Second week at school - teacher made daughter cry...

[MissRoadie]

I'm really upset and not sure if I am overreacting. My daughter, 4, just started reception - only in the second week. She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong'. Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

Anyway, DD totally refused to go to School this morning. Started a huge fight with me on my way out the door and is currently begging DH not to take her in. Up until yesterday she loved going to her new school.
AIBU to ask the teacher WTF?

No one is suggesting you criticise your child.

“well done, sweetheart! That’s such a good try, your b’s and w’s are perfect and that letter a is almost right! C’mon, let’s give it another go and see if you can do it.” If she doesn’t get it,

“Well done, you’ve tried so hard to get it right and I’m proud of you. Trying is the most important thing and if you practice lots, soon your a’s will be just as good as your f’s and g’s - look at those, aren’t they great? Let’s stop now and do something else. You can try again tomorrow.”

By telling her she’s amazing when she gets things wrong, she’s been given an unrealistic appraisal of herself and now that she’s been corrected at school it’s made her image of herself fall apart. Try and develop a growth mindset within her, letting her know everyone makes mistakes and that being clever is often about working hard and putting the effort in and making mistakes is not about being stupid, she’s new to school and there’s lots to learn. She can and will improve.

^Stop putting yourself first and spoiling your child.

🙄🙄

You must always correct and certainly don't tell her lies.
She isn't amazing at writing, can you see there's a huge difference between saying they are shit or amazing.
So, your dd will have been shown how to do it properly, not been told she was amazing.
That's you that's made your dd cry then, through your actions.
Stop blaming the teacher.

RomanyRoots NO NO NO that's actually terrible advice and even DC's school advise against it specifically in information given home (and this is after the reception year not before it). We were told to encourage DC's to write as much as possible and not to correct spelling or handwriting mistakes.

I do agree that Children don't need to have their performance or abilities appraised (either positively or negatively) by their parents and you should concentrate on effort though.

HOWEVER the criticisms of OP are WAY over the top. Plenty of DC are perfectionists and very sensitive by nature to the extent a minor comment came be very upsetting - especially after a tiring first week or two at school. It is not OP's fault her DD was upset (it probably wasn't the teacher's fault either).

Would you correct a 1 yr old who only pees in her nappy

Behave.

We were told to encourage DC's to write as much as possible and not to correct spelling or handwriting mistakes.

Yes! And the number of people on this thread for whom ‘writing’ and ‘letter formation/handwriting’ seems to be synonymous is depressing.

A child’s writing can be brilliant without perfect handwriting or spelling.

Just talk to the teacher - I suspect it's not anything like your child has expressed but it's been perceived that way so needs addressing by the teacher and also try to re-engage your child

I wouldn't keep her off school as it'll just be longer To resolve

Fucks sake this child is four. And she is doing amazing if she's writing clear letters and only getting some letters wrong.

I think you need to work on her not the teacher. Of course kids seem full of confidence and bravado when they spend most the time around their biggest fans (parents). Not having a dig, we all do it! I have made my Son overly competitive 😳 I was always cheering him on at being soooo good at games and sports etc. Clearly took it too far and over emphasised the winning because he’s a terrible loser now. You don’t really realise what you e done until you step back and see it effecting their day to day lives. But I need to work on that now with him. Changing the teacher/ classmates/ worlds behaviour is wrong and impossible.

For whatever reason, she reacts too strongly to criticism. Try and get to the route of it and work on it. If you see the teacher in passing you could mention it but you’ll need to do it in a way that recognises it’s probably more your problem than hers.

Jesus Christ. Telling a child she is amazing when getting her letter the wrong way round is not going to ruin her for life and mean she will never do it correctly. It’s ok to tell her amazing, it is amazing. She’s doing great. That’s what she needs to hear, not ‘oh your f’s and b’s are great and if you keep practicing your a’s Will be great too’ like someone suggesested. That is defiantly not the way to go!! She’s four. I’m leaving this thread because it’s utterly ridiculous.

That’s what she needs to hear, not ‘oh your f’s and b’s are great and if you keep practicing your a’s Will be great too’ like someone suggesested.

Why is that ridiculous that's how you get better at everything, you practice. It's good to recognise that with practice you will improve.

Saying everything is amazing is actually pretty short sighted, what do you say when she has worked hard and improved her writing. If you say it is amazing to begin with and amazing when she gets better it minimises the effort she has put in to improve.

I’m sorry Imustbemad00, but the advice I recommended is what developmental and educational psychologists would recommend and it’s been suggested that this is the most healthy attitude to equip a child with. It ensures that their self-esteem is grounded in reality, thus making them more resilient and able to deal with challenges.

The whole growth mindset thing depends a bit though. The op's daughter is 4 and wrote something - holding a pencil and making recognisable letter shapes at that age for many children is pretty amazing.

