Part time parenting - is it better?

[1000names]

Was in chat but posting for traffic because I need some views on this.

Disclaimer: I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting

laurie

a childminder is standing in for a parent as this is what the child has, the carer is the employed person
The childcare worker is in loco parentis

HTh

But @gullofate not everyone does think I AIBU.

That's not what I said

But @gullofate not everyone does think I AIBU

So that means the ones who think YANBU are valid, well thought out and considered opinions and all the ones who say YABU aren't worth listening to?

@ministerforcheekyfuckery that’s not what I said.

@gullofate it’s interesting it’s only you that I think is BU.

Whether you work full time part time or not at all. The mum guilt will get you in some shape or form. Always remember that as long as your child is loved and looked after they'll be fine. You need to love and look after you. My mental health would be destroyed if I was a SAHM. I really don't care what that makes me look like. My son adores me and knows I work hard and he always talks about working hard for when he has babies when he's bigger. A happy mum is a happy baby!

It’s a shame a couple of goady people have come on to derail the thread.

Thank you to everyone who made a genuine contribution, whether you took issue with what i said & helped me see it in a different light, shared your experiences, or just popped by to offer advice.

I’ll be asking MN to take the thread down now to remove the platform for certain individuals.

Thanks again (almost) all.

The difference is I couldn't give two shits what you think, I never asked for your opinion.

Then why keep coming back...

I had over a year on maternity leave, I said if I ever did it again I would only do six months. I like a balance between work and childcare. I think it is very easy for what is best for mum's to come last in the line. Being a full time carer for my dc isn't the best way to meet my needs, I do best with a compromise.

Do you really not see the hypocrisy of referring to WOH as "part time parenting" in your thread title and then accusing others of being "goady" when you're challenged about it?

To give you mine. Just like you asked.

To quote the great Oscar Wilde "There are two great tragedies in life; one is not getting what you want, the other is getting it."

RomanyRoots

Why don't you ask a nursery worker what term best describes their paid role; 'parent' or 'caregiver' and see what they say.

@pumpkinspicetime thank you for your view. I think you’re right and a split between home and work suits me best. I struggled as a SAHP and find the compromise suitable me better.

Goady thread

Why don't you ask a nursery worker what term best describes their paid role; 'parent' or 'caregiver' and see what they say

^^this! Also, would you expect a child to call the child minder mummy? After all, they are being the parent.

... apparently.

Sorry pressed send too soon

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

This is such a strange question. Do you really think there is a sensible answer?

@gullofate. I got what I wanted which was honest feedback on the question I asked. What I didn’t ask for was for people to just be offensive for their own entertainment. Which is why MN have taken down one of your posts.

Don’t get me wrong, quoting Oscar wilde is apt in your case, he liked breaking the rules and was often deliberately offensive for his own amusement. That might be where the parallel ends though. I wouldn’t know. I don’t know you and I’m not interested in having a row with someone who is just looking for a platform to be unpleasant.

I definitely get why a mother would prefer to go back to work, either full or part time, given the choice. Parenting is incredibly hard work and plenty of people probably find they don't want to have to do it all the time, need adult conversation, mental stimulation etc.

But if I did feel like that after having my child I'd stop at one tbh. Why make life difficult by overstretching yourself with something you don't enjoy more than anything else?

As it is I'm in the other camp - I'd love nothing more than to stay off work and look after my girl until she starts school - instead I work full time and she's in nursery 9-4 every day Mostly I want another one so I get another year to be with her! Which is daft as obviously with a newborn it would be an entirely different ball game, but that's the fantasy...

You have absolutely no way of knowing this. You may have been damaged by childcare, you may have flourished in it. No one ever knows what would have happened in the paths not taken.

Sorry, but I absolutely do know this, knowing the problems I had as a child/what causes them, knowing the condition I now have that was caused by disrupted attachment etc. I think I have far more insight into what would have worked for me or not than you do.

Ennirem not daft at all! My DD was 3.5 when DS was born so basically I was on mat leave for the whole year before she started school. We kept her in nursery 3 days a week but the 2 days she was with me and the baby definitely felt like quality time. Obviously now I'm back at work I'm spread quite thinly but the timings worked out nicely for her last year as a pre-schooler.

@ennirem that’s fair. I really struggled with the baby stage for a lot of reasons. That doesn’t mean I hated it but I constantly felt I was getting it wrong. I am more confident now. And post surgery I am actually able to do more too. I love the toddler stage.

For me, 7 days a week would be too much as I didn’t realise how much I personally get out of being at work until i went back, IYSWIM, but I absolutely understand those who would rather SAHP. I’m sorry that’s not possible for you.

1. I don't feel like a part-time parent, I am my DD's mother every second of the day.
2. You must have a great memory. I can barely remember anything from when I was pre-school age, in fact my memories from when I was 5 or 6 are very vague.
3. You are making judgement on others as well. Don't transfer your potential feelings of guilt on other people.