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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my daughter cut her hair?

160 replies

Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:23

So DD turns 5 this weekend and has just started school.

Now I’m normally all for people dressing how they want and looking how they want and I generally let DD choose her own clothes/shoes etc.

But she’s become really vocal about wanting to cut all her (shoulder length) hair off. This is in no way a fashion statement, she just detests having it brushed. Every morning it’s a battle and she’s becoming increasingly insistent that she wants it ‘short like her brother’s’ (so basically a typical boy crop) because his doesn’t hurt when it’s perfunctorily brushed.

I feel as though she will really regret this if I let her do it. Especially since she’s just started school and peer pressure and peer judgement are going to be coming in to play pretty soon.

If she really wanted it short because she liked the style I know I’d feel differently and if she decides to cut it when she’s older I’ll be happy to take her but since it’s just related to her hatred of having it brushed, I’m extremely reluctant.

So AIBU to pull the ‘I’m your parent, I know better’ card on this, seeing as she’s only just 5?

OP posts:
crrrzy · 18/09/2018 14:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:44

I would hate to have you as a mother, you dictator.

Haha! Wow! Don’t worry, I’d hate to have you as my emotionally overcharged offspring so we’re even. Grin

I don’t get why grown ups have to control how kids hair looks.

I honestly don’t have a desire to control how her hair looks, I really don’t. I have no particular attachment to her current hairstyle. For the posters saying I’m being controlling, that really isn’t it, I promise.

What I do have a desire to avoid is the tearful meltdown that I fear will happen if I let her shave her hair off. Which is what she wants. So it’s more that I feel like I can predict how it will end and I don’t think she’ll like the final result. I suppose I should just let her get on with it and see, but I want to avoid her being upset with her decision.

But I do like the idea of a bob compromise if she’ll go for it. She has quite thick, wavy hair so I’ll have to take her somewhere good and get it —tackled— styled properly. I guess if once that’s done she’s adamant she still wants it shaved then I should let her do it and hope she loves it.

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 18/09/2018 14:45

DS2 changes his length and style every time he goes to the barber's.

StormTreader · 18/09/2018 14:48

Get her a pixie cut, that can look really cute. Or make sure you're conditioning her hair!
Shoulder length hair shouldn't hurt to have brushed unless you're really yanking the brush through quickly or she has very curly hair.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:49

fizzytonicplease, that’s reassuring, thank you!

And Wobblington, that’s a great idea, I think we’ll definitely give that a try and I’ll let her stop wherever she chooses.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 18/09/2018 14:50

DD wanted her hair short at about 6 and we did it. She never said it was because of hairbrushing, although it was always a terrible trial for all concerned. At 9 she finally had it cut in a pixie cut (aka what little kids think is a 'boy cut'). I had the same at the same age and actually held off doing it with my own daughter until I was really sure she wanted it and wasn't copying me somehow.

If you're a bit unsure, I agree just go for a short bob. Honestly, you will both be pleased by not having to deal with the brushing! And if she doesn't like it, she can grow it out.

Yes, DD has to take some silly comments because of her very short hair, but she loves it and had no intention of growing out her crop (despite my MIL pleading with her to grow it Angry )

DorisLessingsCat · 18/09/2018 14:50

I love short hair on girls. When I was growing up it was so much more common and I miss the diversity. I hate the idea that girls must have long hair. It's ridiculous gender stereotyping.

In my experience five year old girls don't care in that much detail about their appearance. And if they do they shouldn't.

madja · 18/09/2018 14:50

Yeah, I had short hair as a kid because I hated having it brushed. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much her wanting her hair cut? I've had it short, long and everywhere in between over the years, and my mum took me for the haircuts. We used to choose a style together.
I think you should let her cut it if that's what she wants, because it isn't your hair, it's hers, and it should be comfortable for her.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:54

Shoulder length hair shouldn't hurt to have brushed unless you're really yanking the brush through quickly or she has very curly hair.

Well this is my other reason for reluctance - the brushing isn’t actually that bad!! There’s usually fairly minimal tangling and it wouldn’t take long so to do if she didn’t spend so long shouting!

