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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
Twotailed · 19/09/2018 21:24

Could you write a poem of contrition, OP? Nothing complicated, just four - nine verses of sincere but lighthearted remorse.

😂😂😂

Cherrysherbet · 19/09/2018 21:25

You know op, I have to go against the grain here. If you had asked me if you could take an extra toy at my child's party, my response would have been either...'yes, of course you can' or 'oh sorry, I just need to see if everyone has one first'. I wouldn't have been shocked/cross/offended etc... It really wouldn't have been a big deal for me. I always make a few extra bags up anyway, just in case siblings come to collect or stay unexpectedly. She is an adult, and really should have been honest if she couldn't spare one.

Please don't worry about it. It's really not worth being upset over.

DancingForTheDog · 19/09/2018 21:27

I'm really trying to see the problem here but I can't. If I were hosting it wouldn't surprise me to be asked and I would happily give out left over party tat to guests' siblings. If she really didn't want to she could have said "Oh sorry, they aren't spares, some children have left without theirs so I want to hand them out tomorrow". Try not to overthink this, if she has a problem that's just weird. Some responses on here are ridiculously OTT.

HandlebarTash81 · 19/09/2018 21:29

If she’s really upset about this, do you really care? Do you want to be friends with someone that petty?

FannyOutOfTheFarawayTree · 19/09/2018 21:31

It’s not a big deal op. It’s like not having your purse ready at the checkout. Mildly annoying but nothing to crucify you over. I think though you need to understand why it was rude.

This is why it’s rude.

It’s rude because you are inconveniencing someone else.
It’s rude because you put someone in an akward position.

This is why you are inconveniencing someone - If you if you are planning a party for ten kids and want to do party bags how do you make sure it’s fair? You buy ten party bags.

If you are buying for siblings too then you either (a) take a guess as to how many there are; buy 20 instead of ten? If it’s a class of only children that’s a waste. If they each have 3 siblings it’s not enough. Do you have to do research and say it’s only for younger children? What about step siblings only there on the weekends?

So you create a situation where 9 families got one bag each but you got two. Do those families not care about the sibling too?

So. There are four ways for it to be fair.

  1. Ten guests = ten gifts.
  2. The host does research and ensures there are 27 items, enough for guests plus siblings, making sure not to cause offence by leaving anyone out.
  3. Guess and buy 20, still causing offence to the ones left out. It can be first come first served meaning those who are pushy are rewarded and those who keep quiet miss out.
  4. Host can buy 50 gifts to make sure all get extras and no one misses out.

What you did threw out the balance.

Cherrysherbet · 19/09/2018 21:33

Do not do what chocatoo suggests.
Fuck me..that would be embarrassing.
Let it go.

Twotailed · 19/09/2018 21:38

Some of the people on this thread must be in a constant frenzy of sending apology hampers and little packages of sadness brownies and self-flagellating letters, all to make up for tiny perceived transgressions like asking questions and checking that doing so was ok, which apparently mark you out as rude, unmannered, ignorant, selfish and grabby.

Mummymummums · 19/09/2018 21:38

It was rude to ask for an extra toy. I always get a couple of spares (in case a non-replier turns up) but I have plans for them if they're not used. Either put away for next DC's Birthday, give to a visiting young relative or bulk up a birthday present. I'd be a bit Hmmif someone asked for an extra but I'd be over it in minutes.
It's not much different to the people who bring uninvited siblings to parties, and then have them join in and sit down to eat without asking. (Hoping you didn't do that....)
I very much doubt that party Mum was being 'off' about that - she was probably having an unrelated bad day.
Really don't worry. It's done and dusted I'm sure.

Failingat40 · 19/09/2018 21:41

What is it about kids parties that makes parents they need to include siblings in everything the invited child does/gets??

Your other child is not her responsibility to buy toys for and by you taking a toy for your other child potentially meant that a child who was there and actually invited went without.

To all parents of more than one child...keep sibling away from parties and no they don't get a fecking party bag/toy too!! Kids need to learn they don't always get what the other has got.

At worst you've annoyed her by seeming grabby and putting her on the spot. She's probably annoyed at herself for not saying no to you there and then

Don't mention anything of it again and absolutely don't scavenge at parties in the future.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 19/09/2018 21:42

Yeah a bit rude but absolutely not worth worrying this much about. I really wouldn’t bring it up again. That won’t help. Just put it down as a minor issue and try to forget it.

The WhatsApp message is just weird. Why would you send an email to reunite something worth £2 with its intended recipient. 3 options in my mind:

  • she’s a bit weird in which case avoid her
  • she’s super passive-aggressive in which case avoid her
  • the toys are more valuable than they look in which case stick them on eBay now
SponsoredFred · 19/09/2018 21:46

Could you write a poem of contrition, OP? Nothing complicated, just four - nine verses of sincere but lighthearted remorse

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease! I cant breath...

Sassenach85 · 19/09/2018 21:54

You know I think I've cracked this ....

