Part time parenting - is it better?

[1000names]

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

haven't had a full night for 1.5 years - my youngest is just over 1, no health issues just a hard pregnancy followed by a crap sleeper. 2.5 years for me!!

When you pay someone else to look after your kids, they are standing in for you as a parent therefore I am a part time parent

When you pay someone else to look after your kids, they are standing in for you as a parent therefore I am a part time parent

No they aren't. They do not fulfil the role of 'parent'. They are standing in for you as a carer.

Personally, I am eternally grateful for having one SAHP. I was a needy and slightly damaged child, and this would have been worsened by being separated by my main carer so young. I needed the stability to help me gain security.

You have absolutely no way of knowing this. You may have been damaged by childcare, you may have flourished in it. No one ever knows what would have happened in the paths not taken.

When you pay someone else to look after your kids, they are standing in for you as a parent therefore I am a part time parent

Well, no. You might also be using the time to do another part of parenting, such as earning money to provide for them.

Also, if someone else looking after your kids is parenting if you're paying them, what about if you're not paying them? One of mine is at school today. I guess I do pay for that indirectly through taxes, but what if I didn't pay any, would that still count as parenting? The other is with my sister as she wanted a bit of quality time together just the two of them, and I'm not paying her either. I'm also not using the time to do anything that will benefit my child, as I'm MNing with a face mask on and watching shit on the telly. I guess that doesn't count as not parenting though, since I haven't paid any of the people who are looking after my DC?

KeeVee ugh it's so hideous isn't it. I hope ours lets up before we get to that point.

Almost all parents feel guilty about aspects of their parenting. Almost all are actually just doing their best in whatever circumstances they find themselves in.

Your DC2 will be a different baby and may or may not be a poor sleeper/ screamer. You might feel differently and so might your DH.

You have family support, the choice to choose your working hours and childcare and you both seem to want another child despite your worries. You can’t know yet how it will pan out in reality. That’s life.

I say when you both feel ready go for it and try not to be hard on yourself about the choices you make that work for you. If DH does experience MH problems he absolutely needs to seek help just as any other person should.

Also, your needs as an individual and as a family will vary as they grow. Many people are surprised how much more difficult working is when their dc are at school for example.

He’s asleep gullofate. And there’s no need to swear. I didn’t hear anybody offending you.

It’s interesting that the responses on this thread are either helpful / well thought out / people sharing their genuine thoughts or experiences, or, accuse me of being a crap person / parent / goady.

I think you need to reflect on what your response says about you.

Mate, i'm not the one asking AIBU, you are. 🙄

er, you're the one who started a thread in AIBU entitled "Part time parenting - is it better?" Seriously, think about it. That's offensive. And you've still had people trying to help.

Yes. I asked AIBU. Not please swear at a stranger across the internet to make yourself feel better about yourself / your day / as an outlet for your issues.

AIBU is a great place to get told home truths. Thats why I value it.

In my opinion, people who use it as a forum to be rude to others are wasting everyone’s time.

And I’m not your mate.

Part time parent would be if you hand over the child completely for say half the week and forgot about them ?
Parents of boarding school pupils are still parents.

@calpop it’s not intended to be offensive. It’s intended to be honest. Ive found it really helpful that people have felt able to share their experiences of SAHP / part time work / full time work, and their views on that. The fact that there is a spectrum of views suggests that I am not just saying something extreme to be deliberately offensive.

Yes you keep telling yourself that from up there on your high horse.

Other users might like to waste time weighing up all the pros and cons crafting a perfectly worded shit sandwich but I prefer to tell it as it is, take it or leave it.

And if you are offended by a couple of swear words then this is not the place for you.

The very term 'part time parenting' is highly offensive OP. Just because some parents choose to work, that does not make them any less of a parent. They just happen to have a full time job AND be a full time parent. You don't just suddenly stop becoming a parent when you go to work.

So yes, your post was goady and offensive.

I take advice and opinions from people when have given some consideration to them.

On that basis, I’ll leave yours.

I hope your day improves. Whatever you’re issue is, it’s clearly bigger than me. Life’s too short to be vile to anybody, let alone people you don’t know.

@greenmeerkat I have clarified that is how I would feel about myself. Not anyone else. It’s about my judgement of myself. Not what anyone else chooses or needs to do.

Bit it is offensive and the fact that you think it shows how disordered your thinking is, which is what you were trying to ascertain by posting in AIBU no? So thisnthread has served its purpose for you Yes YABU and there is no black and white answer as to whether you or anyone should work after having children. My experience and my advice is, always keep your hand in.

I was a part-time parent to both my DSs from about 11 months - yes, mainly because my first was an unbelievably high-maintenance child who screamed 25/7 and threw up 10 times a day.

I have all the admiration in the world for those who choose to spend their days with babies and very young children and don't fool myself for a second that they're not better at it than me - it's a vocation for childminders!

Besides mine are now 14 and 11 and we have an amazing relationship now that they neither scream nor throw up on me. They told me when I had a bit of a confidence crisis that whilst I might have been a part-time mum that I was 'the best part'...

@1000names but you put it in your thread title as if it's actually a 'thing'. It's not.

Thanks @quizzlybear. That’s really helpful, and kind of you to share your story.

Part time parenting is an unfortunate way of phrasing yourself. You're definitely going to do some mass-offending with that!
I think if you've had a baby, yes they come first at least while they are babies.

I work full time now my DC are a little older but I didn't work full time when they were under 3. This was my choice- I felt, seeing as I had the financial choice, that I would like to spend time with them when they were babies, even if it was hard (which it often was - especially dc1).

They are now secure and happy in ft education and I work term time only so I feel I have a reasonable balance.

There's no right answer, but if you're looking for opinions I think those that have the financial possibility should stay at home with young babies .

Yes it's another one of those AIBU posts in AIBU where the poster asks AIBU and when they are told yes YABU they cannot handle this and start to accuse the people replying to their AIBU of themselves BU

😴