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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
fanfan18 · 20/09/2018 09:51

A lady at my old work place got a sperm donor, I think she was the same age as you.

She had always wanted kids but never met the right guy. She loves her child more than anything and they are both very happy.

I think as long as you can support it, go for it.

awatchedpot · 20/09/2018 09:51

Like a pp said, I think a lot of people are naturally speaking from their own experience. So those with mothers who placed a huge emotional burden on them as children and later on as adults, are worried you would be like that. But hopefully you won't be like that. And you can make sure you're not like that! It's also perfectly natural for you to feel lonely - I really don't think that makes you mentally unwell, (though of course like most people you may benefit from therapy). We live in a very couple and family dominated society. And so sorry to hear that you have lost your parents too. What I feel is pragmatically having a partner may be a better way to stave off loneliness than a child who will eventually lead their own life and depend on you less and less. Having a child is normally also harder work than having a partner. I know you haven't found one yet but doesn't mean you won't. Also your friends may well have more time for you as their children get older. But you are not unreasonable to want a child. Most parents don't have children for selfless reasons. They want to love and be loved. Or just do it because everyone else around them is and it gives their lives added meaning. You sound like you're a nice person with a lot to give. Good luck with whatever you decide to do in the future.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 10:19

Aren't they usually ungrateful shits who'll resent you for beeing "needy"? get a pet instead. It's touching how a cat or dog can love you.

And the obvious one: get out more often, make friends, meet people.
Sorry for lame advice.

BlueBug45 · 20/09/2018 10:21

@User12879923378 and OP both myself and one of my sisters' met our partners in out early 40s, and do have many of our friends and acquaintances. Some of my friends' and acquaintances were married briefly in their early 20s but most were not. Some of us have had children in our late 30s and 40s so 37 is very young to give up looking for a partner.

Yes getting yourself out and about is harder when you are older, but if you do this plus do online dating you are very likely to meet someone. Someone who actually met her OH on a night out who was doing lots of online dating, explained to me meeting people was a mindset, so if you make yourself go out with the different groups of people you know and talk to strangers plus do online dating you are open to meeting and will meet more people.

Also don't discount what Nags and others like her have said. I have a couple of friends' who have basically gone down the sperm donor route due to be worried about their fertility when they were in their mid-30d and we have encouraged them to start dating when their children have been older, as they have seemed too reliant on their children to meet their emotional needs. Seeing older acquaintances, both with and without children, meet new decent partners has made them take the plunge.

surferjet · 20/09/2018 10:35

I agree op needs to concentrate on forming relationships with adults.
Children are lovely but you can’t expect toddlers to fill the void of adult company.
I’ve been at home with a baby, I remember those days well, & as lovely as they were I was always happy to see dh at the end of the day.
I honestly think you’re setting yourself up for even more disappointment if you have a baby by yourself. Nothing wrong with being a single parent, but you seem very isolated which would be awful for both of you.
And remember, they get to 18 and bugger off to uni, or India, or flat share with mates. Grin

I’m with the ‘get a dog’ brigade. You’ll meet people too!

plasticfrog · 20/09/2018 10:40

Telling someone to get a pet when they want a child is just rediculous

I love my child and am not an animal person

A pet wouldn't add anything to my life or I to it's life.

Why not suggest someone who needs a false limb gets a new pair of trousers instead? It's about the same comparison e.g. No substitute

LemonysSnicket · 20/09/2018 10:45

I think if you're secure and can do it, then live is a really good reason to have a baby... so long as you allow them to grow without too much pressure or desperation and allow them to fly when the time comes.

Some people have babies for far worse reasons.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 20/09/2018 10:46

Of course it is - it shows the responsibility that comes with having to look after another living thing. If you can't manage a goldfish then a baby really isn't the answer.

Coffeepot72 · 20/09/2018 10:52

This may help at Christmas (it's not just for elderly people, if you read the whole article, and they always need volunteers):

communitychristmas.org.uk/

Better to do this on Christmas Day, then be alone?

user1490465531 · 20/09/2018 11:00

Not read the full thread but is there a reason you don't date?

Ngaio2 · 20/09/2018 11:44

OP if you feel in your heart you can be a good mother and you are prepared to swap the loneliness for te hard work of childcare then go ahead . No one is really prepared for what parenthood will be for them and there is no altruistic motive for having a baby so do not be deterred bycommnts here.
You sound intelligent so read a lot about childcare and a child’s emotional needs and ensure you allow your child emotional independence
Your biological clock is running out of time so you need to act fast
Good luck

plasticfrog · 20/09/2018 11:56

@AsAProfessionalFekko speaking as someone who can't manage a goldfish... my DC seem happy and are loved and looked after

I mean if you need a trial run... get a goldfish but its not something you'll need to do school runs, help with homework, organise play dates, help through heartbreak etc so not quite a qualification for becoming a parent

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 12:03

It's interesting to read why people had children and what are socially acceptable versus 'selfish' or flawed reasons.

