Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have a baby because I want someone to love me

280 replies

gertc · 19/09/2018 19:04

And for me to love in return.

The truth is my life is very cold, empty and lonely. After I come home from work, that is pretty much it. Weekends and holidays are difficult. Christmas impossible.

I feel I have no sense of purpose or belonging anywhere.

I want a baby; I want a family.

Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
codenameduchess · 19/09/2018 21:37

YANBU if it's what you want.
I haven't read all of the replies, but skimmed a lot of them, but I wanted to share part of my experience with you.
When I had my lo it was the loneliest time of my life and I had a partner. Honestly I've never felt more isolated, and I have very few friends anyway. I wasn't prepared for it, she was a very wanted baby in every sense and I loved her so much but I really struggled, without support from dh and my mum when she could (we live 40 miles away and she works so it was a once a week visit) I wouldn't have coped at all. I remember walking around the park so I could 'accidentally' bump into other humans to try and talk to it sitting in cafes so someone would talk to me. Mums at groups were really clicky and basically ignored me.

That's not everyone's experience but something worth considering if you have no support system at all.

I wish you the best of luck x

gertc · 19/09/2018 21:39

Nags, I’m not trying to dismiss your posts, but you must see it’s really difficult for me to give up any hope of having a child because of one experience.

I do volunteer. It isn’t the same as having a child; I do have friends, but they have children, partners and families, I don’t. So I am not important to them.

OP posts:
surferjet · 19/09/2018 21:39

What does your dh/ dp think?

& if you haven’t got one ( sorry, haven’t rtft ) how are you going to have a baby?

gertc · 19/09/2018 21:41

Donor sperm.

OP posts:
Wispaismyfave · 19/09/2018 21:45

Would it not be better to work on getting a partner first? Surely a partner would fill the void of company and love, then in a few years you could have a baby. I have 2 small kids (2 1/2 and 1) and as ace as they both are and as much love and joy they bring I'd find it bloody hard work and isolating without my husband to share the load with. I'm not dissing single mums here but I'll never understand why anyone would want to enter into having a child alone.

Maybe try to find some hobbies/local groups where you can meet people or even internet dating?

GreenMeerkat · 19/09/2018 21:46

Do you actually want children OP? If so then there is no reason you can't have them on your own.

However.... you need to sort your emotional issues first. As others have suggested maybe therapy? Having a child because you're lonely is not a reason. Although I am married and have family close, the loneliest time of my life was when i had a newborn. Honestly, it was HARD! So if you are struggling already then it's not a good idea! Being a parent can be the loneliest job in the world.

But if you do seriously want children, deal with your emotional issues and get them under control then maybe look into it.

buckingfrolicks · 19/09/2018 21:47

DCs do give us a sense of belonging and purpose. They expose us to life, to the life of another human. They make us grow up, with their challenges. They give us a stable strong and meaningful centre to our lives.

What they don't do is cure existing existential angst, treat our mental ill health, transform our personalities or provide a companion for life.

So yes have a child, but recognise that you may still have issues to deal with and that it will be far far harder to address those areas for personal development while raising a child.

When they leave home - and they do - you will be left with yourself.

gertc · 19/09/2018 21:48

That’s just not going to happen wispa I have accepted this. I think I always knew it to be honest.

People decide to have a child alone because the alternative is not having a child at all.

OP posts:
surferjet · 19/09/2018 21:49

Was just about to say the same.
Wouldn’t it be better to find an adult to share your life with?

gertc · 19/09/2018 21:50

If it was possible, yes, but it isn’t.

OP posts:
surferjet · 19/09/2018 21:50

Why not?

gertc · 19/09/2018 21:52

I’m 37, I think if someone would have wanted to spend their life with me it would have happened by now Grin

OP posts:
Sunkist12 · 19/09/2018 21:53

Just to jump on from my last post. Having family and friends doesn't always equal a great upbringing. My DM had both, yet I had a hard childhood. I think learning from my experiences made me the parent I am today. Also, I made so many more friends after having DC. Purely from groups and school runs and these friendships are some of the most real ones I've ever had. Go for it OP

Coffeepot72 · 19/09/2018 21:55

Yes - go for it OP - what's wrong with creating a little family of your own?

