I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

I’m concerned that he is taking your DD to his family every weekend to try and establish that he is her main carer, so that she Cabo live with him and his family when you separate / divorce.

Hence the story that you are “ controlling “ . Next thug he will stay that you are abusive , that he has to take Dd away at weekends to keep her safe.

And you have no family or friends nearby who can disprove this account .

I don’t like the sound of this one bit.

@aridane yes the counselor said I needed to address not being seen or heard. She said that I needed to examine why I was letting myself be in situations where I am not valued and ignored. She said at the end of the sessions that there was a good connection between me and DH, but that DH especially needed to go on to his own counseling as his vagueness and evasiveness were his way of holding the power between us. DH didn’t remember any of this now - I wish she’d written it down!

It wouldn’t matter if she has written it down, he wouldn’t pay any attention because he doesn’t want to.

Op please listen 0rlaith.. he is planning to take your dd away. Forget counselling. Forget trying to understand why his toxic family have cut you off.
You need to get away with your kids. He is building an image of you as an unfit mother and that he takes his dd away every weekend to keep her safe from you.

I think you should focus purely on your husband’s disloyalty in this and forget the SIL/party business, after all, you can’t control who she invites.
I see his attitude to this as disloyal and unkind to you. How could a loving husband allow his wife to be made to feel anxious by his family.
Do you want to stay with him?

Please read springydaff's post ^^

No I don’t want to stay with him anymore. I was utterly sick of the situation last month, as this ignoring of me had gone on for months. Yet I had my hopes raised when DH really seemed to understand and even labelled their behaviour bullying, and stopped going around every weekend. He hasn’t been there since.

Yet this party just shows it’s just slipped back. I guess I do really feel DH, by going, and taking DD to a family gathering where everyone will be there except me is like him holding up a sign to all his important people saying that I am not wanted. But my own daughter very much is. It’s bullying and he’s part of it by doing this. I’ve had lots of migraines since this happened I’m really stressed.

I did send him that message, saying I’m taking DD but he’s yet to reply. That means he’s angry with me, he always gets back straight away unless he’s furious. I’ve phoned women’s aid but not got through yet but will keep trying. I’ve gathered important documents and looked at renting properties. I had a brief chat with DS about School, and where we live, just casually, to sound him out without alerting him.

He likes his friends he says and can’t imagine moving at the moment. I’ll talk to my mum and look into schools just in case back home. I’m worried that renting nearby will make me even more vulnerable, I look after DD apart from her school which is only half days, I’ll end up with a worse place than our family home. DH will never move out.

Move back to where your family are. Your ds will make new friends.

Importantly he will have family who love him and treat him and his sibling equally.

Also you will have much needed support from friends and family.

Right now you’re isolated and surrounded by your husbands friends and family and completely alone.

Yes fuzzy - and grappling with a family who are intent on stealing your dd right from under your nose.

Please don't think this can't happen

He did once say that he’d not like it at all if a husband treated DD like he treated me

The only way to stop her ending up with someone like him is for you to leave.

Even he agrees.

Get all your paperwork, personal effects, documents and finances sorted- then go home. I wouldn't give any warning, just pick up your children and go back to your home town.

Your children will adjust, just as they did before.
I have a big hunch that you're being controlled and manipulated, both are forms of abuse. Whatever impact the move has on your children is outweighed by that of an abusive situation where you are belittled and disrespected.

Had I sent that message to my dh, I probably wouldn’t have got a reaction either. It’s a lot to process. Are you sure he’s angry? Not trying to doubt you. Just a question. I totally understand why you are wanting to split. The abuse by his family has been sustained and horrible and there were problems even before that happened. There is only a certain amount a wife and mother with two children treated so very differently can bear.

Hi OP, i have been thinking about you and your situation for a while and i cant get it out of my head. I hope you and your DC are doing well.

Maybe im wrong but i was thinking maybe your husbands family are angry with you because your H has made it out that you are going to deny him access to your daughter unless he comes back to you and thats why hes back with you. And because of this they feel anger towards you.

I was also thinking hes probably told them you talk badly about them infront of DD so they want to see her alone.

This is a really horrible situation to be in and i hope you and your DC will be happy soon. Sending lots of love

Are you ok OP, hope today has gone well

Thank you so much for your messages of support, it means a lot.

