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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 19/09/2018 04:49

There's an old MN adage that when someone shows you who they really are you should pay attention.

I've subbed friends and boyfriends in the past and vice versa depending on financial circumstances. To enjoy the trip I'd want my friends and or boyfriend there.

At that age and stage in the relationship with my now DH I was very unhappy at work so DH suggested I resign and live with him until I could find a new job near where he lived. In your DD's case I don't think she could rely on him to help her if she needed it.

CountFosco · 19/09/2018 05:33

One of the other boyfriend's girlfriend couldn't afford it so he said he would like it to just be boys only, so as not to exclude her. They've since decided that neither of them should go because she can't afford it and he can't subsidise her.

This is the response that I'd expect. I don't think your DDs boyfriend should necessarily pay for her but he should consider her and her feelings. He hasn't so he's not a keeper.

PixieBob28 · 19/09/2018 05:34

He's a tosspot and she can do better. My now H and I were mid 20s when we met. 8 months in and he surprised me by booking us a 5 day trip to Rome for our 1 year anniversary. Cost him around £500. At the time I was skint and at uni and he only had a full time job in retail. The following year I surprised him with a trip to Iceland. Again weren't living together at the time, but serious.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 19/09/2018 06:06

He is happy to drive her car rather than paying for one of his own - no wonder he has savings!

I think he is just showing her the kind of person he is - uncaring towards her feelings and not bothered about being on holiday with her. It's really not about the money...

I really think that she will be happier without him in the long term.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 06:11

He's either looking for an out or he's just a horrible tight-fisted wee twat op.I'd feel embarrassed if I were your poor daughter and even more so if I were him-imagine what his friends & all their girlfriends are going to think when he's sticking out like a sore thumb on holiday and they're all going to know he'd rather do that than put his hand in his pocket so that the woman he's supposed to love could be there with him.I'd be fuming for my daughter if I were you op.YANBU!

Santaclarita · 19/09/2018 06:15

He uses her car too and eats her food for free?

I'd start charging him for use of the car and charge him rent on those days. I'd imagine he runs away pretty quick then.

He is a user. He uses his parents for free rent, he uses your daughter for a free car and free food. I wouldnt expect him to be faithful on this holiday either to be honest. And let's face it no one would tell her if he isn't. I'd dump him. He's never going to grow up.

Coyoacan · 19/09/2018 06:38

I've subbed friends and boyfriends in the past and vice versa depending on financial circumstances. To enjoy the trip I'd want my friends and or boyfriend there

This is the thing. Very irritating so many, many people making a strawman out of the argument that we are saying that he should pay because he is a man, when in fact he is a person who supposedly loves another person, earns more money and is quite happy to waltz off on holiday leaving that other person at home. Several woman here have said that they would or have paid for their partners until those circumstances.

However this fella is also a bit of a cocklodger, living at home because he knows how expensive renting is and happy for his gf who earns less than him to pay all the bills and supply him with a car, then insisting the bills get split 50/50.

But there are lots of posters here condemning the poor girl, what for? for breathing?

Kisbot · 19/09/2018 06:58

I hope your daughter stops funding him from her lower wages with use of the car and flat and feeding him. Maybe that's why he is with her as he clearly doesn't want her on holiday with him.
Has it never bothered your DD how often he stays at her place and uses her car while she covers all the running costs? He is using both his parents and his gf so he can save for a house. He is, as pp have written, showing her how little he thinks of her and she should listen.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 07:14

I will offer to pay for a large part of it, to make it affordable for her. I am wanting to see how my DD handles it first and how things play out with her partner before I offer.
Of course it's up to you op but I would not do this.It's up to him to show how much he loves her and wants her there with him,which he isn't doing so I would rather my daughter retain some pride than go on holiday with somebody who doesn't care whether she's there with her or not.Keep hold of that money,so that when your daughter sees sense and kicks the selfish sod to the kerb, you can treat her to lunch and/or a wee shopping spree/day out to cheer her up.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 19/09/2018 07:19

Red flags for me. Lives at home (wonder does he stay over much with your daughter FOR FREE) and borrows her car as he doesn't have one?? Does she charge for this?

ZenNudist · 19/09/2018 07:19

Whilst i agree that it might put your dd off him, im not convinced after 18 months and not living together he should pay for a holiday for her.

It sounds like (& you might not mean to) you are counting his money on your dds behalf. If they did live together would you expect him to fund your dd? If he were my son id rather he didn't get sucked in to paying for what seems like an early days girlfriend.

MaisyPops · 19/09/2018 07:20

I think there's a difference between saying someone and being a partner. If people are partners then to me they live together, split bills, have some shared finances or outgoings etc.

If I was dating someone then I wouldn't expect them to part fund my holiday, nor would I expect them to sacrifice a mates holiday because I couldn't afford it. (This holiday sounds like it's always been a group of mates and then over time as people got coupled up then girlfriends and partners have joined. I don't think it is a couples holiday. It's a group of friends plus their other halves).

If I was someone's partner then I would expect there to be some financial support, maybe both not go if we couldn't afford it.

It sounds to me like the OP's daughter is lovely but sees this relationship as much more serious than he does. They've seriously spoken about moving In, but it hasn't happened and there's no time frame etc. I'm not saying speed is everything in relationships; it just seems like OP's daughter and her boyfriend view the situation differently.