Wispaismyfave · 19/09/2018 21:56

Totally agree with other people saying having a small baby was the loneliest/most isolating time of their lives. Having a baby would make you more lonely because you wouldn't even see your work colleagues on mat leave!

Why isn't it going to happen meeting someone? It's never too late!!!

Mishappening · 19/09/2018 21:57

There are now many people who have a baby without a partner and make excellent mothers. It does not do to analyse or intellectualise the desire to reproduce - it is atavistic - we are hard-wired to want to do this (in the majority of cases). You only have to look at the threads about infertility to begin to understand that.

Why should the desire to give and receive love be confined to those who happen to have met the right bloke (or in many cases met the wrong one!).

The desire to be a parent is not unreasonable; so I would say to the OP: do not feel that your desire to have a child is odd or unreasonable; but also examine whether your overriding motive is to fill the gap that you seem to be saying you have in your life through few friends - a child cannot replace that. And you need to be acutely aware that children may not turn out quite as you expect! You have to take what you get!

I am sorry that you are feeling this gap in your life and hope that things will improve for you.

ShadyLady53 · 19/09/2018 21:58

Are posters just ignoring the bit where she says if something happens to her the child would "just have to go into foster care"?!

And when I shared my experience of my mother who used me to meet her own needs as a child (and, like Nags, still does meaning I've never led the full life as an adult that I should have), she said she "didn't know" if she would be like my Mum or not.

I'm sorry, but these are serious red flags.

If you want to meet a child's emotional needs, you would focus on getting the support system in place before bringing to into the world. A child is not disposable. As you say, it's not comparable to a cat and a dog but you seem to have the attitude that , "oh well, if anything
happens to me, she'd just have to go into foster care", like you'd just drop a cat at the rspca.

Do you have any idea the kind of trauma that the child would experience going into the care system?

Nags has made some really important points which you seem dismissive of and on several points you've shown a lack of empathy and you're also not seemingly making efforts to convince posters who raise concerns of your ability to meet the emotional demands of parenthood.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go it alone, but you should seek professional help from someone who can help you process your emotions and expectations of yourself as a parent and of your child. If you want to be a good mum, you'll get help...that's how you'd know you were in a position to put a child first.

I'm sorry, I'm bowing out too and I sincerely hope that if you do go down the donor route soon you do everything you can to put that child first and become a good parent.

Wispaismyfave · 19/09/2018 22:00

My sil married my brother at 38, they met 12 months prior to this on an online dating website. My sil always thought she'd never get married as she'd never found anyone to marry her by 37. Just saying...

gertc · 19/09/2018 22:01

shady that’s if something happens to me ... to be honest, losing a parent is always going to be just awful for a child.

But even if I was married there is no guarantee he’d stick around and raise the child alone.

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 19/09/2018 22:02

If having a baby was restricted to perfect people with perfect lives, we'd be an endangered species by Christmas

gertc · 19/09/2018 22:02

I know people meet people at all ages but realistically here

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 22:05

OP, do it. If you want to have kids, do it. If you’re solvent and emotionally stable (and loneliness isn’t a sign of being unstable, before anyone jumps in) then go ahead.

Posters saying you should find a man first.
Posters saying you should get a cat, volunteer, join groups.

Bollocks to that conventional, patronising crap.

For most of us, we decide to try for children for selfish reasons (to make us happier/more fulfilled) or deep intuitive emotions, a deep biological need to do it. Doesn’t sound so different for you.

It is harsh having a new born, and will be hard without support, so bear that in mind. If you can afford to pay for support that would be a big help.

But you know what? You don’t need anyone else’s permission.

wotsittoyou · 19/09/2018 22:06

A child will not take your lonliness away. They won't care that it's your birthday. They can't offer you the secure attachment you need. I love my children, immensely, but they don't love me in the same way. They're bonded to me, but they can't offer me any support at all. That's how it works. You give, they take. I support them, dh/friends/family support me. If you expect a child to meet any of your emotional needs, you will be greatly disappointed and your child will be put in an unnatural and unfair position.

SerenDippitty · 19/09/2018 22:07

Having a child because you’re lonely is a bad idea. The child will end up as an emotional carer always having to put their parent first and not being able to live their own life. Though I suppose that can happen with two parents.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/09/2018 22:08

I'd go and talk to a good counsellor about it I think op.

If you still feel certain, go for it.

I wish you the best Flowers