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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move to the other side of the world

134 replies

noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 18:59

DP has always wanted to move to Australia, he has some family there (his uncle moved there years ago and started a family) so he has been there many times. We agreed that perhaps we'd move there in some years time, when we have more money, it sounded like a nice idea but unrealistic at least for many years. So DH worked hard, started a career and saved. Last year we decided to go on holiday there, I loved it but i just couldn't see myself living there, we were there for about 3 weeks and i felt quite homesick towards the end. He's been saying we could move this time next year, I've said I don't think I want to and he's annoyed because I'm holding him back from his dreams apparently. I've always lived in the same town, the thought of living so far away scares me a bit honestly. I'm not sure whether this is the best thing for our two DD's, what the education system is like there. There's also that we can either live comfortable here or be tight for money in Australia. I don't really want to move from family and friends either

OP posts:

BrightLightsAndSound · 16/09/2018 20:36

And all the people being like "he's just living on fantasy, its just a dream vision in his head...".

Umm, no. I've been an expat for way more years than Ive lived in the UK. Some stuff is tough, some stuff is disappointingn but change is good, and theres lots worth having elsewhere. Dont be so patronising to him.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 20:38

@SavoyCabbage

Wow! Does that apply even when they're all non-citizens?

Surely a parent can take non-citizens back to their country of origin?

I can see how it would work if they're Australian citizens.

Feelingsad33 · 16/09/2018 20:43

If he doesn’t like staying in one place too long then what’s he going to do when he gets to australia? I lived there for a year and although I had a great time I never considered staying. Too far from family. My yearly holiday would be visiting family back in the U.K (so not a holiday as such) and you are so far away from everywhere. No nipping over to different countries for a weekend break etc.

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 20:43

Having children is a game changer because it isn’t just about his dreams anymore. The priority is always going to be them.

Maybe when you were young it seemed possible but now it isn’t something you want.

Be honest with him, say you can’t do it now. You can go there there every year for a holiday but you want your home to stay in England

lborgia · 16/09/2018 20:44

GOing for a year just won’t work. Unless one of you has a magic job that Oz desperately needs you for, and you can get a work visa. Also, the move costs a bloody fortune, as does the move back. Plus, once you’re there, if you’ve got the visas/jobs sorted, I highly doubt he’ll want to come back if he does like it.

Before I rant about the difficulties of living here, it obviously matters where in the country he wants to settle, but he needs to know that holidays and living here are two extremely different things.

If you want any specific info, do let me know.

Oh, and no, you won’t just magically change your mind when you start living here either. You’re both in a really shit situation and I’m sorry, it sucks.

To those who think that she has been stringing him along - seriously - millions of people have dreams, doesn’t mean they are going to actively get on with it. Holding him back from his dreams? Is he 5? He has a family, a career , and can afford holidays to Australia. He’s not exactly in purgatory. If this was such a big dream, presumably he’s already done the due diligence and knows exactly how this is all going to work, visas, schools, housing etc etc?

That last bit was a bit mean, perhaps.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 20:46

@BrightLightsAndSound

The OP has said that she honestly doesn't know whether he's researched the immigration rules and life out there.

I think they would be discussing all that now if he's hoping to move next year. My own immigration took months.

Yes, life can be great in other places!

winegummms · 16/09/2018 20:46

Wow, exciting and scary. Time for a big, serious talk...

BrightLightsAndSound · 16/09/2018 20:50

@lborgia
Hes not in purgatory but look how the OP described him. This was always his plan and it sounds like he was working and saving with a view to making it happen.
It doesnt sound like a pipe dream "oh one day I'd love to open a donkey rescue in portugal", it sounds like this was his concrete goal from the start.
So i guess it all depends on to what extent the OP made him think she was definitely on board or not.
Aka from the beginning was she like "maybe...i might be convinced at a later stage..." or was she like "this sounds amazing...lets aim for that".

lborgia · 16/09/2018 20:51

Mm, I’ve had another look at your post, and I realise that my impression is this. He “wants to go” so he has worked hard and saved. But, based on this tiny bit of information it sounds as if he is just expecting to pack a suitcase, transfer the savings, and get on a plane. Surely you would have realised long before now that he was serious, because he would have lists and folders, and websites, and application forms, and .... stuff?

Spiritedhorse · 16/09/2018 20:53

Go!! 'YOLO' You only leave once.
Make the most out of it xxx

lborgia · 16/09/2018 20:53

Love donkey rescue!

