Mum at school making me feel crap!

[VillianInaDress]

Hello everyone. I want to start by saying I'm not a nutter but I am very confused about this mum at school and how she makes me feel. I live in a very affluent and pretty village in Derbyshire. DS1 and DS2 go to the local school which is a wonderful place DH has a great job and I run my own little business from home so I am very happy in general. Since school started, there is this mum, and I had heard about her previously but not really seen her. I only saw her this last week or two and I am going to sound so pathetic here but, she makes me feel like crap. Every single time I've seen her since school has started again I've just stared and felt like a right frump in comparison. I thought she was about 25 found out on Friday that she's nearer 40. She doesn't dress inappropriately but her legs and bottom look amazing in just a pair of leggings! WTF? She wears heels every single day, every day! And I've seen her run into the playground wearing these heels!!! Shas 3 kids, one has just started reception and from what I know she is divorced.
She makes everything look so easy. Her kids always look immaculate with best hair and clothes. Oh and packed lunches for all 3 and my DS has told me that she puts notes on little napkins for them and sometimes they even bring in homemade goodies rather then the soggy cheese sandwiches I give to my kids. I've been told she is doing a degree in law AND she's a freakin school governor and she just looks gorgeous every single day!!!! How? And why am I feeling like this?
Most of the other mums say nasty things about her because apparently she's not very friendly and even I see she just brings her 3 DDs and then leaves without talking to anyone. But my DS is friendly with her oldest DD and from what he tells me her DD is really kind and not like other typical 10 /11 year old girls so this mum must be doing something right?
I want to say hello to her because maybe she's lonely? Or maybe I am? To make it worse, DH knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned her to hin and he said all the dads at school drool over her which made me wonder if he does too? I've only had 2 children and I am only 29 but I look older then this other mum who has a good 10 years on me. I am normally not like this, why does this mum make me feel so inadequate? She doesn't come across as stuck up, more just not wanting to get involved but then why does she make such an effort to look so good if she doesn't care what others have to say about her? Why does she affect me this way? I now feel paranoid about letting my husband go to the school in case he sees her and thinks how unattractive and lazy I am compared to her AND the heels!

Help!!!!

You sound insane OP... and this is a VERY outing post, almost seems deliberately outing....

Give your head a wobble.

some people really do just sail through life

Please read all the comments from all the folk who have posted and have a think. You are making soooo many assumptions about a woman you only know vague "facts" about from bitchy saddos who are as bored as you
I once envied a stunningly beautiful mother of two super clever children , she was well off, and married to a man who looked like, and was as funny as george Clooney . She baked and did crafts with her delightful kids.... God I was soooo well jel, until last weekend when I found out she has bowel cancer now after having Brest cancer and is unlikely to survive
My best mate dresses like a super model and everyone envies her body, only I know she is a sex abuse survivor and nearly didn't survive as she was suicidal in her teens, to everyone at the school gates she is the happiest, trendiest woman with a high powered job
Also if your OH really did say "all the husbands wished their wives made more effort" ( personally I think you invented that in your head) but if he really did come home and say that his is a total prick and he is the first problem you could start with.

My DD just started school and I am horrified by the scrutiny you say she is under.

I drop off or pick up and leave mostly. There's one mum I chat to as we have friends in common and knew of each other but I have seen her dolled up and in scruffs - I couldn't give a shit.

I'm not the most confident person on the planet but how on earth has your self esteem plummeted to this extent and your world become so small that her perceived success is so important to you? Get a hobby, start a fitness programme, anything for you but fgs stop over thinking this.

Yes I tend to judge people on whether I like them as a person.
Not on their dress. Not on their looks. Its just never occurred to me.
I would never assume someone didn’t like me because they were jealous of me for whatever reason. And I think young people should never ever be taught to base their self worth/confidence on their looks.

So maybe I am privileged. I will take that actually, I like my outlook, I think it’s healthy.

Yes. Indeed.... I will accept my fat privilege with a big

Honestly right, maybe just try forgetting what anyone else thinks of you and your beauty and your dress, or not dress if you go for trousers.
By the sounds of things the only one placing so much on your self esteem and looks is you.
Be pleasant to people who are pleasant back. Don’t worry about the rest. And wear what you like. Any non shallow, secure person won’t care.

CBA to read the whole thread but I really hope this isn't real.

If it is, however, then this mum hasn't actually done anything to you and doesn't warrant the bitching that she's getting from the school mums and you. How do you know she's smug if you've not spoken to her before? Why does disappearing after dropping the kids off make her smug or unfriendly or whatever negative term is being used to describe her? Really, I think you should just concentrate on you and leave her be.

No wonder she doesn't hang around to chat with other mums.

Don't be envious of what she has, you don't know her.

I do just dress as I please, but this type of bullying is something that happens irl to many of us. To belittle it, and blame it on the victim by telling them it is all in their own perception, is the kind of gaslighting that stops it from being addressed. So you need to look at your own attitude to this. The fault lies with you. Not with me.

I genuinely don’t understand why this affects you. Who cares what someone else does? It has no relevance to your life. If you want to do more then do more if you don’t tben don’t.

I really don’t like the ‘I bet her life is shit / empty / unhappy’ posts. Maybe it’s not maybe she’s really happy and together - why do we have to wish Ill on people doing well. Life’s not a bloody competition with only one winner.

I am not at any fault.
Once again I have never been unpleasant to anyone because of how they look.

