AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

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I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

I think you’ve done the right thing. If you’d said adult only after saying ok to this girl your friend would’ve got it in the neck and she’d blame you! When friend inevitably starts up about staying over when she has tea, say no no I’ve said no. Keep making excuses each time till it kind of falls off the radar. Arrange nights out with the mum, ie out of the house.

Stop with this silly 2.5 hour idea.

Your DD doesn't want the kid over. Respect that.

Your DDs feelings are more important than the other people.

• you have a cold and feel crap
• DD1 is exhausted and very emotional and the further on in the week it is the worse it gets.
• DD2 isn't sleeping well.

It's just not a good week for a play date.

If the mum would like to do just a grown up evening that's great. But she may catch your cold. Its her choice.

I hope your daughter’s dad is a better role model for social communication skills for your children than you are.

Thanks for this.

No parent is going to be the perfect role model in all departments. We all have our struggles. The plan is, they come over, we eat. I put on a movie and snuggle up on the couch with my 2 DD's. Friend and her DD are welcome to do the same. Then they go home. And in future I prevent myself from getting us into this situation. Sorry, i'm not perfect but I try.

I always ask my children first if they want another child over. I listen to them. If they say no. I text them to say sorry but the children don't want to meet up/sleep over. Not too late to text saying that really.

You really seem to be tying yourself up in knots over this
You don't want there kid round
Your kids don't either.
"Hi, I didn't want to say earlier but I just want our evening to be adults only, do you want to come round when you've got your dd to bed"
It's fair, nobody could be offended

The plan is, they come over, we eat. I put on a movie and snuggle up on the couch with my 2 DD's. Friend and her DD are welcome to do the same. Then they go home. And in future I prevent myself from getting us into this situation. Sorry, i'm not perfect but I try.

But your daughter doesn't want to see this other friends DD, it won't be nice snuggles on the sofa, she'll be incredibly tense and stressed.

I also doubt it will go to your timetable.

If this is you trying then jeez. Just bloody women up and protect your DD. Ffs. You really are letting her down.

oh god please find a way to cancel.you innocent child has even said to make up sickness to avoid this visit and having tp be with this child.that real fear and determination not to have to spend time with her.listen to what she is telling you with everything shes saying.dont put her through it.

I’ve been in your shoes, almost exactly. My DD’s school also recommended separation (I’m more of the “they’ve got to learn to get in with all sorts eventually” type, but went with their suggestion), and I too felt duplicitous that I was having these conversations with the school while saying nothing to my friend.

I prevaricated over play dates for nearly an entire school year; would meet up with the Mum during the day. I think she may have guessed something was up, but we’ve never discussed it. The prevarication was because my DD also asked not to have play dates with the other girl, and I allowed her not to despite the “you have to find a way to get in with everyone” line.

Towards the end of the school year I went over to their place with my DD and stayed for lunch and what ended up being a long, fun, enjoyable afternoon for all. The other girl had matured between 4yo and 5yo, my DD wasn’t taking everything so personally anymore, they got on great. Now, the girls are friendly but have moved onto other friendships, and I still spend lots of time with the Mum who I have a lot of respect for (for totally unrelated reasons) and whose time I enjoy a lot.

I prevaricated by saying things like (this was 100% true, lies have a habit of catching up with you) “she gets exhausted after school, and the baby needs to be in bed early too”, and “well my DD is nowhere near as interested in sport as yours, I don’t think gym classes would go down well with her!”, or “yes we will definitely come over, once we can find space and time to do so properly” (which is what we did).

So it can have a happy ending. It is tricky though. The duplicity point......in my case, turns out there were other girls the friend’s DD was having identical issues with, and she was also finding herself in the receiving end of the kind of behaviour she doled out to my DD. So my friend ended up having exactly the same conversations with school as the “victim’s” parent. I’m 100% certain she hasn’t addressed those parents directly. I think all parents become aware that all is not necessarily what it seems, for reasons which are essentially in each child’s best interests. These things only happen for a few short years and it all settles down. The adults just need to be adults about it, I think.

50% of my “in”s should be “on”s!!

Indeed-we do all have struggles. If people bother to give me advice I have asked for though, I do try to listen.

Your daughter has asked you to cancel this evening. She has asked you to fake an illness to get out of it. Yet still you invite a child into her home whose friendship you know to have a detrimental affect on her, who breaks things in your house and who physically hurts your youngest child!

If a child’s parent doesn’t listen to and protect them in their own house, who will?

I’ll leave this thread now, I think.

What's done is done if you want to save the friendship with the mum there is no backing out now. Time to focus on what you can change.

1. closely supervising the girls so that your dds feel safe I suggest you do pizza making (buy pizza kids put toppings on) or alike as it's fun but your are ther and then as you say the movie! And make sure any special toys are put into a safe room the kids won't be in.

2. being firm on leaving time! we need to go to bed now it's been a long week! Be firm stick with the time you say! Don't budge even by 5 mins!

