To have a baby because I want someone to love me

[gertc]

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

A child may not show you love or at least not in the way you are hoping for.

Choosing to be a lone parent isn't a problem with me, since many of us end up that way anyway.

But...if you've spent Christmas alone for 20 years, do you picture you and your child spending Christmasses alone forever? Have you talked to your friends about how you are feeling, and what you are considering doing? I know friends have other priorities, but when you say your birthday hasn't been acknowledged in decades, I have to wonder how you have become so cut off, and how easy it will be to turn this around after having a child. Because I think you would need to be committed to doing that.

Basically I think if you are going to have a child you don't need a partner, but you do need to build more human connections in your life. If you are genuinely unable to do that, it is worrying to think what your child's life would consist of.

Honestly, I say go for it if you've thought it through and it's what you really want. Loads of people have babies for worse reasons, people don't show their babies love or are much worse situations. You want a baby and if you wait too long and miss your chance how will you feel?

No , terrible idea. I have a 6 month old and I can't tell you how isolating motherhood can be , it's not the answer to all of your problems and , I think , deep down you know that already.

I can definitely see why you would think it would give you a purpose , and yeah I have a purpose as a mother but I knew I had a purpose before too. I love my baby but I know I am more than just a mother. As do/are you.

It's also a massive emotional burden to put upon a child , that baby won't be a baby forever , and what next?

Again, I believe you do know all this , I hope you are ok OP and things look up for you

Why not go for the sperm donor, then when your child gets older, try to meet a partner?

As for the age, bollocks, my friend recently met her first boyfriend at 45, her last relationship she was 16 and it lasted 32 weeks!

There is someone out there I promise!

My meaning obviously wasn’t clear. Realistically, if no one was interested when I was 23, 24, 25, 26 ... they aren’t going to be interested now.

Of course they will be !

I've known people single since they were teen-agers and meet someone in their 40s. And I mean literally not one date in 20 years!

I'd focus on having a baby of that's what you really want then see where life takes you .

Go for it gertc

Some of the things you've been told on this thread have been ridiculous and frankly patronising. Get a cat ? FFS!

ALL parents have children because we want them not because we're doing a good thing for the world or for the children themselves.

What parent among us can honestly say we had our children for non selfish reasons? I know I had mine because I had a deep feeling of need for a child but not because I thought I'd be a perfect mother. I try my best but I know I've been pretty rubbish at parenting at times.

How many people stick with damaging or just plainly incompatible relationships in the delusional belief that it's better for a child to be born to an unhappy couple than a happy single parent? In fact studies show that children who are part of unhappy families have far worse outcomes than children who are wanted and loved by a happy single parent.

If you really really want to be a mum then consider all possible outcomes good and bad and how you would manage. Do you think you can build strategies to cope and networks of support even if everything turns out badly (Disability, PND, poverty or whatever might be an outcome you dread)? If you imagine the worst and still think it would be worth it, then it probably would be.

Good luck

Go for it if you want to op. The child will be loved in a financially secure home and have friends from school and life. You can still make friends at any stage in life and providing you would want a relationship its never too late either. My aunt is 57 now and met her partner aged 53. She never thought it would happen but she kissed a lot of frogs first. Good luck

OP, you've had some ridiculous and at times quite insulting responses on here.

I'm a single mother by choice. I've always known I wanted children, ideally with a partner but that didn't happen. And in my 30s having a child became more important to me than meeting a man (which I have the rest of my life to do).

I felt lonely beforehand, despite having friends and family around me. It's quite soul destroying watching everyone around you getting married and having children when it's also what you want, and the only reason you're being left behind is because you haven't met anyone. I think my desire for motherhood and pressure to meet someone was actually quite a trigger for loneliness and depression in the past. All of that has pretty much gone now.

Since having my DS I've been far less lonely, there isn't time haha! You will get people tell you that maternity leave/motherhood is isolating and lonely even with a husband, but I've found the exact opposite. Some parents in couples struggle, some don't. Some single parents struggle, some don't. There's no blanket rule to say because you are on your own you will still feel lonely. It doesn't work like that.

Of course it's frigging hard, but there are definitely advantages choosing to raise a child on your own. You're clearly at the 'thinking' stage so I suggest you focus some research in better places than Mumsnet. There are single mother by choice books, websites, Facebook groups. Chat to people who have actually done it because they are the ones who will really understand how you may be feeling. It will help massively to figure out practicalities (e.g mat leave, childcare etc) as that will also help the decision making process.

All it sounds like to me is you want a family of your own, and ultimately that's what many people have children for. So YANBU.

As others have suggested - think about going to see a professional to talk through everything. Most of us find that saying out loud how we feel, think, needs/wants often clarifies our true situation.

