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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

405 replies

Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 12:28

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/09/2018 14:16

I was going to try to type something fair and reasonable, but honestly every instinct I have is screaming that you need to leave as quickly as possible.
He has no long term plans with you and he has no interest in being fair to you. If you stay he will screw you over and his family will help him.

Get away, sort out a new life for yourself and your kids and lawyer up. Is there someone who could put you up while you sort out a place to live and new job?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/09/2018 14:17

Just read your updates. I hardly ever say this but you need to get out or at least start making plans. Could your son go back to the same school as before so it wouldn't be such of a big move? Do you have family that can help? He isn't interested in making it work with you. You need to just look out for yourself now. Sorry OP. There is lots of good advice on here. Please start planning now so you can be one step ahead. I think when you start accepting it's over and sorting stuff out to escape you will start to feel a lot better about everything.

I wouldn't give him a last chance / ultimatum to move or anything or it will just alert him

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/09/2018 14:22

Going back a bit, but you said he left because he got angry when you said not to feed your DD something that upset her stomach. How has she been when she returns from weekends with them? I'd be concerned your DH putting his SIL and his wishes above the health of your DD.

Bluebolt · 17/09/2018 14:25

I have a feeling that he is telling his family that he is not allowed to parent with you there. Probably why he likes to spend the weekends with them. I see no way this relationship ends well. Personally I would have ended it with the treatment of DS, took away from family members to be ignored and undermined by his.

RomanyRoots · 17/09/2018 14:25

I couldn't be with a man like this OP, he isn't on your side at all, certainly against you.
Why do you put up with it, you and your dd deserve so much better.
LTB

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 14:27

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately my son has been here all of secondary school so it’s too late for him to return to his old school.

@ohlook I am concerned about DDs health while she is there. I do think they love her but they take no notice of me and I’m her main carer, I know exactly what she needs etc just because I’ve had to. I’ve had the odd safety concern but again apparently I’m an over anxious worrier / controlling person. That does worry me. She’s been very stable the last month that she hasn’t been over to ILs, emotionally too but I know DH would just never get that.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 17/09/2018 14:31

Wow Tortoise, First of all sending you Flowers

I don't think the relationship is doing you any good, it sounds like you are looking for out so I think there should be a few things you should start to do with an eye to the future:

Pros and Cons list for staying local, at lease for the next 9 months whilst DS completes his exams (I'm assuming he's yr 11 here)
Have a look for work, you will need and massively benefit from some financial independence and a new outlet for you.
If you possibly can I would not let DD go to the party, is it a late one where you can use bed time and nursery exhaustion as an excuse?
Have a look at how much you will need to find a flat to support you all if you go.

There are loads of great people on here who know who you need to speak to and where else to go to get proper support.

I think DP is gaslighting you, you are getting more and more afraid to say anything to assert yourself. Don't let him stop you.

RomanyRoots · 17/09/2018 14:31

OP if you don't leave for yourself, please do it for your children. Get as far away as you can.
They will remember their mum making a stand for them, or not and your future relationship with your dc depends on what you do now.

Jux · 17/09/2018 14:44

Please leave, asap, but do get your ducks in a row as they say.

Get copies of all financial documents, bank statements, P60s/P45s - anything to prove his income - birth certs, passports etc.

Check out what you'd be entitled to in terms of benefits.
Talk to your parents or other relatives, about staying with them while you get yourself sorted.

Have a chat with Women's Aid who can give you support and advice, and can help you form a good exit plan.

Keep a log of everything; some people use MN as a place for both keeping a log and for garnering support and getting advice.

Your poor son! What a shit time he's having.

thetemptationofchocolate · 17/09/2018 14:45

Controlling behaviour is isolating you from family and friends, constant criticism, over reacting, threatening (eg to leave), trying to make someone feel like they are in your debt or make them feel guilty. Does any of this sound familiar to you??? It sounds like he is acting in the very way he is accusing you of.

