Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

405 replies

Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 12:28

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 19/09/2018 20:30

He honestly doesn’t seem to value our family as a unit. It is very much DH, DD, his family. I honestly thought he’d understood last month.

You are right I need to also insist that I take DD and DS and not split them up over this bloody birthday event. The thought of them all with DD makes me feel so uneasy. I think because it seems that’s all they want, not me and DS at all we are disposable and outsiders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 19/09/2018 20:31

Thank you.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2018 20:44

He really is gaslighting you now twisting everything you say and denying previous conversations Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2018 20:45

Tortoise
I am sorry that he hasn’t responded better. I initially thought there may be hope. At least you have honestly given it your best shot. You can now hold your head high despite what they may think.

WhateverHappened
My mother, brother and my brothers wife have rewritten history. It’s incredibly upsetting. I am only in contact with my mother.

BusyMum47 · 19/09/2018 20:53

You haven't done anything wrong & he hasn't got your back at all in the face of such childish spitefulness...spineless, selfish & twat are the words that immediately spring to mind! X

Morethanthisprovincallife · 19/09/2018 21:59

Very hurtful op.

Agree with bastard. When you stop wanting to argue you will be ready to go.

7yo7yo · 19/09/2018 23:12

Be careful op.
He could take DD and not return her.
Get your ducks in a row.
Move back but don’t tell him till you’ve gone and take anything important or if sentimental value.
And please please get Real life support.

AbbieLexie · 19/09/2018 23:18

@7yo7yo sums it up succinctly. Please take the kids and run as fast as you can.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 23:22

What bastards. How can fuckers like that justify their toxic cruelty to themselves? Angry

Your DH has seriously let you down. You deserve loyalty.

murraythedog · 20/09/2018 01:02

You're just going around in circles with this man. It's not going to get you anywhere wasting your time on him or this situation.

Just take your children and leave. Stay with your mum (or other family member) until you can get things sorted out permanently.

Don't let him take DD to the party, as that will just validate that it's okay for him to treat you and DS badly. Send him off to the party on his own and move out to your mum's during that time.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/09/2018 01:49

I think there is too much talking and if you go to your mum's without your DD then you are risking him deciding to stay at sils with your DD.

I posted on your previous thread that I didn't think you would leave but would be coming back and posting about how you have lost your DD.

I stand by every word.

If someone is calling you controlling. Then wear that badge with honour and start controlling the situation. Get yourself, your ds and DD out of that situation. Now.

Livingoncake · 20/09/2018 03:00

Sorry love, but he’s an arsehole and this marriage is not worth saving. Talk to WA and lawyer up immediately.

TeddybearBaby · 20/09/2018 07:50

I think make a decision and stick to it and don’t discuss it any more. He is being so unreasonable I couldn’t even be in the same room as him and the treatment of your son would make my blood boil.

How far away is your mum? I would take kids Friday after school to your mums for the weekend. Tell him once more in no uncertain terms so you’re clear that she’s definitely not going for the reasons already stated and that you’re relationship is now done (because he’s made his priorities abundantly clear).

I think the problem is he doesn’t believe you atm. So don’t start questioning your judgment now. Stick to what you know is right. 😘

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 20/09/2018 07:59

You are far too passive OP. Your OH doesn’t care despite you raising concerns about how your treated. And not just you the deliberate exclusion of your DS. It makes sad reading. I can’t believe that your simply accepting that he is taking your DD to this party. I don’t understand why your not speaking to your own family about your current posiiton. This isn’t a healthy relationship and I worry for your DS never mind your DD. As if you allow this to continue don’t be surprised if she doesn’t start treating you with absolute disregard also. Call woman’s aid for advice and speak to your own family.

KnotsInMay · 20/09/2018 08:31

He needs to understand that his family are not actually supporting him. If they were supporting him they would be supporting him to rebuild his marriage now he has returned.
I would point out to him that in terms of controlling behaviour, telling him which members of HIS family he can bring to a family event is extremely controlling!

