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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my daughter cut her hair?

160 replies

Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:23

So DD turns 5 this weekend and has just started school.

Now I’m normally all for people dressing how they want and looking how they want and I generally let DD choose her own clothes/shoes etc.

But she’s become really vocal about wanting to cut all her (shoulder length) hair off. This is in no way a fashion statement, she just detests having it brushed. Every morning it’s a battle and she’s becoming increasingly insistent that she wants it ‘short like her brother’s’ (so basically a typical boy crop) because his doesn’t hurt when it’s perfunctorily brushed.

I feel as though she will really regret this if I let her do it. Especially since she’s just started school and peer pressure and peer judgement are going to be coming in to play pretty soon.

If she really wanted it short because she liked the style I know I’d feel differently and if she decides to cut it when she’s older I’ll be happy to take her but since it’s just related to her hatred of having it brushed, I’m extremely reluctant.

So AIBU to pull the ‘I’m your parent, I know better’ card on this, seeing as she’s only just 5?

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 18/09/2018 15:56

Crikey. Is short hair really so controversial on a girl? Why?

QuestionableMouse · 18/09/2018 15:56

The other kids won't care and it's better than fighting over it all the time.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2018 15:57

If she really wants it, go for it, its hair, it will grow. I feel we have to get away from the gender stereotypes, it is fine for girls to have short hair, there are many lovely styles out there.

Eliza9917 · 18/09/2018 15:58

I wouldn't do it. Young kids with crops look awful imo. Especially girls. They look like they've had their hair shaved because of nits. And ime it's always the Jeremy Kyle type kids that just have a 1 all over.

reallyanotherone · 18/09/2018 15:59

I know what the 'correct' answer should be. But I also know I just wouldn't cut my daughters hair that short. A bob is about as far as id go, and even then id be sad

Why? It’s her hair, why do you use “I” as if it’s solely your decision? We have always told dd “her body, her choice”, and that extends to her hair.

My mum insisted I get my hair cut how she wanted it right up until my teens. Let’s just say we do not have a healthy relationship.

I don’t understand why long hair on girls is so important. Why people attach emotions too it. It’s basically a symbol of a gender stereotype.

What’s the absolute worst that can happen? She hates it, it grows out in a few months.

My dd asked for a pixie cut age 7, having had one up til age 3 when she wanted it long. She got pissed off with the washing, brushing, plaiting etc. She has had it short two years now and never looked back. And has found several of her classmates now also have had their hair cut short too.

One warning is hairdressers often follow the same line of thinking- we struggled to find a hairdresser who wasn’t worried about cutting a girls hair so short. You may need to go a bit “upmarket” to the more experimental/fashionable places.

Sleepykate · 18/09/2018 15:59

Yabu

Lancelottie · 18/09/2018 16:02

I'd go for similar length to her brother's, unless he's a little skinhead. Think of the entertainment 30 years later as you unearth the photos and try to work out which of them is which.

DD currently has the shortest hair of my lot. I much prefer it to all the years of wrestling with enough pointless detangling products to grease a battleship.

Babdoc · 18/09/2018 16:02

I used to cut DDs hair pretty short in primary school. She complained it made her look like a Romulan from Star Trek! But now she’s 29 she chooses to have it drastically shorter than that - I think she looks like Servalan from Blake’s Seven (if anyone’s old enough to remember that), but it really suits her. Her boyfriend has longer hair than she does.
Within reason, OP, just go with what style your DD wants. She can grow it out or change it easily enough.
At primary age it’s so much easier to play, swim, etc without long hair being a nuisance. And if you cut it, bullies can’t pull it.

reallyanotherone · 18/09/2018 16:03

I wouldn't do it. Young kids with crops look awful imo. Especially girls. They look like they've had their hair shaved because of nits. And ime it's always the Jeremy Kyle type kids that just have a 1 all over

Bollocks. My dd looks bloody gorgeous, and her hair gets her a lot of positive attention. She’s been scouted as a child model several times for her “look”- she really stands out.

“All young kids with crops look awful”.
What all of them?

Bollocks.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 16:06

However I do relate to the sensation of disappointment. She is not meant to live up to your image, let her be herself.

This is so incredibly unfair. I don’t have an ‘image’ for my daughter. She is her own, beautiful self, and would be her own beautiful self no matter what her hair looks like. She could shave her head bald and I could NEVER feel ‘disappointed’ in her.

I don’t know how to explain myself any better - I do not have a set ideal of what her hair should look like.

I have no problem whatsoever with short hair on girls. None. I like it.