DH responded and said it is totally out of order of me, he said it ‘asserts that I shouldn’t have a right to bring DD to see my family because you have adjudicated that their values are inferior to yours’. He said he was frustrated at having me make assertions directed at me and again said that I was making him out as inferior with inferior values.

I think he’s missed my point. I didn’t say anything bad about his family but they seem to be okay about excluding me and openly disliking me, and if that means I’ve different values then I do. There was no understanding from him that I was hurt and no mention of our unit or my DS being important.

I relied that I wanted to break up and said that if he couldn’t see how his family hating me has a negative effect on DD or DS long term then he is jeopardising our family unit and especially my relationship with the kids. I said that I’d rather be around my own family who can support me, and have an untainted relationship with both my kids.

He said I was projecting my own feelings onto DD, that this all about me but I was projecting it onto my kids to validate and excuse assertions. He said I crossed a line trying to ‘control and restrict’ what he did with DD. He said that I’d not tolerate him being restrictive with me if he imposed this on my family. He said that they don’t hate or bad mouth me at all.

It’s like I’m making this up. He admittted they were bullies only last month. And last year said they hated me. I sent a few messages and Christmas cards etc over the last year, none replied. His mother ignored me in the street. None of them sent anything for my birthday, none of them said anything when my father died. He never used to see his SIL this much before and when DD was a baby we hardly saw her.

I’ve not said anything bad about them to DH. Well I did once last year when he revealed why they never visited us after he broke up, he said SIL was so angry about me and wouldn’t stop going on to him. I said then that I thought that was really unfair, that I’d done nothing! But since then I’ve avoided the subject as there was enough stress. It was two months ago that I suddenly realised he’d been taking DD all the time. He’d kept wanting me to ‘go have a coffee’ in town, which I would on my own. And my discomfort grew.

I feel pretty low today sorry all. DH is insisting I let DD go to this birthday.

Sorry about mistakes. Replied and ‘assertions directed at him... ‘

Oh he is a delight isn’t he. You tell him your unhappy about being excluded and he rambles on about being inferior, misses the point of your issue and turns it on you. My word he is good isn’t he. Go home and see your family and speak to them. You need support to manage this toxic man and his family. Stay strong, return to this thread to remember it’s not you.

Oh Tortoise you had an awful day I'm so sorry.

What was his reaction when he said you wanted to split? It has probably got to the point where you would be better not engaging in any of the inaccuracies in his arguments as things will get unnecessarily heated and just cause more animosity. Conversations like 'If your family didn't hate me then I would have been invited to the party and none of this would be an issue'.

You need to start building your own support network, find a decent family solicitor who can advise re access and things. Talk things over seriously with your son to see how you can support him through the next 9 months. Then start making plans to move back to your family.

Write everything down, just in case.

Very very best of luck.

I ended the conversation saying that I didn’t feel listened to, and it was just attacks on me so there was no reason to keep going.

This controlling superior portrayal of me has really stuck fast. Everyone must think that. Including sadly DH. I don’t see any way out of it. I’ll be going to my mums with just DS while DH and DD go to the party. It’ll be tough, I know that by breaking up DH will fall back even more on SIL for support and his family will be vindicated, they’ll get to say they were right all along.

He didn’t react when I told him that I wanted to break up. He just repeated that I was very restrictive to say he couldn’t bring DD and then said that these conversations were just spiralling downward. But I meant it, I want to leave.

Oh I’m so sorry. Please think hard and fast before allowing him to take your dd. .

He is rewriting history. My dad used to do that to gaslight my mum and later us children as adults. I suspect this will only get worse.

Your husband is controlling, manipulative and a bully. It sounds like he doesnt care about your family unit only himself and your dd.

I think his family are vindicated either way unfortunately. You cannot do right at all in their eyes.

He's telling you something very important here. He doesn't care about you. Or your DS.

Please get yourself out of this.

There's literally no point talking to him. He will not acknowledge you and whatever you say will just be met with ridiculous gaslighting. I did this ping pong stupid pointless arguing for years. I left when I realised he was never going to acknowledge anything I said about my feelings and I stopped trying to persuade or convince him. I think you're making brilliant progress. When you give up talking to him you'll be ready to go.