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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move to the other side of the world

134 replies

noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 18:59

DP has always wanted to move to Australia, he has some family there (his uncle moved there years ago and started a family) so he has been there many times. We agreed that perhaps we'd move there in some years time, when we have more money, it sounded like a nice idea but unrealistic at least for many years. So DH worked hard, started a career and saved. Last year we decided to go on holiday there, I loved it but i just couldn't see myself living there, we were there for about 3 weeks and i felt quite homesick towards the end. He's been saying we could move this time next year, I've said I don't think I want to and he's annoyed because I'm holding him back from his dreams apparently. I've always lived in the same town, the thought of living so far away scares me a bit honestly. I'm not sure whether this is the best thing for our two DD's, what the education system is like there. There's also that we can either live comfortable here or be tight for money in Australia. I don't really want to move from family and friends either

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 18/09/2018 08:33

You’ve got to stop humouring him, if he’s going to see an agent it sounds like he still thinks you’re on board. You need to be upfront and tell him that the holiday made you realise it wasn’t for you.

Original poster

noprobllamas · 18/09/2018 09:14

I'm not humouring him, he simply thinks I'll change my mind eventually

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2018 12:00

I've always lived in the same town, the thought of living so far away scares me a bit honestly

I don't really want to move from family and friends either

So why did you do this:

We agreed that perhaps we'd move there in some years time

He thinks you'll change your mind when you've never actually said "you know what, I don't want to go". When it sounds pretty clear you've never been keen. It sounds like you've kept it on the table all the time, while you've had your kids, almost as if you're hoping he would forget about it or change his mind.

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2018 12:15

So essentially, for the last nine years you've waited for him to change his mind and he's waited for you to give the green light. This can has been kicked as far down the road as it possibly can.

'I don't want to move and i won't move'. This is the sentence you need to repeat and then you can move forward by dealing with the fallout of your decision.

Nine years is a very long time to pretend to be open to something you really weren't.

ErickBroch · 18/09/2018 13:44

This is pretty bad and will be difficult to move on from, I don't think you should move if you don't want to but he is going to end up very resentful as he made it clear to you he always wanted to and you married him knowing that. I hope you can both work past it though.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/09/2018 13:48

I'd encourage him to speak to an agent regardless, simply to see if a visa is even possible. Also find out what sort of visas are available to you. Would you also be able to work, for example? Here in the USA, some types of work visas allow people to bring their spouses along, but the spouse can't work for X number of years.

Even if it costs some money, get him to find out all the details now...as a PP said, there may not even be a decision to make if he's ineligible.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2018 14:54

Also, I personally don't think agents are worth the money. You can get all the info you need from this www.australia.gov.au/information-and-services/immigration-and-visas website, you can even check whether you have sufficient "points" to be considered.

Again, things may have changed since I did my visa application 10 years ago though!

I don't think there is any point in people banging on about the OP "stringing her husband along" - that doesn't mean she now has to capitulate just because she hoped he'd let it go!

But what it DOES mean is that you do have to have an honest conversation and lay your cards on the table - tell him you do NOT want to go. Then deal with what happens afterwards - you cannot just keep hoping that he's going to forget about it, he's not.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 18/09/2018 17:09

This happened to me. My husband always said he would love to live in my home country, and loves going there for extended holidays etc, but there was always a reason not to go- it was not the right time, depressed housing market, work/ career, health, the kids schooling... when I asked him to discuss it he would become vague, and not want to get into it. I eventually realised that he would never actually do it and after a while just stopped making plans in my head and faced the fact that he had in effect been lying to me for many years. By not being honest and saying, ok, I really can’t see myself ever moving. It was the avoidance of the subject that really hurt me. We had a few really shit years after that and the resentment I felt was massive. I think it is a shitty thing to do to say “oh yeah, sounds like a plan one day, you’ve always been upfront about wanting to move there, it’s a possibility,” without ever meaning to give it any real thought.

