Second week at school - teacher made daughter cry...

[MissRoadie]

I'm really upset and not sure if I am overreacting. My daughter, 4, just started reception - only in the second week. She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong'. Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

Anyway, DD totally refused to go to School this morning. Started a huge fight with me on my way out the door and is currently begging DH not to take her in. Up until yesterday she loved going to her new school.
AIBU to ask the teacher WTF?

I was waiting for my DD to come out of dancing class the other week, and there was a gaggle of 4 girls aged 3 or 4 year olds wanting to buy something in the dance school cafe. Their rudeness was horrific, and was played out in full view of their encouraging mothers, proud as punch, watching on as their little darlings barged up to the counter.

Do you honestly not draw a distinction between not pulling kids up on bad manners and abysmal behaviour and being ethusiastic and encouraging to a child who is enthusiastic about writing before they start reception?

There is no suggestion that OP doesn’t correct her child in other, age-appropriate areas. Simply in this area, she has considered that a pre-school child who enjoys writing and is forming recognisable but occasionally incorrect letters is pretty good.

Read some but not all comments.

OP don't despair. Your DD will be feeling tired and overwhelmed after 2 weeks in school. It takes some getting used to. Anything could have happened to make your DD cry, such as the teacher's tone of voice, possibly even reprimanding another child at the same time as checking your DD's letter/number formation.

I would ask to speak to the teacher and explain what you have here. The teacher can be aware and reassure your child in future. No one in Reception expects perfect letter formation. Some children in that class will barely have held a pencil before starting school.

Going forward when working with your DD at home, I would use praise and prompt e.g. you've remembered what 'a' looks like, clever girl, I wonder if you can do it this way round now? Also, ask the teacher if she can guide you to any 'familiar to school' resources that will help with letter formation, but seriously, don't push it. She's only 4 and does not need to be upset about this at her age, neither do you.

Never correcting her is the problem. She's not used to constructive feedback so of course she's upset.

There's every chance that she's confused because her teacher has told her one thing and her parents have told her another.

I remember crying because learning the alphabet at home I was taught J and Z as J-eye (to rhyme with the I) and Zed but at school we did Jay (to rhyme with the K) and Zee.

Never correcting her is the problem. She's not used to constructive feedback so of course she's upset.

People are doing an awful lot of extrapolating. OP says they’ve never corrected her writing, including the handwriting aspects of it.

That is not the same as the child never being corrected, or never having constructive feedback. Quite a large degree of extrapolation there.

" She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong' "

Yes I extrapolate from that that the little girl is upset that she's been corrected, because she's not used to having her writing mistakes corrected.

Aw, it's tough for four year olds starting school. She'll surely still be adjusting to the whole new experience and missing you and tired? I know my 5 year old is, she just started in August and although she's enjoying school it's a huge change from two hours of fun at nursery.

I find this site really useful, and this article in particular (hope the link works):

Help kids adjust to school

It's perfectly reasonable for you to be feeling protective and concerned as she starts school. It's a huge change for you to get used to, also! I don't think you need to talk to the teacher, necessarily, but also don't think you're being unreasonable having concerns, it's only natural.

It'll get easier, don't worry. :)

Some children are perfectionists, especially first borns ime, and they have a need to do everything right. Is she like this op? What she needs most is reassurance right now, not you getting upset at the teacher. As a pp said constructive feedback is really important and it doesn't mean you can't still give her lots of praise.

Yes I extrapolate from that that the little girl is upset that she's been corrected, because she's not used to having her writing mistakes corrected.

Whereas there is no basis for that over many other reasons (general school nervousness, maybe the teacher was more direct than she’s used to, maybe she’s four and desperate to please her new teacher and has overreacted, she is fixating on this when it is actually broader issue that is really upsetting her, or the other reasons others on this thread have suggested. Maybe the teacher is a total bitch. We just don’t know.)

But well done you on confidently knowing the unknowns in this situation! That level of self-confidence in your opinion without any justification must take effort.

TBH I have been through the foundation year twice with both my DD's and by the second or third week there were tears and tantrums about not going to school. It is a massive shock to children's systems to suddenly be in school. Once the novelty wears off and they realise they have to go every day, it can take a while to adjust. It's Thursday, she is probably tired and overwhelmed at the adjustment to school. It will pass and she will be fine again. We are currently going through year 4 angst over friendship falling outs and making up. I personally wouldn't speak to the teacher over this, and would play it down with your DD. The school years are hard so you have to try and pick your battles.

If a four year old just starting school is already writing, aside from getting a couple of letters the wrong way round, then yes you can tell them they’re amazing
But if they're told they're amazing when they write their 'A's incorrectly, surely the child will think they are right and continue making the mistake.
The teacher should be able to gentle correct a child without them bursting into tears because they can't bear to be wrong.

A lot of people seem to be very angry over a very small thing.

4yr old is new to school, things are strange and scary.

4yr old has written a letter or two wrong, and been corrected by the teacher

4yr old is now upset because she had thought that everything was fine, and learns that everything is not fine, which is of course confusing and doubt-inducing.

