AIBU or is my sister? Money gifted from parents

[R0sesandTulips]

My mum and stepdad have had a flat for years which they’ve rented out with the view that sometime after my sister and I finished uni they’d sell it and split the money equally between us (there’s just us two) to ideally help us with a house deposit. Which of course is absolutely amazingly generous.

Due to circumstances my mum and stepdad hadn’t to keep he flat for a few more years (they had lovely tenants with school age kids who they didn’t want to turf out and tenants couldn’t afford to buy at that point so waited until they were able). Of course this is absolutely fine, their flat, their decision. Although my sister was quite vocal in how displeased she was she wasn’t getting the money right then (she’s a year younger and had been right out of uni ) and was fed up that she had to start renting somewhere.

Fast forward to now and the tenants are in a position to buy and my mum and stepdad are excited to be able to give us both sizeable amounts (talking about £110k ish each, incredibly generous) to help with deposits.

The problem my sister now has with this is that I live in a cheaper part of the UK and that money would go a lot further and perhaps even allow me to be mortgage free (I’ve been living in house shares and saving a deposit of my own for 6ish years) whereas where my sister and her DP want to buy it would be a sizeable drop in the total cost, but they would still have a fairly big mortgage).

My sister has rented a flat since second year of uni and has no savings (prefers to spend on a nice flat and holidays etc, again that’s her choice and I don’t judge her for it because everyone’s different.

My sister has started saying that instead of the money being split equally my parents should do it proportionally. I.e if they want to buy a £300k house she should get the £100k and I should get money proportionate to ge house I’m buying. Houses I’m looking at are in the range of £95-120k) so £30-40k. Then split the rest of the money left between us for furnishing and decorating.

My sister is very vocal and had cut off contact with us all for various things in the past that she’s annoyed about I can tell my parents are really worrying about what would happen if they go ahead and gift us both equal amounts.

I don’t want to be grabby as they absolutely don’t have to give either of us any money and I’m so very grateful for the offer. I’m thinking about just accepting what my sister wants to do and doing it that way but I don’t actually think it’s fair.

AIBU to think she’s being a bit cheeky and I’m being penalised for wanting to buy where property is cheaper and for having savings of my own.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Op - what has your mum said about all this?

I don’t mean to be nasty but I’m assuming the reason your sister is like this is because she’s been allowed to over the years.

My worry would be that your mum is going to bow to the hissy fits and feet stamping. And I’m sorry but if my mum showed that amount of disregard for me that would seriously damage our relationship.

I get the feeling you’re the ‘stoic’ one. I don’t think you have much choice with your sister! Your mum has probably got into the habit of thinking - it’s ok RosesandTulips will be fine with this. With every injustice and inequality your sister demands.

I just couldn’t put up with that. Your own mother showing you rank so much lower than your sister.

I mentioned the longwinded story of my bitch aunt and uncle earlier because I just wanted to show it’ll continue if it’s allowed. Right up to fucking a blind retiree out of his life savings. That will be your family if you’re not careful.

Honestly some posts really rile me!! I don’t know how you stay so calm

[wafflyversatile]

She's being unreasonable. If it was the other way round would she be saying to give you more than her? No. Don't thinkso.

What if in 5 years time she wants to move somewhere cheaper and you want to move somewhere more expensive? Will she then give some money back? No. No she won't.

Your parents are passing on money to you both. How you spend it is up to you. Tell her you need all of your half because although your house will be cheaper, you intend on decorating it entirely in gold leaf and Swarovski crystals.

[EthelThePiratesDaughter]

One close relative told another they would go no contact with them if their will wasn't rewritten to leave me only a token amount, with the remainder to 'probably' come to me eventually.

[shocked]

This is why you write your will in private and don't let anyone except your solicitor know what is in it until you die.

[DownTownAbbey]

Don't agree to keep the peace. You never know what will happen a few years down the line and whether you'll always be able to afford a higher mortgage. What if you lose your job, fall ill or have to give up work to care for a child or loved one? Would your darling sister hand you back your money (plus the extra equity it's earned for her)? Of course not.

[KateGrey]

Your sister is a money grabbing bitch. Who is a massively cheeky fucker!

[twiglet]

your 26ish+ sister is acting like a massive brat!

Personally I would be having a word with her directly not your parents to say why are you adding stress to their lives and its making you seem very petty and selfish and that she should be grateful to receive anything at all!
It's her choice to live where she does just as its your choice.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

Apart from the fact that this is really unfair, it won't keep the peace will it. They'll always be something else.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

There'll

[ChasedByBees]

I hope your sister doesn’t get rewarded for behaving so terribly.

[PuddinginPerth]

Your sister is a sociopath.

[ShalomJackie]

She is buying with her partner ao ia only funding a half share anyway.


Your parents would be bonkers if they didn't split the proceeds equally!

[FinallyHere]

@buttfacedmiscreant

Great text, I would make a small change

"Dear mum and dad, I wanted to let you know how special it makes me feel that you are doing this generous thing, and how kind you are being to both of us. I know sis has put you in a difficult position by asking for more money and I don't want to add to that.