Singlenotsingle · 18/09/2018 17:28

Why don't you apply to go on that program "Wanted Down Under" where the family go over to Oz and check out the houses, jobs and social life?

PinkLady01 · 18/09/2018 17:33

To be honest it sounds like you’re not particularly well suited. It’s unfair of you to have talked about going for a few years, and now that he’s worked to save the money suddenly saying no. This is coming from someone who has done a big international move!

And for whoever said what could he get out there that you couldn’t get in the UK... they’re different countries so kind of a stupid question. Different weather, places, accents, people, food, lifestyles etc

OVienna · 18/09/2018 21:29

Is that a reference to me pinklady? Because as an actual immigrant myself people don't move across the world to experience different accents. The OPs DH could be suffering from grass is greener symptoms. That is my point. What is it exactly he thinks he will get out of the OZ move that isn't available here? This is vital to think about.

AltheaorDonna · 19/09/2018 00:28

But surely is doesn't really matter why he wants to move? He just does. I decided to emigrate, after 15 years of saying no, because I was sick of the weather and the terrible economy, it was a good time for my son to move for schools, and I thought it would be an adventure! It was all of that and much more, I found the grass was very much greener here, although of course it has its faults too (like everywhere). So what difference will it make getting him to quantify why he wants to move?

SunshineSnowflakesDaydreams · 19/09/2018 00:51

I think what @PinkLady01 is trying to say is that some people (I'm one of them) do move to experience new and different things. You have to work 9-5 somewhere so why not do it somewhere different? Not everyone is looking for greener grass. Sure, you don't want to find yourself in a worse off position but if it's much of a muchness, why not branch out and experience something new? That includes food, culture, customs and yes, accents and languages. You don't just pick one of those as a reason, they come as a package deal, as she was implying.

Someone commented that people should stop banging on about the OP stringing her husband along but that is the whole point of this thread. It's not about the move, it's not about the location. That's all irrelevant. The point is her husband has expressed a desire to do something and for the last few years has been working towards that goal, thinking the OP was actually supportive of the end goal but he is about to have that rug pulled out from underneath him and that's going to be a bitter pill for him to swallow. It's ok for the OP to not want to go, some people have no desire to move overseas (or even out of their hometown, as is the case here), and that's ok! The OP shouldn't feel guilty for not feeling as enthusiastic as her husband, if she doesn't want to move she doesn't want to move, but making the right noises for the last 9 years to appease him when she felt this way should make her feel a little bad. It sounds like he has an inkling anyway and both of them hoping the other will change their mind was a bad move on both their parts.

If the OP has no intentions of ever saying yes then him going to see an agent is just pointless (they are pointless anyway, by the way) and a waste of money. Like I said in an earlier post, you now have to focus on how you're going to manage any resentment and regret.

user1238544334565 · 19/09/2018 03:39

I have 2 friends who both moved to Oz with their partners/husbands, and both stayed 10 years and both absolutely hated it. They found the casual racism horrifying and the lack of culture depressing. One of them describes it as the worst 10 years of her life. The other reckons that if you're not into sport, it's hard to have a meaningful conversation with anyone

Your friends obviously didn't try very hard if they couldn't make it work in 10 years.

I despise sports and it's never stopped me from having a meaningful conversation with anyone (in Australia).

user1238544334565 · 19/09/2018 03:42

I really do despair sometimes at posts like the last one. Australia has plenty of culture, including the oldest one in the world that happens to be black. Its no more racist that anywhere else, and I get really fed up with that old trope being trotted out by people who haven’t even set foot in the place, it’s just bloody tedious! And I hate bloody sport, yet have had no problems whatsoever finding friends here and having a rich social life. Perhaps that’s because people here take you at face value, instead of writing off an entire country based on what their mate who visited twenty years told them about you!

Too true. So many ignorant and unfounded comments in this thread. No wonder Brits have a reputation as whinging poms.