I don't think wanting to create life or raise a child and give love to another is unreasonable at all. That yearning for a baby is natural. But wanting a baby to fill a void of loneliness might lead to a time when you have a baby and are STILL lonely, but possibly even more isolated than now.

NurseButtercup · 20/09/2018 12:12

I haven't read the entire thread, but I've come on to say, do what's right for you. Don't look for the approval of other people.

I don't have children and can't have any and I feel sad about it. I never met "him" (still haven't) and had no desire to be a single parent. I wanted a husband and children. So I don't regret sticking to that part of my decision, I do regret not being more proactive in my approach to finding "him" during my fertile years.

It's too late for me now and I've given up on men, so it's highly likely that I'll be that woman, with a couple of cats and a dog for company.

This lady started the journey to have a baby by herself at the age of 37, there's some interesting advice in this article:

motherofalllists.com/2018/04/06/buying-sperm/

And she has a Instagram page @livsalone where she documents her journey through pregnancy and her life with her son as a single parent.

Good luck x

crazycatlady5 · 20/09/2018 12:20

I don’t think I ‘dont have my shit together’ But the brutal truth is I don’t have anyone to love or love me, that’s just a fact not intended self pity-ingly.

I don’t actually think this an unusual reason to have children. Op I haven’t RTFT but if you don’t mind my assumption you’re perhaps older than your 20’s? I know someone who is about 45 and didn’t have a partner. Very successful career but wanted to have a baby before time ran out so to speak. She did, via sperm bank, and is deliriously happy with her decision and baby. Good luck OP if it’s what you want, it sounds like you have a lot of love to give Flowers

helforddreams · 20/09/2018 12:48

gertc I just wanted to let you know I have read all your posts, and actually identify with you so much. I really think you should go ahead. The problem often can be that some people who have children naturally and easily don't think as deeply and as far reaching as reasoning goes. In a way they don't have to explain themselves or give reasons to others about having children, because for many people having children within a partnership/marriage is almost expected (or the norm). Maybe in your situation it is slightly outside of the norm, and you end up having to justify yourself.

I think your reasons are real and valid. And with so much love to give any child would be lucky to have you as a mother.

However, I would not completely dismiss adoption. I adopted four children with little or no support (family had passed away and we were new to the area hence no friends locally). Now those children are adult, and my daughter is my best friend (haven't had a best friend since childhood - it's brilliant!).

I understand totally about Christmas, and can't explain how magical it is, a complete turn around from the lonely Christmasses of old.

However, I found myself at age 50 still craving children in my life, so I now foster (3 children at the moment). They give me a million times more than I can give them, but my reasons again mirror yours. I also wanted to say as I sometimes do emergency and respite foster care, there are many people who do not have support at home, and whose children go into foster care while perhaps their parent is ill or in hospital. Please don't worry about that aspect.

So I wish you well, and I wish you luck - and my advice go for it!

LemonysSnicket · 20/09/2018 13:07

I would do it in your situation

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/09/2018 13:44

Those people who suggest that the OP gets a dog are often the same sort of people who tell people like me - single and childless and have chosen to get dogs - that we are patheticfor wanting to fill the baby and partner shaped void in our lives with an animal.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/09/2018 13:47

Sent too soon....I also find that very few of those people really understand what it feels like to not speak to another human for days, what it's like to be dumped by all your friends because you don't have children and how it feels to never have anyone give you a hug when you're down or happy or just come through the door and they are pleased to see you. I get live from my dogs. I get company from my dad, but it is not the same as a husband/partner and child. And you all know it.

surferjet · 20/09/2018 13:59

Leighhalfpennysthigh

I’m not saying an amimal is a great substitute for human love & company ( although some people would! ) I’m saying that someone in the ops situation shouldn’t go out & get a designer baby just to fill emotional voids. It’s not fair on the child!
So many things could go wrong.

PND
SN child whose needs could totally exhaust one person.
The child might grow up to resent the mother.
The list is endless really.

Any of the above could happen to any woman in any situation, but from the ops starting point ( already fragile ) it’s not a good move.

Coffeepot72 · 20/09/2018 14:08

surferjet I'm not sure why you've decided the OP wants a 'designer baby'? From everything I've read, I think she'd be quite happy with a normal one?!

FrenchJunebug · 20/09/2018 14:15

I've had a child using a sperm donor. It is bloody hard and if you are not in a good place mentally (which you are not) you cannot bring a baby into this world thinking it is going to solve your problems. On the contrary as for example being a single mum means your world is narrower as you do not have the luxury of time. You are absolutely BVU.

What you need to do it look after yourself and your sense of well being.

Coffeepot72 · 20/09/2018 14:20

I don't think there's anything wrong with the OP's mental health. She is lonely, and that isn't a medical condition.

lalafafa · 20/09/2018 14:30

it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into your life, you have no support, will be even more lonely with a baby. Don't do it.

BlueBug45 · 20/09/2018 14:30

@Leighhalfpennysthigh you are presuming everyone has an entire friendship group consisting of people who can have children and people who want children.