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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 21:01

I have a cat but it’s really not even comparable.

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 19/09/2018 21:05

to be honest it would do the job BUT it would be far easier to get a dog. kids are hard work and when youve spent a whole day at work, pick them up from nursery, feed them, run them to their extortionate priced swimming classes, bring them home, bath and bed them and they kick off at you because you put the wrong amount of peas on their plate, didnt sing the baby shark song right and didnt pack their correct princess swimming costume for swimming you dont always feel the love.

iamyourequal · 19/09/2018 21:08

I think you should get a dog for company and some therapy. It’s very unfortunate that you are alone and lonely in your late 30s but I think having a baby in these circumstances is unwise. You deserve good friends, and a partner to love and love you back. I hope that you manage to build some good relationships with adults before having a baby. Why not Take an evening class or do some volunteering to get out and meet people. Good luckFlowers

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 21:09

Seriously ... I’m not even that keen on dogs, to be honest Sad

OP posts:
Florries · 19/09/2018 21:10

OP, your future baby will probably be the most wanted little bundle in the world. Maybe give it a few months to think it through like how childcare will work, what would happen to baby in the event of X,Y+Z happening to you. Etc.

Maybe researching or asking professionals how challenging it will be for you without a good support system and how you can overcome that.

I wish you all the very best and think you will make a wonderful mother.

Original poster
gertc · 19/09/2018 21:13

That’s a really kind post florries, thanks Flowers

OP posts:
locktight · 19/09/2018 21:13

If you'd asked the question: Why did you have your baby? I think people would have listed one or more of the reasons you have given.
Your longing for a family is as valid as anyone else's.
You should go for it. 100%.

Singlenotsingle · 19/09/2018 21:15

Get a dog, or a cat. Seriously. A dog will spoil you with love.

Nagsnovalballs · 19/09/2018 21:17

Ok really my last post now. You are not listening to my point, my point IS NOT THAT YOU ARE LIKE MY MUM! I highly doubt you are anything like her.

I am trying to get you to understand that THE CHILD is left terrified of the parent being ill or leaving or dying. Of gaining awareness that if you the child didn’t do things for your parent them no one would and feeling such intense grief as a child in learning that fact. When I was very little, I thought I would have to live on my own in the house if my mum went into hospital, and as I got older I realised I’d be taken into care, which was worse.

I was an only child of a lone parent with few friends and no close family. Our Christmases were just mum and me and that is fucking lonely for the child. As a kid I craved a big family Christmas like in films. Instead it was the two of us and no amount of board games and Carol singing made that better.

You are clearly far too self involved to even read my posts as being from the perspective and experience of the child as you have only focused on The mother in my narrative.

I’m hiding this thread now.

locktight · 19/09/2018 21:17

She has a cat and doesn't get on with dogs!!

CherryPavlova · 19/09/2018 21:17

You shouldn’t have a baby to sort your problems. Completely the wrong reasons.

Nagsnovalballs · 19/09/2018 21:20

(And being much wanted and loved to my bones and having great material comfort did not lessen my fear - it made it worse as I had so much to lose)

DirtyCurtains1 · 19/09/2018 21:23

Personally I feel that if the only reason is to be loved/wanted etc then it's the wrong reason.

I have a very good friend who just wanted to be a mum. Simple. Her life was in order but she was single and was only dating in order to find a father for her child which she agrees wasn't right or fair on the person she chose to date (very picky by her own admission and nobody was 'good enough' for her to have a child with). She decided that sperm donation was the only way and she felt and still feels it's the best thing she ever did. Her child is 4 now and is absolutely thriving!

If you want to have a child, that can happen. But please do not to it to fill a void that may just be boredom/want. It is unfair on the child and yourself. If there are other factors, deal with them first. Fix anything that needs to be fixed, make sure you mental health is ok and you can actually do this alone (along with any support networks you may have) but I would also recommend speaking to people in RL about this too. Anybody close you can chat with? I ask this as my friend always told me that we gave her a sanity check (she is quite an impulsive lady!!).

But if you genuinely want to have a child because that is just what you want to do then I wish you the best of luck!!

Marie0 · 19/09/2018 21:24

I can't believe some people are suggesting a cat or a dog!! how is that in anyway comparable to a baby??