The teacher was doing their job of teaching the child, but maybe could have put it across in a better way on that one particular occasion.

There's nothing wrong with the parent, child or teacher.

It needs nothing more than reassurance for the child that they will of course be able to read and write, and they're probably better than loads of the other kids already. If you think it's a major issue then you can have a 2 minute conversation with the teacher where you say "Oh she was a bit upset this morning about her writing because she felt like she got it all wrong yesterday, can you just keep an eye on her and offer a little bit of encouragement today so her confidence comes back up a little bit?"

That's it.

As an addendum as a language teacher:

There are two kinds of mistakes: "Slips" and "Errors"

A slip is when someone makes a mistake once, but knows the correct form, and uses it normally most of the time.

An error is when someone genuinely doesn't know the correct form and routinely makes the same mistake again and again.

As a teacher, it's important that you offer corrections for both when you can, but correcting slips is far less important than correcting errors.

Her teacher will not be able to differentiate between slips and errors until she gets to know your daughter better over a longer period of time, and even then, with very young children it can be difficult to tell. The teacher has to learn this info about every child in their class.

As a parent, you're right to ignore most slips in favour of building self esteem and confidence, but ignoring errors is just going to cause problems in the long run, so it's a balancing act between the two.

At any rate, she's 4. She has plenty of time to get it right. :)

Some children are perfectionists. Some are easily discouraged. These traits quite iften appear in reception because, gor the first time, they are in a setting being asked to do new things in the company of their peers. Your dd may have taken the gentle correction of the teacher, seen other children doing it better (by her standards) and concluded for herself that "she'd never be any good". Or maybe another child said something. Being happy and confident is easy at home when you're the only child there and your parents are full of praise. It can be a shock when you get to school and find out some children are better at somethings, or learn them faster - or at least you think they do.

You really haven’t done her any favours for telling her she’s amazing when she’s been writing her letters wrong.

No. You are doing the right thing. At 4, she is in the 'emergent literacy' stage. She's making letter shapes and beginning to grasp that tricky concept that this - a squiggle on a piece of paper - stands for that - a sound or a word. If she can produce an 'a' shape, even if it's the wrong way round, then she's doing really well.

It's fine for teachers to correct, but not in a way that makes the child feel that she got it wrong. She didn't - she's going through an important stage of the process. Telling her what she is doing is 'wrong' can disrupt this process, and can also make the whole concept of writing unattractive. The teacher should know this.

At 4, she is too young to hassled - even in a nice way - for getting letters wrong. She is at the emergent stage and this is a necessary part of the process. She'll move on at her own pace, with the right encouragement.

IWY I'd go in gently with my daughter and check out the class. Ask if you could help (there maybe a parents' rota). You can tell a lot just by looking around the classroom, is it a happy place with lots of interesting things out for the children to do? What type of attitude does the teacher and the TA have towards the class?

I have taught in and observed a great number of EY classes. There have been some quite shocking instances of unpleasant and totally unwarranted behaviour from some of the staff. towards very young children It's as if they think "Oh they're too young to tell their parents and they won't be believed anyway".

Reading some of your posts it seems that they are right.

If your child starts to cry as soon as she thinks about school then take her seriously and check the place out.

Also, if she is overwhelmed can she go for half days until she has settled in. I know not all schools offer that, but some do.

How is she meant to learn if you never correct her?
Get a grip

Would you correct a 1 yr old who only pees in her nappy windsun? Most 4 year olds are not developmentally ABLE to write it's not the norm .

They will get it right when they are able to, unless they have SN in which the parent should be even more careful with their 'correcting"

in which 'case' of course.

I doubt her tears have anything to do with her writing. Last week school was new and exciting and her aderenalin kept her going .This week the newness has worn off abit she is over tired and has crashed and burned .She probably doesn't even know why she is crying and is just pinning it on anything.

Would you correct a 1 yr old who only pees in her nappy

What a ridiculous comparison, nappies are supposed to be pee-d in. You would correct a 1 yr old pee-ing on the floor, or doing anything they shouldn't whether they are developmentally able to understand it or not. It's called teaching.

Having been in many pre-school / nursery settings, it's clear most 4 year olds are developmentally able to form the shapes which make letters. Some are better than others, some will mix things up, but most can do it to one extent or another.

My eldest DD is like this. She's 9. It has nothing to do with whether she gets corrected or criticised or told off at home (which she does!). She is a perfectionist who feeds off praise and loves to impress her teachers. She is high achieving for her age. But she takes criticism or correction from her teachers very personally. Always has.

All you can do OP is keep reiterating the message that effort is what counts. Praise her efforts and try not to focus on outcome above everything else.

Stop putting yourself first and spoiling your child.

Never correcting her is the problem. She's not used to constructive feedback so of course she's upset.

Oh come on! I'm sure OP has corrected her child when she's done something wrong she just tries to be encouraging when her DD is just beginning to learn to write!