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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?

466 replies

UsualName · 19/09/2018 17:01

I get nervous in social situations. So my 'normal' monitor is slightly off - please tell me your views...

My DS went to a party recently. At the end there were some toys for each child to take home (I won't say what in case I'm recognised!). There seemed to be about 4 leftover on the floor and my DD wanted to take one home for her younger brother. As it would save arguments back home, I thought I would ask the birthday boy's parent if we could take one extra. She said it was fine (although did not seem overly enthusiastic) as she thought she had bought a few extra.

Later that day she posted a message on the party WhatsApp group saying that some people had not taken their toy home and would anyone like her to bring it to school drop off for them.

I felt really bad and have been worrying that she perhaps resented me taking one extra. So at school pick up today I said that I hoped it was OK for me to take one extra and did she have enough?
She behaved as though I had made her feel really uncomfortable. She muttered it was OK and she had spares, but the look on her face and body-language showed that she felt really uncomfortable and thought I was odd or something. She could not get away from me quickly enough. Usually we could chat a little if we bump into each other on the school run, so it was noticeable that she did not want to engage.

Was it weird of me to mention this?

OP posts:
BrownPaperTeddy · 20/09/2018 08:08

I think part of the problem here is that some people with anxiety or difficulties with social situations want everyone else to be open and direct maybe because they can't recognise nuance or subtlety.

What they don't realise is that not all of us are able to be direct, assertive or say exactly what they mean.

If I had been asked I would have felt pressured into saying yes. She may not have realised that not every party child had taken a toy, maybe parents contacted her afterwards to tell her, but even if i had known I would have said yes and then bought more to give to party children.

It really is difficult. People only think about what they would do or how they would feel in a situation without reflecting on how the other person is feeling.

Don't feel bad about this or dwell on it. No you shouldn't have asked. Equally the mum could have said no. No point either of you dwelling on this or making a big deal out of it. The moment has passed now.

BrownPaperTeddy · 20/09/2018 08:12

I'm worried about why it did not occur to me that it was that rude though, when it seems obvious to almost all of the people on here. Could there be something wrong with me?

I have had loads of parents ask for party bags or food for uninvited siblings, even for them to join in pay per person activities.

Yes they are cheeky, as were you, but many people do it. You certainly aren't the only one and nor does it mean there is anything wrong with you.

BadLad · 20/09/2018 08:15

Say you have or are going to make a small donation to local charity in appreciation of the extra gift.

This whole thread is hilarious, but this bit is the best.

A donation to charity. For fucks sake!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/09/2018 08:18

Say you have or are going to make a small donation to local charity in appreciation of the extra gift

That is a piss take surely 🤣🤣

Bunnica15 · 20/09/2018 08:22

I feel so bad for you! Honestly, please don’t feel like you’ve done something terrible.. how sweet that your little girl wanted one for get brother ❤️ Everybody is different and that’s what makes the world go round- personally I would have not been bothered in the slightest if someone asked for something for a sibling but that’s my way, but not saying it’s the right way!
I totally get you were saying what the toy was because at first I thought it was something bigger if I’m honest!
Please please let this go, honestly if I had a pound for every time I cringed at something I’ve said or done, I’d be a rich lady!
And actually- if you feel this is so terrible, then I hope it’s the most terrible thing you do all year because that means you’ve done pretty bloody well! Now brush yourself off and smile 😊

Lalliella · 20/09/2018 08:24

@AmateurDad I completely agree with your post about vulture culture you are spot on. Even if you did make a bit of a slip by assuming it isn’t all women that are making the nasty remarks (you are in all probability correct but you shouldn’t just assume) and you call your wife MrsAD and not MsAM (or MsPM)!

There IS a culture in AIBU to pick on a vulnerable poster and rip her to pieces. Why? Does it make you feel better about yourselves? You’re like a load of school bullies. You’re hiding behind your keyboards, not caring if what you’re posting makes a person with possible anxiety issues feel even worse about themselves.

OP has committed at worst a very small social faux-pas. So what. Who hasn’t? The weird thing here is not what OP said, it’s the reaction of the other mum and a lot of the posters on here.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/09/2018 08:29

Please please let this go, honestly if I had a pound for every time I cringed at something I’ve said or done, I’d be a rich lady!

So true! I’d be bloody loaded!

Hope you feel a bit better today OP

BadLad · 20/09/2018 08:38

OK so you made a faux pas but it wasn't that bad. If it was me I would try to show party Mum that I was embarrassed by the little faux pas , perhaps by giving something tiny like a teeny bag of homemade brownies or cookies (keep it really tiny otherwise she might be embarrassed) - I would write a brief message on a tag something along the lines of 'thanks so much for inviting DD to x's party and thanks especially for your kindness in letting DD's sister have the treat to take home (which I feel a bit embarrassed about asking in retrospect). Hope you enjoy the cookies, Love from Usual

Was this a wierd thing for me to mention?
BadLad · 20/09/2018 08:45

Thought I'd attached a "cringe" gif.

Please don't do the above.

AjasLipstick · 20/09/2018 08:51

If someone asked for an extra for a sibling I'd be FINE with that.

I always used to make extra bags when my DC had parties a few years ago (they're older now) and I loved to do that. There were often straggling kids arriving with parents to do collections and I liked to be able to offer the siblings a party bag....their pleased little faces were worth the extra few pounds to me.

Holidaybore · 20/09/2018 08:56

We can’t really give you an answer here as we don’t know this woman and her background.
She could be trying to save and probably was thinking those toys could have been recycled as little presents for her nephews? She could be suffering from anxiety and can’t say no but then regrets it?
If it was me I would have asked people to take the spare ones home after I had removed the toys for the people that had missed them. I would have been very open to you and told you with a smile that I needed the toy if after my mental maths I had realised I didn’t have enough.
But we don’t know this woman so I would let the thing go

dinkydonky · 20/09/2018 09:03

I don't think you did anything wrong at all OP. So many people here getting their knickers in a twist over a party bag toy!

