Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD's partner is going on holiday without her?

435 replies

floralgrandma · 18/09/2018 21:25

My adult DD has been with her partner for 18 months, for all intents and purposes they are a serious couple. They haven't moved in together yet but have had several conversations about moving in with one another very soon and the logistics of it. They spend a lot of time together, come round here regularly and see his family regularly too, spend time together with one another's friends etc. They are in what would be considered a serious relationship.

My DD earns less money and also has more expenses as she rents, whereas her partner lives with his parents and also has a much better paid job. He has a lot of savings where as my DD does not. A holiday is currently being organised involving my DD's partner and all of his friends and their girlfriends. My DD has told him she cannot afford to go, so he has told all his friends that she won't be going but he still will. So he will be going without my DD, but with all his friends and their girlfriends.

I am not sure if I am being extra sensitive as it's my DD, but to not even offer to help her when they are in a serious relationship? He does have more than enough money to help her somewhat, I understand that it's not his responsibility etc., but it just seems a tad strange? To be honest I have had my doubts about the seriousness from his end for a while, but I am not sure if I am being a bit harsh with my outlook.

AIBU to think this is a bit shit?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:44

Hope thats enough times to get the message through OP

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:47

"Out of interest, how does a good old fashioned decent and loving woman behave? Do they do all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing? Or are you only in favour of the 'old fashioned' values that benefit you?"

Well there are plenty of men happy to split 50/50 on dates Not so many split 50/50 on childcare though.

HelenaDove · 19/09/2018 02:50

Ah i started posting before reading page 10

beclev24 · 19/09/2018 03:14

There are two ways of looking at this- some will argue that he is undervalued no obligation to help out financially. Some (including me) think this is mean and unpleasant)- in a way it doesn’t matter which is true- people have very different attitudes to these things and happy couples organize their finances in a range of different ways. What matters is whether your DD is happy to be with a man who treats her this way. If she is then fine. If not then she should break things off now as different attitudes to money and values around generosity and sharing will cause untold stress forevermore and will never improve.

slashlover · 19/09/2018 03:30

HelenaDove Not sure why you posted the same thing four times.

"He treats her kindly, from what I have seen. They go to nice places, split the costs 50/50, he has surprised her with flowers, gifts and visits in the past etc. So this behaviour is by-and-large out of the ordinary for him."

worridmum · 19/09/2018 03:31

Its the same people that go on and on about equality but then expect to have the first date paid for so they dont need to get there purse out and if a man suggests 50/50 he is tight (but is not the woman far tighter expecting free things).

If the boyfriend could not afford to go and the girlfreind could he would be branded a cocklodger etc but because its a woman she should get things paid for.

It is not the 1950s wpmen wanted equality they got it. But they cannot now moan tjat men will not treat them for everything otherwise men are tight (unless you think men should get paid more as there social lives cost so much more sonce judging from tjis thread most expect thier boyfriends to sub them rather then having the self respect to pay there own way.)

slashlover · 19/09/2018 03:40

Whenever someone comes on here saying My BFFFFF who I have known for 20 years and is like a sister to me has asked to borrow £500, what should I do? everyone immediately says not to do it. It's always pretty unanimous that it's a huge mistake to lend money to friends/relatives.

Also, if OP came in and said the conversation went

DD - I can't afford it.
DP - But I'm going to miss you SO much, please come? Please? I'll give you the money! Please come!? I'm not going to go if you're noy going then.

Then she's be told that he was emotionally abusing/trying to control her.

malificent7 · 19/09/2018 03:45

I think partners should share to a certain extent and this is one such occasion. I bet some of the other couples are helping each other to go on this trip. He's an arse.

tillytown · 19/09/2018 03:47

OP, regardless of what happens about the holiday, your daughter should really think twice about moving in with him. Speaking from experience, the only guys I know who live at home in their thirties get so used to being babied that when they move in with their partners, the woman very soon ends up doing everything.

tillytown · 19/09/2018 03:52

It is not the 1950s wpmen wanted equality they got it. But they cannot now moan tjat men will not treat them for everything otherwise men are tight (unless you think men should get paid more as there social lives cost so much more sonce judging from tjis thread most expect thier boyfriends to sub them rather then having the self respect to pay there own way.)
You do realise men do get paid more, this isn't new information, it's been happening for decades. Are you drunk?

ItsThisOneThing · 19/09/2018 03:55

These responses are so frustrating and rude!

I'd be worried and upset too at how he's handled it and I'm surprised your daughter has managed to keep from him how she's feeling.

I'd want a bf for my daughter who didn't want to go on a couples holiday without her. And as you say, looked at all options as a team how they could make it work.

I'm also surprised they're not living together after 18 months at the ages they are. I'd be considering if he was right for me if I was your daughter.

Sleepykate · 19/09/2018 04:00

He sounds vile!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 19/09/2018 04:02

It would be nice if he offered. Unfortunately it might be an indication of how he feels, or maybe he is just cheap.

Devilishpyjamas · 19/09/2018 04:08

Well after 18 months I’d be expecting them to be looking into moving forwards with the relationship, getting more serious & starting to combine finances etc or at least discussing whether they want it to move on or stay the same.