I was looking for advice on whether, at just turned 5, the best course of action would be to let her do what she likes even if I’m worried it will upset her, or whether I should encourage her to persevere with her longer hair (it isn’t ‘long’, it’s shoulder length. Actually fairly short already) on the basis I’m not convinced she genuinely wants it short. NOT because I don’t want it short.

It seems I am definitely BU, and I really appreciate all the calm and measured responses that have demonstrated that to me.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 18/09/2018 16:07

as it isn't very long anyway, cut it a bit shorter and see what she thinks. It's not as if she has years of hair to lose.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 16:08

So to clarify, you think your five year old daughter should endure daily pain JUST IN CASE another five year old says something mean to her?

To clarify, no, I don’t want her to rush to shave off her hair in case she is really upset once she has. As I’ve said about three times already.

OP posts:
MarianneAgain · 18/09/2018 16:08

My mother cut our hair so short that everyone thought she had sons not daughters.
I think you should let her decide - I wish my Mum had let me decide... I hated having short hair and have always had it long since I took charge of the matter in my teens.

choli · 18/09/2018 16:13

I'm often astonished at how overly invested mothers can be with their daughters' hair. They don't seem to have the same issues with sons' hair.

I would keep hair short until the child is able to take care of it herself, it puts an end to the morning drama.

WeAreSailing · 18/09/2018 16:15

@Disfordarkchocolate
Are silk pillows really effective for preventing tangles?

0rlaith · 18/09/2018 16:15

I think you are getting an unfair time here OP.

I assume you have tried plaiting it so it doesn’t get tangled ?

If she still wants it cut, I’d compromise with a chin length bob ( or similar style suitable for her hair type ) plus tangle teaser and leave in conditioner spray. Tell her that if she tries that for 15 sleeps and doesn’t like it she can have it shorter.

And you have to follow through .

WeAreSailing · 18/09/2018 16:17

@Disfordarkchocolate sorry meant silk pillowcases

Dorkdiary · 18/09/2018 16:18

I would let her Bob it too. I did with mine this age as she hated it brushed.

IsadoraQuagmire · 18/09/2018 16:19

I do think little girls look lovely with bobs (only downside, more regular haircuts to keep it looking good)
Lots of time for long hair, if she decides she wants it, when she's older and can look after it herself.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/09/2018 16:21

I was that child and wanted my hair cut for the same reason. My Mum gave in. Unfortunately, our local hairdresser could only do shampoo and sets or boys' short cuts. So I ended up with a short layered cut and it looked shite. I have no idea why they didn't do a bob.

BlingLoving · 18/09/2018 16:24

OP - I hear you. If the pain is the only thing, encourage her to try new things such as the leave in conditioner that others have mentioned. But I agree with other posters that if she wants it cut, she should and it might be a lesson for her to learn if she then regrets it afterwards.

I struggle with this from a different perspective - I'd like to cut DDs hair. It's beautiful but thick, long and curly and it's hard work. But whenever I mention it the outrage all over is so strong I don't feel I can go through with it. I've even had two hairdressers tell me they won't do it!

At the first sign she wants it cut, I'll do it, but so far I haven't because I'm worried she's already picked up from everyone else on the planet that her hair is super gorgeous and therefore important and I don't think she's old enough yet to understand that it's entirely up to her and that she's beautiful no matter what.

Whipsmart · 18/09/2018 16:24

Well she's already started school so at least the kids there already know her so there won't be any confusion. She could have pretty hair slides and alice bands to make a crop look more feminine. I'd let her go for it, maybe cutting it a bit shorter first to see how it goes.

NervousPotato · 18/09/2018 16:26

have you tried a de-tangler spray and a tangle teezer brush? if you can figure out how to make it less painful to brush her hair, maybe you can convince her not to do this.

I too, asked my mum to cut my lovely long hair into a bob with a full fringe when i was younger, and it never grew back to the length it once was, i really wish she didnt let me do it as i definitely didnt know best lol. I would be reluctant to cut my daughters hair so short as well!

RiverTam · 18/09/2018 16:29

Let her go for it. I speak as someone who’s DD refuses to have her hair cut (her USP is that she has the longest hair in the class which is very very very literally important) and the hairbrishing, even with a tangle teaser, can be a pain.

I would love her to have a pixie cut!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/09/2018 16:32

How about sitting down with her and looking at girls short hair cuts on Pinterest or something? Then once she has chosen then tell her if she still wants it like that by the weekend / next week you will take her. Then go to a decent hairdresser and show them the picture and they will probably give you some tips on styling / looking after it as well.