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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:

Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 00:34

if she wants to go tell her to pay. He is not the bad guy here! Makes me sick that people expect they are owed help, after 18 months as well ffs. Tell her to pay or get over it!

Original poster

floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:36

yestocheesecake I think removing her from the group was particularly hurtful to DD as there had been no prior warning. Had he said, 'I am going to remove you from the group as you can't come and I don't want to upset you, do you mind?' That would be a different story. She went to check the Facebook group and noticed she could no longer find it and had been removed. She then asked him to be told he had removed her as she was no longer going.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 19/09/2018 00:38

Against the trend here - but they are not living together, just dating. So why should he pay for her?

Well personally, if it was a friend who I knew wanted to come, I would at least try to help them come, so I think he is a mean bastard and not a keeper.

Maybe he's mad into her, maybe he isn't, but a generous person should never pair up with someone mean-spirited, that is a recipe for disaster.

However, what can you as her mother do? Nothing

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:42

What decade are we in? I thought maybe we had got past the stage where we expected men to bankroll us. Or group together in a huddle muttering about how mean he is and how she should dump him if he doesn't.

pallisers · 19/09/2018 00:43

if she wants to go tell her to pay. He is not the bad guy here! Makes me sick that people expect they are owed help, after 18 months as well ffs. Tell her to pay or get over it!

Imagine someone wanting help (not that she did mind you but don't let that stop you). The cheek of her. What kind of a person thinks it ok for a partner or boyfriend to help them out. Deluded. That's not what friendship or love is for - right?

Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 00:47

So I'm a bad friend/girlfriend because I don't pay for them to go on holiday?

Logits · 19/09/2018 00:49

It is cheeky to expect a boyfriend of 18 months to spend hundreds on you imo. I wouldn't be comfortable accepting that much money unless it was an emergency. Even then I'd absolutely pay him back. If they'd made the commitment to live together and share finances though, that'd be completely different.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 00:50

It's not a couple's holiday, it's a holiday with his mates and their partners tagging along. Single people have previously gone, it just so happens that he is the only one going alone this time. He's probably going to spend some time with his mates, time in a group and some time alone.

I think some potential solutions could be:

- Offering to pay part of the holiday or lending the money to her.

Has she suggested this to him?

- Trying to get to the bottom of why she can't come, maybe suggesting ways they could both help like cutting back on dates for a while?

Has she suggested this to him?

- Suggesting they go on a separate holiday instead. I know I wouldn't have (nor DH) wanted to go on a couples holiday by myself at 18 months into a relationship.

Has she suggested this to him?

- Just express some disappointment that she cannot go, not have such a black and white attitude of 'oh well, see you!' Which is what my DD has described.

So he's supposed to weep and wail and beg her to come, which in turn would make her feel guilty/even sadder?

If she's so anxious about it and wants him to loan her the money then she can get a bank loan. If they're saving for a house then he may only have a certain amount of money in easily accessible cash and the rest in ISAs/high interest, limited access accounts.

nakedscientist · 19/09/2018 00:50

@hollowtalk had it right ( as usual) ages

She sounds like a lovely girl. Talk to her about the problems involved in being involved with someone who's like this.

YANBU at all. He's tight. My DSis is with a guy like this, 6 years down the line they have to buy their own drinks in the pub. Drives her nuts!

But tread carefully and just listen to her, nod and make tea. Hoping she finds someone more compatible though.

nakedscientist · 19/09/2018 00:51

ages ago

user1471439727 · 19/09/2018 00:52

I'm torn but I can understand why he isn't keen to spend an extra £600 - £800 for the holiday, especially if he's living with his parents and trying to save for a house. They are his friends and he's been on similar trips with them before, so on balance I don't think it's entirely unreasonable of him.

It seems cruel but I don't think it's fair to expect him to miss out on a holiday with his friends because he potentially can't afford to pay twice as much for it. Otherwise everyone loses.

