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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 19/09/2018 01:11

OP, show your DD this thread. You’re a great support to her.

MN has helped me lots over the years, especially in relationships. The posters always speak the harsh truth one needs to hear.

Logits · 19/09/2018 01:14

Yes but there has always been more than one single person to talk with, hang out with etc.. Never just one single person on their nelly surrounded by couples.

Do you honestly think he'd go on this holiday if he thought he'd feel excluded? He's familiar with the group dynamics and obviously thinks it'll be fine... And this is an adventure holiday not two weeks in Bora Bora

Pringlecat · 19/09/2018 01:14

If I had been dating someone for 18 months and he couldn't afford to join a holiday with me, that would be fine (because I'm fairly independent) but I would be very pissed off if I was expected to pay £600 to £800 for him to join me because he hadn't squirrelled away those savings!

It might be weird going on a 'couples holiday', but with my best mates who are all coupled up, I never feel like a spare part, so I wouldn't see going away with them as going away with couples, it would be just going away with friends.

I wouldn't keep someone on a group chat who was no longer involved with the purpose of that group chat.

I'm on team boyfriend for this one, I'm afraid. I suspect your DD sees her relationship as rather more serious than it actually is.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 01:15

slashlover Emphasis on single people have previously gone. He is not single. Nobody in the group has gone on one of these couples holidays foregoing their partner.

If people have previously gone alone then IT IS NOT A COUPLES HOLIDAY. You keep referring to it as a couples holiday despite people previously going who are not going as part of a couple. It's like you expect a group of friends to go on holiday and only spend time in their couples leaving him all alone.

I don't know so far as what she has suggested. But I also think it says a lot about him that he hasn't suggested any of the above either.

So he's terrible and deserves to be dumped even though there's a chance that neither have offered solutions? Surely as the one unable to pay then she should be the one trying to fix it?

Logits · 19/09/2018 01:21

good job then that the dd didn't expect him to pay for her. And may well have refused if he offered

I don't think the OP would have gone into detail about his financial and living situation if there wasn't some expectation that he should pay.

I would expect my boyfriend to at least be disappointed or just plain affected in some way by the news that I couldn't afford to go with him.

I agree with you here though and I think most people would be hurt by this.

helacells · 19/09/2018 01:21

What a complete and utter knob! Of course he should pay for her to go. If he can't afford it, then he should politely decline.

HappydaysArehere · 19/09/2018 01:22

I am old. Not only old but old fashioned as well. I don’t care for mean men. Any man of that age with a reasonable income would surely expect to help his girl friend pay for a holiday which he wanted her to go on. It’s what a decent, loving man would do. Doesn’t bode well for any future relationship.

WhendoIgetadayoff · 19/09/2018 01:23

If your daughter rents and he lives with his parents I bet they spend more time at her house staying over. She should think about how much that adds to her costs eg heating or food and just check she’s not subsidising him without realising it. She might not be of course and he pays for shopping or nights out to make up for that.

Pringlecat · 19/09/2018 01:29

@HappydaysArehere If the sexes were reversed, would you expect a woman of that age with a reasonable income to pay for her boyfriend?

Logits · 19/09/2018 01:29

I am old. Not only old but old fashioned as well. I don’t care for mean men. Any man of that age with a reasonable income would surely expect to help his girl friend pay for a holiday which he wanted her to go on. It’s what a decent, loving man would do. Doesn’t bode well for any future relationship

Out of interest, how does a good old fashioned decent and loving woman behave? Do they do all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing? Or are you only in favour of the 'old fashioned' values that benefit you?

penisbeakers · 19/09/2018 01:30

Huge red flag here - this is not to say he should pay for her, it's his actions that speak volumes here. He's still at home being babied by his parents, and also why isn't he at least trying to help her work a way out so that she can go? Him not giving it another thought and removing her from that group seems cold as fuck. It makes me wonder what else he's so dismissive of.

Perhaps she will realise this when he's away and dump him - or dump him before then. She deserves better.

Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 01:37

I would have paid for my boyfriend if I had the money and really wanted him to be there and if I was going to be the only one not with my partner most definitely. But I think if it's just his friends going and he isn't bothered about being a third wheel fair enough.

I guess all this shows is that he hasn't expressed disappointment that she can't come. Maybe he felt it? Maybe he's not that into her? Maybe he feels more casual about the relationship? All guessing though! I'd be bothered if he wasn't at all bothered. That would have some meaning to me.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 01:37

He's still at home being babied by his parents, and also why isn't he at least trying to help her work a way out so that she can go?

