Part time parenting - is it better?

[1000names]

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

Lethal no it’s not dickish to say that if you are working part time you are only a part time parent IF you also consider that all fathers, who are working full time, are actually what? Not a parent at all?
Or NRP are actually, we’ll surely not parents at all as they spend so little time wth their child.

And that childminders are actually ... parents of the many children they are minding.

Sounds totally logical to me.

Come on. Yes it is a dickish thing to say.
You’re not less of a parent or a mother if you don’t spend 100% of your time with your child.
You know very well there is much more to been a parent than the number of hours you spend with them.

Although I feel she couldn’t cope with the baby stage (which she has since told me voluntarily) hence the childminder weekdays and weekends in the pub she is a good person and we have a good relationship now

You act like the two things - weekdays with childminder and weekends in the pub - are the same, but they're not. That's not how most working parents parent when they're not at work. And if she was not coping to the extent that she didn't ever want to be alone with you/concentrate on you, then she really wouldn't have magically been a better parent if she didn't work.

Sometimes on here you do see women saying they wish their mother had been a SAHM. But what they usually actually mean is that they wish she'd been a different person, not that she'd been the same but present for more hours.

OP, I agree there is nothing wrong with the term 'part time parenting' but lots of people can be sensitive to how working parents are described.

I'm one of those parents who send DC to nursery 8-6, and both DH and I work full time. We do need to do this for financial reasons. However even if we didn't there is no way on earth I could cope mentally with being a SAHM/'full time parenting'. I went back to work FT after 6 months for both financial reasons and my own sanity. We just make sure we make the most out of evenings, weekends, holidays etc!

That's not what you said 1000names. You said "those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week."

That comes across as extremely judgemental of "those mums" and you are making an assumption ("seem to") about them, too.

My advice to you, don't let other people make you feel guilty if you want to go back to work. God knows enough people will try. I went back full time and my child is very happy and has a great bond with me. I feel I give her more quality time when I see her than before I went back- being a sahm just wouldn't suit me. But don't think it will be a panacea either. You'll still worry and feel guilty, and it will be particularly hard on you if your husband isn't supportive (mine stayed at home then went part time which made my return very easy and in turn I supported him by covering the first few weeks of nursery runs completely when he went back).

I was in full time childcare from 6 weeks old. I’m close with my parents and couldn’t now tell you my childminder’s name.

You don't sound like you want another child... if this is the case, don't have one.

The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting.

And do you remember any of that? Do you consider your H a less of a parent now, when he ‘checked out’ during the early stages? Or is it only mother’s who ‘should’ feel guilt?

I was done at one and as much as I liked the idea of another, I am pretty sure It would have been harder and less enjoyable. However, I would have reservations about having another child with a man who had form for checking out of parenting when it was convenient.

I had a full time nanny for my dcs formative years so she got one to one care and lots of support. Was I part time parenting? I was full time working so didn’t have much of a choice about that. Not everyone can afford that of course. We all do what works for us and our families.

@Lyndorcake I am not suggesting you are a part time parent. That isn’t what this thread is about.

My mother was a SAHM until I was 18 and, to be honest, I wish she'd gone back to work a lot sooner to take some of the focus off us. She's never been able to transition away from being the centre of, and totally in control of, her children's lives, because that was all she did for two decades. She still expected to be able to control what we wore and how we did our hair well into adulthood (example: she had a meltdown when my future SIL bought me a clothes voucher for my birthday, because my future SIL was apparently vindictively insulting my mother's ability to choose my clothes for me. I was in my late 20s). My sibling appears to have gone very low-contact, so now I'm not "allowed" to move away from the same town as my parents.

Obviously, I'm not suggesting that my mother is typical of SAHMs. But it's definitely simplistic to suggest that working outside the home is always a choice for the mother's benefit and being a SAHM is putting the child first. Being a SAHM was very much about my mother, her self-image and her need to be central to everything.

Hmm, I'm not sure there seems much point in having another kid if you're already thinking about how you want to send them to nursery as much as possible! I do understand your point though.

It's hard having 2 I think and where you do really need support from your DH. It's hard looking after one on your own but even harder looking after 2 alone!!

Unless you are massively broody which doesn't sound like you are, I'd stick with the one.

@namechangedforalltheusualreaso That sounds so tough. Sorry.

