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Original poster

Part time parenting - is it better?

157 replies

1000names · 17/09/2018 07:22

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

OP posts:
gulloffate · 17/09/2018 08:09

Idiot

Ragwort · 17/09/2018 08:13

I assumed the 'part time' parenting comment referred to your DH who seems to have opted out of being a parent, as others have said why on earth would you consider having another child with someone who had to 'withdraw' from family life? Hmm

Kit10 · 17/09/2018 08:15

You need to reflect on your choices and language, you will do your child no favours with self flagellation or not demanding more of your husband. I know you don't mean to but you have come across extremely goady and as if you've made superior choices, but as a working mum I can tell that I have the happier home compared to yourself with the descriptions you've given. I don't think you've made a superior choice to me, so perhaps time for some self reflection?

KlutzyDraconequus · 17/09/2018 08:15

my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift

Don't have any more with a 'man' like this. His child was unwell and he couldn't give a fuck enough to help...
Hardly father material is he?

Original poster
1000names · 17/09/2018 08:17

@kit10 I definitely don’t honk I’ve made superior choices. If anything I feel I am constantly making the wrong ones / am terrified of making the wrong ones. If my language doesn’t convey that then yep, you’re right, it needs more thought.

OP posts:
HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 08:18

A really honest answer? In some ways I did exactly that and it was the best thing I did for me and my dc.

When you are caring for a child that is unwell, you need some break. You need me time to able to recharge your batteries. As it stands out, your DH ‘retreated’ and left it all to you. The stress, the no sleep, the crying. He just wasn’t there. No wonder you are still dreaming of having a break by going to work!!

As for the ‘no mother goes to work wo feeling guilty. It’s just necessity.’ I’m sorry but saying that ALL mothers feel like this is a pile of s**t.
You can be a loving mother and still want to go back to work.
Some women wouod love to stay with their child until they start school. Others much prefer to go back to work because they find to first few years just mind numbing and boring.
Some find that been at work give the: the break they need to be ab,e to be a good parent.
After all, if fathers can go to work wo feeling guilty, wo hurting their child by leaving them, and still be very good fathers, why can’t mothers do?!?

Tbf, in your shoes, my worry wouod be about your DH and how much if a useless space (sorry) he will be this time round.
I’m amazed that yu basically seem to think your DH will just be the same until he decides he can or has to step in and do some parenting. And therefore, yu need a system in place to support you.
HE should be your first line support system!

Original poster
1000names · 17/09/2018 08:18

And of course I know I’m lucky to have the choice about work. It doesn’t make it an easy choice though...

Thank you to those who are trying to be helpful. To those who are offended, apologies, I’ve clearly not expressed myself well.

OP posts:
JustBecauseYouAreUniqueDoesNot · 17/09/2018 08:19

1000names

You could start by not assuming that other parents feel no guilt. Everyone does as far as I can tell. There are no perfect choices here and everyone has to live with the choices they make for their own family.

Atalune · 17/09/2018 08:20

Your husband is the problem here.

What a woeful partnership you seem to accept.

Original poster
1000names · 17/09/2018 08:22

Thank you @hermionegoesbackhome

I really appreciate your honesty. I think you’re right, I needed a break and going back to work was how I got it. My concern is my DHs mental health and how much help he would be able to offer if we had another. But it doesn’t stop me wanting another, and a sibling for my DC. I was an only child and when my much loved mum got cancer in my teens I felt very alone so always thought I would have more than once DC. Although I feel she couldn’t cope with the baby stage (which she has since told me voluntarily) hence the childminder weekdays and weekends in the pub she is a good person and we have a good relationship now.

OP posts:
RedSaidBread · 17/09/2018 08:23

So what are your reasons for considering having another child? Maybe it's a good idea to look into that aspect.

What is motivating you to think about adding another child? Especially considering it seems like things have only just settled down with your first?

How do you feel about being pregnant and having a toddler?

Original poster
1000names · 17/09/2018 08:23

I’m not assuming other parents feel no guilt. I’m saying I have friends who feel no guilt about working full time. I’m sure they feel guilt about other things - we’re parents. It comes with the territory!

OP posts:
curlykaren · 17/09/2018 08:23

The thing is, do you imagine your child care arrangements will cover the evening/night time? Honestly, 9 months of doing nights alone pales in comparison to single parents- my son didn't sleep through until he started school-no health condition. I did every single waking, it was fucking awful. You can't predict what will happen, you may return to work earlier but still be stuck doing night wakings because your partner has checked out.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 08:24

A bit jiss8ng form my post.

I can’t see any issue ith yu going back to work sooner or to work longer hours.
It’s normal to want adult company. It’s normal to want a break from a baby, even more so when theyvare unwell and it takes such a huge toll on you.
The fact you see working as an easier option than looking after a baby that is ‘difficult’ shows how hard it was to look after him and how much you really needed support.
Don’t feel guilt about needing that support or that break.

