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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move to the other side of the world

134 replies

noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 18:59

DP has always wanted to move to Australia, he has some family there (his uncle moved there years ago and started a family) so he has been there many times. We agreed that perhaps we'd move there in some years time, when we have more money, it sounded like a nice idea but unrealistic at least for many years. So DH worked hard, started a career and saved. Last year we decided to go on holiday there, I loved it but i just couldn't see myself living there, we were there for about 3 weeks and i felt quite homesick towards the end. He's been saying we could move this time next year, I've said I don't think I want to and he's annoyed because I'm holding him back from his dreams apparently. I've always lived in the same town, the thought of living so far away scares me a bit honestly. I'm not sure whether this is the best thing for our two DD's, what the education system is like there. There's also that we can either live comfortable here or be tight for money in Australia. I don't really want to move from family and friends either

OP posts:

Logits · 16/09/2018 21:41

I feel sorry for your DP. Why lie and say you'd be willing to move if you planned on staying in your home town? I'd be feeling deceived and manipulated if I were him. He may have made different choices if he'd known you weren't compatible in this way but you took that choice away from him.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 21:45

OK, just read the stuck expat's thread and now understand the difficulties...it's unbelievable.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/09/2018 21:49

I feel sorry for your DP. Why lie and say you'd be willing to move if you planned on staying in your home town?

I don' think it's clear that this is what happened at all. At first it didn't seem feasible for many years, but OP did go for a visit and just couldn't see herself living there. It's okay to not want to, she hasn't just dismissed it and there is no real reason to believe that she deliberately lied.

Kintan · 16/09/2018 21:53

This is a tough one - of course you should go if it doesn’t feel right for you or your family, but at the same time you’ve gone along with their understanding that you’d be happy to move there one day. If I was your partner I would be so pissed off that you’d strung me along for all that time!

Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 21:57

I nearly emigrated & there were very sad women on the expat forums, stuck in Oz as they couldn't leave the children & husband were insisting on staying.

Kintan · 16/09/2018 21:59

shouldn’t go that should say!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/09/2018 22:05

I'm not saying you should go. But I think you have been very unfair on your husband to let it get this far if you never had any intention of moving out there.

This. You can't go if it's not an option a - trial would be risky for all the reasons already mentioned - but you owe him a conversation and some honesty so that can make his call here. You've misled him and that's not fair.

Ethylred · 16/09/2018 22:10

OP, Australia has nothing to do with it, you don't even want to leave your hometown. Don't be so scared of the world. No wonder your husband feels that you're holding him back from his dreams.

Original poster

noprobllamas · 16/09/2018 22:36

He first told me about this about 9 years ago i think, we didn't have much at all back then so I expected it to be a long time (if ever) that we would seriously consider going. I was never completely positive about wanting to go and he knew that, he knows I'm happy here. I was more like we might go, in many years. When we have money, maybe another child (I already had my oldest at this point) and probably when our kids our older and have moved out. It was hardly something he spoke about everyday, it wasn't something i really thought about and the years have gone by quicker than I expected. He sprung this on me a while ago, that we could move there soon and he wanted to. That's when I realised I should seriously think about this, so i suggested us all visiting. DD's liked it there but aren't all that fussed about moving

OP posts:

tillytown · 16/09/2018 23:03

How old was he when you got together? Surely if it was his dream, he would have moved before settling down and having kids, so why didn't he?

timeisnotaline · 16/09/2018 23:21

Hmm. When I got together with my dp I told him I wanted children and to move overseas. Years later I got a secondment to London and we’ve been here ever since. If he’d changed his mind about moving I’d have been devastated. However we aren’t permanent here much as we love it in case that’s relevanr.

OVienna · 16/09/2018 23:31

OP can always say - and it would be true and fair enough- that after the holiday she had a rethink. It doesnt appear to me that the DH has clearly articulated reasons for going, it seems more a "just because" sort of thing. OP suggested finsncially they'd be worse off too. Moving across the world on this basis? Nah.

1981fishgut · 16/09/2018 23:37

And op if you did ever brake up with dh you would be stuck Australia have very strong shares custody laws

5Yearplan4000 · 16/09/2018 23:52

You'd make a poor migrant I think. Most people who are attached to their home towns, let alone moving within the uk, really struggle to adapt to an overseas move and all that it involves. Move from your small home town to a (probably) large Australian city of several
million people ? If you have any doubts, ask yourself would you even want to move within the uk to London ? As that's what the larger Aussie cities where most people live have more in common with, rather than an English market town. Aussie cities are very busy, bustling places nowadays. if you have kids and then take them and split up whilst you're there, you can't bring them back without consent of your partner. The Hague convention.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2018 23:58

20% of the population have the wanderlust gene. www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travel-truths/the-wanderlust-gene-is-it-real-and-do-you-have-it/ I have it (lived in three countries so far and traveled to another 40). Thankfully DH and DD do too.

Sounds like your DH has it. And if you get homesick after 3 weeks, you definitely don't. Which is a shame. Because us traveler types really love it. And saying it's a pipe dream, or fantasy isn't great. To us, it really isn't.

