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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
Logits · 19/09/2018 00:18

He went on one of these couple holidays when his other friend was single so it wasn't awkward. Now they are all paired up and in relationships, so according to my DD, he will be the only one there without a couple, he will sleep in a double bedroom by himself etc.

You seem to be really focusing on the 'couples' aspect of the holiday. Presumably he knows his friendship groups dynamics a lot better than you do and he's in a better position to judge whether he'd feel awkward or if it'd odd for him to go.

Chickenwings85 · 19/09/2018 00:18

OP, do you know what he's like towards her any other time? Does he treat her much or surprise her or anything like that? Because if he does, could it be that he's going to surprise her with it?
If not, then he sounds like an arsehole and your daughter deserves to be treated better than this. How odd will it be for him when everyone is being all smoochy and doing couple things and he's there on his own. Very very strange.

Pressuredrip · 19/09/2018 00:19

This is a red flag really, I've been on enough parenting forums over the years to meet women who have had a baby and work very few or zero hours to care for the baby, and have no money of their own because the father sees all his earnings as his own money. Often they expect their partners to pay exactly half the outgoings from their much lower wages. It's commonly abusive behaviour, a few men are just ignorant and will change once it's pointed out; most won't. I know they don't have a baby together, but him not sharing his income with her when they are in a serious relationship suggests he is that type of guy.

stayathomer · 19/09/2018 00:19

Is there any chance the other girlfriends etc all know each other or they're all a group from college etc and so the girls and guys all planned together if you know what I mean? Also you've only one side of the story, what if your dd said to him that she didn't really want to go anyway or something to that effect and he took her at her word? Your DD waiting to see what way it will go kind of shows they're not a couple that talks things out (sorry)

stayathomer · 19/09/2018 00:21

I know they don't have a baby together, but him not sharing his income with her when they are in a serious relationship suggests he is that type of guy.

I don't know that them not sharing costs after only a year and a half together automatically equates to him being financially abusive

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:22

My daughter has said to him all along that she would love to go but she cannot afford it right now. The other girlfriends don't know each other from college, they've all sort of been dripped into the group over the years according to DD.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:22

Grownup you are missing the point by a mile, it is not expecting the men to pay, if it was op dd behaving like this towards her partner, I would say the same thing. Its a partnership, you help each other out, don't you not, or is it, each person for themselves!

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:23

But you are both annoyed he isn't offering to pay. And because he isn't, you now question the relationship.
You're right - they should split so your dd can find a bigger cheque book and he can find someone less grabby.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/09/2018 00:23

It's not a good sign. I think it's a bit mean of him. It's a couples holiday and he doesn't mind that she can't come. Most couples would either both go or neither of them.

Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 00:24

It's been 18 months

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:24

Barry Hmm. Op, how does he treat her, any other time? Is he kind to her.

Logits · 19/09/2018 00:25

I know they don't have a baby together, but him not sharing his income with her when they are in a serious relationship suggests he is that type of guy.

I would run a mile from anyone who expected me to share my income before we'd even moved in together.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:25

I suspect that Barry is a troll at this point. I'm not going to repeat myself again, you are clearly just ignoring all of my posts and just concentrating on 'YOU WANT HIM TO PAY FOR THE WHOLE HOLIDAY', despite nobody saying that on this thread ever. Confused

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:26

Yes and Growup, a lot can happen in that time! By a year, I had moved in with dh, and was serious, I certainly was not dating.

pallisers · 19/09/2018 00:26

I've been dating someone for 18 months. It may be getting serious, but we haven't quite worked it out yet. I've been going on holiday with the same group of friends for years. I save up for it so I can go and enjoy myself. My girlfriend can't afford it this year and I can't afford to pay for her. So I'm going by myself as planned, but I'm getting the impression from her and her mum that they think I should be paying for her too. And apparently me taking her off the group chat so she didn't get upset watching everyone plan the holiday has been taken the wrong way too. I think they assume I'm loaded and paying for her is trivial, which it isn't

First of all you forgot to mention in your post that all of the other people going on the holiday were couples. Also that you can't afford to pay for her is pertinent but not part of the OP's scenario (he didn't say "shame, I'd offer to pay for you but I can barely afford it for myself")

Secondly I'd ask you how you feel about your girlfriend? Would you enjoy a couple-type holiday without her? Were you upset at all when you realised she couldn't go or did you come across to her that you really weren't bothered one way or the other whether she went. Maybe you aren't that keen on her?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:27

How is he usually like towards her, op!

IABURQO · 19/09/2018 00:27

It's weird that he wouldn't want her there 18 months into a friendship. Not even that he didn't pay, but asking her about the finances to see if there was a way to make it work would be nice. I don't think this one will last.

stayathomer · 19/09/2018 00:28

It's a tough one! I'd still think at 18 months you're more in the dating stage than partnership one no matter what the age, and a holiday is a huge thing to subsidise

BarbarianMum · 19/09/2018 00:28

Id like to know why this is considered a "serious" relationship when there's no sign of any of the things that make a relationship serious. Not wanting to be in a serious relationship, or not knowing if someone's "the one" doesnt make you abusive. And the idea that a guy should treat every girlfriend like she's the one (or bankroll her which is what we're basically talking about here) in case she turns out to be is, frankly, bonkers.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:28

He treats her kindly, from what I have seen. They go to nice places, split the costs 50/50, he has surprised her with flowers, gifts and visits in the past etc. So this behaviour is by-and-large out of the ordinary for him.

OP posts:
pallisers · 19/09/2018 00:29

Actually I don't think Barry is a troll. I think a lot of women are conditioned to think there is some sort of rule book they must follow with relationships and they must put up with shit if it doesn't reach the bar this mythical rule book allows for deciding someone isn't good enough for you. Which is why you read so many depressing posts on the relationships board from women who have settled for quite crappy men who aren't even that fond of them, still less madly in love with them.

My feeling is your dd could do a lot better than him, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:29

Maybe then op, she needs to sit down with him, and have a chat on how she feels, if he is usually kind. Maybe, he is just being thoughtless.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:30

Don't like what I'm saying so I must be a troll? Sorry to disappoint, but I'm just a working woman who has never expected a boyfriend to pay for her holiday.
Why do I think you want him to pay? Possibly because of your OP:
but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:33

Perhaps Aeroflotgirl. It is a pretty big thing to be thoughtless about though. I will wait to see if she mentions it again, I don't want to alienate her by giving a possibly unwanted opinion on her relationship.

OP posts:
yestocheesecake · 19/09/2018 00:34

He seems like a bit of an ar**hole to me . I would feel the same if it was my daughter. Even if I could help her out, it would be the fact that he didn't seem to care by not offering and then just removing her from the group.