Play along!

Maybe she's a bit self conscious with these rich and showy mums as you put it? Maybe this was her first try at a kids party?

Could it be that when the "cheap" toys were left over she felt embarrassed and like these rich kids had rejected them?

Maybe she felt embarrassed having to chase people up with a "emmm did you forget this toy or did you leave it on purpose as it's cheap and not good enough?"

Maybe she was happy for you to have one but you have now twice highlighted to her that these little gifts were essentially rejected and left on the floor?

Am I right?? I think I am! Grin

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 22:06

I have told my dds since they were tiny that they never, ever ask for something in someone else’s house, apart from a glass of water.

Oh for fucks sake! If a child politely asked me for a cup of juice or a biscuit or for help to go to the toilet or to borrow money for bus fare or for loads of other things it would be fine!! Not rude, polite and fine. Let's not make our children so awkward socially by creating all these unnecessary rules.

You can always say no. The OP has described a situation where the woman would have said no.

OP trust me and plenty of other posters. It's fine and even if this woman was mildly annoyed she will be over it by now. You didn't really do anything wrong, you did something a lot of people would feel too awkward to do.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 22:07

*would= could

Original poster
UsualName · 19/09/2018 22:11

I just called my mum about it. Who thinks it was just fine to ask, because she could have said no. If someone asked me at my child's party, I'd be honest and say no too if I had an issue with it. My family is pretty laid back though.

A couple of people agree with me on here, but the majority don't. Overall, I don't think I did the right thing.

I did not mention in the post, but I was the last person to leave the party and these toys were left across the floor. They looked left-over, but perhaps that was presumptuous of me.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 19/09/2018 22:12

They looked left-over, but perhaps that was presumptuous of me

Well you weren’t to know that weird party mum was going to offer to drive them all to the kids’ houses Grin

Really don’t let this worry you so much.

trumpmeansfart · 19/09/2018 22:13

The WhatsApp message is just weird. Why would you send an email to reunite something worth £2 with its intended recipient. 3 options in my mind:
-she’s super passive-aggressive in which case avoid her

^^ This is the one I am thinking most likely

Has this thread made it to the Daily Fail yet?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 19/09/2018 22:16

Oh OP, Flowers. Honestly, I don't think this thread is representative of real life. I can't think of a single friend in my life who'd care a jot about it!

Honestly, it's fine. Don't beat yourself up. You sound like a nice person, so forgive yourself and move on.

Havaina · 19/09/2018 22:22

Why didn't I see this as being inappropriate? It seems rude to everyone on here, so why did it not seem rude to me?

Maybe because you wouldn't have minded if someone asked you and you would have said yes if someone had asked you?

I wouldn't have asked, but I can see why you did, even just from your OP. The host should have labelled each child's present to avoid this confusion.

NoFucksImAQueen · 19/09/2018 22:22

people are so weird on mumsnet. I always make up extra party bags and wouldn't care at all if someone wanted to take a left over one. it saves me taking it home and what use do I have for extras of the same stuff sat at home

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/09/2018 22:25

I wouldn't worry too much. At worst it's perhaps a bit cheeky but certainly didn't do anything unforgivable. Let's put it in perspective, we are talking about a left over toy here.....

WTBE · 19/09/2018 22:25

Oh god i would actually love to meet some MNetters.

I didn't even get an apology when my neighbour run my cat over, let alone a box of homemade brownies (not too big tho don't wanna overdo it) and a heartfelt letter ffs 😂

TrickyKid · 19/09/2018 22:26

Really rude to ask, I would've thought it a bit odd, what if all the parents with more than one child asked? Your kids need to learn that they don't always get the same things. She might of wanted to use the toys for another occasion.

Armadillostoes · 19/09/2018 22:26

Seriously OP don't take an AIBU dog-pile to heart. There are posters who make a habit of attacking the OP on principle, and others who like to join the pack whichever way things are going -bith camps can get quite shrill when called on it. As lots of people have said what you did really isn't such a big deal-just let it go and move on.

AmateurDad · 19/09/2018 22:26

@usualname

It doesn’t seem rude to me, because it wasn’t.

Mum gives out cheap toys at party. When every child attending has had one, your child asked if her sibling could have one and you asked the same of the host. Small trinkets that cost little but would clearly be valued by said sibling. Mum had two reasonable options: say no, or say yes. Having said yes, she should have said (or hinted) no more.

Even if the other women on here disapprove of your (imo entirely reasonable) actions, their condemnation is out of all proportion to the “crime” committed and appears to be a manifestation of Vulture Culture, where a gang of mean creatures wait for an animal to be wounded before descending en masse and tearing it apart.

You did nothing wrong. So don’t raise it again with said mother, and don’t what ever you do bring something like this up again on Mumsnet.

Btw I may get brickbats for this... Save your thumbs. I have broad shoulders and I honestly don’t care, not least because I may have just helped the OP of the hole others on here have dug for here.