Yes to this. There's a name for it - psychological projection. Look it up and see if it doesn't shed a very interesting light on your relationship with your husband.

ittakes2 · 17/09/2018 14:48

I think the issue is your hubby going without you. My hubby would not go if his family invited him to something but not me.

Shadow1234 · 17/09/2018 14:49

My husband would definitely not go if i wasnt invited. That will
Just cause more family problems in the long run - and as you say,
you are now questioning your relationship with your DH.

I do not get on with some of my family members, but when we
are invited to family celebrations, we just talk to the people
we want to, and dont let it bother us. I think it is
nasty of them to exclude you, unless they have a valid reason
(which doesnt seem to be the case here).

LIVVI1234 · 17/09/2018 14:51

I'm sorry but I would be livid at this and honestly, I would be petty and take my child out for the day before he had the chance to leave with her. Then I would seriously reconsider my relationship with him.

wotsit99 · 17/09/2018 14:55

What Bluebolt said

Starlighter · 17/09/2018 15:00

Your DH and his family and nasty bullies and you don’t have to put up with it!

DH needs to stick up for you and stand by you or he can fuck off! Your poor ds too. What the hell has he done wrong in all of this?

If DH does go (I’d be raging!) then you should take your dd and ds on a lovely day out. Then start planning your escape.

You deserve more than this Flowers

timeisnotaline · 17/09/2018 15:03

I remember you op. The advice was to take your dd and get out as soon as you can. Once your dd is in school locally it will be much harder. Your sil is toxic and your dh is not much better. He is controlling angry and manipulative and he does not have your back. If you don’t leave you will be on the outside with no access to your dd.

MsPavlichenko · 17/09/2018 15:04

Call WA asap. Moving your DS out of that toxic situation will far outweigh the problems around changing schools. He must be utterly miserable as things stand.

You are being abused, as is your DS and your DD is being exposed to this begaviour at best. At worst she is also being abused if they are ignoring what you tell them about her dietary needs etc.

The sooner you are away the better.

Snowymountainsalways · 17/09/2018 15:07

Flowers Good luck with the move

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 15:17

I’m going to take DD to my mothers on the party weekend. DH and SIL will probably have a field day about how controlling I am. I’m going to try again for work, even though i only have a few hours a week, maybe I can work from home.

I think I need to open up to my family, I’ve not really told them what’s going on. I feel better thinking I could get an exit plan even if it means renting or whatever until DS finishes school.

OP posts:
Snowymountainsalways · 17/09/2018 15:25

Yes very gd idea to open up to your family and have all your plans in place. Getting a job and getting support in RL will help no end. Ignore dh and SIL you know the truth. Save this thread somewhere and come back to it if you ever doubt yourself or wobble again.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/09/2018 15:29

But if you wait till ds finishes school your DD will have started and then you will be stuffed. Go now. Couldn't ds return to his old school where he had friends before you moved.

You need to go now. You are playing a dangerous game. You could end up losing your DD.

You have to be the parent.

The way things are going your ds and DD will be very divided as they grow up. The current situation is toxic for both of them

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 17/09/2018 15:30

You aren't controlling, your dh is a manipulative bully that uses that brush to blackmail you into doing what he wants. His family are taking their lead from him.

Of course he wont have it out with them. He's blatantly slagged you off, vilified your name to them and blamed it all on you. You were probably tarred as controlling, maybe even a cheat. He would not have defended you, his actions show that.

It is good you aren't going to dance to their tune. Next time your dh tells you you are controlling tell him he is a lying bully, you aren't controlling, he's a bad husband.

Definitely talk to your family and be very honest. You will probably be surprised how many people see him for who he is too.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 17/09/2018 15:42

definitely tell your mum. I know its hard as it really makes the whole situation very real and I am sure your mother will be horrified

wiilowmelangell · 17/09/2018 15:43

When you are with your Mother, tell her everything. Make an exit plan.

YippeeKiYayMotherNature · 17/09/2018 15:44

Just go back to your mums and stay there, the rest will sort itself out, long term I be there your son will be happier to be out of it all and seeing you happy again will be good for him.