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Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 12:44

Would those saying the OP was rude and grabby really have thought this if a mum you knew from school had had asked for a toy at your DC's party?

Really? A few spare toys seemingly left over. How mean are you?!

PivotPivotPIVOTTT · 20/09/2018 12:51

It wouldn't have bothered me. When I had my daughter's birthday party I had made far too many party bags so offered everyone an extra to take home for siblings. I still ended up taking a load home I would have been glad for someone to take the tat off my hands.

LaurieMarlow · 20/09/2018 13:09

Really? A few spare toys seemingly left over. How mean are you?

Do you frequently go to people's houses and ask for things that don't belong to you and haven't been offered?

Would you consider it mean if your host refused?

If someone did this to me, I would happily give it to them, but would privately note it as forward (rather than necessarily grabby) behaviour. It's not the crime of the century, but I do consider it rude.

Ultimately I think the person purchasing the toys should get to say who receives them. It doesn't matter how big or small.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 13:21

Do you frequently go to people's houses and ask for things that don't belong to you and haven't been offered?

That is nothing like what happened here. There were toys left over that should have been taken by other children attending the party. On face value it would appear that these toys were either spare or had been left deliberately.

The OP asked. The other mum should have said " oh sorry no they are for the children that were at the party "

unluckycat · 20/09/2018 13:27

I would be glad to get rid of an extra novelty toy and wouldn't have found you rude at all.

LaurieMarlow · 20/09/2018 13:28

That is nothing like what happened here

No, it's exactly the same. Things that don't belong to you, weren't bought for you, haven't been offered to you.

For all the OP knew the host may have been keeping them for children who weren't able to come, had bought spares deliberately with a plan for them, or simply put more out than she thought she had.

I don't understand why people become such cheeky fuckers when their children are involved.

Bumpitybumper · 20/09/2018 13:43

Some of the responses on this thread are hilarious and incredibly petty. The toy cost two quid and I bet some parents have intentionally not claimed their toy as they didn't want to take it home. Not everyone is massively keen on novelty toys that may not be played with and will still require storage space so it's not like OP is necessarily depriving anyone. If the mum that organised the party is so adamant that all of the attendees must have a toy then she shouldn't have said yes to OP in the first place and I assume she can replace the toy easily enough. It's not a big enough deal to snub someone!

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 13:45

So, you asked for one of the leftover plastic shite trinkets that was laying around at a child's party.

Much ado about nothing. Please don't give it another thought.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 13:45

How is it not like what happened here? Asking for a doggy bag after being invited to coffee and you could see that all the cake hadn’t been eaten is exactly the same as what happened here.
Fwiw, if anyone asked me could they take the remains of the cake home I’d probably say yes, but would think they had absolutely no boundaries.
If they asked me the next day to reassure them it had been ok to take it, I’d never invite them anywhere again.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 13:47

I loved the suggestion that you should make a donation to a charity to redress the balance. Smile

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 13:56

No, it's exactly the same

No it isn't. If you're that hard of thinking I won't bother explaining again why it's different as I get the feeling you still won't get it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 13:58

Maybe you’re the one that doesn’t get it, GreatDuck...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 14:05

Get what? That the OP was ok to ask for a toy that she presumed was spare or had been left on purpose? And that the other mum was/is odd for not speaking up.

I get it alright!

politicalgames · 20/09/2018 14:08

Iamagreyhound

You are possibly the most legalistic poster I've ever seen on mumsnet. Have a big slice of real cake and go squish one of those stress relieving bits of tat the OP's DD loved so much. And take comfort in the knowledge that there are many, many people who don't sweat the small stuff to quite this extent. Relax!!

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2018 14:08

I think op it's the way you did it.

You should have clarified if they were spare and if she had plans for them. She may have wished to give them to kids she knew who couldn't attend for example, or they may not have been spare. She was put on the spot basically by you asking to have one and said yes.

Ultimately though when your kid goes to a party they often get a goody bag. It is a thank you for coming thing. It's not free stuff you take home for your other kids. It's a bit grabby to think it is.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/09/2018 14:09

Do you frequently go to people's houses and ask for things that don't belong to you and haven't been offered?

Oh ffs!!!!! How can anyone live life so literally?!

The gulf between MN and how people actually act in real life!

Real life:

Thanks for the party - it's been great. Do you mind if I grab one of these for DD, if they're spare?

No - totally fine, help yourself

OR

Oh sorry, I need to hang on to a few things for kids/next party/whatever.

Cool okay. See you next week!

Mumsnet Life:

Thanks for the party - it's been great. Do you mind if I grab one of these for DD, if they're spare?