Maybe this is the catalyst for that discussion?

brookshelley · 19/09/2018 04:12

Doesn't partner mean a live-in romantic relationship? Didn't realize the term extends to boyfriend/girlfriend not sharing a home, children, or finances?

I think DH and I went on separate holidays when we'd been dating 18m and not living together. We even sometimes did after we started living together.

Logits · 19/09/2018 04:13

YY LyingWitch i agree with you The "they arent partners" brigade would soon change their minds and start with the mental gymnastics if she started dating others while he was away without telling him.

What a stupid comparison. They may not be 'partners' but they're dating exclusively. Cheating is wrong. No mental gymnastics required.

TeeBee · 19/09/2018 04:15

Eh?? Why should he pay for her holiday? Is she not a financially independent adult? Sorry, I really don't get why you think he should. You can't afford it, you don't go, surely.

CurlyTwirlyTwos · 19/09/2018 04:18

This is may be an indication of how he will treat her in the future.

Like pp deduced, I also believe a big difference between 18/19 yo and person in late 20s.

I’d she has been removed from the group instead of leaving herself, that’s also pretty harsh!

Encourage her to think about this relationship. And her own worth.

In my twenties I had a bf from a well to do family, had plenty of money, but sooooo tight! In hindsight didn’t treat me well, but I didn’t see it at the time. My current DH (married after 8 years) was the total opposite, wasn’t as well off, but generous and kind (and fun)! It was like night and day.

It’s his attitude that worries me rather than ‘paying for a holiday’. Doesn’t he want her to join him?

Warning bells.

Reighngold · 19/09/2018 04:21

To me the paying or not paying is irrelevant, although I must say that I've been in relationships where I was more financially sound than my partner and vice versa. The sex of the more well off partner was never the deciding factor in who paid what, it was the desire of one or the other to do so. Still, I don't think he's a jerk for not paying for her. Not generous, yep, but I wouldn't expect that a partner of any sex pay for their other half just because they can't do so, no matter what the reason.

That said, I think he's a jerk for not caring about her feelings on the matter. If you are in a relationship, even a friendshift FFS, you consider the other person's feelings, especially during something like this where it's a trip you took the trouble to invite her to (so much so you put her on a facebook page). He just seems very inconsiderate. She has said several times she feels badly about not being able to go, that's direct enough for someone who cares about you and has reasonable people skills to figure it out you're unhappy. It doesn't matter what his other friends are doing, if it's a couples holiday, if it's an adventure holiday, if they are going to Mars, that isn't the point here. From the way I see it, what matters is that he is inconsiderate of her feelings. She is upset, she has stated she is upset about not being about to go, he has given zero F(*&s. That is a jerk move.

TheStoic · 19/09/2018 04:27

So your daughter is paying rent, and her boyfriend lives with his parents? Do they spend most of their time together at her place?

She's funding this, yet the rest is 50/50 and he won't help her out with the cost of a holiday?

He's taking the piss. She needs to get rid.

Logits · 19/09/2018 04:27

Well there are plenty of men happy to split 50/50 on dates Not so many split 50/50 on childcare though

What's that got to do with the price of fish? Anyone picking and choosing which 'old fashioned' values to uphold based on what benefits them is unreasonable.

Logits · 19/09/2018 04:31

She definitely needs to stop subsidising him. The relationship isn't as serious as she thought and she shouldn't have to foot the bill of his regular visits/car usage.

Crebobble · 19/09/2018 04:37

I agree he's not serious about her!

noenergy · 19/09/2018 04:38

So he is using her car and staying at hers a few days a week for free!!

Red flag!!! To not even offer a loan of the money

pallisers · 19/09/2018 04:39

This is an interesting thread.

Nearly everyone on both sides of the argument thinks that the boyfriend just isn't that into her. I don't think one person has come on and said "oh no OP, he is mad about her it is just this is how being completely in love shows itself these days"

Some people blame the OP's dd (which seems a bit unfair since the daughter didn't post but whatever) for expecting a bit more. Some people blame the boyfriend for not being good enough.

But the reality is no one on this thread thinks this man is head over heels in love with this woman.

To me the crux of the bigger argument is this

So he's terrible and deserves to be dumped even though there's a chance that neither have offered solutions? Surely as the one unable to pay then she should be the one trying to fix it?

What is this crap about "deserves to be dumped"? Relationships aren't an employment contract where you can only be fired for good reason. A woman can dump a man even if he doesn't "deserve" it. She can set her own standards and want them to be met. So can a man (I say this to my son and my daughters). You don't have to justify not wanting to be in a relationship with somone - that you think they aren't the one for you is enough.

If the dd in this case decides to dump this man, she doesn't have to have a reason that stands up to the MN test or any other test. That he isn't good enought for her is enough. She can set her standards wherever she wants.

On MN it is clear many women married/live with men who aren't that into them, don't treat them really well, don't care that much. I ofteb think they had this "well he doesn't deserve to be dumped" thing doing on when making their choice of partner.

This woman may be considering moving in with this man (according to OP they are discussing it). I would strongly advise her to not do this. I also think she could do better than a man who nearly everyone on an AIBU thread agrees is fairly lukewarm about her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread