Second week at school - teacher made daughter cry...

[MissRoadie]

I'm really upset and not sure if I am overreacting. My daughter, 4, just started reception - only in the second week. She came home yesterday saying the teacher made her cry because she told her off because her letters and numbers 'were wrong'. Poor little mite gets her 'a's the wrong way round but we have always told her she is amazing at writing and never corrected her.

Anyway, DD totally refused to go to School this morning. Started a huge fight with me on my way out the door and is currently begging DH not to take her in. Up until yesterday she loved going to her new school.
AIBU to ask the teacher WTF?

She is "confident and happy" because you have chosen a path which doesn't teach her isn't good at everything. What's been knocked in to her is, sometimes people make mistakes and that's fine because that's how people learn. The fact your post is making it clear you think the school is doing the wrong thing, means you will face many, many issues like this if you don't nip it in the bud. Point out to your daughter she was simply being corrected and that its absolutely ok for the teacher to do this.

If a 4 year old child is writing and the only thing she's getting wrong are her As, then she IS bloody amazing!

Definitely check. I brushed off similar stories my DD told me about other children in her class until the day I actually saw the teacher bend down and screech into her face. It's not always exaggeration - far from it

The OP never said the teacher shouted.

OP, if you want to learn about constructive criticism - is worth reading up on the “growth mindset” - that’s what I’ve used with my dcs as they’ve got older.

So I’ll ask them about their work, what they like about it etc and if there’s anything they’d like to do differently next time. It’s better than saying “you’re amazing” etc etc

This is besides the point a little bit, but my 4 year old started school this week and we had a parents evening last night on an intro to the curriculum and it is not expected in the second week of reception that a child should be able to correctly write letters.

Ds is summer born and only recognises a few letters, and can’t write any of them without tracing. They are only just starting phonics now to recognise letter shapes and sounds and trace letters.

So unless op’s school follows a differently curriculum I can’t see a teacher telling a child off for not being able to correctly form an a.

Rabbity the job of a teacher of a 4-year-old in their second week of Reception is to make the child comfortable and confident in a new and overwhelming situation, to get her excited about learning new things, to help her feel confident in her abilities, to present her with lots of interesting things to learn, to help her work and play in a group, to introduce her to lots of new materials, to help her to separate from parents in a confident way, etc etc.

Of course one thing that kids learn some time in the first few years of life is that the letter "a" is formed in a particular way. This is very easy to learn if you are a child who enjoys writing. It is much more difficult to learn to write if you are lacking confidence or if you see writing as a chore, something to be feared and avoided.

As someone who's worked in schools with reception age children I think some of these comments are bonkers!!

Some children won't have been forming letters at all, for some it will be the first time they have ever tried writing of any form.

Bramd new to school four year olds should be very gently corrected in a way that doesn't make them feel they have done it all wrong, i.e 'thats a really good try, let me help you get it when better, see that bit? It goes down to the borrom (guides hand over there's describing the direction you go or whatever)

Every reception teacher worth their salt would want to know if one of their children who had only just started was this distressed over coming to school for whatever reason and most would be upset they had (I presume unintenntially) upset a child over work and would make sure to reassure and help them with it.

I would definitely say to the teacher that she was very upset this morning and worried about getting her letters wrong. Jeez people tell the teacher when little Johnny has a snotty nose..it's fine.

Some of these kids have just turned four, they are tiny, of course them being so distressed needs addressing.

OP I imagine your DH has taken her to school
I wouod also hope that he has had a chat wth the teacher bout your dd been so upset and thinking she will never be able to write.
I also hope that he will have highlighted this is a new behaviour and quite surprising.

(If he hasnt then you really need to do all the above when yu ok k her up this afternoon).

Then I wouod ask her if she has any idea of what could have happened at triggered her reaction. See what the teacher says.
Then I wouod ask the teacher if there is anything you can at do at home to help. With her writing/with whatever the teacher says was the trigger.
Stay very fact based, not emotional.

I would start with the assumption that teacher knows what she is doing but still bearing in mind, the teacher might be crap (having had a few dcs going through primary, some are absolutely amazing and others, frankly, are awful and do lasting damage to the children - as it happened to dc2 for example)

And then take it from there.

Children often have a different idea of what constitutes being told off as well. I’m an early years practitioner and have had children say to their parents that I’ve told them off for something when in reality I have told them not to do something, or said no to a request, which often results in sulking/tantrums in children who are never told no.

Being over sensitive is often a sign of school anxiety and having trouble settling in.

Talk to the teacher OP. There are bound to be other kids there that can’t write yet, it might be best for your child to do the pre-writing activities rather than writing, is being stretched is stressing her out. She is only 4.

The teacher might see something totally different - she might think your daughter is enjoying showing what she can do. Often they ‘perform’ for teacher and then come home and dissolve all over Mum or Dad!

Have a chat, I’m sure the teacher will be nice about it, reception teachers are usually lovely (although I’m biased as know lots of reception teachers and they are all lovely lol).

The poor little mite will never be able to write correctly if she isn't told when she does it wrong. Reassure your DD that everyone makes mistakes sometimes and it's the teachers job to correct her. You are making too much of this and not doing your DD any favours.

I feel for you as I felt exactly the same when my firstborn started in Reception.
It is hard to see them upset (even though the teacher hasn't done anything wrong and just doing her job). It still tugs at your heartstrings when they come out of school in tears.
The only thing I can say is it does get easier!!
Sending hugs!!

School does knock the joy and sweetness out of children. It’s shit.

Second week back at school and my kids are shattered and quite easily moved to tears (eldest started a new instrument this week 😬🙄).
I'd tell her how hard you found it learning to write, sympathise but remind her that she will learn, practicing is always good etc etc and not to worry about it. And then keep an eye on things.