YANBU

If you feel you can have a baby and give that child love, security and everything he / she deserves then why not? Don't think it's selfish at all - you sound like you'd be a lovely Mummy :)

JustThis1Time · 19/09/2018 21:25

Cats and dogs aren't the same and don't have the life expectancy of humans, while I do think gertc would benefit from more friends, and volunteering does sound like a good idea, but this "just get a pet" advice is a bit meh. Hmm Plus she already has a cat.

I dearly loved my cat, more than I have loved most human beings. She was one of the last gifts from a belated family member I grew up with, who I loved most. My cat was the cat dog type, followed me everywhere, even into the shower Shock, greeted me at the door, talked to me, always looking to play or cuddle. She wasn't just a pet, she was family, one of my closest friends, my family sweetly referred to her as my daughter. At 13 years old she got kidney disease, it wrecked her fast and I had to put her to sleep and I still cry when I remember the way she looked at me right before she died.

I have a daughter now with my husband...a human one...when she looks into my eyes with so much love and trust and happiness, it is like nothing I've ever felt before, the emotions it brings out in me can be overwhelming at times.

Pets aren't the same.

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 21:25

I know right, Marie?! Hmm so flipping patronising, no matter how well-meaning.

OlennasWimple · 19/09/2018 21:30

You need friends not a child

You need to be able to cope when a child says "I hate you, you're the worst person in the world, I wish you were dead". You don't sound like you are in that sort of place right now

Hideandgo · 19/09/2018 21:31

You should have a baby to love it, not for it to love you. Babies and children are there for you to give them things, love, support, a home and an education. They aren’t there to give you things. But if you do a good job of giving them what they need, they will likely reciprocate.

If you think you have a lot to offer a child then that is a good reason to have one. But don’t have one to get things for yourself.

Sunkist12 · 19/09/2018 21:31

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a negative response. Yes, she may not have worded this 100% correct. But what I get from this is that she wants a child to give love to and receive in return. So what if she doesn't have friends and family around? My mum had both and I had an awful upbringin. ld witnessed and heard things a child should never have to. Sounds to me that the OP has got it together and wants a stable family unit we all want and need. Good luck OP.

DirtyCurtains1 · 19/09/2018 21:31

@Marie0 basically summed up what I was trying to say 😂

Also, if I hadn't met me DH I can genuinely say I would also be looking into these options in a few years as can honestly say all I've ever wanted is to be a mum! If you do this, you will not regret it. Being a mum is probably the most difficult but rewarding part of my life and I'm so happy I did it.

Really do wish you the best Thanks

steff13 · 19/09/2018 21:33

Dr. Phil says don't give a child a job. I have to say I agree.

Florries · 19/09/2018 21:33

Nags that level of anxiety really isn't/wasn't healthy or normal. I wish you had spoken to your GP at the time (perhaps it's not too late?) to help you deal with your irrational fear.

Just for context, OP. I didn't know my father. It was just me and mum. Us against the world i used to think we were the Gilmore girls we were best friends and soul mates. Our perfect little family was brilliant. I had the best Christmases just me and her. and Rufus the dog And to this day we are still the very best of friends.

Your reasons for wanting a baby are perfect. You actually want one and can provide a loving home. unlike many people whose reason was 'the condom broke'

GulliverUnravels · 19/09/2018 21:35

Oh OP Sad. Flowers for you; you do sound desperately lonely. But I can't help agreeing with PPs who've said this isn't a good reason to have a baby. I grew up failing to fill my mother's emotional void and failing to be the best friend she wanted, and the weight of that expectation / disappointment has never left me. I've always been loved, and my physical needs have always been met, but I just couldn't be everything she needed and that's caused both of us a huge amount of heartache over the years. I think for a few years I did fill a void - bit it wasn't sustainable past early childhood, and I think that made her parenting experience very lonely and difficult.

Whedon · 19/09/2018 21:35

It sounds like your baby would be much wanted and loved. 💐

Coffeepot72 · 19/09/2018 21:37

If you haven't got a support network, it's damn hard to create one. Most people have family, which is automatically their network, and without that, it can be tough.

So I can understand where the OP is coming from. And can someone please explain what is the right/acceptable reason to have a baby??

Ironically I think the OP would actually find it easier to make friends/find a network if she did have a child. Round here, there are dozens of groups for children/parents, and all the school mums know each other.

So I don't think the OP is as mad as some people are making out.