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Original poster

Mum at school making me feel crap!

521 replies

VillianInaDress · 16/09/2018 13:55

Hello everyone. I want to start by saying I'm not a nutter but I am very confused about this mum at school and how she makes me feel. I live in a very affluent and pretty village in Derbyshire. DS1 and DS2 go to the local school which is a wonderful place DH has a great job and I run my own little business from home so I am very happy in general. Since school started, there is this mum, and I had heard about her previously but not really seen her. I only saw her this last week or two and I am going to sound so pathetic here but, she makes me feel like crap. Every single time I've seen her since school has started again I've just stared and felt like a right frump in comparison. I thought she was about 25 found out on Friday that she's nearer 40. She doesn't dress inappropriately but her legs and bottom look amazing in just a pair of leggings! WTF? She wears heels every single day, every day! And I've seen her run into the playground wearing these heels!!! Shas 3 kids, one has just started reception and from what I know she is divorced.
She makes everything look so easy. Her kids always look immaculate with best hair and clothes. Oh and packed lunches for all 3 and my DS has told me that she puts notes on little napkins for them and sometimes they even bring in homemade goodies rather then the soggy cheese sandwiches I give to my kids. I've been told she is doing a degree in law AND she's a freakin school governor and she just looks gorgeous every single day!!!! How? And why am I feeling like this?
Most of the other mums say nasty things about her because apparently she's not very friendly and even I see she just brings her 3 DDs and then leaves without talking to anyone. But my DS is friendly with her oldest DD and from what he tells me her DD is really kind and not like other typical 10 /11 year old girls so this mum must be doing something right?
I want to say hello to her because maybe she's lonely? Or maybe I am? To make it worse, DH knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned her to hin and he said all the dads at school drool over her which made me wonder if he does too? I've only had 2 children and I am only 29 but I look older then this other mum who has a good 10 years on me. I am normally not like this, why does this mum make me feel so inadequate? She doesn't come across as stuck up, more just not wanting to get involved but then why does she make such an effort to look so good if she doesn't care what others have to say about her? Why does she affect me this way? I now feel paranoid about letting my husband go to the school in case he sees her and thinks how unattractive and lazy I am compared to her AND the heels!

Help!!!!

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 17/09/2018 08:00

God how do you even notice? Maybe I am self absorbed but I can't imagine why a random who you happen to intersect with can trigger such strong emotions! When I pick my kids up my head is full of work worries, what to give them for tea, oh look theres x need to tell her y" - what a woman I don't really know is wearing is not even on the radar.

LyndorCake · 17/09/2018 08:03

Tag line for this thread:
Don't hate me coz you ain't me

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 08:11

Bumble to be fair, your argument is illogical given the thread subject matter. This is about a woman who is stared at and bad mouthed by the other mums due to primarily how she's looks.

Your view appears to be she should not in some way know this, notice it, or attribute it to her looks, and if she does then she is not actually attractive? It makes no sense. Of course she notices it, and I'm fairly sure she knows why.

Attractive people know they are attractive. Of course they don't run around saying everyone hates me as in attracrive and no of course self worth shouldn't be about looks, but being attractive is a positive attribute to have. It doesn't mean it's your only one. You can also be intelligent, kind, whatever, being attractive does not preclude other good qualities, nor does it render one an idiot, who cannot understand the reactions around you from other woman. It does not mean you cannot read a situation accurately.

linkylink · 17/09/2018 08:24

Used to do modelling when younger, more of the awkward, tall, skinny type. Some of my peers (now friends) were/are in the wake up beautiful club. They are a rare breed but they do exist.

scatteredglitter · 17/09/2018 08:35

Why is it that she might only seem likeable if there s a shitty back story behind the scenes ?

What if she s just had to be super organised because she s a single mum, she put notes in lunchboxes because she loves her kids, she has on days and off days but hey she can walk in heels and looks good at the school gate. She sounds like she would be better off without the cackling jealous mob and their leering hubbies by what the OP has said.

I can totally see why she doesn't bother to chat with the others at the gate if that s the story

raisedbyguineapigs · 17/09/2018 08:39

Spot on scatteredglitter.

linkylink · 17/09/2018 09:21

Still reading the thread, but I need to switch schools! Drop off is like a fashion show at mine, I tend to roll out of bed & pull on whatever is closest. I shower & get dressed after drop off, much more relaxing.

linkylink · 17/09/2018 09:36

I have to agree with the poster who commented on other posters saying other women hated them because they were beautiful. I don’t see this at all, people are generally nicer to you & more eager to be friends.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 09:43

Generally , maybe, but this is not true of all. The whole subject matter of the thread is about a woman who is stared at and bad mouthed because of what she looks like.

bobstersmum · 17/09/2018 09:43

Before I had my own children, I used to do the school run two days a week with my step daughter, I was young and glam then (not any more!) I had a job that meant I worked 3 long days so had the rest of the week off. Even though I did the school run from her being in reception to leaving school, none of the other mums ever spoke to me, none. I tried to make conversation but was either cut short or basically ignored. I dreaded those days, the pick up was the worst standing there on my own with no one to talk to feeling like the other mums were bitching about me. I was always paranoid that it was because I didn't have any biological children of my own, I wasn't in their club, that made my fertility issues even more heartbreaking. Looking back maybe they were just bitchy because I turned up looking fresh when they felt crap (like I do now doing the school run with three dc 5 and under!)
What I'm saying is you don't know anything about this woman's life. Ok she looks amazing. She might not feel so great.

