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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum at school making me feel crap!

521 replies

VillianInaDress · 16/09/2018 13:55

Hello everyone. I want to start by saying I'm not a nutter but I am very confused about this mum at school and how she makes me feel. I live in a very affluent and pretty village in Derbyshire. DS1 and DS2 go to the local school which is a wonderful place DH has a great job and I run my own little business from home so I am very happy in general. Since school started, there is this mum, and I had heard about her previously but not really seen her. I only saw her this last week or two and I am going to sound so pathetic here but, she makes me feel like crap. Every single time I've seen her since school has started again I've just stared and felt like a right frump in comparison. I thought she was about 25 found out on Friday that she's nearer 40. She doesn't dress inappropriately but her legs and bottom look amazing in just a pair of leggings! WTF? She wears heels every single day, every day! And I've seen her run into the playground wearing these heels!!! Shas 3 kids, one has just started reception and from what I know she is divorced.
She makes everything look so easy. Her kids always look immaculate with best hair and clothes. Oh and packed lunches for all 3 and my DS has told me that she puts notes on little napkins for them and sometimes they even bring in homemade goodies rather then the soggy cheese sandwiches I give to my kids. I've been told she is doing a degree in law AND she's a freakin school governor and she just looks gorgeous every single day!!!! How? And why am I feeling like this?
Most of the other mums say nasty things about her because apparently she's not very friendly and even I see she just brings her 3 DDs and then leaves without talking to anyone. But my DS is friendly with her oldest DD and from what he tells me her DD is really kind and not like other typical 10 /11 year old girls so this mum must be doing something right?
I want to say hello to her because maybe she's lonely? Or maybe I am? To make it worse, DH knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned her to hin and he said all the dads at school drool over her which made me wonder if he does too? I've only had 2 children and I am only 29 but I look older then this other mum who has a good 10 years on me. I am normally not like this, why does this mum make me feel so inadequate? She doesn't come across as stuck up, more just not wanting to get involved but then why does she make such an effort to look so good if she doesn't care what others have to say about her? Why does she affect me this way? I now feel paranoid about letting my husband go to the school in case he sees her and thinks how unattractive and lazy I am compared to her AND the heels!

Help!!!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2018 16:35

Why should I stick up for someone?

Read what I said.

You said "It's intimidating and, actually, we do give a shit."

Therefore I said "I'm not sure why you're taking it upon yourself to speak for a woman who you don't know and who the OP hasn't even so much as said hello to.*

This thread is not about you. It's about a very busy woman that the OP clearly dislikes and who has admitted she's jealous of.

I'm going to hazard a guess the woman would rather stick hot spoons up her arse, than go for the coffee you suggested with the OP.

calpop · 16/09/2018 16:36

I know lots of women that look and act like this. As others have said, by the time you get to 40, most have just been there and done especially if they are are on kid number 3. They will be busy juggling any or possibly all of the following: other kids, other schools, older kids exams, uni applications, homework, teenagers, a demanding job, getting to work on time, the menopause, looking after elderly parents, divorce, infidelity, housework, bereavement, illness etc etc. It's very, very unlikely to be a personal dig at you.

Like the woman I know who parades her wealth in flash cars, goes on about her business class holidays, has surgery to look good and makes many of the younger school mums feel inferior, but is actually battling a severe eating disorder and has a majorly controlling husband who hits her. Appearances aren't everything OP.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 16/09/2018 16:38

I find it very hard to believe that the dads go to the pub and talk about how they wish their wives would make more of an effort. Have you ever listened into a male pub chat? Believe me, they are talking about football, David Bowie, the superiority of vinyl and the quality of beer in their glass. They are not talking about your Mum bob or how your cellulite looks in leggings.

OP, I'd suggest you use the energy generated by this ill feeling to do something about your fitness, your clothes and the quality of your packed lunches. I don't see how running a little business from home means you don't have time to make a few scones or a tray of flapjacks.

If you can't be arsed, fair enough - but that's not Hot Mum's fault - it's yours.

Viviennemary · 16/09/2018 16:40

I didn't know there were any affluent villages in Derbyshire. Still. If she wants to get dressed up like a dogs dinner everytime she leaves the house let her get on with it. It doesn't have to bother you.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 16:41

Although I don't know why I'm getting involved in this thread, as the 'dream' was a step too far

Cos it's the the thread that just keeps giving 🤣

DotForShort · 16/09/2018 16:41

I'm going to hazard a guess the woman would rather stick hot spoons up her arse, than go for the coffee you suggested with the OP.

Seconded.