OP posts:
HyggeHeart · 18/09/2018 14:55

leave in conditioner spray, spray it on before you brush. works wonders.

DiegoMad0nna · 18/09/2018 14:56

If it was my DD I'd just cut it. If she hates it, it will grow back and she'll have learned a lesson!

Mugglemom · 18/09/2018 14:56

I think a good compromise might be to start with a short bob and if it still hurts or she still wants to cut it all then let her.

Original poster
Windmyonlyfriend · 18/09/2018 14:56

I’m not sure why it bothers you so much her wanting her hair cut?

Because I’m worried she’ll hate it once it’s done and be really upset.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 18/09/2018 15:00

And then that's a lesson learnt. You can't stop her from doing stuff she wants because she might not like it. That way madness lies.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 18/09/2018 15:03

My 7 year old had long hair. She randomly decided she wanted a bob. She was very insistent, so I let her go for it. Then at her next haircut, bob then became a very short bob. Then at her next haircut, the very short bob became a longish pixie cut. Which surprised me because she's quite a 'girly girl'. She loves it and so do I. She gets lots of compliments and to be honest, I feel proud of her for being confident enough to be different and not follow the crowd - she's the only girl in her school with short hair and she couldn't care less because she loves it.

Seeingadistance · 18/09/2018 15:05

She wants to make a sensible change to her appearance to stop a PAINFUL daily experience. Good for her!

Don't tell her, by words or actions, that it is her duty as a female to endure pain for the sake of appearance.

Short hair is just fine!

madja · 18/09/2018 15:06

Absolutely. It's a life lesson. If she doesn't like it, it will grow back.
You can't protect her from upsets for the rest of her life.
Maybe have a chat, and explain to her that it will take time to grow back etc. If she still wants to then I would let her.
My son had glorious curly long hair. He told me he wanted to cut it all off, so we found a nice cut and did it. I was personally devastated, and thought he would be too once he realised how short it was. He loves it, I don't, but that's my issue.

bitchwitch · 18/09/2018 15:06

the internet is your friend.
there are thousands of sites with haircuts featured.
when daughter was 5 she saw Peter Pan and wanted a fairy(tinkerbelle )
cut,which is a pixie cut.
there are even sites where she can see what she would look like with a specific cut.
she may decide she doesn't like it but then again she may choose an adorable pixie or similar cut.
fast drying easy to manage.and it will grow out if she changes her mind.

Booboostwo · 18/09/2018 15:06

Let her cut, she s being really sensible.

madja · 18/09/2018 15:08

The sites where you upload a pic and see what it looks like are a really good idea....

Valanice1989 · 18/09/2018 15:14

Is it just me, or is it a bit weird that people are perfectly happy to let their sons wear dresses on MN, but short haircuts for girls are often controversial?

Cliveybaby · 18/09/2018 15:15

I was this child, hair got so tangly and hurt to be brushed, so at 8 I cut it all off to earlobe-length myself... After the hairdresser had fixed it, it looked ok.
Years later though, maybe aged about 15, I discovered CONDITIONER!!! Which solved the tangly problems. If I had used conditioner and brushing hadn't hurt, I would have loved long hair as a little girl.

HowMuchDowntimeCanYouStand · 18/09/2018 15:15

Cut it off. It will grow back inside a year. Can't see the problem tbh

KnotsInMay · 18/09/2018 15:15

She may not want it cutting as a fashion statement, but you want her to keep long hair that needs brushing a fashion statement? Hmm

You want her to endure hair brushing, which for whatever reason she doesn't like, when she sees he brother NOT having to do it because he is a boy?

You would rather she endure hair brushing in case of theoretical peer pressure?

What sort of messages are you giving her about what girls and women should put up with in order to look a certain way?

Not all small girls have long hair. I have never had long hair in my entire life. I have never had anyone comment (except 'nice haircut' etc)

Get her a good cut that suits her.

Then, if she doesn't like it she can grow it back.

bringincrazyback · 18/09/2018 15:19

Just go slightly shorter, if she hates it she'll abandon the idea. If she likes it you could gradually go shorter and shorter with it.

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