But I would still be looking out for other signs and questioning how committed he really is.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:53

I want to go on holiday.
I can't afford it.
So ny boyfriend should pay.
If he doesn't, it means he is tight and I should dump him.

Chickenwings85 · 19/09/2018 00:54

Could it be he's going to surprise her and that's why she was removed from the group chat? He could've gone about it in a nicer way though. Just a thought since you've said he treats her nicely any other time.
Keep us updated OP.

Original poster

floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:54

slashlover Emphasis on single people have previously gone. He is not single. Nobody in the group has gone on one of these couples holidays foregoing their partner.

I don't know so far as what she has suggested. But I also think it says a lot about him that he hasn't suggested any of the above either.

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 19/09/2018 00:58

She went to check the Facebook group and noticed she could no longer find it and had been removed. She then asked him to be told he had removed her as she was no longer going

He's showing her who he really is and how he thinks it's okay to treat her.
This indifference towards her isn't just thoughtlessness, it's how he is. he won't change. He wants to do what he wants to do with the group. She can't self-fund to join him so he's just thought 'okay, I'll carry on doing what I want to do, see you when I get back then'

He's not considered her or her feelings once.

It's a huge red flag, tell her to look at his behaviour right now and to understand that's how she can expect to be treated in the future.

She deserves to find someone a lot better than him, he just doesn't care enough about her.

OP, I wouldn't help her to find the finance to go with him, I think this situation, him just doing whatever he wants and her being left alone, would only happen again in the future, better she see what he's like now, before she buys a house with him etc.
Poor kid, it's just so hurtful

ThunderInMyHeart · 19/09/2018 00:59

Jesus fucking Christ. How many times?! OP HAS NEVER SAID RHEY EXOECT HIM TO BANKROLL/PAY.

This is more about his lack of consideration or empathy for her. He’s been cold in how he’s handled it all. No dialogue. No talks. No nothing. It is that the DD is so at odds with this that makes this an issue ie they are not on the same page re values and communication.

lowtide · 19/09/2018 01:00

I would have paid for my boyfriend at that age if he couldn’t have afforded to come, because I would have really wanted him to come, or we would have scrabbled together as a team and worked out what we could have done, sold stuff on eBay etc, I would have done anything. And if I had to go ergot him, I would have missed him desperately.
Therein lies the issue

Original poster

floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 01:01

ThunderInMyHeart

OP posts:

lowtide · 19/09/2018 01:02

Basically the consensus is he gives zero fucks if she’s there or not.
Not a good sign in the first 18 months

Logits · 19/09/2018 01:02

single people have previously gone. He is not single. Nobody in the group has gone on one of these couples holidays foregoing their partner.

He isn't single but you keep banging on about him going on a couples holiday alone and how surely it'll be awkward etc etc. PP was just pointing out that that's obviously not the case if singles have been on this holiday in the past.

Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 01:04

Basically the consensus is he gives zero fucks if she’s there or not.
Not a good sign in the first 18 months

lowtide · 19/09/2018 01:04

We all remember what it’s like to be young and in love. You can’t bear to be away from them and you would shift the earth to be together. This isn’t the case with her boyfriend

Original poster

floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 01:06

PP was just pointing out that that's obviously not the case if singles have been on this holiday in the past.

Yes but there has always been more than one single person to talk with, hang out with etc.. Never just one single person on their nelly surrounded by couples.

OP posts:

lowtide · 19/09/2018 01:07

You sound like a fab mother!
Unfortunately she’s got to work this out the hard way. It’s nowt to do with money

pallisers · 19/09/2018 01:09

good job then that the dd didn't expect him to pay for her. And may well have refused if he offered.

the point remains that he really doesn't care whether she is there or not. For some of you this seems just fine in a relationship. Would not be for me. I would expect my boyfriend to at least be disappointed or just plain affected in some way by the news that I couldn't afford to go with him.

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