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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my sister? Money gifted from parents

239 replies

R0sesandTulips · 16/09/2018 17:02

My mum and stepdad have had a flat for years which they’ve rented out with the view that sometime after my sister and I finished uni they’d sell it and split the money equally between us (there’s just us two) to ideally help us with a house deposit. Which of course is absolutely amazingly generous.

Due to circumstances my mum and stepdad hadn’t to keep he flat for a few more years (they had lovely tenants with school age kids who they didn’t want to turf out and tenants couldn’t afford to buy at that point so waited until they were able). Of course this is absolutely fine, their flat, their decision. Although my sister was quite vocal in how displeased she was she wasn’t getting the money right then (she’s a year younger and had been right out of uni ) and was fed up that she had to start renting somewhere.

Fast forward to now and the tenants are in a position to buy and my mum and stepdad are excited to be able to give us both sizeable amounts (talking about £110k ish each, incredibly generous) to help with deposits.

The problem my sister now has with this is that I live in a cheaper part of the UK and that money would go a lot further and perhaps even allow me to be mortgage free (I’ve been living in house shares and saving a deposit of my own for 6ish years) whereas where my sister and her DP want to buy it would be a sizeable drop in the total cost, but they would still have a fairly big mortgage).

My sister has rented a flat since second year of uni and has no savings (prefers to spend on a nice flat and holidays etc, again that’s her choice and I don’t judge her for it because everyone’s different.

My sister has started saying that instead of the money being split equally my parents should do it proportionally. I.e if they want to buy a £300k house she should get the £100k and I should get money proportionate to ge house I’m buying. Houses I’m looking at are in the range of £95-120k) so £30-40k. Then split the rest of the money left between us for furnishing and decorating.

My sister is very vocal and had cut off contact with us all for various things in the past that she’s annoyed about I can tell my parents are really worrying about what would happen if they go ahead and gift us both equal amounts.

I don’t want to be grabby as they absolutely don’t have to give either of us any money and I’m so very grateful for the offer. I’m thinking about just accepting what my sister wants to do and doing it that way but I don’t actually think it’s fair.

AIBU to think she’s being a bit cheeky and I’m being penalised for wanting to buy where property is cheaper and for having savings of my own.

OP posts:
borlottibeans · 17/09/2018 10:12

Your deposit would buy my (lovely, commutable to Glasgow) flat outright but you couldn't earn a London wage living here! If your sister is going down this route then someone really needs to sit down and do some calculations on average house prices compared to earning potential in each area, to be REALLY fair. Or she could just get a grip.

woollyheart · 17/09/2018 10:16

I helped my child with a small deposit for a flat in London. She later sold it and bought a nice sized house in a cheap area of the UK. Should I be saying 'give me that money back because you didn't need it for the bigger house?

No, of course I didn't. I am delighted that the money I gave has allowed her to make choices.

Your sister has been offered a huge amount of money as a good start. Even in London, she will be able to make choices about where she lives once she factors in a mortgage.

And she may also decide to sell up and move out of London in a few years and buy somewhere much bigger.

Her decision. Nothing to do with you or your parents. And you and your parents don't have to give funding her choices higher priority.

DaffodilPower · 17/09/2018 10:38

Tell your 'D'Sis that you are looking to move to the same area as her, so need the same input.

That's ridiculous. I can't ever imagine my sibling behaving like that.

She is defo a CF!!

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 10:42

Tell your 'D'Sis that you are looking to move to the same area as her, so need the same input.

I wouldn't do this, because it's irrelevant.

If the OP says that's why they should get the same amount and then doesn't move to Surrey, her sister will kick off again and try to make out that the OP "tricked" her parents into giving them the same amount of money.

If the OP says they should get the same amount because that's fundamentally what's fair, that situation doesn't change.

MNOverinvestor · 17/09/2018 10:50

From your post, your DSIS sounds as if she's got a touch of narcissism to her. If she does, giving in to her in this will set up a pattern for the future that could be very damaging.

DaffodilPower · 17/09/2018 11:09

@Ethel, totally agree - it just narks me a bit!

Poor OP having to handle it, and her poor parents, too..

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 17/09/2018 13:28

I agree with the poster up thread that said she's a conniving, thieving bitch.

