I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

HE is controlling. HE is abusive. The reason he shouts and sulks and calls you controlling is to condition you so that you do not do it. Also people who are, tend to expect everything they say to be law - even you objecting to the smallest thing they cannot deal with and so see that as you being unreasonable.
If you discuss this with him again OP please ask him what he would he say if DD’s DH ever did this to her? Tell him that by taking DD to the party he is showing her that it is ok for a man to treat her that way, that she shouldn’t expect her DH to stand up for her or care for her feelings and also try asking him how he would feel if your family ever did the reverse and you helped to organise and attend a party he was actively excluded from. They are tough questions he will struggle to answer without getting angry but stay calm.

He did once say that he’d not like it at all if a husband treated DD like he treated me. It does feel like we’re not together, going to the birthday without me is what a separated person would do, not a married one. I don’t know of any occasion that I’ve ever been to that someone’s spouse was not invited!

He is an adult who chose to leave rather than face up to his issues. He probably had a good moan about you when he went. The trouble is that sometimes family members get too invested in their relative's relationship issues and judge on the absence of the other party. Problem with this is that if they reconcile with their partner, they cannot accept them back into the family having judged them harshly.
Your dh made a decision to reconcile. Why? Was it because he wanted you and the children back as a family unit again or was it because he couldn't handle the criticism? He should put his family unit first. Always. End of.
If he cannot show his extended family what is important to him by taking a stance and presenting a United front, his family will never accept his decision to move back in and let you back in to the fold. He is a weak man with his priorities screwed up.
By the way, controlling is not the same as asking him to do something for a good reason. Nor is it expressing an opinion that differs from his. Neither of which should, in an equal relationship, end up with a mega flouncy shouting session. He needs to learn the difference.
Go to Mum, talk to her about the issues.. Take DD and plan.
Do you want to spend your life justifying your existence and teaching him about priorities?
Sadly, you cannot stop his family being nasty about you in front of your dd. but he can by making it clear that it is not acceptable in any way for them to badmouthing you when she is about. With him visiting them already with dd the damage has already started. Perhaps contact should be at your house?
As to the party, their behaviour is unforgivable. If he has the balls he was born with, he should decline the invitation politely. If he goes, then he is condoning their behaviour.
Leave for mums the day before and explain why. You need time to think about where this relationship is going and you will not be allowing dd into that volatile environment.

Do you l ow what op, your last post makes me think that he’s told his family that you’ve separated.

There is absolutely no way in HELL that my daughter would be attending or spending any time with my in laws unless they learned some basic manners and stopped acting in such a disgusting and disrespectful way. I wouldn't want my child to witness me being treated like that and think that this sort of behaviour is okay! And my DH wouldnt go either in those circumstances - he wouldn't want to

Your situation is frightening op.

Call your local Womens Aid - it is easier to get through than on the national helpline (unless you call in the middle of the night!).

Calling them is far from drastic. He left you for 3 months because you told him not to give DD a certain food? DD was a baby, you lost your dad during those 3 months. Now his family are excluding you (and your boy ) and SIL has taken a shine to your DD...

Get out of there. And don't be amenable to DD's contact with her dad (and therefore family). I don't know how you're going to do it but, really, don't be naive about the type of people they are.

I’m afraid to say it shows what a weak man your dh actually is. He should be putting you and dd first.

I’d tell him if he goes, he can stay with Sil for ever this time !

I have a Sil who hates me. There’s a story behind it as always, but I would take no shit from her at all. Ever.

The opinions of your MIL and SIL will be informed by whatever he spouted as justification for walking out on his family for three months. He won't have wanted them to have a negative view of him so will have framed it as having no choice but to leave due to your unreasonable behaviour, and given various exaggerated or entirely false examples. SIL and MIL will have believed these, probably advised him if it's that bad not to come back to you etc (advice we'd all give if we were told a family member was in a relationship with someone awful), he returned and again who knows what reasons he gave for that 'she won't let me see my daughter?' maybe. So now they resent you. Their behaviour is not acceptable, but your 'D'H is the root cause and the reason he can't support you now is because he would have to admit to his lies, and so long as they don't think badly of him, he doesn't care how it affects you. You have a DH problem .

The reality is that when he left you, he of course slagged you off to his family and they don’t like you because of what DP has said

We had been to counseling the year before and she had said DH needed to sort out some issues about his non commital attitude, but he didn’t.

And did the counsellor indicate anything you needed to address (or only DH)?

You don't have an inlaw problem you have a dh problem.

If you are together then the two of you are a team, and the two of you are a unit. You back each other up and neither of you would allow others to be a wedge in this way.

The fact that your dh doesn't see you as a partner in this way means that the marriage is over. He may have "returned" physically after leaving before, but he hasn't returned emotionally. He is probably only back because divorce would be expensive. You deserve better. Being alone with an every-other-weekend sharing arrangement would be better.