If working means you are a better mum for doing so, then go to work.
Tbh, with bith my children, I felt it was ok to leave them with someone else by the time they were 3~4 months. By 6 months, been at home all day had become a chore.
And it’s ok because some mothers love th bay stage and some dint. I love the teenage years and I know a lot of mothers/parents really dread that stage.
And lol of that is ok.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2018 08:24

Another vote for 'you're thinking about the wrong issue here'. The issue isn't whether or not you work - it's your crap partner. Working more hours with a partner who doesn't step up isn't going to be the paradise you imagine... And what's unfair on this hypothetical child is knowingly giving them a crap father, not whether or not their mother works.

Sparklesocks · 17/09/2018 08:24

A lot of parents just don’t have a choice but to work FT, they need 2 incomes and so need childcare. That doesn’t mean they feel any less guilty about it. It’s just a needs must thing and sometimes there aren’t choices.

Raspberry88 · 17/09/2018 08:24

Part time parent...hmmm. Plus 9 months without a full nights sleep is hardly unusual...must have been hard with an unhelpful DH but even with a supportive one you might not have got any sleep! The question is do you actually want another child? If you don't you don't have to have one, if you do want another child then it's fine to go back to work whenever you feel like you need or want to.

Kardashianlove · 17/09/2018 08:26

Your husband is the problem. It sounds like if he hadn’t left you do a lot of lonely parenting you wouldn’t feel like you had to go back to work in order to not to have to do it so many hours a day.

It’s interesting that you are looking to go back to work sooner (despite you feeling that’s not in your DC best interests) rather than looking at ways in which DH can share the load.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/09/2018 08:27

I work part time so I consider myself to be a part time parent. It's not a 'dickish thing to say at all.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 08:28

X post.

I agree your biggest problem is your DH here.
I appreciate he might have MH issues or that he just can’t cope with crying baby etc...
But what you cannot do is be the carer for everyone. For him, your dc and a newborn.
Before having another child, he needs to get on board and acceptbthat leaving you la one to deal with it was VERY hard on you. That he has a part to play and he didn’t play it. And that he can’t be the same again.

I get you wish to have another as a single child. I am a single child and that's the reason why I have two dcs!
But I wouod wantnto understand WHY your DH didn’t step up the first time.

shonkyklingonmakeup · 17/09/2018 08:29

You can't win. If you stay home: you're keeping them from valuable social experiences and depriving them of a role model. If you work: you're outsourcing parenting and missing the best years.

It's a false dilemma that keeps us all in check. Do you see men giving a fuck about this?

You just have to suit yourself on this one. Work or don't, you're going to feel like shit whatever you do.

someonekillbabyshark · 17/09/2018 08:30

I haven't left my daughter once in 2 years, luckily I don't need to work so I haven't had to, iv done everything every day since she was born. I personally don't feel like I need a break from her but I know people that have to work to feel sane x

AlexaShutUp · 17/09/2018 08:30

You could start by not assuming that other parents feel no guilt. Everyone does as far as I can tell.

I feel no guilt at all. Why would I? I don't think having a SAHP is necessarily better for a child, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. My child was always happy and well cared for.

My own mum was miserable as a SAHP, and it made our lives miserable too. I would feel guilty about inflicting that on my child.

If you actively want to stay at home with your kids, great, get on with it. If you want to maintain your career, great, get on with that. Your child will not thank you for making yourself miserable either way.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 08:31

OP you need to talk to DH.

Would he step up this time? Or would he withdraw and leave it all to you?

That answers more. Childcare or not, kids do both and both is fine. What keeps you mentally healthy is generally good for the child.

Is your child's old enough for the free childcare at 3? That would help in terms of 121 time with a new baby but ultimately if DH won't parent then I wouldn't have more children with him

LyndorCake · 17/09/2018 08:32

My DC comes first, always. No arguments. That is why I work full time. If I had it my way, I would be a SAHM. I am burning with jealousy that others get the option to do that. However if I did that we would need to claim benefits, DH would essentially forfeit his time with DC as he would need to work evenings and weekends too. We would struggle to pay the bills and need to sell the car. Would definitely need to sell the house and move into a flat again or a rougher area. My child has a brilliant relationship with his GPs as they do childcare, he has both parents every evening and weekend, he will go to a very good school, we can afford birthdays and Christmas.
I am furious that you have suggested I am a part time parent. I don't stop loving my son when I go to work. I don't stop thinking about him. I don't stop doing things for him. I've got annual leave booked so I can start potty training, hardly a glamorous way to spend a week off work and it means I don't have enough leave to go to my friends destination wedding. All because he comes fucking first. How dare you.