It’s hard, I do realise that sometimes you turn round and find that 5 years has gone past, and one of you thinks you are still aiming for your original plan and the other has assumed that life took over and it wasn’t really a thing anymore. As I say, it’s a horrible position to be in. We were supposed to go back to the UK, and now I’m stuck. So, I do have skin in this game

anniehm · 16/09/2018 20:57

If you are not sure, don't - for every success story, there's Brit's living in Australia hard up and wishing they had not moved, or who return to the U.K. having lost their savings in the process having to start over. People move there and love it, I can see the attraction but it's not for everyone, I'm not even keen on visiting bil due to the dangerous creatures and hot sun

MaybeDoctor · 16/09/2018 20:58

Be very careful with regards to your DDs - search 'stuck expat women' on mumsnet. You may not be able to go home again, even if you don't like it.

Raven88 · 16/09/2018 20:58

Don't go if you don't want to. I couldn't leave the UK either. I wouldn't want to leave my friends and family. How's does DD feel.

Also I can't work in the heat. It's not that easy to move to Australia, you have to go through immigration and they only take certain people.

lborgia · 16/09/2018 20:59

“MaybeDoctor” - that would be me. It’s a real thing, yes.

RomanyRoots · 16/09/2018 21:02

You shouldn't go if you don't want to. I don't understand though why if you'd lived in the same town all your life why you'd plan to move across the world without considering homesickness.
I can see your dh point tbh, it's something you'd planned and as far as he knew something you had agreed to work towards. He has done this now and you don't want to go.
This is still no reason for you to go, maybe discuss it more in depth and find out about the schools, have you not looked before at the planning stage?

FunSponges · 16/09/2018 21:04

Don't go for a trial. There was a long running thread in relationships a while ago where the DH was trying to force the OP to move to Australia and many many posters were saying once he got here there, she wouldn't be able to leave with her children.

SweatyFretty · 16/09/2018 21:07

Have you got jobs that would be desired by Australia's immigration regulations?

This problem may resolve itself. Australia may not want you.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 16/09/2018 21:10

I would hate to still be living in the town I grew up in so I can feel sympathy for your dh, especially as it seems you never said a definite "no". If you say no to Australia (and I think you should) could you do something else that would be a kind of compromise - somewhere else to move to?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 21:12

@lborgia

Surely you would have realised long before now that he was serious, because he would have lists and folders, and websites, and application forms, and .... stuff?

Exactly. The OP hasn't mentioned any of this and says she doesn't know if he's looked into it. Obviously they need to have a serious discussion about moving, but regardless, I don't think a move would happen for a while yet.

Iflyaway · 16/09/2018 21:19

Sounds like you both want different things. Should probably have discovered this before you had children, but that obviously can't be changed.

Sounds like life to me.

Of course things can always be changed! Because life IS change! Every day.

However, OP. Don't go. You will be miserable from the sounds of your OP.

And once you go, your kids will not be yours to take back if you want to yourself.

Don't sacrifice your life or those of your kids by their dad's distant dream. from the 50's

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 21:26

@lborgia

I'm genuinely curious as to why British children couldn't be taken back to the U.K. without the permission of both parents. Is that really the case?

Here, American children can't be taken out of the USA without the permission of their American parents - but I don't think it would be a problem to bring them back to the USA if they'd been living elsewhere.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/09/2018 21:30

I'm on the other side of this and I honestly wouldn't ask my husband to move, to the country of my choice, because he would hate it and be utterly miserable. I think that with a move like this everyone has to be keen to give it their best shot, or it can only end in dismal failure.

There have been times when I felt held back by my husband being so rooted here (4th or 5th generation farmer), but that doesn't mean that I can force him to go- he would go if the choice was that or a divorce, but those are both pretty miserable options. and making him miserable wouldn't help me to be happier.

SpiritedLondon · 16/09/2018 21:33

Yes how far down the road has your DH actually got in planning? ( other than looking at houses online ..... that doesn’t count). Has he identified potential employers / schools etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in having the ambition to go and I know a family who moved and have done so very successfully, so it’s not just a pipe dream. However they both wanted to do it which I think is the essential element ( both were engineers and moved jobs within the same oil company they worked with in the UK) Do you think your DH will be a bit upset to find that you are no longer interested in going? It sounds like he’s up for an adventure. In his position I think I’d be a bit gutted at the prospect of living in the same town and doing the same things for the rest of my life. Is there anything else which might work as a compromise for him or is it Australia or nothing ? Perhaps a gap year and take the kids out of school and do some travelling. I think now is the time to have a proper heart to heart and find out how much of this is a day dream and how much is a firm ambition and see his thoughts on not going.

VimFuego101 · 16/09/2018 21:38

If you go for a year, be aware that you will not be able to return to the UK with your children without your husband's permission.

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