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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second week at school - teacher made daughter cry...

274 replies

MissRoadie · 20/09/2018 08:42

I'm really upset and not sure if I am overreacting. My daughter, 4, just started reception - only in the second week. She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong'. Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

Anyway, DD totally refused to go to School this morning. Started a huge fight with me on my way out the door and is currently begging DH not to take her in. Up until yesterday she loved going to her new school.
AIBU to ask the teacher WTF?

OP posts:
LouHotel · 20/09/2018 15:22

This thread is crazy that most teachers are in agreement that it should be about encouragement at this stage and its parents arguing for criticism....what happened to trusting professionals.

My eldest is a summer born and in reception class she was praised for what she could do and anything written/spelling wise was seen as a bonus, definitely in the first term.

Technonan · 20/09/2018 16:25

Absolutely agree, Lou. I work in educational research and it's endlessly frustrating that people don't see that errors are part of learning - otherwise we'd all go straight from illiterate to being perfect writers. 4-year-olds are just starting out - they should be praised for holding a pencil, for making controlled shapes, for identifying some of these shapes as letters and if they can do it, recognising the sound those letters make - getting them all perfect comes later and will come, unless some idiot makes the whole thing far too stressful and far too much of a challenge by expecting more than they can do. It makes me so cross.

OP's DD was making good progress with her writing and they praised her - quite rightly. Good teachers don't 'correct' 4-year-olds in this way, they recognise what they can do.

ppeatfruit · 20/09/2018 16:29

At last some common sense Technoman Though do we have successive govts. for pushing formal education too young?

moredoll · 20/09/2018 16:34

OThough do we have successive govts. for pushing formal education too young?

Yes, 4 is way too young for formal education.

Coffeeisnecessary · 20/09/2018 17:08

Even my 7 year old gets letters the wrong way sometimes, and I don't always correct him, he already feels like he is bad at writing and I just want to encourage him to keep going sometimes! Especially if the work is to show understanding of something rather than just 'handwriting'. Maybe that isn't the right thing to do/not do but we are all just muddling along! Can't do any harm to speak to the teacher just to say she was a bit upset, 4 year olds are so so young for education.

Angela712 · 21/09/2018 17:28

If she's 4 generally doesn't need to bed at school. If she's struggling you could send her part time until the term she terms 5. Just a thought. Sorry she's having such a hard time. I would suggest a meeting with the teacher to discuss the incident in detail. Good luck x

GorgeousPizza · 21/09/2018 17:36

Oh my god get a grip no wonder we’re now a nation of snowflakes and entitled brats!

Earthakitty · 21/09/2018 17:43

Good Lord.
So you'd let a 4 year old dictate terms and go steaming in on the teacher ?
And why don't you correct her when she makes an error ?
Why ?
Because you should do.
That's your job as well as the teachers job.
You didn't do your job, the teacher did hers and now you're all guns blazing ?
4 year olds cry at school sometimes.
It is not the end of the world.
It's preparation for real life.
So in short yes - you are being completely unreasonable.

Earthakitty · 21/09/2018 17:44

Gorgeous Pizza.
Couldn't agree more.
I despair at modern parenting.

Zombae · 21/09/2018 17:51

OP, my child was a perfectionist in reception and got so frustrated if she wrote something wrong.
It was all resolved one day when I was writing something and I made a mistake. I showed her the page and said that adults make mistakes too, but it's ok, we just try again. After that, she was fine. When you ask her now, "is it ok to make mistakes?"
She replies, "everyone makes mistakes, you just rub it out and try again."

Try that, OP.

Also, I highly doubt the teacher shouted.

ChilliBanana · 21/09/2018 17:52

Op definitely have a chat with the teacher just so they are aware your child is upset. My son is 6 and in year 1, he still gets letters and numbers around the wrong way and gets upset about it. We try and make it into a joke "your 3 is backwards, is it trying to run away?? “ and that helps a bit.

7toGo · 21/09/2018 17:54

"Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her."

There's the problem!

SoupDragon · 21/09/2018 17:57

I think this is a classic example of that teacher quote “If you promise not to believe everything your child tells you about school, we promise not to believe everything they tell us about home”

Often, whilst what a child tells you is technically correct, what they have said means something else entirely when they’ve put their spin on it.

LLAP · 21/09/2018 17:57

I agree that this situation could be a misunderstanding, however it may not. There are good and bad teachers as in all professions. As a former T.A and parent of SEN children I have seen it all.

Itsnotme123 · 21/09/2018 18:00

Pick her up, put her in the car, and have a word with the teacher about it.
My DS used to cling to The front door frame refusing to go to school because this sort of thing used to happen. He soon learned to love school and went to uni. Stay strong.

