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Original poster

Part time parenting - is it better?

157 replies

1000names · 17/09/2018 07:22

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 17/09/2018 07:26

I think everyone parents differently, and you have to consider what is best for you and your family.

There isn't one right answer, or one best way to parent.

Finfintytint · 17/09/2018 07:30

You've got a great memory if you remember weaning and potty training.

SD1978 · 17/09/2018 07:32

It's not about guilt, and you do sound goady. But necessity. Whether that's because they have a career where it's required, or a quality of life it's necessary for. Nobody skips off happy to be missing out with their child- they just do it.

Oysterbabe · 17/09/2018 07:34

You need to find the balance that works for you and that will vary hugely from family to family. I work 3 long days and my 2 are at nursery 9-6 on those days. I feel strongly that I need to work and that I am a better parent for it. I went back at 10 months after my first and I'm going back after 12 months this time, which is January. I have kept my older child in nursery 2 days a week while on maternity and this has helped a lot. It means she hasn't got out of the routine of going and the baby gets some 1 on 1 time.

birdinatree · 17/09/2018 07:37

I imagine many parents have no choice but to put their children in childcare in order to earn enough money to live - and although they may not show any guilt it's there every day as you feel you can neither parent or do your work to your fullest ability so can feel a failure on both counts. However, when there's no choice you just have to crack on and make the best of it.
I work nearly full time (4.5 days) and I still potty trained my son etc etc.
I think as PPs say, it's what works for you. A parent who looks after their own mental health will be a better parent and if that means working full or part time then that is what's best for the family.

Namelessinseattle · 17/09/2018 07:37

Reading this book called the carpenter and the Gardner (I think) about parenting, and the first thing she says is parent as a verb is a recent phenomenon. You are a parent, rather than you parent. So the overwhelming part of being a parent is love. So no such thing as a part time parent.

I also think within reason happy mother happy child. IF you are happy and fulfilled in work and this filters through to you being a happier more relaxed person in the rest of your life do it. Nothing worse than giving up work when you don’t want to and then holding your kids accountable for that decision all in the name of parenting

Cblockbitch · 17/09/2018 07:38

You dont part-time parent if you work Hmm what a dickish thing to say about parents who work.

You do what you have to do to survive wether that be financially or emotionally.

I personally haven't sent either of my DC to childcare we work around them .
Do you feel harmed having been cared for by a childminder? If so they didnt do their job properly and that's separate to the parenting decision your mum made.

What a goady thread.

Ragwort · 17/09/2018 07:39

Personally I don't think I'd be worried about whether or not I retuned to work but why I would consider having a child with a man who did so little with his own child. My DH did everything for our DS (apart from breast feeding) from the day he was born. As it happens, we chose not to have another child, for various reasons, but no, I wouldn't have another one in your situation.

If you are really undecided why don't you return to work and defer the decision about a second child for a year or two?

MadameJosephine · 17/09/2018 07:42

Going to work does not equal ‘part Time parenting’!!

As for having another baby with a DH who did not support you the first time round? Erm no thanks

calpop · 17/09/2018 07:44

Yeah I agree. I think you can be a good parent, a shit parent, or somewhere in between. Obviously bthere are absent parents. But there's no such thing as a part time parent.

Im not part time when in at work and spend my lunchtimes rushing round to get them emergency gum shields from sports direct, photocopy their essays, go online to remember how to do algebra so I can help them with their homework in the evening, run from the train to the car so I can pick them up on time etc etc etc. The baby/toddler years go very fast and there's a lot more to parenting than that. Dont give up work is my advice. Teenagers need good work ethic examples, trust me.

lrh3891 · 17/09/2018 07:50

Sooooo I'm only a parent part-time because I go out to work and my 2 year old goes to nursery (which they love by the way)? Thanks for that.

Oh, and I know you say you're not being goady but you are astonishingly insensitive.

Don't have another child with a man who finds challenges so overwhelming that he "withdraws" and leaves you to do it on your own.

Oh, and don't ever fucking use the phrase "part time parent" again.

HTH

JustBecauseYouAreUniqueDoesNot · 17/09/2018 07:50

"The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting"

How do you know this?

There is more to parenting than just weaning and potty training and I'm sure you still ate and went to the toilet at home Hmm

Personally I think I am a better mother since I returned to work but of course I wonder if more time at home would be better and feel guilty.

