Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To want daughter to change name

132 replies

BeanJen · 20/09/2018 13:14

I'm just about to get divorced and my 1yr DD has his surname. I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life, when her father has basically decided to leave us because we're too much hassle. He has said to me he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself. I'm sure though that he would be offended by the idea and I know I need his permission. Ideas? I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there. Is this unreasonable? I know it's just semantics, but I always dreamed of having a child and I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

OP posts:

2doubles · 20/09/2018 16:24

Like I pointed out, that's what the thread is about. You can't just jump in midway with a sweeping statement and then backtrack that you never said legally. It doesn't work

Eh? You're talking utter utter nonsense. There's a few people on this thread who have said similiar to what I have.

hobblesma · 20/09/2018 16:35

said that hobblesma did you miss it?^

No. I did miss it. However, my posters were a response to what you said previously which was..^

She doesn't need his permission to change the name. I didn't need my exes say so to do it, I just did it.

Can you see where the omission of legality took place? Where you made a sweeping statement that inferred, given the context of the thread relating to legality, you meant legally.

After that you have just backtracked and waffles some shit.

Yes the OP can call her child Lego brick if she wants, but legally, as with the context of the thread, she cannot change her child's name without the permission of the child's father.

hobblesma · 20/09/2018 16:36

*i did NOT miss it - typo

Collaborate · 20/09/2018 16:37

@2doubles FFS if you say "she can change it, like common usage" or some such crap you are literally saying she is allowed to do that. She isn't so stop pedalling your crap.

Why the hell do some people do coming on to threads like this and doling out such piss poor advice? I know sod all about open heart surgery. Maybe I should start offering advice on how to do that?

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 16:41

Eh? You're talking utter utter nonsensegrin. There's a few people on this thread who have said similiar to what I have.

However, that doesn't make it correct for England (I know you said you are in Ireland).

The law is very clear on this. In law, a child's name cannot be changed without consent of both parents if they both have parental responsibility (or by court order). This includes "known as" names; no school, doctor, dentist etc should accept a change of name without proof of both parents consent. You are not legally allowed to just turn up at school and say "oh, little Fred is now Fred Jones, not Smith".

That doesn't mean that it never happens, sometimes these institutions will do so, but they legally shouldn't.

mirialis · 20/09/2018 16:43

he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself

Well given that DD is only 1 and you are therefore going to be doing all the admin for her for the whole of her childhood, I would give her your surname on everything that doesn't require a birth certificate and let her decide when she's old enough if he wants to change it.

Should you marry again, don't change your name and if you have other children double barrel their names at the very least.

AllAtHome · 20/09/2018 16:48

I would double barrel

Why does your name trump his? Why is it not ok for your daughter to have a different name to you, but ok for him? Surely she should share your names.

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 16:51

I know sod all about open heart surgery. Maybe I should start offering advice on how to do that?

Ha! I think a thread on "things we think we are experts on" would be quite amusing. I reckon I could have a good bash at flying a 747.

2doubles · 20/09/2018 17:10

However, that doesn't make it correct for England (I know you said you are in Ireland)

There's other people on the thread who have also changed their DCs name, same as I have, who I assume are in England.

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 17:12

There's other people on the thread who have also changed their DCs name, same as I have, who I assume are in England.

Indeed. However, that still doesn't make it legal.

2doubles · 20/09/2018 17:19

Indeed. However, that still doesn't make it legal

OH...MY...GOD...for the last time, I never said the name would be changed legally. DC would still have to use the exes name for official documents but would be known in everyday life as the mothers name.

hobblesma · 20/09/2018 17:28

OH...MY...GOD...for the last time, I never said the name would be changed legally.

Your original comment implied it by omission. Everything else since then has been a shit effort to prove your point. Despite the fact your point has changed.

user1471521899 · 20/09/2018 17:35

Don't forget you'll also be subjecting your DD to a life of any other names you have been known by on forms.

That is zero hassle and takes around 2 seconds to fill in.

My name was changed when I was a kid. I have never, not once, filled in the 'other names you have been known by' on any form and it's never been an issue. I doubt very much anyone is interested in my previous surname as the name change occurred before I was even a teen.

This includes an enhanced DBS check.

Pretty sure it only applies to other names you've been know by as an adult.

