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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
pallisers · 18/09/2018 23:43

And the DD is showing who she is by expecting him to pay for her.

She isn't expecting him to pay for her. She is expecting him to want her to be there. He is just not that into her or else he is someone who struggles with generosity. Either way it wouldn't be for me. There are plenty of women on this thread who would be happy with someone like that but I suspect OP's dd wants something different.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:44

I will offer to pay for a large part of it, to make it affordable for her. I am wanting to see how my DD handles it first and how things play out with her partner before I offer.

OP posts:
MissTerryShopper · 18/09/2018 23:45

Your daughter sounds lovely.
Her boyfriend sounds like a twatty knob end and she should bin him.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2018 23:45

He sounds mean tbh, tight with money, tight with love. Tgey are partners who supposidly love each other and want a future together, this is noway to treat your loving partner. Yiu help each other out because you love them. He shoukd have either helped her out and yiu pay part, or like the other couple, not go. Selfish and self centred. Does not bode well, I see that as a big red flag.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2018 23:47

Even if yiu paid, I woukd not want to go on holiday with a selfish knob, and would use the money for a nice little holiday by self.

MirriVan · 18/09/2018 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarryManilowRocks · 18/09/2018 23:49

So the reverse..

I've been dating someone for 18 months. It may be getting serious, but we haven't quite worked it out yet. I've been going on holiday with the same group of friends for years. I save up for it so I can go and enjoy myself. My girlfriend can't afford it this year and I can't afford to pay for her. So I'm going by myself as planned, but I'm getting the impression from her and her mum that they think I should be paying for her too. And apparently me taking her off the group chat so she didn't get upset watching everyone plan the holiday has been taken the wrong way too.
I think they assume I'm loaded and paying for her is trivial, which it isn't.

Original poster
floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 23:49

There are no plans (or plans in the works) for them to go on a cheaper - just the two of them - holiday.

My DD even said (to him!) that one of her reasons for not going on the expensive couples holiday was so she could afford for them to go somewhere cheaper together. My DD is a lovely young woman and she deserves someone who treats her just as she treats him.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/09/2018 23:49

Firstly I do not think YABU for thinking it's a bit shit.

BUT - You can't fix it. Don't throw money at it.

You have stated the different things that the "DP" could have done to make your DD feel that he wanted her to be able to go on the holiday. What did he do? Shrug and delete her from the FB group!

Whether he is right or wrong to go without her is not my call, but clearly they have different values (you state she would have done what she could to help him if the roles were reversed). Attitudes towards money are important in a long term relationship and while some of the mechanics might change if they live together, the attitudes probably won't. And it may cause some major issues in the relationship.

Better that she sees this now, and makes her own mind up on how important it is and how she sees the relationship's future.

So, I wouldn't offer to pay, or try to fix it in any way. Offer no opinion, but be there for her.

(I do hope she kicks him into touch though!)

MirriVan · 18/09/2018 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2018 23:54

Barry, from what op has stated, he can afford it. Seems very selfish and unloving.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2018 23:56

He is showing yiur dd who he is, as op stated, a girlfriend in the group could not also afford to go, so he did tge decent thing and stayed behind with her.

BarryManilowRocks · 18/09/2018 23:57

Op deciding he can afford it may not be the same thing as what he can actually afford. He may have debts or be saving. Whatever his reasons, I'm not convinced the op is the best person to decide what he should be spending his money on.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:02

Some threads are just nuts. Complaining that your DDs boyfriend is going away with his friends but not paying for her to go too takes the biscuit. And here's a biscuit.Biscuit

Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 00:03

Good on him! I'd go mad if my son paid for his girlfriends holiday. she can't afford it tell her to get over it, that is not his fault!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:05

Well Barry she knows him better than you. Op has probably got this information from her dd. He sounds very uncaring, sorry, he does. Op dd does not sound like a freeloader to me, they go halves, and she usually pays her way. A caring boyfriend would have tried to help, or find solutions to help her go. I thought couples help each other out, did not think a relationship is each for their own, not a good future really.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:06

Wow Growuppeople, would you really be that interfering in your adult son life, typical dreadful MIL that we hear all too often on here.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:08

But they are just dating!! Not living together. Not married. Just dating.
Where is the line? Is he expected to provide her with a car if she can't afford one? After all, he has a car so she should have one too.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:11

They have been together for 18 months, and are discussing a future together, hardly dating.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 00:12

Op has described them as a serious couple who will move in together.

BarryManilowRocks · 19/09/2018 00:14

Discussing? And that gives her the right to expect him to pay for a holiday?

Fabricwitch · 19/09/2018 00:14

If he was so loaded he'd be able to pay rent instead of living with his parents...

TheGlitterFairy · 19/09/2018 00:14

Hmmmm. As others have said, and she probably knows too - he’s not that fussed/ not a keeper. Admitting that to yourself when in that of course is harder to do. Feel for your DD. Hope she can come round.... x

Original poster
floralgrandma · 19/09/2018 00:16

But they are just dating!! Not living together. Not married. Just dating.
Where is the line? Is he expected to provide her with a car if she can't afford one? After all, he has a car so she should have one too.

That is total hyperbole and not relevant to this conversation at all. My DD is not entitled - as I have said repeatedly - she does not expect him to pay her her and wouldn't accept that even if he offers. She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one!

It is mean to not even attempt to find a solution for my DD in this situation, and no that is not meaning he pays for the whole thing, when they are serious (discussing moving in together) and he claims to be in love with her.

OP posts:
Growuppeople · 19/09/2018 00:17

Didn't say I would interfere. If he really wants to it's nothing to do with me! She can't afford it so she can't go why would you expect the man to pay Hmm