Sleepykate · 19/09/2018 05:40

On the one hand he'd be unfair to take you if you don't want to go, but on the other hand you'd be unfair to keep him from his dream, if it really has always been his dream and hes been actively working and saving towards it. I would at least try it out for a year, otherwise honestly it might end up in feelings of resentment and worst case scenario, seperation.

Sleepykate · 19/09/2018 05:43

And yeah, I agree that you never should have allowed it to be an option for him if you had no intention of even trying it. You only have one life, and so does he. It was cruel for you to get his hopes up and make him think it was a possibility if you won't even try it. And honestly, living in the same town for your entire life could be considered quite dull. If I were him I'd probably go without you if you won't even give it a go.

blueskiesandforests · 19/09/2018 05:58

I agree that you never should have said that you'd move "one day" if you had no interest of doing so. It's no different to the men who tell their dp they'll get married one day, but never do, leaving a bitter and disillusioned woman ten years and 2 kids later, having given up a lot on the basis of what they thought was a definite plan and promise, and their partner thought was just hot air to keep her sweet...

I also agree that you should tell him now that you have no intention whatsoever of ever moving to Australia.

You are right, homebirds who have always lived in one town rarely transplant successfully. You risk your DD's settling in after initial struggles, and seeing it as home, while you long to move back to your "home" in the UK. You'd then have to leave your dds with your dp to return alone yourself.

How sure is he you'd all get a visa to go? If you don't have shortage skills and the right level of education it may not even be feasible of course.

If he's researched thoroughly and planned a career in an in demand field as well as saved, your relationship is probably going to end. That really wouldn't be his fault, as he's been clear and honest with you and you've told him you're on board just to keep him sweet...

blueskiesandforests · 19/09/2018 06:02

@user1238544334565 reread your post and note the irony! Australians never stereotype by nationality - unlike whininging poms! How bloody funny!

user1238544334565 · 19/09/2018 06:14

@blueskiesandforests
Never said I was Australian. How odd to assume I was. Plenty of people visit Australia and manage to have conversations with the locals that don't involve sports.

blueskiesandforests · 19/09/2018 06:18

user1238544334565 I didn't say you were, you've invented that. You were complaining about stereotyping a nationality, while stereotyping a nationality. Which is hypocritical whatever your own nationality.

Of course no nation is a nation of clones. You negated your point by sticking a thumping great negative national stereotype of your own on the end though!

Inkanta · 19/09/2018 06:29

Don't go OP - just say 'NO'.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad.

RayRayBidet · 19/09/2018 06:40

As someone miserably living in another country, fgs don't do it.
I thought I would give it a try, really I wasn't that keen and you have no idea how much I regret it.
I'm in Germany so not even that far away.
Six weeks after we moved my sisters husband died suddenly. Then my mum got cancer and had to have major surgery.
I just want to go back. Now have the guilt for moving the kids. DH doesn't want to go back as he isn't British and worried about Brexit as we don't know what his status would be.
I'm perimenopausal, which isn't Germany's fault but isn't helping me feel at home.
I hate it here.
It's a place with a nice lifestyle and good quality public services, there are a lot of good things about it but I'm so unhappy and I want to leave but it isn't that simple.
Don't do it.

topcat2014 · 19/09/2018 06:47

I always think, when I watch place in the sun (or whatever) that the man (usually) has no ties to the UK, whilst the woman struggles to think about severing all hers.

Could be that the guy just doesn't even consider anyone apart from himself.

People pleasing is generally looked down on, and I get that to a certain extent, but if I emigrated then I would be removing the DC from grandparents 'forever' in that no-one is getting any younger.

I couldn't do that.

Of course living in another country is just the same shit with different weather.

AsleepAllDay · 19/09/2018 07:03

OP just has to rip the bandaid off and let her husband know that it's not in her long term plans. That way he can weigh up what greater - his resentment if he stays or the itch to go

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