Part time parenting - is it better?

[1000names]

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

You have to do what is best for your family. Speak to you husband, share your views and go with what feels right. Don't worry about what others do or don't do, they are not you.

Lethaldrizzle

You're always a parent, but you're not always parenting. That seems the right way to phrase it to me, if a bit pedantic.

@khardashianlove yes, to both. They were running about like loons earlier. DH struggles with his confidence sometimes but he works really hard at it.

You are not acknowledging the many posts that are telling you not to have a second child.

@powerwalk I haven’t responded to them but I have read all the posts. I can absolutely see that point of view. I am also taking on board the need to discuss things more openly with my husband.

I think that in fairness to your DH you should not have another child, having another could increase his MH issues & make the whole situation a lot worse. Does he even want another child or is it your wish to avoid 'only child syndrome'. There is absolutely no guarantee that siblings will get on or help each other when parents get sick/old.

Working full-time when you have a toddler to get to nursery and a baby up all night is difficult. Your husband isn't going to be the support you would need to work full-time. I needed a lot of support- so things like my husband taking his full share of drop offs/pick ups, cooking, taking it in turns to nap on weekends so I could cope.

There is nothing easy about getting everyone where they need to be, and parenting in the non-work parts of the day is just as exhausting. I don't get why you think this will be easier, because it's not the daytime bit that is the killer, its' the getting ready, getting everyone out on time, tea and bed after a full day at work and night time disturbance which causes the exhaustion and you will have all that if you work f/t esp given your husband just opts out.

Someone was talking about men getting PND- difference with most women is women with PND still hands on parent their children in the vast majority of cases! He was depressed, he stopped parenting. Most women do not have that luxury of another parent to simply take over when they can't/don't want to do it.

We had a second child with major health needs. She is three now and still has lots of extra care and will do her whole life. My partner was hands on straight away, as he was with our first. In fact, he does so much and probably more than me some days. If he didn’t I don’t think I’d consider having another child and so close apart. Our two were eighteen months apart and it was so hard, if my partner wasn’t doing his bit she wouldn’t have come home as quickly as she did etc. Given how little your partner did I don’t think he gets to suggest having another really and if you don’t feel 100% about it then don’t have one. Don’t go to work earlier as a reason to have a child, just don’t have one until you are ready. As they get older it’s fucking hard. School stuff to sort and appointments to work around etc. Neither me or my partner work as we are full time carers to our younger daughter. And it’s still hard, we have the younger one in childcare three days a week and in that time I have some me time and sort out the house. It’s a bit of a break which helps but I don’t stop parenting so I wouldn’t think of being away some of the day as part time prenting, there is always something to sort out or think about to do with the kids even when they are away. In fact I’d find working around what I already do extremely hard, even if one parent stayed home full time. Why does he want another when he clearly did t cope well with the first?

But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Given this I'm not sure having a second is in anyone interests.

You have a DH who has proven to be not supportive, family support with your last baby doesn't sound great and you didn't cope well either - adding another child sounds mad.

It's two children who then need you - and juggling just gets harder. Primary school’s years can be depending on the school be very hard.

Do you have to decide now? There are plenty of happy single successful only children around – if it wasn’t for your experiences as a teenager would you want more than one child?

Like every one else says here. Your DH is the issue. I had a difficult first birth and eldest was certainly a difficult baby in the first few months. But my DH stepped up to the mark. He struggled. We both did. But he was honest with me, got help and support and still did what was needed of him. Same when youngest was born. He was a bit less hands on with youngest as a baby, mainly because he was with eldest.

It's not about whether or not you're working, it's whether or not you have the right support.

Regardless of whether one thinks DH is unwell, a dick or somewhere in the middle, there's no way I'd have another child knowing that so little support is going to be forthcoming. You sound like it nearly broke you last time. Do you think it'll be easier with a toddler in tow as well?

I disagree with everyone saying you are goady and everyone saying you shouldn’t have a second child.

There is nothing wrong with being a parent and also working. Men have managed it for centuries. I put my DC in nursery 3 days a week from when they were under a year old and I honestly felt like it was best for all concerned. They loved nursery, they had lots of little friends and it really helped with their development. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been the best thing for them or me for them to have been with me 24/7.