Life is not the same for all. One person can have a child and be fulfilled, another feels trapped and alone. It depends on the person and their past life experiences. What I can add however, is that motherhood is never what you expect, so don't glamourize being a mum and think that it will solves everything. Keep a level head and you will be fine, but please don't have a baby believing a child will be the answer to being alone.

Truly wish you all the best and much happiness.

I think it's a terrible idea, not because of the reasons you have stated for wanting a child (though maybe a little bit) but because you don't seem to have put much thought into the life this child would have.

No doubt he would be loved but I think bringing a child in this world on your own through sperm donation, meaning he won't know anything about his father and therefore half his genetics and half his story when you have already stated he won't have any grandparents or aunts/uncles or any kind of relatives in his life is in my point of view quite selfish.

You would be bringing a child into this world whose entire world and sole source of emotional support and point of reference would be you. Meaning if anything was to happen to you, their entire world would collapse in seconds and they would have absolutely nobody left. You even admitted that if something was to happen to you, your child would end up in foster care. Does that not worry you? That you would be bringing a child into this world who would have no one but you and would be 100% reliant on you and your (hopefully) good health?

I don't know much about my father and his side of the family and it has always been hard for me to have a massive interrogation mark about half my personal story, but because I have had my mum's side of the family it kind of compensated (though never totally). I was absolutely terrified when I found out about death at age 5 and the fact that my loved ones were not immortal and I would have lived in
absolute constant state of anxiety if my mother had been the only member of my family as I would have been crippled with fear of losing her and what it would mean (I was already fearful of it even though logically I knew it would have been very likely my grandma would have looked after me)

And what if they don't like you? Or just don't get along with you? Then they are condemn to having no family left AT ALL from the get go and you are back to square one.

My mother definitely had me to fill a void in her life for example and we don't really get along at all (mostly due to her inability to acknowledge how her actions impact others!) and so I live on another continent 99.9% of the time.

Of course your child probably wouldn't be the only child in the world born under those conditions or similar but I do think going out of your way to bring a child into this world through IVF under those conditions and knowing all of this would be very selfish.

I would focus on making life fulfilling for yourself in other ways and meeting people, the happier you are in your life the more likely you are to meet people and potentially someone to build a family with. And why not foster in the meantime? Or host exchange students so your house feels less empty and you get to share your life with other people who are already keen to be a part of your family for a while ?

Sorry if my post comes across as harsh, it genuinely isn't intended to be. But I do think you would be making a mistake by bringing a child into this world without fully considering what sort of struggle your life could bring for him (long-term) and not just for you (because it's obvious solo parenting is tough!)

I am all for women being able to decide to have a baby on their own if they are well equipped mentally, emotionally and financially to deal with one. However if you have got to the age of 37 and are finding life 'very cold, empty and lonely' then I would suggest you aren't in the right place for this. Having a baby can be bloody hard, even if you have a partner and family to help, it was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. And if you are finding life such a struggle, do you think it kind to bring a baby into it?

Go for it! I have a few friends who have done this recently. Wanting a baby shouldn't only be allowed if you're in a relationship. Obviously you will research properly and know the difficulties single parents face and make and informed decision. You will never really be prepared for motherhood, partner or not it hits you in face like a steam train. A really lovely steam train!!

Having a child has filled a void for me. I had a very full social life and loads of friends but was out binge drinking a lot and being fairly self destructive. Now I have my daughter I feel completely different. It is a feeling of contentment which has stopped me hating myself as much and I love giving all my love to her. We are best friends and for me, every minute I have spent with her has made me happy. I know motherhood is different for everyone but my experience has been entirely positive so far. I don’t think because she is making me happy and has improved my life means that I am not doing the same back for her. So I think you should become a Mum if you have a huge desire to do it. If you want to give your love to a child and it will change your life for the better at the same time, then make it happen. As someone else said, children are brought into the world under much worse circumstances all the time and I don’t agree that being lonely makes you unsuitable to be a parent. Hopefully your friendship group will also flourish when you can join in with things with other Mums too.

If you have never succeeded in making yourself happy; how can you make a child happy?

And bollocks to "go for it". Call me old fashioned, but having a child (not a baby, a child, who will become a teen and an adult), isn't like deciding whether to buy a car

You'll never get women on here admitting they have emotionally leached off their child. You have had women recount experiences of it happening to the, and of women who think that there being 'much worse reasons' is a good enough reason for a mature woman to bring a child into the world.

YANBU.

I am not sure any parent really knows what is ahead of them the first time. I know I certainly didnt and nobody I know did.