mummyhaschangedhername · 17/09/2018 09:44

Wow ... how horrible. Firstly, you have no idea about this woman's life, the fact she is divorced probably suggests it's not all been plain sailing like you stated. Plus the fact everyone ignores her. But I can't believe you write a thread to say this woman is making you feel crap when she has done absolutely nothing to you, does she even know you exist.

linkylink · 17/09/2018 09:45

Bluntness100 I thought this thread was fake?

rainbowsandsmiles · 17/09/2018 09:55

I know it's still all probably fake, but who actually notices or cares what other people are wearing on the school run? I mean, who gives a shit?! The pp - "like a fashion show." I'm honestly glad I don't care about anything like that as the amount of negative headspace it must take up worrying about or noticing stuff like that!

linkylink · 17/09/2018 10:01

rainbowsandsmiles I said mine was like a fashion show eh lots of Gucci at the mo*. it wasn’t meant negatively, I like it. I was pointing out that I’m often the odd one out & this supermum would fit right in.

*I also have a Gucci bag so not knocking it.

Mummyonamission18 · 17/09/2018 11:04

To be honest, I think she sounds pretty lonely, what would be wrong with breaking the ice. Ask her for a coffee post school run (She might invite you home and give you some of her tasty goodies).

As for the dads, boys will be boys, they aren't really doing anything wrong, and likewise neither is the mum.

Original poster
VillianInaDress · 17/09/2018 11:33

I was actually going to say hello to her this morning but I didn't see her at school. After a restless nights sleep I feel pretty bad about myself and how ive handled it all. I have got caught up in other mums and their opinions because when your new on the playground like my family was when we moved here you are desperate to be accepted. I do feel bad and I have realised alot of things about myself so to the people who gave me advice you have really helped. I am going to try with this other mum. The problem is that I know just how much she is judged and talked about and maybe she knows and so she might not talk to me. Any advice?
Oh yeah the leggings and heels she makes it look so good. Sadly even when she's dressed up in dresses or other things we have still bitched about her. I dont feel proud admitting that.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 17/09/2018 11:41

I am going to try with this other mum. The problem is that I know just how much she is judged and talked about and maybe she knows and so she might not talk to me. Any advice?

Try, but if she seems like she doesn't want to talk to you then leave her alone. She shouldn't want to talk to you, tbh, you've all been being horrible.

itdoesntmatterwhereimfrom · 17/09/2018 11:42

Start by just saying good morning/afternoon. If your little ones are similar ages, maybe they will break the ice. Ask her a question or her opinion about something going on in the school.

She might be welcoming or she might be fed up with the lot of you and not interested at all.

pigeondujour · 17/09/2018 11:49

Actually, I think the best lesson to take from this is 'be kind'. It's really easy to let envy make you be unkind, it's like your brain going on the defensive - don't let it. Use envy to motivate you to make women you admire your friends.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2018 11:56

I'm glad you've decided to try to speak to her. Don't be discouraged if she's a bit offhand to start with, she may be wary of your intentions.
Just start chatting to her about general shiz, see how it goes for you.

unsaltedmixednuts · 17/09/2018 12:52

Gang mentality with the other mothers Hmm.

Can you imagine the same happening if there was a good looking dad and all the dads dropped off, feel ashamed to be female sometimes.

Raver84 · 17/09/2018 12:56

Leave her alone. I think you are only trying to be friends so you can find out about her and probably hate her all the more and gossip with the other mums who are boring and have too much time on their hands. Just leave her alone ffs she dosnt like you and you don't like her. Buy yourself some leggins and make up and concentrate on you self not her. It's just weird.

spacefighter · 17/09/2018 13:00

I thank my lucky stars most of the mums I talk to at school don't bitch about the other parents. God it's like being back at school again yourself!

Andtheresaw · 17/09/2018 13:07

I hear you OP.
When my eldest was at nursery there was one other Mum who just always looked as if she was holding everything together so well. One of those people who always looks groomed and walked confidently. She could actually use her sunglasses as a hairband without them falling down/off as they would do for me. All of that stuff.
After a couple of years of not speaking we ended up at the same school open evening and got chatting: she didn't talk to the other Mums because she felt judged, whereas I hadn't spoken to her because I was judging myself by what I presumed her standards were, if that makes sense.

She told me the following story about her life: She dropped her child at nursery, jumped in car and drove 2 hours to business meeting in power suit/Golf GTI. Took briefcase from back of car, went in to meeting. She smiled and confidently shook the hand of potential client, who said 'erm, what's that?' while pointing to the half eaten banana that she had carried on her left shoulder all the way across the country.

Everyone has good days and bad ones. You may be about to make a new friend OP. Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 13:12

Yeah she knows.

But make the effort anyway, just don't do anything like go too far and ask her for coffee or some such shit, just smile, say hi, maybe make a comment about the weather or something and take it from there.

And stop bitching with these other mums about her. It's beyond shitty behaviour. I mean, my blood curdles at the thought of you all slagging this woman off becayse she dares to look good.

It's horrible bullying. No wonder she cuts and runs.