change...I'm in Ireland though so it may be different in the UK.

She doesn't need his permission to change the name

Eh? The whole point of the post is that, legally, she does!

She absolutely doesn't need his permission to change DCs name in school or doctors etc. The child will still have his surname officially(passport etc.) but will be known by OPs surname.

Oh I seeeeee...

Well, then I would probably seek his permission to change it legally, if I really wanted to change my own name back that is. I wouldn’t like to have a different name to my dcs on our passports etc, as I imagine it could be a bit of a pain when travelling.

She absolutely doesn't need his permission to change DCs name in school or doctors etc. The child will still have his surname officially(passport etc.) but will be known by OPs surname.

But that's not what you said. You said she doesn't need permission. As the thread is about changing the name there is an assumption that means legally. More so by the time you posted she doesn't need permission, as if it were fact, this would have been aparant.

this will help you to read through and get some advice.

I’ve realised I didn’t need permission due to the date dds birth was registered, at no point throughout the process was it even asked for though.

I wouldn’t like to have a different name to my dcs on our passports etc, as I imagine it could be a bit of a pain when travelling

I was questioned at a Spanish airport last year because DD still has exs name on her passport but I had brought her birth cert. with me, they looked at it and waved us through, it was fine. I can get her name changed to mine on her passport now because it's been more than 2 years that she's been using my name. Again, this may be different from the UK.

That’s good for you double .

Back to the op, I’d still do as I said in my initial post. Ask him and if he says no I’d keep his name. Good to know there’s the option to change it unofficially as a temporary measure though.

But that's not what you said. You said she doesn't need permission

I'm still saying that. If he agrees then that's great but if he doesn't agree then OP can still change her DCs name without his permission.

My daughter has six children, the second has a different surname to everyone else. (Long story) On official forms he's known by his father's surname, in every day life he uses the family name, so as not to feel different.

Good luck OP. My DS wanted to change his name from the age of 5. I suggested double barrelling, XP refused (We had been engaged, hence DS having his name. I wasn't planning on taking his name ever).

I never encouraged it in DS, but he kept on and on. XP walked out on DS completely and moved to another country 3 years ago. DS still not old enough to change his own name.

However, DS now goes by a "known as" name - my name. School uses it, GP, optician, dentist etc. He knows that his passport can't be change and he will have to take exams under his birth name until he is 16+, but is happy with the solution. School has got his name incorrect a few times, but he now says "That's my birth name, I don't use it any more, please use FahLaEtcetera."

Should I get married in future I'm still planning to keep my name and any future children will be double barrelled.

It sounds like you want to do it to hurt him a bit? You seem angry with him (which in understandable if he's being dismissive). But make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. If she was older than 1 year I would have said to leave it. But as she is not attached to the name, you could see if he will agree to a double-barrel.

I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there

I haven't read the full thread but just to be clear, as far as the law is concerned any change of name needs his consent. That includes double barrelling, use of a "known as" name or any of the other dodges generally suggested on these threads.

I'm still saying that. If he agrees then that's great but if he doesn't agree then OP can still change her DCs name without his permission.

Christ.

Not legally. No she cannot.

any change of name needs his consent. That includes double barrelling, use of a "known as" name or any of the other dodges generally suggested on these threads

OP does not need his permission to change DCs name to a known as/common usage name.

Christ

Not legally. No she cannot

FFS I know...I never once said legally, show me where I said legally.
I said common usage, google it if you don't know what it is and give me peace.

To do it legally OP would need his permission

I said that ^ hobblesma did you miss it?

FFS I know...I never once said legally, show me where I said legally.

Like I pointed out, that's what the thread is about. You can't just jump in midway with a sweeping statement and then backtrack that you never said legally. It doesn't work.

OP, while your feelings are understandable, it would probably be best to wait a couple of years before you make a decision on this, rather than making a decision in the heat of divorce.