Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

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Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

Is this her first time living alone?
He probably thinks he is "helping" and cannot see that she would like some privacy. Good luck in speaking to him if he gets ratty just change the locks.

bottom line is ...
she pays rent,
that means she is a tenant,
that means she has the right to quiet enjoyment of the property....
irrelevant that shes your daughter
irrelevant that she pays a low rent
she pays rent!
she is a tenant!

I live in a flat owned by my parents (at very reduced rent) and they ALWAYS text to ask if it’s OK for them to pop round. And will ring the doorbell and wait for me to answer if they know I’m in, even though they have a key.

Really disturbing. Ask him how he’d feel if he walked in while she was undressed or similar. If he’s decent then he will be horrified at the thought that maybe he just hadn’t considered, and it’ll shock him into stopping his controlling ways. If he’s not shocked, then you have a much bigger problem.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unusual in charging rent, it is normal for adults living at home to contribute to the rent anyway and it’s a great way of helping while also getting them used to the real world of budgeting etc.

I think it’s about respecting boundaries now she’s an adult.
My parents have a key but ring the bell if they know we are in. If not in they just come in, but it’s because they are doing me a favour- cat feeding, dropping off shopping stuff like that. I know they are doing it in advance, so it’s ok.
One day your DH will walk in in DD in flagrante if he’s not careful!

I agree with everything Graphista wrote. He’s a creep and absolutely no respect for you daughter boundaries. I think he’s always been like this. You daughter has told you she feels uncomfortable - you need to protect her - talk to her about moving into a shared house - I’d encourage her to move if he won’t give her the key back.
He’s arrogant- YUK - you maybe finding this thread tough to read.

This is wrong op and you know it. The poor woman mustn't be able to relax at all. She is your tenant and what your husband is doing is a complete invasion of her privacy. If you aren't able to explain this to your husband then you should just change the locks. Are you scared of him by any chance? Because the impression i'm getting is that both you and your daughter are too worried to talk to him about this.

This is awful
A total invasion of privacy
It's creepy odd and controlling
DD is paying to live somewhere she can't relax in and doesn't have privacy .

Hello OP,
Are you afraid of broaching this matter seriously with your husband for some reason?

Don't you think you should be able to say to him "come on, this has got to stop"? I have the feeling that you are hesitating because of how you think he might react.

He doesn't seem to care too much about your feelings either, if he can blithely say "well, if she wants her privacy, she must pay market rate", as if you have no say in the running of your properties...

Please stand up for your daughter, before she becomes resentful of both of you.

Your daughter needs her privacy it really isn’t fair. Imagine not being able to feel comfortable in your own home. When I was at home parents would knock before entering my room and if they needed something they would text ask if they could go get it from in there.
Now they have their own key to my house they still knock and wait for us to open the door (they have a key and you can just open the door from the outside anyways) even when they have asked to come and told us they are on their way.
How mortified would he be if he caught her naked or having sex?

I would be perturbed by his feeling that she has to pay full rent in order to ‘deserve’ full privacy. He is in effect, even if unintended, demanding that she constantly show how grateful she is for the flat and your(his) help by allowing him completely free access to her life and living space. It isn’t fair because she was not told this would be part of the bargain and so couldn’t factor in this ‘price’. (Which he is obviously capable of acknowledging if he can put a price on privacy - full market rent in his view.) If someone had offered that to me I would have chosen something I could afford on the salary I earned even if it was a houseshare. It’s important. If their relationship was previously good, he stands to ruin it or at very least seriously affect it. If he can make a distinction between someone who pays for privacy and someone who doesn’t, then he should see there is a solution in putting it in writing, making ‘access’ one of the terms and allowing her either to negotiate (with times, notice etc - she must anyway insist on notice) or reject the contract on those terms. What is he overprotective of - the flat? Or her? If he is worried about the flat, a new arrangement needs to be made - maybe helping her rent somewhere more within her own means. She may miss living in prestigious surrounds but ultimately sounds like she’d be happier in a cheaper place with more natural freedom for a 24 year old. Your husband needs to recognise that the flat may belong to him, but his adult daughter is not his to walk in on whenever he feels like and however convenient for him the flat in London is something has to change. I am sure there are fathers and landlords out there who would share my views. The sad fact is you may need him to gather views from people other than yourself and your daughter. In my experience, there are some men who will not accept any point of view unless there hear it from another man - then it is somehow valid.