Baffy · 17/09/2018 13:38

onceandneveragain said above:

Her 'reasoning' doesn't even make sense. She has chosen the 'percentage of average property prices' scenario because it's the one that currently benefits her, but you could just as well argue that the sibling with the better job gets less money, or the younger one (because they can have a longer mortgage term), or the one with a committed partner (because they can share the house price), or the one that plans to have fewer children (because they won't need as big a house). Just point this out to your parents and say you are worried it could get complicated so (if they are still happy to give the money) it would be better to just make it as easy as possible by splitting it.

This!

Confusedbeetle · 17/09/2018 13:39

Your sister is outrageous

CrabbityRabbit · 17/09/2018 16:07

Your sister is a complete bitch and willing to fuck you over for her own benefit.

YANBU.

Ariela · 17/09/2018 16:13

I'd just be delighted, and let sister know you could now afford to move to a more expensive area like her!

FinallyHere · 17/09/2018 16:23

sister is emotionally blackmailing them.

she makes a stink and gets her own way

I would love to know how this sort of behaviour arises. We have something not dissimilar, where everyone appears to tip toe round one member of the extended family. Why does it start, how does it happen?

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 17/09/2018 17:02

You don't need to bring emotion into this absolute nonsense from your sister. I would just state that you'd like to stick to the original agreement. No getting into figures, numbers, locations, postcodes, bedroom sizes, etc!

NervousPotato · 17/09/2018 17:18

What a cow! She is BU. Don’t let her do that to you! Its your future too, not just hers! If she had any sense and really cared about being mortgage free then she would make the move somewhere cheaper like you have. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of her lifestyle choices!

CatboySpeed · 17/09/2018 17:25

Your sister should be fucking grateful she’s getting any money. And yes I would be saying that to her.

Of course you should stick to half and half, as that’s fair. She’s bloody lucky as it is. What a cheeky fucker. I feel sorry for your parents, she is very manipulative.

Littletabbyocelot · 17/09/2018 17:28

I was in a similar situation. One close relative told another they would go no contact with them if their will wasn't rewritten to leave me only a token amount, with the remainder to 'probably' come to me eventually. I didn't want to cause drama. I smiled nicely and told everyone I understood. 20 years later I regret not being honest about how that made me feel. I think being the person who says 'sure, I'm nice, screw me out of huge sums of money and I'll love you anyway' is bad for the soul.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 17:29

I think your sister needs a reminder that on the very wonderful occasion of being gifted £110k, literally the only decent response is gratitude!

SweetheartNeckline · 17/09/2018 17:34

£110,000 is really a life changing sum of money and will greatly advantage the recipient.

Your 'D'Sis is being a total wally about it and probably ruining the feelgood factor for your parents too.

I married a man with a lot of money from an inheritance. My mum and dad still give cash gifts (although more in the £500 region!) equally. Gifts in kind (eg babysitting, taking on holiday, meals out etc) are done on a more case by case basis, as are loans, but I think a straight gift needs to be equal and no-strings.

buttfacedmiscreant · 17/09/2018 17:35

"Dear mum and dad, I wanted to let you know how special it makes me feel that you are doing this generous thing, and how kind you are being to both of us. I know sis has put you in a difficult position by asking for more money and I don't want to add to that, but I do feel that I should tell you that it would make me feel sad if she ended up getting more money because of her behaviour. Again, I am very grateful that you are doing this, it really is a lovely thing.

Coyoacan · 17/09/2018 17:38

What an excellent letter buttfacedmiscreant

Atalune · 17/09/2018 17:39

You’re mum must stand up to her and not entertain it at all.

Also if guy want to be commutable to Glasgow and not in some awful sink estate you will need more money than maybe you’re calculating.....

Atalune · 17/09/2018 17:41

You

Not guy!

Ariclock · 17/09/2018 17:41

Brilliant letter, puts the point across in a really nice way.

Munchyseeds · 17/09/2018 17:46

Should be split equally....is your sister for real??

Onthebrink87 · 17/09/2018 17:46

If i where your mother, you'd get your 50% and your sisters would be set aside for when she's grown the fuck up and swaps her entitled attitude for a more gracious one! Cf