However. A man who up and left, caused you to leave work, abandoned you during the loss of your father (so sorry about that), saw other women while you were left with such child, and gaslights you over ‘control ‘?

Not sure how far I would go to repair things, to be honest Sad

AlphaBravo · 20/09/2018 08:36

Have you asked them directly? I have a feeling DH has told them you're not back together. They all probably think you're still separated.

Lalliella · 20/09/2018 08:43

none of them said anything when my father died.

OP this really stood out for me as absolute cruelty on the part of your ILs. You do need to get yourself, DS and DD out of this situation. I would go back home if I were you. You’ve got a support network there, and DS would soon settle into a new school and make new friendships. And you’re entitled to half the house, which should help set you up somewhere new. Good luck Flowers

subspace · 20/09/2018 09:19

what do I do about the controlling label? Everything I say is just seen through that lens

What you do is to cease to acknowledge he has even called you it and don't let it derail the conversation. You know it's not true and what the real reason is for him calling you it. Who gives a damn if he or his precious family think that? You know that you've been a loyal, patient, loving partner and mum. What they think of you is none of your concern any more.

He's shown you some cracking control tactics and behaviour. Time to make use of them to make the situation better for you and your kids.

TownHall · 20/09/2018 10:05

What an awful situation but at least it's one that seems clear cut - you need to leave him ASAP

good luck

cutitout · 20/09/2018 10:51

No no and no. She is your child too and you have a right to make a decision as to who she can see. It's not your husband's sole decision. If you don't want her to go then he has to agree to it. His family is the one excluding you up until now, so if you want to keep your daughter from going then you are the one being restrictive and controlling? Double standards much! You would have been restrictive and controlling if you were stopping your husbands from meeting his family but you are not doing that. He is an adult and he is free to go as he has demonstrated earlier but your child is someone for who the decision should be mutual. Seems like he wants your daughter to get used to his family so that when he leaves you they can look after her an he can have full custody. Talk to your mum and move in with her if you can. Don't stay with him or leave your daughter with him. Also try to improve your bond with your daughter so that she doesn't want to go with them if time ever comes.

Sunkist12 · 20/09/2018 10:56

I really don't know why you're putting up with this shit ,OP. Surely you see how toxic this relationship is? All relationships have there faults,yes. But ultimately you're a team, a family unit. I don't always agree with everything DP says, but we've got eat others back and our family is the most important thing to us. Not only do you need to LTB, you need to get some self confidence back, which I'm sure this man has stripped from you.

Ixnayonthehombre · 20/09/2018 11:08

Well without a shadow of a doubt he's lying to someone. Wouldn't it be easier to phone SIL and ask for her side of the story?

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/09/2018 11:12

Unfortunately I don’t think the op will leave unless forced to and then without her dd.

She was advised to go months ago. If she had listened to the advice to run before her dd went to school in September she wouldn’t now be posting and wringing her hands over what her inaction has brought on herself and both her dc.

I hope I am wrong but I don’t think the op will do anything until she loses her dd.

MauraIsles · 20/09/2018 11:17

Your Husband is a dick, he’s completely brushed over the fact his ‘family’ (who sound like a bunch of arseholes too ) are actively excluding you, like his family he’s acting like a petulant bully, there’s no thought for your feelings whatsoever OP Flowers it sounds like you and your DC’s would be much happier away from all of this, their behaviour towards you is disgusting, I just can’t believe your idiot Husband is not sticking up for you and is happy to ignore the fact that his family are treating you like shit - you deserve so much better OP!

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2018 11:25

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come

What words?

Op, reading this cold. This isn't your in laws, this is your husband. He is telling them things about you. Bad things, that he is only there for the child, that you'd take the child if he wasn't, that you control him, that you think you're superior to them, that he doesn't wish to be with you but is trapped because he wants to do well for his child.

This is them reacting to all the things he is telling them. When he goes there alone with your daughter. The problem here is your husband. All day every day. The inlaws are just a symptom of that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread