Second week at school - teacher made daughter cry...

[MissRoadie]

I'm really upset and not sure if I am overreacting. My daughter, 4, just started reception - only in the second week. She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong'. Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

Anyway, DD totally refused to go to School this morning. Started a huge fight with me on my way out the door and is currently begging DH not to take her in. Up until yesterday she loved going to her new school.
AIBU to ask the teacher WTF?

And also. Refusing to go in? You are the parent. How can she refuse - you tell her she’s going and that’s that surely?

Hahahahahahaha

That's what I thought until my child started refusing. It really is NOT that simple, unfortunately.

I've taught reception; I think it's unlikely the teacher was unkind. I would want to know if this had caused an issue. A few words from the teacher and everything could be sorted!

Also the child is FOUR. Writing doesn't need to be perfect just yet.

Feel sad for all the kids who never get told they are amazing

If she is refusing to go to school it may well be a reaction to something else that is bothering her and she is just focussing on the perceived criticism because she can't articulate what's bothering her.

I would ask gently about the whole day and try to find out if anything else happened.

Lots of children get tearful in the first week or two of Reception. It's all new to them and it's exhausting and small things can upset them. The teacher probably showed her the right way to do something and corrected her gently but your DD might have been embarrassed.
Your DD needs lots of encouragement and support but also needs to know that she has to go to school, it's not an option.
You could mention her upset it to her teacher, tactfully.

Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her

Please don't blame the teacher for your mistakes. The teacher now has to undo the incorrect writing habits you've taught your DD.

Yes YABU. Instead of telling her she's amazing (especially when it's wrong) maybe tell her how proud you are that she tried so hard. That's supposed to build better confidence knowing that it's within her power to work at things. If she's repeatedly just told she's amazing then what she's hearing from the teacher is 'you're not amazing' when she's got something wrong.

has to go to school, it's not an option.

Except, if she carried on being upset and I got bad vibes from the teacher, I might start looking for a different school or to homeschool. Children should enjoy school, not suffer it.

I'd talk to the teacher and asked her what exactly happened and mentioned DD was upset (as an explanation why you are asking her). And tell the child in the gentle way that at school there are certain rules, and certain ways to do things, and the teachers are the ones who correct everyone. That they don't do it to be nasty, but to help, because some things, such as writing letters, is not up to your own invention/imagination.

poor lassie though. It is a big change for a 4 year old, even though it's all play and mucking about.

Wow some nastiness on here about a 4 year old and parent.

OP, children really sometimes feel they've been told off when they really haven't. There's so many things they feel they have to get to grips with when they are tiny and starting school that, for some, any feeling of doing something 'wrong' is built up in their heads. They've probably heard so much about school and learning and being good for the teacher in the build up to their first day, that it's devastating for them to feel they have got something wrong. So of course you need to talk to the teacher but tone the attitude right down from WTF to We need some help.

For those saying school refusal is a parenting issue, it absolutely isn't and unless handled carefully can cause very long term issues. Of course the OPs daughter has to go to school but the approach needs to be kind, gentle and understanding with help from the school to make her comfortable again. These are 4 year old's and we are not living in Victorian times.

Op hopefully this is just a very short term thing.

I cried for the first two weeks of school. It happens.

speak to the teacher. Ask what happend as dd was upset. If you go in with the attitude of wanting to help and not accusing, then you should get a positive response. oh and remember to thank the teacher afterwards.

Reception teaachers should be used to the questions and the parents/children settling into the school routine. it is all very normal.

Comments criticising a four year olds writing are just spiteful

No-one has criticised the childs' writing.

My dd found going to school difficult from the get go. She went through a stage of not caring about her appearance, refusing to shower etc in yr1 when her hair has always been very important. I love the way people are laughing at you. Perhaps you should have just picked your dd up kicking and screaming and dumped her there. That would solve it until tomorrow and make it worse. .

Had I dealt with dd like this she’d be needing therapy as an adult ! My main concern was not getting to School refusal and having her as happy as possible so that she could learn. If a child goes to school in a terrible state they miss a lot of the learning. At least anything up til break will not be absorbed.

I also agree that you shouldn’t say your dd is amazing. I tell my dd she is precious and special and the most important person to her mummy and daddy. I talk about pieces of work being really good or excellent if they warrant that and talk about how she tried really hard or made a great effort etc.

I would have a quiet word with the teacher and also see if she's got suggestion about how you can help your DD get the letters under control. Because it is a partnership - it's not all down to the teacher and you're doing the right thing by asking your DD to practice if she does the letters incorrectly. She's still a very young girl but she has got to learn.

But I wouldn't go in 'all guns blazing' We had a mum at DS's junior school who went into school shouting over every little thing that happened to her DS. All of us mums would try to talk to her about doing things the right way but it never sunk in. At one point she was actually asked to leave the building as she was screaming at the receptionist about her DS being told off! Turns out he'd been caught twisting another child's arm and it was the natural 'X stop that right now!' shout from a school dinner lady - he'd only told his mum half the story.