I can kind of see where you’re coming from. I work 3 days a week and have the rest with my DS, I find this is a good balance for me and that I get enough time away from him to enjoy him more if that makes sense. Before he was born I always thought I would want to spend every waking minute with my children but having had him I do think the time apart is good for us!
I consider myself a full time parent though! One who works 3 days a week!

Btw I work 3 full days but spread over 3.5 days so I can do slightly shorter days. My older toddler is in nursery 3.5 days and younger own 2.5 days with a day with DM. I feel that's a good balance of 'part time parenting'

@agentjohnson as odd as it sounds yes, I remember all of those things. And yes, my husband feels very guilty. he is also honest enough to admit he doesn’t know how his MH will be if we do it again, although he will try to be supportive this time.

There is nothing wrong with feeling no guilt, I work full time no guilt, it's what's best for my family, I am secure enough to not have to question myself. Why are some people so threatened by confident, self assured women? We accept it for men?

he is also honest enough to admit he doesn’t know how his MH will be if we do it again, although he will try to be supportive this time.

Yeah, don't have another child with a man who says he will 'try' to 'be supportive' - ie even in the best case scenario the baby will still be your job that he will 'support' you with. If his mental health issues are at a point where he is physically incapable of caring for his own child he needs intensive and sustained treatment. Mumsnet is full of women going through crippling postnatal depression, anxiety etc - and they look after their children, even though they find it mind-destroyingly hard. Because - unlike your DH it would seem - it isn't optional for them.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

No-one holds top trumps. You do what you and your family can do. If you and your DH can't do it between you without mental collapse, then hire some good quality help.

I would also be worried about having another child with such a partner who totally withdraws when things get stressful. Your guilt may be attached to the wrong things. Some of your guilt is to do with issues that really belong to your partner. "He will try to be supportive this time" isn't really good enough. He might not be sufficiently on top of his mental health issues to be a good father and the stress of another child might be too much for him. It would be a mistake to think that you can do it all for him or arrange it all for him.

But if you think that with full-time nursery care you can both manage, then go for it.

Let's turn this on it's head.
Woman has baby. Baby is very unwell. Mum also gets PND. Everyone rallies round to support her. Mum eventually recovers. Everyone applauds.
Man has baby. Baby is very unwell. Dad becomes very depressed. Everyone tells him to pull himself together and stop 'opting out' of parenting. Everyone boos.
www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads

And for those of you criticising the choice of words the poster used, shame on you too.

When I'm at work I'm not doing school pick up or wiping arses - i'm not physically parenting therefore I am not a full time parent. Its crazy to take offence at the phrase 'part time parent'.

I honestly can not think why you would even be considering a second child??

What you describe is during your first year is pretty bad by anyone standards. Your dh clearly is not up to the job and will find it MUCH harder with even more children, which will mean you will be left doing the grunt work with two children forever.

You can say platitudes like it won't be that bad second time around. Yes it will, and believe me it is likely to be far worse. One child is a doodle compared with two or more. Your problem isn't your first child, your work part time or otherwise. Your problem is that your dh is useless when you need him, and your support network is at best flaky.

In your position I think it is utter madness to have another child. Better to parent the child that is here now and do a great job of it.

You are already planning how you can leave the baby as quickly as possible, so why bother putting yourself through it?? It will be exhausting working and caring for a very young baby. And you will be flying solo again for sure.

Only children are perfectly happy and well adjusted. They don't need a sibling, they don't need anything, just you/dh and your time

Don't do it.

Thank you @soontobe60 it is such a difficult issue.

After the first couple of weeks of feeling stressed when I handed my DC over to the nursery, I never felt stressed or bad about working.
Part time is a great choice - you and your child get the best of both worlds. But FT is OK too.
Until I became a working mum, I thought that working women said things like "my kids love nursery" to ease their guilt, but it turns out my DC actually did love nursery.
So I would stop worrying about that - and ask could you cope with a second? That's the key question.
You might find it easier next time - I think we all have an image of perfection in our heads about life with a newborn. Now you know how tough it is, you might actually find it easier to cope next time. And it might not be so difficult again.

Is your DH getting help for his MH? Is he parenting your current DC?

Do you think he will be able to get up in the night with a new baby because seeing to an older child+baby in the day, putting child to bed then doing night feeds with a baby and getting up with older one is a whole different ball game to one baby. Doing it alone is hard but doing it with a partner there who doesn’t pull their weight is actually even harder.