Noqont · 16/09/2018 16:42

I wouldn't stop to have a 'friendly' chat with people who were staring at me either. Jeez. Get over yourself. Either go and introduce yourself to the woman and be nice, or leave her in peace. These issues are yours, not hers.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 16:42

I didn't know there were any affluent villages in Derbyshire. Still. If she wants to get dressed up like a dogs dinner everytime she leaves the house let her get on with it

Ouch 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 16:43

I'm going to hazard a guess the woman would rather stick hot spoons up her arse, than go for the coffee you suggested with the OP

Thirded.

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/09/2018 16:43

I had a friend who just made everything look easy op. Similar to your situation
Fabulous job. Glamorous look gorgeous house kids and devoted husband
But no one saw the price she had to pay- she hardly saw her kids house had to be immaculate all the time as she never knew who was coming for a meal on any given day and often broke down under the stress
She barely held it together but had to to make it look good She left the job in the end for her own sanity

What I’m saying is sometimes things aren’t what they seem from the outside

Courtney555 · 16/09/2018 16:44

@Rach182 thank you, means a lot, I hope it's food for thought for a few people xx

Ski4130 · 16/09/2018 16:45

This woman's not making you feel any way op, you're making yourself feel the way you do. Sounds to me like she'd be too busy to give you a second thought, maybe you could do her the same courtesy?!

Viviennemary · 16/09/2018 16:49

I was only being mean about Derbyshire to see if anybody would notice. And I agree that men don't talk about what women wear that much. On a more serious note. You need a balance in your life and to get things in perspective and don't focus to much on other people's lives and what they're up to.

martian1990 · 16/09/2018 16:50

What people wear for the school run is their choice- my DS has just started Year 4. Mums have seen me dressed up to the nines, in my slobs because I’ve just rolled out of bed because sometimes I like to be a lazy fucker all day, in gym gear and most likely in a pair of jeans/t shirt and ballet flats. If she wants to wear high heels for the school run, let her crack on.

As for your husband ogling at her- so what? It doesn’t immediately mean your husband is going to have an affair because he takes a second glance at someone he finds attractive. Just this morning I had to check out the personal trainer walking in to the gym. Very much in love with my DH and wouldn’t cheat on him.

As for her physique- she probably spends the time you do slagging others off on mumsnet down the gym

ALongHardWinter · 16/09/2018 16:50

Christ almighty! So much nastiness on this thread.

Emmageddon · 16/09/2018 16:51

I didn't know there were any affluent villages in Derbyshire

Matlock Bath, Castleton, Edale, Bakewell - full to the brim of slender 40ish mums wearing leggings and heels, homebaking and being perfect and making all the other mums feel jealous.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 16:51

If by Some remote chance this is real then the woman's age plays a part. By the time you're 40, and on to your third, then you probably do have it together enough not to give a shit about the school gate mums.

MistressDeeCee · 16/09/2018 16:54

"Making" you feel crap?!

She's not done a thing to you

The will of some women to be woman-hating collectives just because another woman looks nice/attractive and is doing well never ceases to amaze me.

I'm.not surprised she doesn't seem friendly. The his want to be friends with haters? Why should she?

Ridiculous people who need to get a life and hobby/interest springs to mind

viques · 16/09/2018 16:57

all the dads say how great it would be if their wives all made the same effort

I think you have outed yourself OP. Is this lovely village in Derbyshire called Stepford by any chance?

If it isn't btw you all need to severely to your ungrateful, mysogynist, thigh rubbing men.

viques · 16/09/2018 16:59

Speak severely.

ShadyLady53 · 16/09/2018 17:00

God, the poor woman. "Does she have to shine so brightly?" What a thing to say! She's obviously a very attractive woman who enjoys taking a pride in herself and her children and is apparently a good mother. She doesn't deserve having a bunch of mum's being jealous of her to the point of exclusion and a bunch of dad's lusting after her. It's just horrible. Deal with your envy and let her live her life shining as brightly as she bloody well wishes.

Needahairbrush · 16/09/2018 17:03

Good god.
Thank Fuck I work FT and very rarely get to do school pick ups if this is the judgemental shite that goes on

Violetroselily · 16/09/2018 17:09

I'm trying to imagine leggings and heels being a good look

Surely not together?

ontheearth · 16/09/2018 17:12

I grew up in an affluent village in Derbyshire and basically all the mums and dads are having, respectively, very mean and very sexist conversations as OP describes. And their fashion sense would definitely accommodate leggings and heels being the envy of the playground.

rightknockered · 16/09/2018 17:13

I'm the equivalent of that mum at my dc's school. I rarely talk to other mums and am selective with who I chat to, basically non judgey that don't stare at me and roll their eyes at me. The men might look and stare at me but I ignore. I usually wear trainers though. And a lot of mums are shocked at my age, I'm at least ten years older than most of them. They also gossip about me, I've given up with all of that.
I love it when other mums just chat to me. Most of the time I feel likely and I hate being stared at by the dads. It's harassment. Tell your DH to stop that

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