(And I also think the removal from the group chat was because surely nobody wants a million notifications for a holiday they aren't going on. It seems a reasonable thing to do).

JellyBears · 19/09/2018 07:22

I don’t think he’s mean, why should he pay for his gf to go on holiday? If it was the other way around would you be happy if she was paying for him to go?

Thatstheendofmytether · 19/09/2018 07:28

I think he is being mean. What on earth does he want to go on holiday with a load of couples in his own for, especially at that age? Would he not feel like a bit of a spare part! I would prob dump someone for that. Not because he wouldn't spend money on me but that he was quite happy to leave me out and riddle off with a load of other couples on his own.

Thatstheendofmytether · 19/09/2018 07:29

And yes if I were in a position to help pay for my bf to come on holiday with my friends and their partners I would much rather do that than go alone.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 07:31

Wow some low expectations of pRtners from some on here. Nice relationship, where partners feelings are brushed aside and you don't help each other or care about one another. Yes I would expect the same, if the situation was reversed.

KC225 · 19/09/2018 07:43

I agree with you OP he is not that into her.

At best he is insensitive, removing her from the group and blocking her is a bit juvenile. At worst he is mean of spirit which is the worst kind of mean there is. It isn't about money, its about being kind and thoughtful. Its about him wanting her to be there. And it seems he doesn't. He isn't bothered. And for those going on about it not being couples holiday, lots of couples late 20s, early 30s and one solitary bloke - come on. He is going on a couples holiday.

Before I met DH, I dated a guy who earned a lot more than I did. He liked eating in fancy restaurants, which he would say my treat, I would get the cinema and pub dates etc. Much more in keeping with my salary. It wasn't ever discussed it just panned out that way.

I imagine the 'overnight stays' take place at hers and not his parents. As he earns more and lives with his parents it would have been a nice gesture if he had offered to pay the shortfall or offered it as a Christmas gift or loaned it to her. No its not his responsibility to pay, and as you have stated countless times she does not expect him to pay but she is disappointed by him not making more of an effort for her to be there. Something tells me if the situation was reversed your daughter would be paying for him or saying my treat or 'surprise' and I think that is what is making concerned.

Don't offer your daughter the money for the holiday. She needs to see this man in the cold light of day. This is a red flag. She is thinking of them and he is thinking of himself.

Kisbot · 19/09/2018 07:44

Yes as Nutella has written by helping her financially to be able to go on holiday with him you are encouraging your daughter to stay in a one sided relationship, rather than helping her to see the reality of the situation, thereby sanctioning his selfish behaviour. Do you really want your daughter to waste more time in this or would you rather she left him and had a chance to meet a man who wouldn't be such a shit?. I don't think encouraging her in this instance is in her best interests.

LakieLady · 19/09/2018 07:46

She has always gone out of her way to split things 50/50, he comes to stay for her for days at a time and she never asks for contribution towards food, bills etc. Ironically, he also uses her car because he doesn't have one!

He's a freeloading tightwad! Definitely not a keeper.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 07:49

Oh god considering your other information about him op, tell her to run for the hills.

Improve12 · 19/09/2018 08:12

He doesn't need to pay for your daughter at this stage. However, him going solo as a third wheel seems like he is setting his relationship with your daughter up to fail. He will clearly be tempted to cheat.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 08:23

He will clearly be tempted to cheat.

Or enjoy a holiday with his mates? I've been on holidays with mates who are in couples, I didn't sit in my room alone and weep.

If OP had come on here and said that DDs BF couldn't afford to go on holiday and had asked DD for a loan of £600 to go then everyone would have said not to do it and to kiss the money goodbye.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 08:28

I can't believe the amount of people on here are saying "Why should he have to pay?".The fact is he shouldn't have to pay,he should want to pay.My daughter has been with her boyfriend not much longer than ops daughter has been with hers.She earns quite a bit more than him and paid the lion's share of their recent holiday because, guess what, she loves him and values his company.I'm proud of her for being generous spirited and would be ashamed if any one of my kids treated their other halves in such a mean and uncaring way.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 08:30

What is this crap about "deserves to be dumped"? Relationships aren't an employment contract where you can only be fired for good reason. A woman can dump a man even if he doesn't "deserve" it. She can set her own standards and want them to be met. So can a man (I say this to my son and my daughters). You don't have to justify not wanting to be in a relationship with somone - that you think they aren't the one for you is enough.

That's not what was said though. As far as we know, neither of them have offered solutions. It's not as if DD has said about cutting down dates and BF has said no. Or DD has asked for a loan and BF has said no. Or DD has suggested anything an BF has said no.

The mumsnet collective however have told OP that DD needs to dump him for not offering solutions WHEN SHE HASN'T EITHER. If that's why she wants to dump him then fair enough.

SerenaOverjoyed · 19/09/2018 08:33

It's a red flag for me that at 18 months there isn't even a hint of shared decision making. You would think at this point they would be planning holidays together.

I also think if my bf/partner at 18 months couldn't afford a holiday we'd have a discussion together. I might suggest making an adjustment (a cheaper flat for me and him, maybe?), but if this couldn't work I'd offer to pay around 200 for his airfare.

I think it's odd he hasn't asked her how she feels about it.