AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

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I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

You say that she wouldn't be happy if you backed out now.

But you're not happy with the plan as it has now ended up. More importantly, not are your dds.

Why does their unhappiness trump yours?

2.5 hours-that’s very specific! What could possibly go wrong!

I've explained that I'll need to put my DD to bed early (7pm) as she'll need it now she's at school. I'm also now considering texting (because I'm worried I've not spelt it out enough in my first message and I want to avoid her turning up with her PJs) saying that unfortunately I won't be able to do a sleepover because younger DD isn't sleeping well ATM (true) and that I'm putting sleepovers on hold for DD now until she's a bit older now that she's busy & tired with school through the week. Hopefully that'll solve it.

Yes you definitely need to spell out that you don’t want a sleepover or that is exactly what will happen.

To be honest if it were my friend and I valued them as a friend I would just say “I’m really sorry but your DD and my DD haven’t been getting along recently and DD doesn’t want a sleepover at the moment, I’m sure as with all kids they’ll fall in and out of friendships as they grow up but I don’t want to pressure her and make her feel uncomfortable so I don’t think a sleepover is a good idea for the moment”

So you're completely ignoring your DD's feelings and forcing her to spend time with a child she doesn't like just to save you feeling a bit awkward.

Why in the name of god would you invite her over for 2.5 hours knowing how unhappy your daughter is about it, after all who do you expect to play with the child I bet it won’t be you and your daughter will be lumped with that chore.

Get a grip and put a stop to this charade.

I wouldn't let them through the door as I sense you will have difficulty getting them to leave; find a way to cancel completely.

Sorry OP but that is a terrible plan. Your poor daughter- it’s her home and she shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in it.

So you're completely ignoring your DD's feelings and forcing her to spend time with a child she doesn't like just to save you feeling a bit awkward.
This ^^, when you could have stuck to the original plan or nothing.

I'm just getting this all wrong

Come on - woman up!

Text her - sorry I think I misheard your DD! It's adults only on Saturday the kids will be in bed.
We'll make it another day.

I’m sorry op but you are. Why can’t you just tell your friend it’s adults only or cancel all together? It baffles me why you can’t do that.

If you can't face telling her the truth just text and cancel, feeling a bit under the weather, and then arrange to catch up in a pub one night after kids are in bed. Just don't invite her around or make it clear it's adults only.

I think your plan is fine if you plan on being there for the pizza/tv part. You're supporting your DD(s) by limiting the time and being on hand to supervise, but still being polite and friendly.

It's less of a good plan if you intend to leave the children alone.

You are going to have to be honest at some time!

You said you had tried to cool the friendship? So surely you have nothing to lose by actually saying that your daughter does not like the way she is treated by her daughter? It is harsh, very harsh, but surely your friend has to have seen the way she acts?

If it was me I would tell her exactly what has been happening and that there is a choice going forward, either only an adult only friendship or no friendship.

Just "blame" (in a nice way) your dd. It's the easiest way to get out of this situation. You just text "I'm so sorry, dd is so tired and emotional at the moment I think we'll just have to put the meet up on hold. I think she's exhausted and she's just not managing company at home - she's just getting tired and tearful. Can we go back to the original plan of just us two meeting?"

If she pushes for more sleepovers you just mention your dd's tiredness/ she's not sleeping/ she won't sleep when other people are around."

It's a really easy excuse as your friend can't really argue with it. I've used similar with my older dd when she's been invited for sleepovers but not wanted to go - "she's going thru a phase of not sleeping at night/nightmares and isn't really up for sleepovers at the moment". (Which was true but the real reason was that she just didn't want to go!)

No, it's not a lose / lose, and you can salvage this. You have to put your DD first, not your friend's feelings. You've got to stop giving a damn about what she thinks about you. She doesn't care what you think about her ie. letting her DD gatecrash.

See what she says about the pizza / TV idea which is a reasonable compromise. You can try plonking her DD in front of the tv and your DD's can play together upstairs .