Plenty of people are staying at home so they can save to buy a house. Why isn't SHE trying to work out a way to go? She's an adult.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 01:41

The thing is, if the BF started saying that he was SO disappointed, that he would miss DD SO much and how devastated he was that she wasn't coming then he's be accused of trying to guilt trip and control her.

Shinesweetfreedom · 19/09/2018 01:49

Yeah he’s doing nicely for himself.Living at his parents,but girlfriend got her own place which she alone pays for,which he will have the benefit of.She even pays 50/50 for everything else on joint expenditure.Oh and he gets to use her car to boot which she pays for.
Get the fuck out of here with all the crappy posts about he shouldn’t be expected to pay for her.
Sounds like she is already subsidising him,so him offering to help out would only be evening up the score.
She sounds lovely.He sounds a user.
Hope this has shown her not to waste any more time on him.

choli · 19/09/2018 01:49

I'm on team boyfriend for this one, I'm afraid. I suspect your DD sees her relationship as rather more serious than it actually is.

Yes, I strongly suspect that this is one of those relationships where one believes they are "partners" and the other does not. They've "seriously discussed" moving in together, but they haven't done it. Does he come up with excuses for why he can't/won't do that? (Apart from my suspicion that he has the best of both worlds at the moment - the economy of living with his parents, while getting to take advantage of the flat for which OP's daughter is paying?)

I hope OP's daughter wastes no more time on this guy, she deserves better.

Perfectly1mperfect · 19/09/2018 01:50

I think he's probably not that serious about her of he's really tight with his money. It's a couples holiday, he should at least seems slightly bothered that she isn't going. I think if I was your daughter I would get out now unless she's happy with a casual relationship that either will not go anywhere or if it does, money will be an issue.

Tartyflette · 19/09/2018 01:51

OP has said her DD does not take any money for food etc off her BF when he stays at her place, which he does regularly, and she also lets him use her car as he doesn't have one.
It's no wonder he's got more money than her! Especially as he lives with his parents.
It doesn't sound like an equal relationship and as others have said he's clearly not bothered that she can't afford to come on the group holiday. The OP has said that neither she nor her daughter think he should actually pay for her entire holiday but the fact that he hasn't offered to lend her some cash or suggest any other way round the problem shows he is just a shit boyfriend.
I hope your DD sees that he's inconsiderate and self centred and possibly mean too, and gets rid.

She sounds much too nice for him.

Shadow1234 · 19/09/2018 02:25

She should call his bluff and see what reaction she gets. If she says,, (her parents, ) have offered the money and shes now thinking
about coming along, his reaction would be a dead give away.
He might say 'oh that would be great, Im so pleased', or he might
start panicking and stuttering and find excuses for her not to
go along.

If the reaction isnt a good one, then, shes probably wasting her
time with him.

Shes still young, and there will be plenty more fish in the sea.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:28

YY LyingWitch i agree with you The "they arent partners" brigade would soon change their minds and start with the mental gymnastics if she started dating others while he was away without telling him.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:35

"I don't know that them not sharing costs after only a year and a half together automatically equates to him being financially abusive"

The same posters who post these types of posts then usually turn out to be the same posters who post on threads about financial abuse "surely there must have been some sign" "its your fault for not taking notice of the red flags etc etc.

Women will never be in the right!!

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:42

This post of OPs was missed because all of the woman hate.

floralgrandma Wed 19-Sep-18 00:16:44
But they are just dating!! Not living together. Not married. Just dating.
Where is the line? Is he expected to provide her with a car if she can't afford one? After all, he has a car so she should have one too.

That is total hyperbole and not relevant to this conversation at all. My DD is not entitled - as I have said repeatedly - she does not expect him to pay her her and wouldn't accept that even if he offers. She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one!

It is mean to not even attempt to find a solution for my DD in this situation, and no that is not meaning he pays for the whole thing, when they are serious (discussing moving in together) and he claims to be in love with her.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:43

"That is total hyperbole and not relevant to this conversation at all. My DD is not entitled - as I have said repeatedly - she does not expect him to pay her her and wouldn't accept that even if he offers. She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one"

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:43

That is total hyperbole and not relevant to this conversation at all. My DD is not entitled - as I have said repeatedly - she does not expect him to pay her her and wouldn't accept that even if he offers. She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:43

"That is total hyperbole and not relevant to this conversation at all. My DD is not entitled - as I have said repeatedly - she does not expect him to pay her her and wouldn't accept that even if he offers. She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one"