We don't charge rent either - who rents a home they own to their child FFS?

Most parents expect their adult children living at home to make a financial contribution. How is this any different?

By the way, you obviously know him best, but it may be an idea to raise the issue again in the rational, contractual, factual terms I’ve described above - he may get defensive as soon as emotions are brought into it. Not saying I think that’s fine, just that it may help get the conversation moving more helpfully.

We are planning to let our eldest DS and his partner rent our flat out when they finish uni. It is in London and with the cost of living we are happy to support him in returning home to London. I would never just let myself in to the flat. I don’t now and we have a tenant in it so the same rules should apply when my DS moves in. My OH, well I have a feeling he could be like your DH where he has a sense of entitlement about just turning up as it’s his. However I will be ensuring this is all clear before the flat is rented out. My OH is in arrogant ass too.

He's not protective if he's going in when she's not even there. He's definitely being controlling. It has to stop.
As it's just as much your property as his, change the lock and tell him why. And if he demands full rent so your DD can have the privacy she deserves I'm sure you will find the right words to sort him out.

What is he over protective of - the flat? Or her?
I assume her but he’s doing it under the guise of the flat. Eg using an argument that his children don’t look after things or his dd didn’t when she was a teen or something.

Hopefully op will come back to explain more.

It's quite shocking that in effect your husband is telling your daughter that she has to pay a lot of money for the right to normal privacy in her home. His position is inconsistent anyway; if the flat needs to be checked on so much, surely receiving more rent wouldn't logicaIly change that situation.

If your husband won't see sense about this, including the fact that he's going the right way to drive your daughter away, tell him that as joint owner of the flat you are changing the locks and you do not agree to the rent being raised. In legal terms, there is not much he could do about it then.

Hmmm, see I can (and do) walk into my parents house if I'm passing it want to borrow something. Do the same with my bro and grandparents. They all do the same to me and their friends. Most of us grew up living on the same street as our extended family and doors were usually left open, if not unlocked!
This isn't so much the norm these days, people like their privacy more. Perhaps your DH has a similar family?

I was in my mid twenties when my partner at the time and I bought a house. His dad was a painter decorator and was helping us do the house up. He had a house key and was a believer in getting up early and hard work. So he would turn up at 8 to 9 on a Saturday or Sunday...the only reason we would know is that we were just awake and heard the key in the lock. That was awkward for me as the loo and shower were downstairs so I waited in bed for about half an hour waiting for him to leave...but it was soon obvious he wasn't. Another time my partner and I were getting physical ;) on the landing only for the key in the lock to go...so a MAD scramble to make ourselves decent and look innocent. It was bloody awful. The house was not our own and although we were very grateful for his help and knowledge, what would it have taken for him to have had the respect to ring and let us know he was free and popping round in 10 minutes? He knew that we were a young couple and with a house of our own finally he must also have guessed there may be times we needed our privacy. I saw him as pervy. I soon stopped visiting the PIL house, MIL was fine but I wanted nothing to do with the FIL. Utter creep.

Obviously though this is your dd's dad. He absolutely needs to stop this TODAY. I wonder would he have walked into her room at home while she was in it? Possibly getting dressed etc? Without knocking? I wonder if he would pop around so often if she were a son? I don't mean that in a pervy way but in how son's can be viewed differently to a daughter? Either way its not right and its not okay.

Suggest your daughter considers installing CCTV with capability to remotely view footage on her phone? Good for general security purposes & no logical reason why father could object?!😇

If she is paying rent then she has a legally enforceable contract and the laws apply no matter how casual your husband thinks it is.

He is invading her privacy and being very controlling.

I think that's weird, creepy and totally unacceptable.
I'd rather live in a garden shed.

He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent.
His behaviour is not only controlling but horrible.

He just wants to control her and is doing it in quite a creepy way.

I know she's getting a lower rent from you but if I were her I would move out and find a house share.

My dad used to do this, my mum wanted an easy life and wouldn't stand up to him so the last time he did it I threatened to phone the police and report that an uninvited person was in my home. He didn't do it again and realised what an arsehole he had been.