I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

I think you marriage is over.

Your DH shouldn't even be going if you're not invited, let alone taking your daughter!

He hasn't got your back, he lets your family bully you, and he left you for not reason, probably said things that aren't true based on the way they ramped up their mistreatment of you, and didn't have the balls to admit it was all him and that he wasn't honest with any of them.

Honestly, what's in this marriage for you? It sounds miserable.

Following with interest

It’s scary being honest to my family. I think that they all wished me well when I moved here and my mum still sends cards to all my ILs, remembers all their birthdays. Part of me can’t really believe I’m in this situation.

I used to tell everyone how nice ILs and DH were, and they all still have good qualities. If you’d have told me I’d be excluded from an event a few years ago I would never have believed it.

I had a serious chat with DH a month ago about this and I genuinely thought he’d understood when he said they were bullying. I was ready to go then but since then DH has not taken DD off to ILs. Until now, I was foolish to believe he’d genuinely grasped this.

I have an overwhelming urge to run back to my home town. Weighed up with the guilt and responsibility of schooling and moves. The more people I talk to the clearer I will be. The more I will act.

Please talk to your family. You may be surprised at what support they will offer. If your DD is emotionally better without seeing them then you really need to ensure it doesn't slip back into her being with them every weekend. Your DS will probably be better off too when he's not treated so differently to his sister so close to home.

Run op as a pp said everything else will sort itself out.

Friend of mine left the UK a few years ago with her dc and a van with all their belongings in.

Only a vague idea of where she was going. No job, no language skills, no home, no schools.
Within 10 days she had driven across 2 countries found a house and school for DC, and even a job.

Making that first step is the hardest thing to do but once you are on the right track everything else just seems to fall into place.

Good luck op. Personally I wouldn't go back

what do I do about the controlling label? Everything I say is just seen through that lens

This question wasn’t answered in the posts really. Unfortunately you can’t do anything about it. “They” have decided this is who you are. It’s what narcissists and manipulators say to try to control you. Then if you still do not comply, they come up with ways to isolate you and remove you from your safety net.

I have read all of the posts on the thread. I’m no 100% convinced that your dh is making a play to take your child away. I think his family is and he’s in a power struggle. Idk who will win or lose.

Why do I say this? If he were set on casting you as an unfit mother, why would he have agreed to stop taking your dd to his sisters every weekend? I don’t doubt if you left he would be subsumed by his family and you’d have a hell of a fight for your dd and money / house etc led by them. I’m not saying that you should stay with him even if he isn’t trying to play the long game and get sole custody for even if he isn’t, life with him sounds horrible.

So about the party? Can you talk without it descending into a shouting match? Can you keep calm, when he calls you controlling? Can he stay calm when you disagree? If you can’t, maybe say your piece in writing. Something simple along the lines of “We are a family. We come as a family unit. You are aware ds has been very hurt to be excluded by your relations, who he came to care about a great deal. As did I. I understand you feel beholden to your sister for having you stay and appreciate that you want to see NZ sister. I won’t ask you not to go as I am not a controlling person. I’d just rather you didn’t. However, I am not ok with you taking dd as it is sending her the wrong message. He big brother is important, her mummy is important and we are not fine with your relations cherry picking certain of our family members whilst rejecting others. I will be taking dd and ds? away that weekend. You are welcome to join us. I love you and am very proud of you.”

Idk if you can find your family again or not. What I would say is that you need to extricate yourselves from these people either together or separately.

Agree with everything @mummyoflittledragon said

Thanks @mummy @oliver @ohmy
I do keep calm, I used to get upset, now I feel I’ve toughened up a bit. When he calls me controlling I say more or less what I’ve said here. That I think it’s bad for DD ultimately to grow up surrounded by family who dislike and exclude her mother. I’ve messaged this too. He can’t seem to read it, he reacted to my response by saying that it was abhorrent and that I was saying that I’m superior to his family. I’ve tried saying that’s not true. Then he says okay but I’m not sure whether he’s just appeasing me, or whether he just thinks, controlling person I’ll just back off now.

I find DH incredibly hard to talk to and super defensive.

I’m going to write what you’ve said @mummy to see if that gets a better response. It’s well balanced but clear, thank you!

Well it’s just easier to blame you though isn’t it? By the sound of it he thinks his sisters / family is controlling. But is too scared of them to actually do anything about it. He’s definitely missing a back bone when it comes to his family. I get it. I allowed my brother to threaten to punch me, deck me, push me over and be violent for years before I finally went nc. With his sisters it’s just words (rather like it is with my mother) and that makes it even harder.

Does he want help to extricate him from his family? Have you ever asked him?