I am sure this is untrue and it comes across to me as the real point of your post:

"who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week"

sexnotgender · 17/09/2018 07:52

Id not be remotely interested in having a second child with someone who treated me so badly first time round.
Why did he get to opt out of parenting your first? Frankly he sounds ridiculous.

AlexaShutUp · 17/09/2018 07:52

I think you are trying to be goady.

As a pp has said, there is no such thing as part-time parenting. A parent who is working to put food on the table and a roof over her children's head is "parenting" every bit as much as a parent who is at home weaning and potty training.

You have a very narrow-minded view of what parenting entails. You also seem to be making the erroneous assumption that it's impossible to meet the needs of both parent and child, and that it therefore has to be a game of "top trumps".

ADastardlyThing · 17/09/2018 07:52

Part time parent? Hmm

Catscakeandchocolate · 17/09/2018 07:57

I work. I am not, nor will I ever be, a part time parent. I am a full time parent who is employed outside the home. I am a far better mother since returning to work as I can give quality focussed time I personally struggled to give on maternity leave. Go back when you want to go back to work but that does make you less of a parent.

Jenijena · 17/09/2018 07:57

You’re getting a lot of flack for the part time parenting phrase, but I know what you’re trying to say. And yes, working more hours makes me a better parent in the hours I hands on with them. However I do think that you needn’t to reconsider and set some ground rules with your DH before thinking of a second, because withdrawing from ‘parenting’ whatever that is, sounds like it has really disturbed the balance of your relationship. And you can’t go through that again.

espoleta · 17/09/2018 07:59

Surely the issue is that you've chosen a partner who barely parents during the tough time is the issue? And you've enabled him to be that guy?

I feel that from you post you see that working is the way round that situation, why not deal with your actual issue of your choose partner?

Sleephead1 · 17/09/2018 08:01

I don't find your post goady at all I've only one little boy I was a sahm till he was 3 and a half then I went back very part time hours I only do 2 part days. My little boy just started school I loved being at home with him and enjoyed it all but I know loads of people who didn't enjoy it and wanted to go back to work i also know people who said I was so lucky to be able to stay off but we did make sacrifices to be able to do that.Obviously that isn't for everyone. It's a personal decision on what works best for your family and your child and everyone will feel differently about it. I would take some time to think about what's best for your family and your child for some children they would struggle I full time childcare I don't think that's saying anything awful it's just some children will struggle with that I know mine would have and if you think your little one would struggle I would try and avoid that

MessyBun247 · 17/09/2018 08:02

Why not just stick at one child?

zippey · 17/09/2018 08:03

You mean a parent who works part or full time, rather than a part time parent.

Firstly I’d have second thoughts about making a second baby with your husband who couldn’t cope with one child. Two isn’t going to be better with him, and your mental health is at risk.

Its ok to work and care for the baby. Most people do it. As long as your children are well catered for.

Original poster
1000names · 17/09/2018 08:04

Thanks to everyone for posting.

To be absolutely clear part time parenting is how I would feel about it. It’s a judgement on myself. No one else. No one else’s experience or choices. I’m not saying it to be goady. I’m not judging others who work full time or don’t work at all. I appreciate I am lucky to have the choice to work FT / PT and be financially secure (not well off, that’s different).

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 17/09/2018 08:05

Surely the issue is that you've chosen a partner who barely parents during the tough time is the issue? And you've enabled him to be that guy?

I agree with this. Your issue is with DH. All the other stuff - work, nursery, grandparents, part-time/full-time - is a matter for each family to resolve according to their own circumstances.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2018 08:07

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

Do you really think anyone's going to come along and say 'oh I think I'm more important than my children, that's why I work?'.

I was also with a childminder full time from infancy. I have some fond memories of the childminder (though not potty training or weaning - who remembers those, no matter who did them?!), but I'm in no doubt who parented me - it was my parents (though no one ever seems to suggest that my dad failed as a parent because he worked full-time, that seems to be all on my mum apparently...), who I'm very close to.

AlexaShutUp · 17/09/2018 08:08

What you need to realise, OP, is that many people have no choice either way. Many women have to work in paid employment in order to put food on the table. Many women have to stay at home with their kids because their earning potential is less than the cost of childcare.

Amongst those who do have a choice, it's absolutely wrong to characterise that choice as SAHM being for the benefit of the child and WOHM being for the benefit of the mother. It's so much more complicated than that.