No. Take it.

Followed by tiny chocolate apology brownies, poems of remorse, weeping, self-flagellation and charitable donations.

Vinylsamso · 20/09/2018 14:09

I wouldn’t have cared in the slightest if you asked to take an extra cheap novelty toy home for another child. BUT, I’m really easy come easy go mentality. Being this way I notice that most people are not this way and get really funny over possessions and material things, no matter what the cost. She probably thought it was rude. Nothing you can do about it now. You’ve explained you thought they were just left overs. We all got really worried if we think someone might think badly of us and throw situations out of perspective. It’s a waste of life to give this anymore thought. Keep smiling at her. Forgot about it.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/09/2018 14:11

Sorry, a couple of Grins should have been liberally sprinkled over that post, like mollifying little apology brownies. Grin

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2018 14:12

Asking for a doggy bag after being invited to coffee and you could see that all the cake hadn’t been eaten is exactly the same as what happened here

I totally agree with you. Being hosted by someone and then seeing all of something isn't used by them and then saying can I have that then, is exactly the same. Of course you'd say yes, but you'd think the person a bit cheeky if you didn't particularly know them very well as is the case here.

Vinylsamso · 20/09/2018 14:19

Sorry, forgot to add:
She may be overly possessive to her belongings or over value because she believed the Mums who forgot them had the time or inclination to arrange collecting this small novelty item. I have a friend like this. She treats every item she buys like a block of solid gold. She came from a family where they got nothing so everything she does buy is very precious to her. Luckily we are great friends so While I call her crazy for it she thinks I’m crazy and feral for being the other way.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2018 14:26

I'm not sure that's right vinyl. She may have had plans for the extra.

I think the issue is the op just saw it as free stuff. She didn't see it as things the host had bought and may have plans for. She didn't clarify either, not whether they were actually spare or if she had plans for them, she just asked if she could have another present. She may also have had more than one kid there and already had two.

And as said, normal etiquette is a gift for the kids who attend, it's not a gift for your other kids at home too. The woman could see she had extra, she will know the op had another kid. She didn't offer. So I'd assume she wasn't offering for a reason. The op and her are hardly best friends,

Ultimately it's not a big deal, if it's bothering the other woman she needs to have a word with herself, but as said, there is a way to ask and this wasn't it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 14:34

If she had plans for the extra toys why on earth didn't she smile and say so?

Vinylsamso · 20/09/2018 14:43

What plans could you have for left over bubbles? To post that some haven’t taken them home shows that she felt they were important enough to be really appreciated by the guests or that she thought they were important enough to still be stewing over losing one and was looking for a way to sneakily bring it back up to the OP. There could be a load of reasons, maybe she broke herself financially to put the party on etc. However it still stands that it’s just some bubbles or something cheap. No Mum in the WhatsApp can probably be arsed to collect the item. I just think some people get so easily offended and hang on to so much stuff about how others behave. The idea that someone is out there all pumped over a pot of bubbles! I just think it’s a shame for them. Life is really hard work, can’t imagine how hard it must be when such a small event can leave you feeling so done over.
Only solution is that us feral ones must remind ourselves that most humans do get v. Possessive over material things and the possessive ones must remind themselves that the feral ones arnt necessarily “CF’s”and “grabby”. They’re often the ones that give stuff away by the barrel load for free!

BrownPaperTeddy · 20/09/2018 14:44

The posters on who see no problem in asking an extra toy or party bag or whatever - are you the same people who take table centre pieces home after a wedding that I'd mentally ear marked for special people or the sweet tree centre pieces I had for a party that I planning to give the children at the party? Or is it only people that I know who do things like that?

It doesn't really matter how small the things are it's rude to ask and just shows bad manners.

I do think the OP should just try and forget about it now. It's not the crime of the century but honestly people. It is CF behaviour to ask for things, left over, going spare or whatever. Just wait until you are asked.

So many younger siblings just turned up to parties that we had and just expected to join in. I never said no because I'm not like that but there was always added cost for me - entertainers charged per child for party bags, soft play charged per child etc.

I dare say all of these parents justified it by thinking " oh we'll just ask if so and so can join in (with so and so looking wistfully at you). She can always say no".

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 14:48

The posters on who see no problem in asking an extra toy or party bag or whatever - are you the same people who take table centre pieces home after a wedding that I'd mentally ear marked for special people or the sweet tree centre pieces I had for a party that I planning to give the children at the party? Or is it only people that I know who do things like that?

Did they ask you for the centre piece and if so did you say yes? Because if not I can't see how that is anything like what the OP did.

The OP asked for a bit of tat that had been left over. Get a grip.

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