Good luck op You are a strong woman, you can get through this.

take your dd to visit your family the day of the party xx

I had a lot of this rubbish with my ex and his family and have recently experienced it with my own. What it boils down to, i'm afraid, is both a lack of respect for you and also a lack of liking of you too. Both your sil and your h are responsible here. No man who really loved his partner woulf go along with such rubbish. Somewhere along the line youve become a scapegoat. Id like to say counselling can fix this, but in truth these patterns become so ingrained its very unlikely things will change. If you have to tell a man to give you respect, theres something very wrong with him to befin with. I think its time to consider your options, privately because in my experience things rarely change long term and you deserve not to soend your life feeling like a second class citizen.

Please take a look at the Freedom Project, I think you'll recognise some of the signs of abuse in your relationship (from him, not you)
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You need to decide what you want to do that would be best for you, because a mommy who is not in a right frame of mind can affect a child adversely.

For me personally it would be a no brainer, you seem to have a lovely family back home who genuinely are caring. Maybe it is time for you to make that big brave step and go back home to people who genuinely care about you and your wellbeing.

You do not know what is being said to your daughter or in front of your daughter about you.

Your husband obviously does not care about you and I assume it would only be a matter of time before he walks out or throws you out.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do but remember you need to be the kind of woman you want your daughter to grow up and be.

You've had great advice on here op. You really need to leave him asap. Your children will grow up learning that this is what relationships should be like. I feel sorry for your son in all this. He is seeing his mother bullied, ignored by stepfather, both he and his mother excluded by your in laws.
I also think he is planning to take dd away from you. He didn't take her these last few weeks since you spoke up because he's trying to lull you into a false sense of security. You need to act now op.

Good luck.

I wouldn’t want to go somewhere I wasn’t wanted anyway. Your DH likes those people you don’t why would you be upset you are not invited. If I were you I would let him go with your DD and you and your DS go out and do something you will both enjoy maybe the Cinema. You don’t have to like everyone and they don’t have to like you. I wouldn’t waste my energy worrying about people that for whatever reason don’t want you around them. They are trying to upset you so why show them that they are getting their way, accept the shunning with grace and move on.

Do they know you are a couple again? Is he telling them you’re still separated hence he can’t let you go to the party?

I have to admit, I send DH and DD to mil without me. Why the heck do I want to waste my time with people I don't get on with and treat me like crap.

I'd just let them go and enjoy an afternoon to yourself and relax.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

This relationship is effectively over. Realise this. He has no intention of having you back in his family. His family dont want you as part of their family. Its a no win.

I wouldnt let DD go. No way would i let my child be in an environment where one parent is 'banned' when you havent even split up (yet).

Absolutely no way on Earth I'd entertain NY four year old going to New Zealand for a family party I wasn't invited to.

Awful behavior of your SIL and DH to entertain it. I wouldn't trust them to put the needs of DD first.

One piece of advice I was once given is that other people rarely change and that if you are unhappy with a situation that change has to come from you. You have to look at the other person/people as a fixed entity. Only they themselves can decide to change.

Marriage counselling rarely works when one side is a bully and/or not into it 100%. To change your ways requires a huge amount of introspection and work on yourself. It requires an admission that you are wrong and the reversal of many habits and thought patterns that have been reinforced over many years. It also requires support from the wider family and friend circle, many of who often reinforce the bad habits.

So, can you learn to live with this man and his family who will probably never change (please say no!)? Or do you need to move away from him and build a different, hopefully happy version of your life elsewhere?

Regarding your DS and moving schools, yes I’m sure that will be a bit disruptive for him. However, he is having to live with a man who is cold to him, has left you all high and dry for 3 months and is pretty mean to you when he is there. I think staying for him would be far more damaging.

Good luck OP, I hope things work out for you

They’ve known we are a couple again for the last year. @citysnicker they haven’t set foot in our house in that time. This isn’t a falling out between me and his family, I haven’t seen them in over a year, they have all turned against me because DP left me. I can’t understand! If I’d left him it might be a bit more understandable maybe.

@flippin wise words. I tried marriage counseling, dragged DH along and that was before he left me! I was devastated when he left actually, I felt totally alone. I actually thought his sister might talk some sense into DH, but instead the whole family have decided I’m dreadful.

When DH left me I did say to him, you are leaving for no good reason at all, and he’s said he wanted out of the relationship before but always changed his mind. I told him look, this is a real problem with you, this leaving to punish me or whatever, as it came out strongly in counseling that he was being adamant we weren’t right but when questioned he never really said what the problems were.

I wonder if he did the same to SIL, was so adamant that it was awful etc etc and no way back. But then did come back. She either has to believe that he’s seriously messing me around, by leaving but not meaning it - or that it really is awful and DH is helpless and a victim.

Either way DH has not stuck up for me or our unit for the last year.