I can't imagine anyone I know minding being asked this. They'd either say yes and be glad of one less thing to take home and clutter the cupboards, or say no they want to keep it and noone would think anything more of it.

At absolute worst, it was a slightly cheeky question to ask. But anyone who is off with you because they feel they can't say no needs to work on their own issues IMO!

MarthasGinYard · 20/09/2018 09:08

As you now say you were 'last to leave' I certainly wouldn't have asked

If party mum wanted you to take more she'd have been giving it all away.

I'd certainly just leave it now though

OutComeTheWolves · 20/09/2018 10:06

Oh my god op whatever you do, don't mention it to the party host a third time. Then you will look weird.

At worst you committed a very minor social faux pas. If it makes you feel any better, after ds's party I had 8 leftover bags. I planned to eat the cake myself and pour all of the plastic shite and chocolate into ds's treat box for those rare days when he behaves. The last mum to leave rifled through all 8 bags and took pretty much everything out!!! I understood the sweets but what kid needs 8 crappy yo-yos? And I still didn't have the courage to say something!

I'm pretty awkward socially but the best advice I ever heard was try to think of a time you've done something a bit cringey- it's easy right! Now try and think of a time someone else has done something mildly embarrassing. It's much harder because no one's paying that much attention to other people anyway.

LJFM2B · 20/09/2018 10:27

@UsualName dont cry! i dont think it was rude of you to ask - as you said it wasnt something big and you thought they were spares ... she could have said "i dont think everyones got theres to take home yet, if theres any left your DS can have one" .. it would be unreasonable for you to get grumpy to her saying no or of course to expect an additional toy to be brought for a child not attending but not to ask if you can grab one going!!

Some people are very harsh and up tight!

LJFM2B · 20/09/2018 10:30

i do agree with @OutComeTheWolves maybe leave it now, its an embarrassment that can easily be put to bed!! just make sure you have spares at your DC parties to make the point that its the norm for you!

LaurieMarlow · 20/09/2018 10:30

You say you get nervous in social situations but yet had the nerve to ask could you take an extra toy?????

This really.

I just don't understand why people think it's ok to ask for something that isn't theirs. Or think it's reasonable for parents to cater for siblings when they invite your child to a party.

Having said that, drop it now. It's a relatively minor point in the overall scheme of things, extravagant apologies aren't necessary and won't help anything.

MarthasGinYard · 20/09/2018 10:32

Not that nervous to not be necky

PorkFlute · 20/09/2018 10:43

It was a little rude to ask tbh. She could have said no but you put her on the spot which was was unfair imo.
BUT it is a very small thing and you are massively overthinking it op. Forget about it now. I doubt the mum is giving it any thought whatsoever.

gimeallthecake · 20/09/2018 11:05

I can't understand why people think this is rude, if it was a £1 novelty toy like the OP said than I'd be glad for someone to take it rather than for it to go to waste. And who would begrudge a child a small toy. And I like that you approached her again and double checked that it was ok. But I guess my perspective is different.

Why don't you focus on a solution to rectify the matter perhaps and not on the problem. Maybe invite the other child over and have a small novelty toy for them to take home at the end of the play date? No big deal.
You could maybe arrange a play date with a few of the moms and work on relationships if you feel like you're not fitting in. I know how hard it can be moving to a new area and I too can get super nervous and say and do stuff I regret but I'm sure once they get to know you better this all won't seem important

PorkFlute · 20/09/2018 11:14

It’s the expectation. A party bag contents wouldn’t cost much more but I wouldn’t ask for one for a sibling. If you’ve rocked up to a party with an uninvited sibling then they aren’t part of the party. The op may not have had spares or might have been planning on saving them for family children if she was doing a separate tea at home but was put on the spot. It’s polite to wait to be offered imo. Even if something is of low value it’s kind of rude to just ask someone if you can have it!

Jenniferturkington · 20/09/2018 11:18

Yanbu. This wouldn’t even register on my radar as rude if someone asked me this. You are right, if they weren’t actually spare she should’ve just said so! No issue at all imo.

LaurieMarlow · 20/09/2018 11:20

I can't understand why people think this is rude

It's rude because she put the hostess in an awkward position in which she may have found it difficult to say no.

It's rude because you don't just go round asking for things that don't belong to you and haven't been offered to you.

It's rude because the hostess may have had other plans for leftover toys (put them away for another occasion, given them to cousins/friends/neighbours).

Can't believe this needs explaining tbh.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 11:33

It was rude to ask for extra, but the Mum posting on Facebook that some children had left theirs behind (was it really just a small pot of bubbles?!) is odd too.
Such a commotion about bubbles (which costs around 20p) Confused

JustJoinedRightNow · 20/09/2018 11:36

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad OP but I do agree it’s rude to ask. If she had wanted to get rid of them she would have offered.

I hosted a party and put new small toys out for children of guests to play with during the party, and as we were packing up, about 8 of these little toys were handed back to me and a not so close friend said “oh if you’ve got heaps of those spare I’ll take one for my DS” (because we had just been asking if anyone wanted leftover food to take home). I wasn’t giving everything away! It was so cheeky the way she asked that I said “oh actually I’ll be using them at home” and kept them all.
I’m usually very generous and I think I sometimes get taken advantage of - perhaps this could have also been going on with the party Mum? Maybe it was just one more “ask” of her in a long line of being asked for things.

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