Honeyroar · 17/09/2018 00:06

This happens all the time on that Wanted Down Under tv show! One half of the relationship wants to emigrate, the other doesn't, so they go out for a look and try to persuade them- but they clearly don't want to move.

That's fair enough. You need to be totally onboard- it's a huge step.

You have to have serious chat. You don't want to go, if he stays would he always blame you? If he would then it may be the end the road.

Kescilly · 17/09/2018 00:08

I don’t think you need to have a wanderlust gene to move. You do need to have the right attitude. If you’re not willing to go into it with some enthusiasm, it’s going to be very difficult. Moving to the UK is one of the hardest things I’ve done.

This is really difficult on your marriage though, since he obviously thought you were on board with this plan.

altiara · 17/09/2018 00:18

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to plan a holiday like you did and discover it’s not for you. Just tell him you don’t want to move. It’s all very well for him to have talked about it for 9 years, but he hasn’t exactly been taking you there and showing you what he loves has he? You had to organise the one holiday yourself to check it out.
He’ll just have to choose what is more important to him.

RollerJed · 17/09/2018 00:21

I've just moved home to Aus after 10 years away and I'm struggling a bit with the differences. I've also lived in 5 different countries and definitely have the wanderlust gene @MrsTerryPratchett talks about as I'm mentally planning my next move in 5 or so years!

I do think you've been unfair on your DP saying yes when you never had any intentions of moving. But you definitely come across as someone who would hate it so I don't think you should go.

AltheaorDonna · 17/09/2018 00:48

You are in a tricky situation, and I've beent here too. My husband always wanted to emigrate, and I had no interest whatsoever. Thankfully he realised we both had to be on the same page, so so the final decision was up to me and we stayed put. Until one day the rain was freezing and horizontal, my work sucked even more than usual, and I just thought, lets do it! So we made our plans and saved our cash and did it, and it was the best decision I ever made. I suspect you wouldn't feel the same though, Australia was my third country to live in, and I definitely have the wanderlust gene! Also, even if you are all on the same page, emigrating is bloody hard and stressful for at least a year until things settle down. If you don't want to even be there it would be grim!

So, as everyone else has said, you need to find out first if emigrating is even feasible, do you have the necessary skills and points? Its not that easy to get in so it might be a pipe dream anyway.

One final thing, a poster above said everything here is expensive. It certainly is if you are on holiday and converting from UKP. But once you have a job here wages are higher, and you stop converting everything. it evens out. Our standard of living is much higher than Ireland or the UK simply because we earn more here.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 17/09/2018 00:57

Hello from Australia!
Don't do it if you are not sure. It's lovely here, but expensive. The thing that you really need to consider is if you absolutely hate it and want to go back, and your dh doesn't what will happen? Maybe find out what happens legally with kids in situations like that.
Where abouts where you thinking of moving too?

lborgia · 17/09/2018 01:00

AmI - sorry, I went away, but as you say, there are threads about it. This actually highlights one of the biggest issues with Australia. Most people think it's all exactly like the UK but with a different climate. It's not!

Some laws are very different, for example have your heard of parent alienation? If you end up in court over a custody issue, and present reasons why your parent is a twat, or if you have children saying they don't want to stay with the other parent, their team can argue "parent alienation". This, for whatever reason you agree with, is usually mother's saying their ex has done this that or the other, so it's often referred to as dad alienation...

Anyway, the while subject is as big as the country, but as OP confirmed, there was a long period of time where they didn't discuss it at all, and you get into everyday life, and if he really had wanderlust would-be been useful to check in once a year with how they both felt.

Hope your conversations go ok OP.

notangelinajolie · 17/09/2018 01:16

Don't go. If it doesn't feel right then it isn't right - don't let him guilt trip you into feeling you should go just because you agreed all that time ago that it sounded like a good idea. That was then and this is now. If he want's to go then let him - you know the grass isn't greener on the other side but it sounds like he needs to actually do this to find out for himself. He will be back - he needs you by his side to make it all work which it won't

AsleepAllDay · 17/09/2018 01:19

Australia is similar but different - there's the better weather, but even as people we are all quite easygoing and talkative and direct. There's an inevitable culture shock - we have different sports we follow, depending on where you live there's a city's own culture, places like Queensland (the far north as opposed to the metro areas) and anywhere regional are really unlike the U.K. in so many ways

Re: a previous poster, I wouldn't worry about creepy crawlies unless I was actually out in the bush

But the cost of living is high (with wages to match, but you may still be surprised). You will need a car, go straight into renting or buying a house

Immigration isn't totally straightforward even if you have a company willing to sponsor you - it's a two step process for the typical working visa & faff beforehand like having your skills assessed

It wouldn't be worth going to all of that expense for just one year.

I thought the U.K. would be like Australia but colder and boy was I in for a shock! We have our similarities but Brits and Aussies are fundamentally different. It's a doable move for sure but I wouldn't recommend jumping through all the hoops unless your heart is really in it

AltheaorDonna · 17/09/2018 01:24

With respect notangelinajolie, you can't possibly know that it wouldn't work out for him on his own, and sometimes the grass can be greener, metaphorically anyway. It was for me anyway!

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