You are the one who has suggested self worth should be attributed in part to looks. Which I do not agree with at all. I do think it’s bigheaded to go On about how beautiful you think you are. Modestly is a desirable quality.

And tbh, you are the one getting worked up about what to wear for the school run 🤷‍♀️ I don’t have any problem at all.
If you really believe you are bullied for being beautiful, take it up with the people you perceive to be bullying you. Do something about it, instead of whinging online about how hard it is, then in the next breath saying self worth should be linked to looks.

Anyway that’s all I’m saying on the matter.
The thread is being derailed.
Let’s hope the op, who clearly does have some self esteem issues, takes some of the advice on board.

You have been thoroughly unpleasant to me, making all sorts of assumptions. Modesty is just a fake non-quality, foisted upon people that need to be kept down. Why do you think that is? And why is it always women that need to be modest about what they look like? I may or may not be objectively beautiful, but what is important is that I should be happy with what I look like. But you would have me be insecure, because you value 'modesty'. What is modesty?
You want to live in a world where appearance doesn't matter, yet you despise anyone that has to live a different experience. I take it that you have non-threatening looks and body, that no-one requires you to cover up, because you fall comfortably in the middle. That's nice for you.

And you derailed this thread by making it about me, and my attitude to my looks. Because you think I should be modest. Because you value modesty. Well I don't. It's a misogynistic concept. Take a hard look at yourself

Why don't you make the effort to get to know her, you might be pleasantly surprised and you should never judge a person based on the opinions of others especially tittle tattle you've heard in the school playground.

I'm fat and 40+ with a few grey hairs but I never feel insecure about standing next to someone who more attractive than me. Why? because I am comfortable in my own skin and I don't begrudge someone their beauty, confidence, success or whatever else positive they have going for them in their life. If anything, I admire them for it.

Work on brightening your own light and not trying to dim the lights of others.

Focus on building your own self up OP. I hope this Mum is just happy in her own skin and nice heels!

Don't suggest DH does any playdates

Wrong again right. would be uncomfortable with a man who was boastful about his appearance. Or people who are boastful about anything. Whether that be wealth, a Car, handbag. I just avoid people like this.
I don’t think that’s a mysoginistic attitude.
I don’t expect you to be modest. But if I met you I wouldn’t like you. And not because of the way you look.
As said previously I make the best of my appearance. But it is not myself worth, unlike you who believes that it should be.
Maybe it’s you with the mysoginistic attitude? After all, you are the one suggesting to me that my average body and looks, that you have decided I have, are as you put it non threatening.
Who are you to tell me I’m not beautiful just because, according to you, I am average.
Now I’d say that smacks of mysogonism.
You sound about as shallow as a small puddle my dear. And you wonder why people dislike you.

It amazes me that she has to be miserable to make other people feel better. She can't be happy, comfortable or settles. She has to be miserable and hiding her pain. Not everyone is. Most people I know aren't. Everyone has some degree of self doubt, but for most it's not crippling. She's juts a person doing her thing. I'm amazed that she is lucky/unlucky depending on the view and not juts getting on with minutiae like most of us are from most pp's

To all those women who wind up up other women just because they look good.....stuff em!

Yeah. I'm polishing my "I'm gorgeous and I know it" badge as I type.

• After all, you are the one suggesting to me that my average body and looks, that you have decided I have, are as you put it non threatening. Who are you to tell me I’m not beautiful just because, according to you, I am average. Now I’d say that smacks of mysogonism. *

This verges on nonsensical.

Blimey, you girls are still at it??

I just had a lovely 9 hour sleep. Maybe that's why I look so good on the school run

Good luck on the school run op

Pigeon my point is who is she to say that a person with average looks cant stand out because they fall in the middle.
It buys into a certain ideal of beauty, which I think always has an element of misogynism.
It certainly is more so than anything I said about the quality of being humble. (Which is not about covering up either right )
Now do enjoy the school run I hope you don’t get too upset on the way.

I agree with a lot of people on this thread- it's your own self esteem which is making you feel this way, she isn't.
I used to constantly compare myself to everyone else but after realising I'm only 20 and had a baby 4 months ago, I look damn good and everyone else agrees. I have plenty of time to make improvements to myself if I deem it necessary.
I'm sure you look great, OP. You're 29 with two kids, realistically the whole world is in your hands. Block the bad thoughts out and may be try to talk to this woman. I'm sure she'd appreciate a new friend. And if she talks down to you, give yourself the gratification that at least you're a nicer person than her.
Talk to her and give her a chance. Maybe she feels the same way you do.

Gosh I look good today. Even though my youngest kept me up half the night. Gorgeous and I know it

It's not fair really is it. Some people really do just sail through life.

Eh? I've not read the full thread, but that is quite unfair. As in your statement. You don't know that she's sailed through life, or that she is sailing through life. Also, I suspect she doesn't stop to chat because she senses hostility and is probably a bit snowed under.

I can remember a girl I worked with telling me that I didn't know what it was like to feel pain, I'd had an easy ride etc. At the time, I was grieving and managing an ED. I know it's supremely cheesy, but there can be a lot going on beneath the surface.

I've been there on the feeling jealousy front myself and it's always, always better to zero in on yourself rather than the other person. It chips away at you unnecessarily otherwise. Definitely find a confidence-boosting activity and shut out school gate gossip. It's very toxic.

Poor woman - no wonder she doesn’t bother talking to anyone in the playground!!

Are you planning to write a novel OP?