I've found it better to go in softly and build up. It doesn't make you look like a fish wife and the next time (because there is always a next time) you need to speak to a teacher they're open to listening as they realise you're reasonable.

My DS (now 11 years old) came home in tears in year 4. His story was that his teacher had told him that the next time he was late for registration he'd be kept in during break. DS always went in on time, was always one of the first back from lunch so we couldn't understand why she was being so hard on him. Being late used to worry him even before he had that teacher so it didn't make sense that he'd be deliberately dawdling. He said it was only registration that he was sometimes a few minutes late for and that was because he couldn't get to his coat peg to hang his coat up as the bigger kids in the class were blocking.

So I caught his teacher after school and asked her nicely what was going on, how often had DS been late and explained he was having problems with a couple of the bigger kids who took their time and wouldn't let him near the coat pegs. It turned out that all the class had been told they'd be kept in if they kept turning up late - she gave them 5 minutes after the bell went to get into class (which was fine the cloakrooms were a couple of minutes away) but still some were coming in after that. But she'd also told them that if they apologised for being late and explained why, they wouldn't get detention. I asked DS on the way home if that was correct and he said ... 'oh, yeah, I forgot she said we only had to explain why we were late - if we didn't or we didn't have a good excuse we'd be kept in'. Kids remember the things that upset which isn't always the whole conversation. DS's teacher also had a chat to the whole class about making sure everyone could get to their coat hooks (be more polite to each other) and moved DS peg to the end of the row. Problem solved. It's a partnership, not a power game.

Of course you mention it to the teacher so you can work with the teacher to support your DD's learning. I'd also bear in mind that your DD may just be over tired. School is a big adjustment and your DD's tears could be related to tiredness and being overwhelmed.
DS used to cry every morning going to school. It was horrible and stressful. A quick chat with the teacher should clarify how you can help DD to practise at home and let the teacher know DD is feeling a bit upset and frustrated.

I think if she's lost all confidence because someone corrected her then you haven't taught her to be resilient by pandering to her mistakes

Every person who has said they are a teacher has said they would want to know your DD was upset. By mentioning it, you can also find out what the teacher recommends you to do at home regarding correcting your DD's writing.

Also, bear in mind that you only have your DD's perception of what happened. She is unlikely to be lying, but you may only be receiving the "edited highlights". E.g. you may find out that if she was told off, it was for her reaction to having a mistake corrected rather than for the mistake itself, particularly if she has not been taught how to respond when told what she is doing is not right.

That may also explain the reluctance for going to school if she thinks that you and her teacher are going to communicate so you know what she is really doing in the classroom.

I think there's a big difference between being CRITISISED and being CORRECTED.

I have a feeling your child was corrected by the teacher, but maybe your child is too sensitive and desperate to please the teacher and took it as a criticism.

BTW, did you even question your child about how she was 'told off'?

There are always the ridiculous mums on AIBU who demand to know why you haven't taught your child the entire reception syllabus before they start reception.

My eldest started reception reading fairly fluently but he couldn't really even write his name legibly (and it's a very short name!) - he was summer born and just not very good with his fine motor skills yet (and yes I had done play doh etc. at home).

Reception is meant to be a play based, gentle introduction to school. There is a huge wealth of evidence you can easily find to show that delaying formal schooling is beneficial to children long term.

Having a quick word with the teacher will probably resolve OP's fears and enable the teacher to best encourage DD.

She is too soft. Bring told that you have done something wrong is not a criticism or a personal slight. It's a statement of fact. Your daughter would have inevitably been told she did something wrong by someone at some point in her life. The longer it took though the worse her reaction would have been. You've let her make or all the way to age four without being told she has done something wrong and you can see the result. Imagine how worse it would have been if the first time it happened to her she was 8 or 18 or 38. People get things wrong all the time. They need to learn to get over that. This learning starts from the day they are born.

Too soft! At four!

They are not mini adults they are CHILDREN.

Not necessarily Lemony.
Some kids are just eager to please those in authority and really really want to get it right.
I corrected mine all the time at home and they didn't care but if they made a mistake for their beloved Mrs X at school they used to be heartbroken. They have AS and issues with it having to be perfect and it's just something we have had to work on.

There is no reason for a 4-year-old to be criticised about letter formation. This is a child who is in her first couple of weeks of Reception! Surely, at this age, the most important thing is to keep kids interested in writing, encourage their confidence, and show them how much fun it is. I would think the best thing to do is to model correct letter formation, and maybe say something like "Oh- try doing it this way" or "Everyone check if your letter looks like this" if their letters are backwards or otherwise unconventional.

Having said that, I don't think that any parent is going to get a teacher to change their methods. The only thing you can do, OP, is talk to the teacher about how your daughter is feeling.

^This

4 is very young.

My 5 year old came to me and said that the whole class laughed at her including her teacher.

I had a friendly word with the teaching assistant "she was a bit upset last night and said everyone was laughing at her." The teaching assistant said yes everyone did laugh but that's because she made a funny joke. Cue us laughing and me telling DD that it was because she's funny. Problem solved :) a friendly chat would suffice