I had my first child because I did not want to have an abortion. Is that a better more acceptable reason than the OPs? I was 23 in a newish relationship and had an ok job.
OP seems to be in a better position than I was.

You dont sound like you need therapy OP you sound like somebody who has reached a point in life where you have achieved the life goals people always say you should such as have a life first, have a career,be finacially stable you just have not found the right partner.

I say do it. Children are born for all sorts of reasons and in to many situations yours sounds more positive than most.

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you

if you think a cat gives you a sense of belonging, someone to spend Christmas with, go away with ... it doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately!

Actually my cat got me through some dark times, and knowing I had a furry kitty waiting for me at home was much nicer than coming home to an empty house.

Admittedly he’s not great company at Christmas, but a child might not grow up to be good company either!

You dont sound like you need therapy OP you sound like somebody who has reached a point in life where you have achieved the life goals people always say you should such as have a life first, have a career,be finacially stable you just have not found the right partner.

This. ^

I would love to challenge all those posters who are happily ensconced in their cosy marriages who were simply lucky to meet the right person, and walk a mile in the op’s shoes. Imagine if you had never had kids, and imagine how hard it would be to see all your friends settle down happily, as you drift out of touch with them one by one.

Op can you elaborate why you have no family contact, and why you seem so certain that you won’t meet anyone? The only thing that might be of concern, and I hope you appreciate that it’s because you aren’t elaborating much so it’s impossible for me to see what’s going on in the background, is that you seem quite closed and have no contact with your family. I appreciate that you may not want to go into details due to anonymity, but it might be worth exploring some therapy to try and help you with any familial or intimacy issues that you may have. Feel free to tell me to butt out though 😬

It isn’t that I have no contact with them but unfortunately they passed away when I was still young (although an adult.) Thanks.

Oh I’m so sorry gertc x

Do you think it would bring you closer to your friends if you had a baby? Perhaps they would be of some support. I wonder if they just don't realise how lonely you feel. If you had a baby I think you'd actively have to ask them for support (even just moral support!).
Would you have more than one child? Better to have 2 so they can support each other generally and also if you get sick or when you get old.

Anyway who knows what the future holds. You could have twins and then a couple of years later meet a great partner and make some fab new friends and in 5 years be living a very different life.
Good luck and I'm sending you courage to move forward and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

You could absolutely meet someone at 37! You're not old and past it, you know. My DSis met a guy when she was 40. She had never had a relationship of any kind before that. And now, aged 41, she is very, very happy in a good relationship for the first time in her life. Lots of people don't meet someone special until they are over the age of 37, so don't give up.

When I said you had MH issues OP, I meant that you sound depressed and this 'I've given up on trying to make my life better' attitude you have definitely suggests that. At the grand old age of 37 you seem to think that your life is pretty much over. If all your friends are married with kids, maybe it's time you broadened your social circle a bit and met some other single people? They're out there. Not everyone is coupled up.

Gertc – I was going to explain this last night, but it was getting late. But up until I was 27, I’d led a normal happy life. Then, over a 3 year period, both my parents died, my marriage broke down, and my best friend moved to Norway. I’ve never felt so alone in my life, and also contemplated a baby for exactly the same reasons as you. I had a cat, but that’s no substitute for human companionship. People don’t readily understand loneliness unless they’ve experienced it first-hand.

This is why I understand your desire to create a little family, your own little unit – the sort that most people take for granted. And yes, of course you can try to make friends, but that’s easier said than done, can take ages, and it’s very hit and miss. Also, it’s very easy to keep yourself busy, go to lots of clubs/societies etc ,surround yourself with acquaintances, but still struggle to find someone to spend Christmas with. I totally understand that.

However I then met DH. He already had 3 children and a larger extended family, and I’m now really happy. But I still work hard to create and maintain a support network for myself outside of this, because – heaven forbid – should anything ever happen to DH. And I’ve managed to cultivate a few friendships, but this has taken literally years.

So whilst it’s entirely possible that you could still meet a new partner, there’s nothing wrong with creating your own family.

I was thinking about having a baby on my own when I was in my early 30s. I was going to adopt. Then I met him and shelved those plans. Ended up having a baby in my early 40s. A friend met a nice man at 39 and is now pregnant at 40. It's not necessarily too late to go the conventional route, OP, but if you're ready to go it alone there's no reason why you shouldn't.

Just remember that the baby isn't there to love you (although it will) or look after you (HA ). It's your job to love the baby. And even an easy baby is bloody difficult sometimes.

But I know what you mean - I saw lots of friends have babies for 15 years before we did, and be exhausted and snappy and covered in snot and vom. So I went into it thinking it would be very difficult but worth it in the end - and actually I have been delightfully surprised by how joyous it is even if it is hard sometimes.