Cross post. Great. Idk if anyone can put it better. Good luck. 😊

Although just reading what you’ve said about the family unit I think that’s a real sticking point for DH. I don’t think he sees us as a unit. Partly because he’s been ‘flaky’ about me and also not really bonded with DS. They get on fine but DH lacks warmth with his step son and is awkward around him. He’s awkward with people in general but has a bit of an adoring team of women / family and colleagues!

That would be a great note to leave him.

But please talk to your family who love you and will support you.

Unlike him.

To answer your question about how your 4 year old will feel: she won't think anything unless you make a big deal out of it.

I specifically used family unit for your family and talked about his family as relations. Have a think about it. I get that it’s incredibly hard to say something like this, when you see your ds being rejected. However, bottom line, you should be a family unit. Idk perhaps, the more you talk about how you would like it to be, the more you will have a resolve to make a reality of it happening together or you will split.

Your dh can’t be less of an awkward person, however, and that also needs to be factored in. As of course do the needs of your ds. Women possibly adore him because he’s a bit gauche?

He's sounding more and more familiar to me OP. People think he's such a lovely guy but he behaves like a cunt to you. He is damaging your reputation all the time in order to polish his own halo. This is a real thing. He hates you. He dismisses literally everything you say and has complete disrespect for you and he is training your daughter to do the same. You need to start to face your own truth and get yourself and your children away from him.

I never say this as I think that outside of DV and other abuse most things can be worked out.

But I'd leave.

If he's not willing to make his family accept that you are also his family, if he's not willing to accept your son as such, and if he's not willing to show your daughter that mummy is important then he wouldn't be the person I'd want influencing my children.

If it was just the two of you then maybe.
But you're a family unit and should be treated as such. No matter how close he is to your ILs.

What message will that give your kids as they grow up.

Call your mum. Explain Everything. Go from there xx

He’s planning and plotting.
He will take your DD away from you.
Move home.

It sounds like your DH is the one who is controlling and it’s not hard to see where he learnt that behaviour! Tell your SIL she cannot see your DD when she is treating you so badly as you do not want that attitude towards you getting passed on to your daughter! There is a word for that - parental alienation. And I would consider moving near your own family as you need support. And a bit more self esteem I think, these people are mean bullies

I've read all the op's posts and some of the others, been away to attend to DC and I can't get your situation out of my mind.

These are my thoughts

1. DH's family unit is him, you, DSS and DD. When he married you he did so knowing he would become a stepfather. The rest of his clan are now his extended family.

1. Who TF leaves their spouse because they are angry because said spouse asked them not to feed DD an item which was bad for her.

1. What sort of DH lets his extended family bully and ostracise his DW and DSS.

1. He (or SIL by proxy) is being the contolling one.

1. I'm not sure whether you've said how old your DS is as this would make a difference as to how easy it is for him to change schools but you seriously need to weigh up the damage caused by living in such a toxic environment against moving him, possibly resulting in him having to resit a year.

1. Your gut says run back home. Gut feelings are always worthy of a second look. Can you go back to where your family is? If so, then line up your ducks and go, seek help from Women's Aid, if necessary and mention your concerns about DD and contact with DH's extended family.

Good Luck. YADNBU to remove the 3 of you away from the party.

I do feel a kind of betrayal, once when he left without warning and left me literally holding the baby, and again now his family have decided I’m the bad guy and DH let’s it happen without sticking up for us.

I have an awful feeling that he doesn’t mind his ILs and possibly adoring women feel that I’m controlling, so that he looks like a good guy. He’s very well thought of, he’s just been promoted to quite a high level and is the successful golden boy of the family.

It’s like saying me and DS are not important. Yet we should be core. Even if he’s awkward around DS that’s okay but he needs to show he values his place in the unit. Outwardly. I’m beginning to feel like a guilty secret.

I think I will call women’s aid. It seemed like such a drastic thing to do, but I do feel trapped and it can’t harm to talk things through.

Please do call them op. Sometimes talking to an actual human rather than just an anonymous reply on a screen can be a huge help.

💐💐for you

You are being gaslighted.

You indicate concern you’re not invited to an event and suddenly you’re “controlling”.

Ffs. He stayed with his sister for 3 months, it’s not like she gave him her kidney.

If your husband wanted you there, you would be there. It’s not some grand event. It’s a family birthday. He could just say you’re going, and not even concern you with the animosity towards you, but he is the cause of the animosity.

You need to get out.

You need to move back with your family. You need to be smart about this. Your husband is trash.

It will be a difficult call to make but they will listen and give you the help you need.

Your son will understand, I bet he has stronger opinions on this than you know.

Talk to your family as well. Get as much support as you can, so far it has been you against this tribe of intimidating people, who have all reinforced your husbands behaviour - when they should have been challenging it.

In the meantime you have a community of support here - use it,