3. you need a line you are comfortable with for the future to stop this happening again! You have to find something you are comfortable with that you have in your head for the future that way there is no more being caught off guard. This friend seems more assertive than you so you need to be strong and firm otherwise there will always be a compromise and you will always be the compromising:

Your poor DD. She now knows that she comes second in your thoughts to your friend and a child who clearly causes her anxiety. And so soon after she’s just started school when she probably wants extra love and protection.

I don’t usually have a go on these things, but I say nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. Grow up and put your DD first. You’ve had so many suggestions as to how to not go through with this. You’ve had your DD asking you to cancel and asking you to lie (she’s 4. That is not standard 4yo behaviour). And you still won’t put her first because you are too weak to say no?

It really is ok to say it is adults only. Why not? No lying required. If she is pushy just repeat. Adults only and no sleepovers for the time being. Perfectly reasonable and you don't need to explain or make excuses. Your house, your DC, your invite. She can say no.

Now you and your DD are doing something neither of you want. And the chances of her DD sitting quietly watching a film are pretty low I'd have thought. Your wee one asking you to lie shocks me tbh. She must really not want this to happen.

Okay... I'm going to cancel on the morning. I'll just explain that DD1s exhausted, DD2's not sleeping well and I'm not well. All are/will be true most likely anyway. I want to make it clear, I really don't think badly of friends DD at all. It's just child like, 4 year old behaviour but at the end of the day, DD's needs matter most and I need to put those first.

I'm a little upset because apparently friends older son who is at the same school approached DD along with his sister and said "are you (insert sisters name)'s friend?" DD said "hold on, hold on" but they kept saying "hurry up!!! Are you her friend??" And DD told me she said very quietly "I'm not sure" and then ran away. She only told me this as I was putting her to bed. Feels like they're putting a lot of pressure on her when she just wants to do her own thing/ make new friends. Upsets me!

I think it's a really tricky situation. Two of my friends had horribly behaved children at 4/5 and I wasn't able to see the parents alone. Ultimately I needed to put my daughter's needs above my friendships.

My friendships haven't really survived - we talk briefly when we accidentally meet but the closeness has gone. My daughter is still nervous around them.

Totally agree with everything you said x

It is difficult for you but you are the lion at the gate for your daughter. Keep out her enemies!

(Imagine if this guest was someone who bullied you - and would meet people in your social network the next day and use everything they had seen/done at your house to make you feel bad.)

If your daughter is invited for a sleepover, pause to ask if she wants to go - then tell your friend that she doesn't. ( Your response? A breezy: 'That's 4 year olds isn't it? They are always falling in/out of friendships.')

Don't burn the friendship - but draw back a little if you can. As you say - the girl will grow up and change. School is good for helping them develop better social skills and empathy/good behaviour can improve.

HolidayShopping, that’s a really horrible and unnecessary thing to say. Most of us have floundered when put in the spot at some stage. It’s so much easier to think of things in hindsight or from a distance. The OP has been put in a difficult situation.

Op, following today’s shenanigans, though, I think you could say “the truth is Dd isn’t feeling all that comfortable with some of the things that are happening at school. For example she had Big Brother demanding she answer questions today. It isn’t her style. so she ‘s been taking a step sideways into other friendships “.

It might wreck your friendship, but one way and another every approach risks that. It’s the way things are.

Just tell her she can have lots of friends.

To be fair to your friend, if she has no idea you/your DD feel this way about her DD, she probably doesn't realise her DD coming would be an issue. If you're not prepared to be honest with her you need to be more specific about any future plans, i.e. Do you fancy a child free evening.....I hope you can resolve this awkward situation.

Poor you Namechange. Definitely cancel this one. Lots of reassurance to your DD about how she can play with who she wants etc and that it’s really important she tells you if anyone makes her feel uncomfortable or sad. By cancelling you are showing her you are listening to her and taking her concerns seriously. I wouldn’t get worked up about not being totally truthful either - you are trying to spare the feelings of the other mum and her DD. Personally I don’t have an issue with that - sometimes the total truth can be incredibly cruel. Some set answers for future like “I’m friends with everyone” would perhaps make her feel more confident going forward. If you want to stay friendly with the other mum then you are now forewarned about how situations can get manipulated so you can have set replies ready.

You wanted an adult only evening, your DD doesn’t want this girl round. A 4 year old has said to you they want to come and you’re letting her dictate your evening/spoil your plans.
You should have said to the friend’s DD at the time that she wasn’t coming this time but she could come a different time. As you haven’t said that you really need to say to your friend it was originally adults only and you’re not feeling too great, your DD is tired from school,etc so can she come on her own and you’ll sort something with the kids a different time.

Honestly, don’t change your plans because a 4 year old has told you they want to come too!

Fgs OP you have been given plenty of responses and ways in which ti deal with this but younare ignoring it all in favour of your own idead, which I'm sorry, are just crap. Your DD doesn't want this child over, nursery had concerns to the point they wanted them in separate classes in school, she's being pressured by the older brother to say she's friends and this child has broken her toys. What else needs to happen before you will woman up, listen to what your child wants and tell your friend her DD isn't coming over.

Fgs OP you have been given plenty of responses and ways in which ti deal with this but younare ignoring it all in favour of your own idead, which I'm sorry, are just crap.

I'm cancelling. I said it a couple of posts ago.