Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

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Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

Its creepy and crosses a line. He cannot say if she wants him not to have the key she pays full rent that is controlling.

You will lose your daughter - she will go - if you dont stand up for her. This is not good behaviour, but I suspect you have been putting up with it for awhile

I don’t know why you haven’t said anything to him properly? Just tell him it’s not on and is making her unhappy and you can see why

Opinions please? You are a very creepy couple - what does he have planned for Halloween? Your poor daughter

You are a very creepy couple

FFS, OP is not creepy. She is not an extension of her husband. OP said in her OP she always asks beofr going to DD's and also does not feel entitled to a key.

If he was being helpful he wouldn't be threatening her with full rent.

He knows full well that helpfulness is not his motivation - so do you, so does your dd. This will affect her relationship with him forever. You need to TELL him to stop it right now, give his key back and treat her tenancy professionally.

He is being controlling, intrusive, interefering and his behaviour is completely unacceptable. She is a tenant.

My guess is that it is an extension of the 'my house, my rules' and 'not under my roof' mentality. He believes her living in your property gives him the same control over her he would exert in your home - in particular, control over whether she has sexual partners staying over or living with her. He wants to 'keep an eye on her' - whether she wants him to or not.

Do you have older teenagers at home? With them, or with dd before she left, were overnight visitors allowed?

This could be, probably is, about still seeing her as a child and not letting go of that. Thinking she needs help, rather than trusting her to speak up when help is needed. But, she's 24 FFS, not even student-age, a proper grown-up.

For a different perspective though, look at the many threads on here about the acceptability or otherwise of 'dropping in' unannounced. You'll see many haters but also many, many people who think it's normal for family members to turn up and just walk into their home.

Letting yourself in with a key is a step further - especially when the person might be home and choosing not to answer the door. That's where it gets really, really wrong.

Does have reason to believe she won't be looking after it?

I would probably start leaving sex toys around and invite a male friend to sleep in my bed when he usually ops by.

I think your right to charge her rent because your teaching her responsibility but if your husband wants to walk in whenever he wants you have NO right taking rent from her, paying rent whatever amount you charge her makes it HERS so tell your husband how would you feel if you walked in on our daughter fully nude or even DTD? Because I'm sure she wouldn't want to look you in the eye ever again. All he is going to do is ruin his relationship with his daughter leading to problems in your marriage so ask him
If that's what he wants, ask him how he would feel if a family members walked into his bedroom at all hours unannounced

Does your daughter have a proper, legal, written tenancy agreemant? She should have.
She also has every right to change the locks (unless said tenancy agreement says she can’t, in which case the landlord still don’t have the right to a key).
If your husband charged full rent on his half of her flat and you chose to charge nothing on your half, would that work?

But I’d be having a serious talk with him about a) how he imagines his relationship with her will be when she is finally independent of him, and b) what lessons he is teaching her about male dominance and how he’d feel if her boyfriend refused to give her privacy

Even if she doesn’t have a written tenancy, as she pays rent a contract has been formed and she is entitled to the same rights as any other tenant, including the right to quiet enjoyment and right to say no to a landlords visit when it isn’t an emergency. He also can’t just change the rent without serving the proper notices.

Lower rent does not erode those rights. She should change the locks and have a talk with her dad about the boundary between parent and landlord.
Honestly think she’d be better off in a shared place. Even if that means she can’t afford to save to buy. At least she’d have an independent life.

The bottom line is, he is saying 'If you don't let me have access to your flat, at any time of day, without warning, I will punish you'.

Can't he see how wrong that sounds? How wrong it is.

Controlling, overbearing, abusive, etc etc etc..

I wonder, and I don't know him, hownhed react to his daughter having partners over when he walks in?
Is he one of those 'Men' that such shit like,
"My daughter isnt having boyfriends til shes 30. In locking her in the attic till she's 35" blah blah blah.

Cut the strings FFS, she's an adult.
If this were a 'proper' tenancy he'd be breaking the law.

This is awful, no respect for his own daughter or her privacy, making sure she knows it's his flat and doesn't forget it. And basically saying the reduction in rent is the price she must pay for loss of privacy.

I really can't understand why you've no say here and just let this go on. She's your child too, why the fuck aren't you trying to protect her from him.

Time for a strong word? That time was when this started, you're as bad as he is for allowing it to happen.

Let him keep the key but make her put a chain or bolt lock on the door so it won't actually open.

I see OP has disappeared do you think she’s being helpful and sorting out her DD’s laundry🤔

This made me feel a bit sick, what a creep.

Please don't let him control your daughter this way. This should make you uncomfortable.

what if he let himself in one day to find her walking about naked after a shower

Maybe that's what he's hoping for?

This sounds seriously weird and fucked up. Why would he need to keep doing this when he's been asked/told not to, and threaten to charge more if she wont give him free access to her home?

Creepy as fuck.

Sorry but she is colluding asking what people thought of the black Maily "take away my creeping rights and you pay more rent" thing.

I had a creepy landlord at this age who would poke around our flat

One of my best friends mother was a bit to curious about her private life. Always asking outright or hinting about potential boyfriends. My DH suggested that he and she made a mutual message on the voice mail where they pretended to be a couple. Like: "This is Helen's and Kurt's telephone" we are not at home right now". and then the next week one of her other male friends could help her make a new message on the answering machine: "This is Helen's and Anton's telephone. We are not..." and some one else the next week.

Anyway. Next time her mum was a bit too inquisitive, my friend told her about the "plan" to do the telephone messages and it made her mum understand she had crossed a line.

His behaviour is controlling, bullying and creepy. What normal father would risk walking in on his daughter in any state, doing whatever. Eeeew. You say you disagree with him but at the same time seem to be minimising his behaviour. It's gross and inappropriate at best. Poor woman, she will want no relationship with him before long. I have a friend whose parents do the same in her flat (they own it) and she is so resentful of them. As soon as she can buy her own place they will be effectively barred. Your DD will rightly do the same.

My parents, actually it was my mum, were very overbearing. They used to just turn up anannounced when I was in university accommodation, and then when I was in shared flats. It was quite trying, but they would never have insisting on having a key to anywhere I lived at least. But it did have a long lasting effect on making me feel uncomfortable for years - even when I lived in Australia I’d have it in the back of my mind they they might turn up there unannounced! What your husband is doing is 10 times worse and although previous posters might be jumping to conclusions, it does seem a little sinister. The fact that she’s come to you and told you how she feels - especially the part about locking the bathroom doors - would be ringing massive alarm bells for me.

He's disrespecting her right to privacy. It would be the same if he was entering her bedroom at home without knocking.

It's unacceptable, invasive, disrespectful and rude. If he wants to maintain a good relationship with her he needs to realise this. He's in danger of losing her or at least her respect for him.

I am in similar situation we life in FILs property , he doesn’t let himself in but comes over unannounced a lot! I don’t think he would feel entitled to do this if we were rented else where

Could you present it to him as part of adulthood is enjoying your own space and enjoying doing exactly what you want without fear of interruption by someone. He is taking that away from her. Needn't be anything like having your dad walking in whilst you're having sex but just perhaps reading on the sofa and enjoying your own place.

If the chats fail to bring him round and surrender the key I suggest your daughter leaves a dildo and handcuffs on the side next to the boiler when it's next on the blink.

My mum and dad were like this until they were met at my door by a boyfriend in his boxers. They had never met him before and new nothing about him. Worked for a short whilst!

OP I think it's lovely that you are letting her live there at reduced rent in order for her to save. However if your DH continues this behaviour I would move out because she has no privacy or quiet enjoyment of her home.

His behaviour is shocking. Perhaps show him this thread?