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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move to the other side of the world

134 replies

noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 18:59

DP has always wanted to move to Australia, he has some family there (his uncle moved there years ago and started a family) so he has been there many times. We agreed that perhaps we'd move there in some years time, when we have more money, it sounded like a nice idea but unrealistic at least for many years. So DH worked hard, started a career and saved. Last year we decided to go on holiday there, I loved it but i just couldn't see myself living there, we were there for about 3 weeks and i felt quite homesick towards the end. He's been saying we could move this time next year, I've said I don't think I want to and he's annoyed because I'm holding him back from his dreams apparently. I've always lived in the same town, the thought of living so far away scares me a bit honestly. I'm not sure whether this is the best thing for our two DD's, what the education system is like there. There's also that we can either live comfortable here or be tight for money in Australia. I don't really want to move from family and friends either

OP posts:
W0rriedMum · 16/09/2018 19:01

If you feel this way, please do not go.
It is a very long way away and the culture is quite different to that of the UK. Even friends who went willingly found some things hard to adjust to (as with any big move I guess).

Havaina · 16/09/2018 19:09

If you're homesick after a holiday (where you would have been in stress free holiday mode) definitely don't move there! Don't let him coerce you into it.

Original poster
noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 19:09

Yeah i don't think I'd adjust easily, it's one thing going on holiday and another living there

OP posts:
Inkanta · 16/09/2018 19:37

Don't go. Just say 'no'.

OVienna · 16/09/2018 19:37

What is he looking to get out of this move he couldn't get in the UK?

WrongKindOfFace · 16/09/2018 19:41

If you’re not 100% sure then don’t go. Bear in mind that if you did go and wanted to leave you would not be able to leave with your children.

Kpo58 · 16/09/2018 19:45

What makes your DP think that Australia will accept him + family? Would he even qualify for a visa?

9amtrain · 16/09/2018 19:45

Don't go!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 19:52

Having moved far away myself (USA), I'd strongly advise investigating all the basics - climate (does your DH really understand how hot it gets!), education system, healthcare, benefits, cost of living in different areas, etc., not to mention the whole immigration aspect. The requirements may have changed drastically since his uncle emigrated.

Once you know all the facts, you and your DH can make an informed decision. He may just be daydreaming at the moment and have no clue what life will really be like over there.

Original poster
noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 19:54

Honestly I don't know, he used to go when he was younger during holidays, says he's always preferred it to here. Also doesn't staying in one place for long which is something that makes us very different to each other

OP posts:
lemonadefloat · 16/09/2018 19:58

What about your dds in all this?

  1. they may not want to either
  2. they'll presumably be moved away from family
  3. what if they want to come back when uni age or want to stay there & you want to come back? you'll be on other sides of the world!

don't do it if you don't want to.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 20:01

Holidays are completely different to living somewhere.

Do some digging, OP, and present him with the current facts. You may find that unless either of you have sought-after skills to get a work permit, you'll need a certain amount of savings to move there, possibly private health insurance for a while, etc.

It may be a non-starter, or something that you'll need to work towards for several years if you decide to do it.

Imustbemad00 · 16/09/2018 20:03

I’ve always thought I’d love to do a big move like that. But it’s unachievable dream. In reality I’d probably feel like you, there’s so much to consider. I wish I’d done more stuff like that before kids.

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/09/2018 20:05

So really you never had any intention of moving to Australia (or anywhere else). Did you consciously string your DP along or were you hoping he'd just forget about the idea? I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about it and tell him that you're not willing to move. Then he can stop fooling himself that it's an option.

Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 20:13

He did all the stuff to enable the move, thinking you've agreed. It sounds like you never thought it would come to pass.

I think you need to make it clear you are not going & let him decide what's more important for him.

You can't compromise on this. One of you will have to give in or go your separate ways.

hiddeneverything · 16/09/2018 20:21

Sounds like you both want different things. Should probably have discovered this before you had children, but that obviously can't be changed. Could you go for a year and see how you all feel then? You've always known it's his dream but has he always known you won't move? This is a tricky one but YAB slightly U for letting him think you'd move when you actually won't

Maelstrop · 16/09/2018 20:25

It’s a bloody fortune for anything over there. I’d never go. Way too far. Someone I know has gone and the big thing they say is the lack of family/grandparents has been a nightmare. They have no back up.

BillyCongo · 16/09/2018 20:27

He's always wanted to live over there. He's actively been saving up to go. He's made no secret that this has been a dream of his. How did you get to this point and not have a serious conversation about it?? I'm not saying you should go. But I think you have been very unfair on your husband to let it get this far if you never had any intention of moving out there.

Rebecca36 · 16/09/2018 20:28

Don't go. Emigrating is not for everyone. Personally I've never seen the appeal when it is so nice here but that's me. Plenty do go off and are happy but it sounds as though you wouldn't be.

Your husband has romantic ideas about Australia based on visits for holidays, it could well be a quite different matter if he lived there.

Your children may well not take kindly to being uprooted either.

RSTera · 16/09/2018 20:29

So you've always known he wanted to go, and agreed with him you would go with him one day?

I think you shouldn't be surprised if he goes without you.

BrightLightsAndSound · 16/09/2018 20:29

If I were you I'd go on the basis that you're open to trialling it for a year.

I think its pretty mean of you to have essentially strung him along for years, knowing you'd never left your hometown and I'm guessing assuming hed eventually abandon the idea.

I think if you've only ever lived in the same town it wouldnt hurt to expand your horizons a little.

Tbh if i were your DH I'd be feeling a bit betrayed.

I dont see the difference between this and the threads on here written by women who have been told by their partners "we'll have kids at some point" only for them to turn around and say actually no.

I dont think you ever intended to move and in that case it was dishonest of you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 20:31

Could you go for a year and see how you all feel then?

That's what I'd do if it does turn out to be viable after doing the research. If you don't go, you'll never know what life could be like somewhere else, it could be amazing.

I think it'll take longer to get over there than your DH thinks, though. Visas can take ages to come through.

SoundOfWaves · 16/09/2018 20:33

If your husband knew from the get go that you were never going to agree he might have made different decisions, you've entrapped him.

SavoyCabbage · 16/09/2018 20:34

Don’t go for a trial. Once you go and your dc are enrolled in school and ‘settled’ you can’t leave with your children without your dh’s permission.

BrightLightsAndSound · 16/09/2018 20:34

I mean you say he's "always wanted to".

So did you like sell him the dream of being potentially open to raising a family somewhere different with him, Australia, an adventure, sunshine, one day....so he has kids with you, gets on and saves, and then you're like "sorry no". Basically I'm saying it sounds like you sold him the idea of a partner/family that fit with his goals and now you've pulled the rug when had he known from the start he could have partnered up with someone who shared his vision.

You know what i mean?

Why did you only jusy get round to visiting australia last year???