Yes she should go in.

No the teacher shouldn't shout. (but you've confirmed she didn't) (babyspider always adds her own rather peculiar slant to OPs, you get used to it, read and move on, read and move on)

Yes, you should mention it to the teacher. That dd thought she had been told off because of her writing etc etc.

@LuckyAmy1986

And also. Refusing to go in? You are the parent. How can she refuse - you tell her she’s going and that’s that surely?

Pahahha. My 6 yr old dd can be a nightmare to get to school, screaming, stripping naked, running away, punching, hitting, undoing seat belt so I can't drive away. She has anxiety around school related to possible ASD.

Don't assume that it is as easy as saying "go to school" for some children. Even without SN anxiety can be a bugger.

School does knock the joy and sweetness out of children. It’s shit.

Neither helpful or accurate. What a stupid thing to post.

In regards to the op telling her she's doing amazing does no one do that when their children are first starting mark making, they try and write their name or copy a letter or try to write in that spidery crawl and it looks nothing like it should yet but they've tried and they are just starting off and it's not formal education yet so you praise them for doing it ?

I have work of my teenagers when she was four and half the letters are back to front (now know she's dyslexic but only this year ) but she's had a go at two lines and you get the general idea and the teacher has put a wow sticker on and written how brilliant it is.

Seriously children feel like they are thick and stupid and rubbish when they can't do something soon enough because they don't fit in the tick boxes of this damn Governments education system,. at least give them a few weeks of reception.

I’m a primary teacher and I think you should let the teacher know how she’s feeling. If I was her teacher I’d have a chat with her about how we’re in class to learn and I can see she is trying so hard and it’s my job to show her where she needs to keep trying. If this was on-going then I’d put together a plan to improve her resilience, there will be a lot of things like this that crop up in her education and she needs to be equipped to pick herself up and try again, even if she’s feeling disappointed she can’t do things perfectly. If you want to know more OP you could google ‘the learning pit.’

I really really doubt that the teacher would have told her off. I had a class of ten year olds last year and if I had told off everyone who formed letters incorrectly I would have spent the whole year telling people off! It is far more likely she pointed out the error in a sort of “Oops, this one is back-to-front, try it again like this,” sort of way and watched her do it again.

Exactly Intents. I used to regularly see and help a lady with a school refuser as he would literally kick ,scratch,bite and throw himself on the floor while she was trying to push a pram and walk her older child too.
It's not that easy as making them.

When mine was 12 we had a short burst of this because of issues at school.

OP if your child daughter is upset by all means have a quiet word with the teacher about the fact she was upset.

It is normal for reception children to cry... they are in a new setting, out of their comfort zone, with new routines and rules to learn, new children to get on with (who are in turn also learning how to get in with others), and a couple of weeks in are usually exhausted!

Children who are eager to please often find it really hard to take any criticism, no matter how gently it is delivered.

There is a real push in schools to help children develop a growth mindset. Basically this helps them understand that intelligence (and other abilities) aren't fixed and that through effort we can improve- and that it's fine to make mistakes, they are a part of learning.

There are plenty of story books with themes that help develop this so your daughter can start to understand that the teacher is just helping her learn. selfsufficientkids.com/growth-mindset-childrens-books/

Understand supportive mumsnet yet again at it level
All their kids must have flew through school op and came out reciting the Alphabet backwards and forwards.
Sadly though we're not all perfect.

Stopping being a drama llama!
If you are 4 years old and getting your letters the wrong way round( perfectly normal) but being told you are amazing you are going to have a bit of a reaction when someon tells you it is wrong!!
The art of resilience starts right at the toddler stages.

Jesus you lot are so cruel and nasty sometimes. Comments criticising a four year olds writing are just spiteful.
Of course her writing isn’t perfect she’s four. Of course her Mum should tell her she is amazing. Yes you could gently correct her but you’re hardly setting her up to fail as others have said. In fact your setting her up to have amazing confidence and to be willing to try.

It is also not a teachers job to make a child cry. The teacher should say “what an amazing effort your doing a great job, but can you try doing your a like this?” That’s what early years teachers should do.

I also think you should mention it, not have a go, and find out what happened because if the teacher has had a go at her for doing it wrong then she is in the wrong job or at least with the wrong year group.

Honestly can’t believe some of these comments

In regards to the op telling her she's doing amazing does no one do that when their children are first starting mark making, they try and write their name or copy a letter or try to write in that spidery crawl and it looks nothing like it should yet but they've tried and they are just starting off and it's not formal education yet so you praise them for doing it ?
Actually no, not words like amazing.
We said things like 'you are doing really well there' ' I can see your trying really hard' So yes praise but we didn't big them up for everything all the time.
They got told they were amazing when they actually did something amazing. DS 2 designed something when he was about 4. He spent nearly two hours with mechano and came with some interesting machine that was pretty dam good. He was told that was amazing.

There is no reason for a 4-year-old to be criticised about letter formation. This is a child who is in her first couple of weeks of Reception!

Thank god there are some sane posts on this thread. I think a lot of people have lost sight of what Reception is for, and that it’s part of the EYFS.

We liked my son’s school in part because they had a strong ethos around the importance of Reception as a separate learning stage, rather than as a chance to cram in the Year 1 and 2 learning as early as possible as we were proudly shown in some ‘outstanding’ schools.

She is four, it’s the second week of school and she’s writing. That she has been told both her letters and numbers are wrong (in a single day!) n a way that’s affected her confidence is a sign to me of both mediocre Reception teaching and of a school that is pushing the kids on the ‘formal’ learning far too early.