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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my sister? Money gifted from parents

239 replies

R0sesandTulips · 16/09/2018 17:02

My mum and stepdad have had a flat for years which they’ve rented out with the view that sometime after my sister and I finished uni they’d sell it and split the money equally between us (there’s just us two) to ideally help us with a house deposit. Which of course is absolutely amazingly generous.

Due to circumstances my mum and stepdad hadn’t to keep he flat for a few more years (they had lovely tenants with school age kids who they didn’t want to turf out and tenants couldn’t afford to buy at that point so waited until they were able). Of course this is absolutely fine, their flat, their decision. Although my sister was quite vocal in how displeased she was she wasn’t getting the money right then (she’s a year younger and had been right out of uni ) and was fed up that she had to start renting somewhere.

Fast forward to now and the tenants are in a position to buy and my mum and stepdad are excited to be able to give us both sizeable amounts (talking about £110k ish each, incredibly generous) to help with deposits.

The problem my sister now has with this is that I live in a cheaper part of the UK and that money would go a lot further and perhaps even allow me to be mortgage free (I’ve been living in house shares and saving a deposit of my own for 6ish years) whereas where my sister and her DP want to buy it would be a sizeable drop in the total cost, but they would still have a fairly big mortgage).

My sister has rented a flat since second year of uni and has no savings (prefers to spend on a nice flat and holidays etc, again that’s her choice and I don’t judge her for it because everyone’s different.

My sister has started saying that instead of the money being split equally my parents should do it proportionally. I.e if they want to buy a £300k house she should get the £100k and I should get money proportionate to ge house I’m buying. Houses I’m looking at are in the range of £95-120k) so £30-40k. Then split the rest of the money left between us for furnishing and decorating.

My sister is very vocal and had cut off contact with us all for various things in the past that she’s annoyed about I can tell my parents are really worrying about what would happen if they go ahead and gift us both equal amounts.

I don’t want to be grabby as they absolutely don’t have to give either of us any money and I’m so very grateful for the offer. I’m thinking about just accepting what my sister wants to do and doing it that way but I don’t actually think it’s fair.

AIBU to think she’s being a bit cheeky and I’m being penalised for wanting to buy where property is cheaper and for having savings of my own.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 16/09/2018 20:52

Yes, the point is that every time you all roll over and give her what she wants, it makes her worse

It enables her and encourages her as her grabbiness and entitlement is always rewarded

Come on, be strong! It’s ridiculous!

onceandneveragain · 16/09/2018 20:57

Her 'reasoning' doesn't even make sense. She has chosen the 'percentage of average property prices' scenario because it's the one that currently benefits her, but you could just as well argue that the sibling with the better job gets less money, or the younger one (because they can have a longer mortgage term), or the one with a committed partner (because they can share the house price), or the one that plans to have fewer children (because they won't need as big a house). Just point this out to your parents and say you are worried it could get complicated so (if they are still happy to give the money) it would be better to just make it as easy as possible by splitting it.

You sound very fair and generous OP but I do think it would actually be quite cruel of your parents to bow to her pressure and doing this - yes it's entirely up to them what to do with their money but they will essentially be favouring her due to her selfishness and own life choices!

altiara · 16/09/2018 23:16

If I was the OP, I’d be going for at least two thirds as it’s just not fair (add stamping foot) that you haven’t got a partner or a partners parents to buy you a house (add daily mail sad face).
Seriously, she must’ve trodden over you for most of your life, ask for compensation!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/09/2018 23:24

I wouldn't actually do this, but in my mind I would be misquoting Jane Austen. "My dear parents, from this day forth you must be a stranger to one of your daughters. DSis will never speak to you again if you do not give her all the dosh, and I will never speak to you again if you do." Grin

Happityhap · 16/09/2018 23:26

I think your parents are being a bit too nice here. In their position I would say "Do you want 100K or not?" and if she goes no contact then that would be a sign that she doesn't want any money at all.

^^This

The money should be divided equally or your parents should keep it.

Cardiganandcuppa · 16/09/2018 23:32

I think you have united MN!
Your sister is behaving like a spoiled brat. Please don’t let her win this one.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 16/09/2018 23:42

Can’t get over how cheeky your sister is! I wouldn’t dream of suggesting such a thing to my siblings. And I wouldn’t want anything so blatantly unfair. It must be split 50:50.

pallisers · 16/09/2018 23:47

if your parents do what she wants, I would bet money on her or her husband being transferred up north within 5 years, selling the house, making profit and buying in the same market the OP is in.

She really doesn't sound very nice. If I were your parents I might be inclined to put the brakes on any gift for the moment. And this scenario is why I would never promise anything to my children - she saw that flat as hers from the moment your parents mentioned their plans.