Promise yourself that you'll nip any future play dates in the bud. Only ask her over when it's impossible for her DD to come. And if that's never, then never ask her. If she asks, say 'Oh DD isn't very keen on playdates at the moment. Children are funny aren't they haha? So let's leave it for now. Now, how about a coffee just the two of us?'

You can't put off telling her indefinitely. She'll keep asking to meet up with the children and have sleepovers etc. You'll have to keep lying over and over again to accommodate her.

You're saying to your DD you have to invite people who are nasty into your home.

You don't have to say that her daughter is horrible but honestly if the Mum doesn't know what her daughter is doing then how can she at least try and help her daughter to behave better?

If her daughter behaves badly and she's not being firm enough, hearing it from someone she respects is much better than from an angry school Mum.

I get it's hard. I hate to offend anyone and am a real avoider of conflict but when it comes to your children you need to be strong and do what's best for them, not what is easier for you or the Mum.

Really bad idea OP. Your poor DD.

DD has asked me to please cancel though so I do also feel guilty about that.

Your poor DD. She has asked you to fabricate an illness and to cancel outright. She frankly sounds scared of this girl. Step up and cancel or you’ll only teach her to be a people-pleaser - which is what has got you into this whole mess.

Please just ring your friend on Friday and say DD isn't up to it, assuming she still doesn't want friend to come.

No excuses etc literally "DD is clearly knackered from school and doesn't want to do the pizza evening anymore so we'll just have to leave it" any questions/emotional blackmail etc "DD is very upset and doesn't want to and I am not going to force my DD to have a play date when she's in this state over it"

OP, what was the matter with my approach posted a couple of days ago:

“Hi, friend, I just wanted to say could we revert to an adult only evening on Saturday as planned? Dd is quite done in with starting school, we have a big day out (or early start to something or other) on Sunday, so a sleepover isn't ideal, and to be honest, I just wanted to get the dds to bed good and early and don't want to be dealing with a load of over-excited kids on an evening with you. Hope that's OK" (no question mark)”

OK, damage limitation this time, be ready, on the dot to stand up and say “OK, bed time shall we say goodbye to ?? Name?”

If there is any trouble, crying or upset caused by visiting child, say “oh this is what nursery were saying, that they don’t really play happily any more. I suppose their friendships change when they go to school and make friends separately from their Mums).

This freind doesn't sound very nice at all.

Just edit that reply above to say "Hi friend, I've decided that I'd really like to revert to..." and you're good to go.

I’m just getting this all wrong

Yes, you are! Why??

You’re ignoring what your daughter wants. You’re ignoring what everyone on here suggested (why bother posting for advice?!).
You’re ignoring what you want

I hope your daughter’s dad is a better role model for social communication skills for your children than you are.

Mandra and Lostandfound81 have given really good responses. Please be honest with her and say that your daughter doesn’t want sleepovers or that they are not getting along so well at the moment and it was to be an adult evening since your DD will be asleep but you understand if she can’t make it due to babysitting issues. If she presses, be even more honest and say your DD is finding her DD s bit overpowering at the moment and they need time to settle in school. I have had to say to a friend that our kids had fallen out once when they had and mine was adamant he didn’t want hers round to play. Nearly lost a friendship over it but didn’t in the long run although she was sore for several years afterwards. At least she knows that I was completely honest with her. Please don’t use the word “hopefully” when saying you wanted an adult evening as that allows her room for manoeuvre.

If it ever happens again, tell her daughter straight that sorry, she cannot invite herself to others houses as it is bad manners. Your friend may alllow her 4 year old to dictate to her, but you should not allow her to do so to you! She needs to hear the word “no” more often. Deliberately breaking other kids toys is a nasty thing to do. I would collect the bits and give them to the Mum and tell her what happened as she is probably unaware. Good luck with this- please be assertive and stand firm - you should not be polite just to avoid offending a 4 year old !