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 19:12

DC would still have to use the exes name for official documents but would be known in everyday life as the mothers name.

Which isn't allowed, thats the point! No official should allow a change of "known by" name without permission of all those with parental responsibility, or a court order.

The fact that you, and others, may have persuaded schools/doctors etc to do so doesn't mean they aren't breaking the law by doing so (probably unknowingly, but they are).

If OP goes to school, or anywhere else and says "please call miniBean miniBeanJen not miniBenfred", the school should say no, not without permission from the child's father.

Collaborate · 20/09/2018 20:57

Ha! I think a thread on "things we think we are experts on" would be quite amusing. I reckon I could have a good bash at flying a 747.

Only if I can supply you with the passenger list.

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 21:00

Only if I can supply you with the passenger list.

MaryandMichael · 20/09/2018 21:05

She and I kept his name.
Now, she's married, with a different name.
I still have his name.
It's weird but I'm used to the name and don't want to use my (unusual) maiden name.

VanGoghsDog · 20/09/2018 21:17

@user1471521899

You would need it if you ever worked in a security cleared role, like SIA, govt, military, police, etc.
I had to get security cleared for a job, I had previously lived with a partner who by then was an ex, they needed to check him out and they found his name had been changed, NOT by deed poll, when he was ten, and they had to get in touch with him to out why, and check he was actually the same person.

kaytee87 · 20/09/2018 21:27

You don't need a deed poll. You can revert to maiden name at any time.

^ this, you always have the right to use your maiden name. No permission from spouse needed.

Op I'm sorry your husband is such a shit

You do need to think about what you'll do if you re-marry. You can't keep changing your daughters name based on your relationship status.

TeacupDrama · 20/09/2018 21:46

i'm a dentist and no you can't register with a known as name it has to be the legal name, ok some parents may lie and give us wrong info but doctors dentists and schools should be using the legal name in all their records /registers

We have a box for a known as name but it would be like Katie / Cath Jones instead of Catherine Mary Jones her legal name not Katie Smith instead of Catherine Jones

the OP's ex could turn up at school or just write to them and say actually smith is not her name her real name is Jones she needs to be called Jones and I'm sorry but legally that is that; she is DD Jones unless he gives permission

if he continues in her life with EOW paying maintenance sending cards presents or similar the court will probably leave name as it is but if he disappears you might find it easier to persuade them in 2-3 years time saying he has only seen her twice in 3 years he doesn't send birthday cards etc

user1471521899 · 20/09/2018 21:49

@VanGoghsDog

Fair enough. Glad to hear that they're thorough. Didn't even come up when I was being checked before teaching.

Still though, hardly the massive life changing inconvenience some people make it out to be. And not even something that affects everyone who has a name change.

And lots of women choose to change their name if they get married anyway, so already have to deal with it.

VanGoghsDog · 20/09/2018 21:55

Yeah, I agree, the issue of having to put it on forms when you're older is a total non issue.

FannyOutOfTheFarawayTree · 20/09/2018 22:00

You can call someone by a name different from their legal name. At school she could be Jane doe on the exam papers but Ziggy Smith in day to day life.

Santaclarita · 20/09/2018 22:01

Ask him anyway. And if he argues, say to him 'do you want to be a father or not'. Don't give a damn if he feels guilty, he can either agree to it or go through the courts and be proven as a waste of space sperm donor. His choice.

sliceofcheese · 20/09/2018 22:44

In my experience if the father has parental rights ie is named on birth certificate or is your spouse then both parents have to give permission if the child is under 16 for an official name change.

I wasn't able to change my name to match my mums officially as my dad blocked it. I did however change it unofficially. My school records were changed and I became "known as" the new name at school. That was the biggest and most obvious thing as a kid. Most other stuff no one really sees, even if you don't change anything else.

My bank cards and passport remained in my old name until I turned 16 ditto my medical records. Then I signed my own deed poll and changed them all officially. My GCSE exam certificates all had my new name on as the deed poll was processed before they were issued although this may be an issue if you have a birthday close to the end of the school year. Mines in the first half. College, uni, driving license and first Adult passport were all done in my new name straight away.

My new friends at secondary school had no idea my official name was different (I changed it when I was 9) for ages until one noticed my bank card when we were in town once and I was messing with it while in a queue.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.