If she does manage to extort the extra money from your parents, they and you are in for a lifetime of her extortion. Once she has children your parents will be even more over the barrel with her. they need to sort this out now.

Thatstheendofmytether · 16/09/2018 23:51

Of 9ne of my children suggested this I would probably laugh at them and tell them if they didn't get a grip and stop being suck a grabby shit they would be getting sweet FA

Lalliella · 17/09/2018 00:06

Congratulations OP you are possibly the first ever to unite MN with a 100% call of YANBU for you. Your sister is selfish, entitled and grabby. Your poor parents. They and you should stick to the original plan.

Kisskiss · 17/09/2018 00:16

Wow. Just wow. She’s a greedy selfish grabby cow.

nakedscientist · 17/09/2018 00:26

YANBU

50:50 is the only way.

My dad, before he died tried to give me more in his will than my sis because I have 5 DC and she has none ( not by choice). I said no way totally unfair. We went 50:50 and I'm so glad.

BigBlueBubble · 17/09/2018 00:40

Anything other than an equal split would cause me to go NC with parents and sister. And I’d tell them that too.

cees · 17/09/2018 03:30

Sounds like your sister is holding you all to ransom. Why is everyone afraid she won't speak to them, she is absolutely ridiculous but your parents are worse to let her try to derail their lovely offer by having a tantrum. It's time she didn't get her own way, it might teach her some manners.

MumsGoneToIceland · 17/09/2018 05:01

My question to DSis wou’d be what if you wanted to/had to move down south in future, you would then be massively out of pocket compared to her. Also when her mortgage is paid off she would have so much more equity than you.

If I were your parents and I was gifting my daughter (£110k) and she told me it wasn’t fair/good enough, I would withdraw my offer to her immediately, until she can find some gratitude!!

MumsGoneToIceland · 17/09/2018 05:10

Also, the money doesn’t need to be for a house, you may have other needs. The point is that parenting is about treating your children fairly and to give one £180k. and another £40k would be ridiculously unfair and send a message that one is not as important/loved as the other IMO.

Don’t give in one this one, you’re likely to massively regret it in future and resent your sister/parents too.

Twillow · 17/09/2018 05:14

Definitely grabby. Her circumstances are irrelevant. The only fair way is 50:50.
Put it in perspective to your parents: can you imagine a will that said x gets a bigger share because they live in a more expensive part of the country?

Happityhap · 17/09/2018 06:22

My question to sister would be: What if it was the other way round - sis in Scotland and OP in Surrey? Would she say "Give more to OP."?

And this -
If I were your parents and I was gifting my daughter (£110k) and she told me it wasn’t fair/good enough, I would withdraw my offer to her immediately, until she can find some gratitude!!

inquiquotiokixul · 17/09/2018 08:01

There is nothing to stop her buying a house in Surrey, then in a few years moving to Scotland and buying that (theoretical) nice big farmhouse next door to you that you couldn't afford because she took all the money!

This.

Your parents aim shouldn't be to give each of you 25% of a home suitable for your current life choices. Life choices can change. They should give equal amounts of actual money. The fact that she chooses to spend it on one-fifth of an extremely expensive home whereas you choose to spend it on 100% of a cheap home is irrelevant - you will each have the same wealth on paper and either of you could sell up and swap to the opposite circumstances if you ever chose to do so.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/09/2018 08:30

So your sister's reaction to being gifted £110,00.00 by your mother, is to go 'no contact' with her....?

And your mother thinks thinks she deserves to be rewarded for that, by disadvantaging you - the grateful one?

I don't understand any of this.

GrouchyPreggoLady · 17/09/2018 08:32

😮
If my child was behaving like that, I'd be saying she could suck it and have nothing! What an ungrateful little cow!

emmyrose2000 · 17/09/2018 09:49

YANBU

I'd be utterly ashamed of my child if they behaved like this, and wonder where I went wrong in trying to raise him/her to be a decent human being.

If my parents agreed to the vile child's tantrums I'd never speak to them again. Such blatant favouritism would be unforgivable, and I'd make that perfectly clear to them ASAP. I'd be going NC with my sibling even for suggesting the idea in the first place.

stevesmithsmum · 17/09/2018 09:54

Heya OP.

You’ve done a remarkable thing. Something I’ve never seen. You’ve United MN! It’s unanimous!

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 09:57

Errrr, no, your sister is being a massively cheeky fucker.

Look at it this way. If they split the money proportionally, you get a third of a house worth £100k and she gets a third of a house worth £300k.

Why should you be penalised for her choice to live somewhere more expensive?

Is she aware that most people have to rent before they can afford to buy and they don't usually get given six figure deposits?

Even if she got £30k that would be a 10% deposit on the property she wants, which most people would grab with both hands and accept with grateful thanks.

TownHall · 17/09/2018 10:11

Can't believe you doubted yourself OP😂

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