I think if you do have another child though you need to talk to DH first about him stepping up a bit.

As others have said, you do what is right for you and your children. I work. I need to do this to put a roof over my family's head and food on the table. I also work because I enjoy it, and it enables us to have a holiday once a year. I do not believe my kids suffer. I'm not picking myself over my kids, and if i decided to be a SAHM, i wouldn't be putting my kids over myself. The idea that women have to martyr themselves is ridiculous. Does your husband consider himself to be putting himself first by working, or a 'part time' parent? You say you aren't being goady, but seriously, you need to consider why people parent differently and how 1) SAHP isn't always the most 'optimal' parenting method (everyone is different and this is a good thing) and 2) that working mothers don't just skip out the door each morning shouting "fuck you kids, I'm thinking about me today and I'm off to work!".

It's not part time parenting, whether you work or don't work.

Personally I work 3 days per week (2DC) and it suits us. I like going to work and they enjoy nursery, one just started reception.

Only you can decide whether to have more children, sorry you had such a hard time last time around. The sleep deprivation is a killer, I haven't had a full night for 1.5 years - my youngest is just over 1, no health issues just a hard pregnancy followed by a crap sleeper. Your DH will definitely need to do more though, as it is more demanding overall looking after a newborn when you have other DC in the mix too.

I work full-time and have done since my youngest was 6 months. Working is great. But it isn't a solution to a lack of support at home, and it is exhausting keeping a career going as well as running the household, especially if it is not shared equally. I just don't see it as a solution unless everyone is on board and stepping up.

I am planning to work part time and I do think it will help me as a parent. I've done SAHM for 6 years and I feel the last few actually we both may have benefited from me working. It will actually make no difference financially which is why I have taken so long but being around adults and having my own life again is better I think for my MH and wellbeing which in turn will make me a less stressed parent and benefit my DS.

Of course I will then have 2 different stresses but I think the variety will help

I don't think there's any right way to do it, every child is different- one may not cope, one may thrive - you need the child before you could ever really know if financially it wouldn't affect you what would be right for that child

The idea that I cease to be a parent when I walk out of the door to go to work is completely ridiculous. Providing for your DC, ensuring they have a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes on their backs, is a pretty crucial part of parenting and that is the reason I'm at work in the first place. When I have a really tough day at work and wish I could jack it all in, it's my responsibility to my DC, the fact that I'm their parent, that stops me walking out. So to be labelled as a "part time" parent because I go to work is not only offensive, it's just inaccurate.

@minister that’s not what I’m saying.

I go to work in large part to get away from DS (3). I work 3 days a week, and this morning I was SO HAPPY to hand him over to the lovely nursery staff, and let them deal with the nose picking, the ninja jumps, the super-cat-sneaks, and the lookatme! Lookatme! Watch this! etc.

Some of us are not meant to be around our children 24/7. I enjoy DS so much more when I know I will be getting regular chunks of time far away from him.

However, your DH sounds rubbish, and I'm not sure I would be rushing to have another child with someone who has already proved that he will not pull his weight?

One thing that I wonder about - you seem to feel that employment, and only employment, justifies you using childcare. You could also consider using some childcare just because you need it, because of the issues that your partner has and the extra health issues you have to deal with from your DC.

Sure, working might be good for you in itself. But you could also use childcare to give yourself some respite without feeling obliged to rush out to work every free hour.

@powerwalk I am not indifferent. That is beyond offensive.

Great post from Minister

Sorry, I haven't found your current work pattern. Is there anyway to adapt that. I switched from 3 long days to 5 short days and it worked better all round for us. Yes I was doing nursery drop off and pick up everyday but my child preferred the routine, had done something fun each day. We then had a cosy cuddle on the sofa for tv time as he was tired and I was too. Then we did something little like the park, or a swim.

Personally, I am eternally grateful for having one SAHP. I was a needy and slightly damaged child, and this would have been worsened by being separated by my main carer so young. I needed the stability to help me gain security.