Instead of but I do feel that I should tell you that it would make me feel sad if she ended up getting more money because of her behaviour.

I would say i really appreciate that you treat us equally and would not think of doing anything else.

Again, I am very grateful that you are doing this, it really is a lovely thing.

[Littletabbyocelot]

Ethel, I know! I wish it had been kept secret. I honestly had no right to expect anything, but the whole process just hurt everyone.

[Mix56]

and as an aside, it will cost you lots more than your sister to fly/train/drive down to see them when they need you in their old age!
or will you sister take on all that ?
as mentioned, there are two of them to finance this commuter Surrey number. it is her wish to move somewhere more expensive, it is not obligatory. what if your job takes you to Edinburgh or Singapore ?
Please do not get walked over

[MissConductUS]

I've seen employees make this kind of argument for pay increases, like "I need a bigger pay rise because I have 3 kids in private school, the boiler needs replacing, etc.". It's not about need, it's about what is fair and equitable. You don't get extra just because you have plans for the money.

[BluebellCockleshell123]

Your sister is being a massive CF grabby cow. My parents would never consider treating any of their children differently and all finances and time have always been evenly split.

I would prefer for my parents to give both of us nothing than to split it unfairly. If it was split unfairly I think it would damage my relationship with my sister....not because of the money but because of her feeling entitled to more. Actually it would already be damaged because she suggested it :(

[Jamiefraserskilt]

Wow. How incredibly generous of your parents.
Your sister has chosen to spend and not save.
You chose the opposite.
Your sister chose to live in a more expensive area.
You chose a cheaper area.
You have chosen different paths and different lives.
Neither should be considered more worthy of this generous gift from your parents.
If it doesn't go as far with her as it will with you, then that is due to her choices.
The only way to be fair is to go 50/50.
Explain this to your mum and dad. You and her are adults not kids fighting over who gets a bigger scoop of icecream! It is about time she took responsibility for her choices and decisions.
If this cannot be settled without your sister throwing a flounce and going nc if I was mum I would withdraw my kind offer of 50% and make her wait for her bit until she has grown up and realised whose cash it is and whose decision it is what they do with it. Take it or leave it but please don't let them bow to her bidding just because she has history of kicking off!

[Atalune]

it’s not about need it’s abot being fair and equitable

Who knows what’s coming down the line for either of you.

Your sister needs to shape the hell up. What a nasty thing to do.

Your mum MUST stand her ground.

[firstworldproblems2018]

YANBU at all, and your sister is being ridiculous. 50/50 is the only fair option.

[SkippedALightFandango]

My dad was disinherited in favour of his brother because he put on a brave face when his mum asked if he was “ok”. Now I feel history is set to repeat itself as dad keeps telling me how worried he is about my sisters as they have no pension provisions and will be facing poverty in their old age whereas I have a pension. If it happens I won’t fight it but will be doubly hurt as he experienced this firsthand and knows how it affected him. Money doesn’t equal love but we’re only human and if we are left out it hurts.

[Mix56]

Skipped, you should say just that to him, you have worked & paid into a pension, your sisters have not taken that precaution, & lived better for it.
they made those decisions

[Pheasantplucker2]

Dear sis

I absolutely agree we should split the money proportionally. I've found a house in central Glasgow I'd like to buy, it's this one (link) which is on the market for £450k. I also think we should take into account that you have 2 people with earning potential, as well as the ability to inherit from your DH's parents at some point. So your property is £300k, but you'll share that with DH, so your liability is £150k. So I this it's fair to share the money 2/3rds to me, as I am more at risk, being on my own, and 1/3rd to you. Let's call it £145k to me and £75k to you. Then it's likely that your DH will inherit at least £50k from his parents. That's a further £25k to you, so I think we should split the difference and parents should give me another £12.5k, because otherwise it's not fair. Let me know what you think. Lots of love sis x

When you get the inevitable squawks of horror, say "ok, on reflection, it does seem fairer to split it 50/50. That way we can both be grateful for this immensely generous gift and not fall out with each other, or feel that one has been treated unfair lying. What do you think?

Your sis sounds greedy and grasping. No way would I let her demand more for a quiet life. I feel really sorry for your parents, what a way to tarnish an unbelievably kind gesture.

[Holidayshopping]

I can’t believe your parents are even contemplating this-do they have a history of indulging her at your expense?

They have raised a bloody monster if so. How sad if they can’t see it.

[MeteorGarden]

That’s totally ridculous and in the same situation I would be laying out to my parents that if they give in to her being a total CF then I would be cutting contact,

It’s not about the money it’s about your sister being a giant unreasonable ass! Tbh she sounds terrible and I’m 25 with my own home and good career so ‘she’s just young and selfish’ doesn’t cut it with me!

I’d put DS back in her place quickly and suggest that locations aren’t fixed forever, you may move down south one day equally she may move somewhere cheaper, in which case she would have been unfairly advantaged. Living somewhere more expensive is her choice, has nothing to do with you and if she doesn’t like that she can sod right off!

[kateandme]

pheasantplucker2 I wish I'm op brave this!