If the op's daughter was practising her "a"s it perfectly reasonable to correct the formation, but not if she's just writing generally - that seems overly nitpicky and likely to put her off when actually the thing which will improve her letter formation the most is lots of writing.

And shame on the people who are bitching about a 4 year old being entitled or a snowflake. Let's hope your behaviour is always perfect especially when tired and starting something new.

I didn’t realise this thread was about whether or not it was amazing that the four year old was writing letters, I thought the OP was asking whether she was overreacting and whether she should ask the teacher what the fuck was going on?!

I was working as a TA in one school in reception, where the teacher asked one child to stop talking during circle time. Same rules applied to everyone. The child didn't listen so received a warning that he would be moved if he continued. He did and the teacher firmly moved him and explained why. At no point did she shout. He got told off in a dirm way, but that's not the same as shoutin. Next morning he wasn't at the door. Mum brought him in at half ten and asked the teacher to not move him or tell him off for talkingagain, as he was very sensitive. And that he hadn't wanted to come in this morning because of what had happened.

Seriously. Your child is there to learn, if they do something wrong they are told off for it or corrected depending on what it is. That is life. If you have never told her off or corrected her your not doingher any favours. It is your job to work with the school to help your dd grow into into a well rounded individual. You can't do this if you let her believe everything she does is fantastic as it's setting her up for fail. It a form of never saying no to her. Critism, constructive or otherwise, is a part of life and you would do better to teach her how to take it and resilience, than going there there I'll speak to the teacher. It gives a feeling of you and them to the kids that they play on and cause divide. I suspect as well that you reacted in a way to her telling you; which made her think it was a huge deal, and proceeded to milk it for all its worth.

It's parents like you that made me leave the education sector.

I think it is amazing a four year old would call themselves stupid.

I'm sorry you felt you had to leave teaching Jenwen, but the op would not be unreasonable to ask the teacher calmly what had happened.

I would hope most Reception teachers would like to know that a child was upset about something. There is nothing in any of the Op's statements to say that she has never told off or corrected her daughter, just that she has not corrected handwriting.

You can educate kids without making them cry.

The whole growth mindset thing depends a bit though. The op's daughter is 4 and wrote something - holding a pencil and making recognisable letter shapes at that age for many children is pretty amazing

Well yes but it’s no time a given that they’ll be ahead as they go through life. Better to encourage your child to work hard, not tell them they’re great without why.

Since a young age I’ve always asked my dcs about their work etc etc instead of just telling them “good girl” etc. It also show some an interest in your part

Hi OP, haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to add (I’m a teacher)

• please mention it to the teacher. I’d want to know.
• All the reception kids are tired! They’re starting to realise that school is every day! A lot are probably not wanting to go in.
• there is no problem in my opinion with you not “criticising her”. But please help her to see / learn that all she needs to do is practise. Helping her to be resilient is the best lesson she can learn from this. And the understanding that we get better at everything with practise.

How is she meant to learn if you never correct her?
Get a grip

I remember when my, now teens, DC's primary school started to mark their maths work with just ticks, no crosses - if it was wrong there would just be a dot What's that about? How were they supposed to know where they'd gone wrong, or even that they'd got it wrong. Ridiculous.

I'm relatively new to mumsnet, and OMG this thread has been enlightening as to what this place is about.

I have taught pre-kindergarten for many years and Technonan has it exactly right. At the emergent literacy stage, she should be encouraged for her attempts, not corrected for getting a letter the wrong way around.

Furthermore, as others have rightly pointed out a play based curriculum is more beneficial than a formal pre-academic one at this age.

I am flabbergasted at the responses from others here. Of course YANBU to speak to the teacher. Keep an open mind, as a 4 year old's version of events are likely very different from the teacher's. But you should always feel comfortable speaking to your child's teacher about anything that concerns you.

As a teacher, I would not want a parent to feel uncomfortable approaching me about anything, no matter how inconsequential it might seem!

I love how all the OTT parents are actually ignoring the advice of the teachers and saying no no no you must correct their letter formation otherwise they'll never learn to write and turn into career criminals.

Sorry OP I hadn't read your updates when I said 'never correcting her' - I was just going off your first post.

I think as there are teachers on here saying they'd like you to feel you could talk to them about it that's pretty much the clearest advice MN can give!

Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

poor wee soul didn’t have a clue she was wrong because nobody ever told her before!
You can correct mistakes without criticism OP, it’s important that you do so your DD doesn’t get any nasty shocks in future.

If my DD (5) makes a mistake, I praise how hard she’s trying and say she’s almost there and to try again because I bet she can do it!

Ludicrous to praise for a mistake and then get pissed off when the child you’ve lied to gets upset when a teacher points it out!