LuluJakey1 · 21/09/2018 18:01

Get a grip! The teacher will praise and encourage her when she does well but it is perfectly reasonable to tell her if she is doing smething the wrong way. So many children in school have little resilience- I speak as a teacher. They expect things to be easy and be told they are doing them right or not to b3 asked to persevere and do something again to improve it.
We all learn by doing things we can't do, getting them wrong, understanding why and learning how to do them right.
Support the teacher and don't let your 4 year old become a child who dictates when she will go to school.

Italiangreyhound · 21/09/2018 18:06

Correct her 'a's at home, so she gets used to it.

Tell the teacher she is upset.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 21/09/2018 18:10

Hi OP, I would pop in and have a chat with the teacher, something along the lines of how DD seemed upset and worried about this. The teacher will want to know so she/he can keep and eye on what’s happening, there may be a number of adults in the class and not all will be teachers, it might be that someone has worded things badly.

Laughing at how someone read this thread to her husband who thinks this is how an entitled nation is made, the child is 4 ffs..tell that man to give his head a wobble. What an arse.

ittakes2 · 21/09/2018 18:11

Just talk to the teacher - sort out mole hills before they become mountains. If you have never said anything to correct her writing than of course she will struggle with constructive feedback that she needs to change how she is doing it. How do you think she is going to learn? If she knew how to write correctly she would be doing it now.

riceuten · 21/09/2018 18:14

So, you'd rather the teacher not correct your child ? Does she always cry when she gets things wrong and you correct her?

She needs to grow an extra skin, unfortunately, it's only downhill from here, and you intervening on her behalf is not going to improve matters

trappedinsuburbia · 21/09/2018 18:28

Totally agree with the poster a few pages back who said this is probably nothing to do with letters and more to do with being the 2nd week of school and the shine is starting to wear off.
My dd started in P1 (scotland) a good few weeks ago and the shine is well and truly off. Gone are days fun days with mummy or the fun childminder with a couple of hours at nursery and BAM replaced with 5 full days of school. I'd be saying anything to get out of going as well !!

Greensmurf1 · 21/09/2018 18:31

There’s probably a reasonable explanation or a misunderstanding worth investigating to get support from the school in soothing her anxiety about going to school.

Our teachers tell us not to correct the spellings of our kids in R or yr1 as long as they are getting the phonics right. They expect us to correct them if it’s a tricky word like “the” which requires memorisation rather than phonetically working it out. They also said that kids will still be reversing their numbers and letters in R and start of year 1. Some 4 year olds are still trying to master the tripod grip of a pencil under the early years curriculum. It would be good to check the expectations of the teachers at school and get a sense of what should be corrected, what should let slide and how to gently provide guidance so that the kids don’t give up in frustration.

lozster · 21/09/2018 18:38

OP - you are getting a hard time on here as people quickly forget what a 4 year old child is like and what is reasonable to expect in terms of skills and emotional development. My son’s reception teacher was no soft touch but even she would have encouraged any mark making. It is way above and beyond for a child to be expected to write letters in week two of reception AND write them correctly. As for the crying - well of course you don’t know what went on and you won’t unless you mention your dd being upset to the teacher which I think is totally reasonable. As for your dd being described as just wanting her own way, dictating terms, being a ‘snowflake’ etc etc - words fail me. She is 4! 4 for gods sake and behaving in a manner completely normal for her level of development.

Strongmummy · 21/09/2018 18:39

Op - I think this is a lesson in thinking before you write because your story has changed quite a bit. I also think you need to consider the massive change your 4 year old has gone through. I think it’s perfectly normal for a child to enjoy the first few weeks then get less enthusiastic once it becomes the norm ! I doubt the school has knocked her confidence out if her - a rather dramatic conclusion.

You should always feel comfortable talking to your child’s teacher especially if you DD is having issues going into school. But for the love of god don’t go in with a “WTF” attitude as you’ll embarrass yourself. Instead explain that your daughter is having difficulties going into school and discuss how the teacher can help.

FWIW my son gets frustrated with himself when he gets his writing wrong and calls himself stupid. It’s just how kids express themselves at that age I think

FullOfJellyBeans · 21/09/2018 18:41

@Earthakitty

NO you're absolutely full of rubbish. Every teacher agrees that at 4 years old it's all about encouragement and you shouldn't point out errors for very obvious reasons. At 4 most of what my DS wrote was wrong, spelled wrong, letters wrong or completely unintelligible. The teachers have said what the teachers posting on this thread have said just encourage don't point out errors or it'll put them right off however encouragingly you try to phrase it.