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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has a vile 13 year old DS?

139 replies

Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:14

Sorry to post here - extra traffic

I suspect my DS 13 may have ADHD. We are awaiting an ed psych assessment and are also waiting to see Cahms.

He has control issues and his anxiety is masked with angry outbursts.

School are trying to support him by tweaking his timetable so he only has lessons with teachers he gets on with (he has a massive problem with authority and therefore there is a clash when teachers try to control him - he is always sent out for being disruptive). It has recently come to light he has 'a learning difficulty' - will get more details when I meet with school soon.

He is aggressive and smashes things up in the house and has been violent towards me and DH, on occasion we called the police and he wasn't phased at all when getting a 'telling off'- maybe next time we should press charges so he can spend the night in the cells- although I feel torn as he is only 13 and I really don't want him to have anything on record which may impact his future.

He has just thrown my clothes airers across the room because he couldn't find his jacket quick enough as he wants to go out.

He doesn't respond to 'normal' discipline methods such as taking his stuff away and grounding him. He can't seem to grasp consequences despite continually re-inforcing boundaries.

Don't really want to go down the route of medication.

I don't react to him in when he's in a rage and I do try and talk to him when he's calm but he just doesn't want anything to do with me, just tells me to 'go away'.

Anyone relate to this? Really interested to hear from any one who may have experience? Really want to help him but don't know how he's only 13 :(

Many thanks
Marie

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 15/09/2018 18:18

I think that you could/ should consider medicating him.

If not for his own sake.

Does he see a therapist?

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 18:20

Only 13? Has he never had any behavioural issues before? I can’t believe this has suddenly manifested for no reason.
You first posted about this blaming the school as he had a low reading age and couldn’t do the work before saying he behaved badly at home too.
Don’t think reading issues, ADHD or the school are the issue here.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:20

Losing -yes I think as reluctant as I am maybe medication may be is the only answer?

We started seeing a therapist last week - but of course that will only be effective if he opens up and he just won't talk to anyone.

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 15/09/2018 18:23

I don't have the same but I would try medication. I'm not a fan of medication but you can't go on like this and you could try and stop if it doesn't work.

Might be worth moving to SEN rather than AIBU to get people with experiences of ADHD. My son is 11 and ASD but he's just cuddly at home, a bit more volatile at school but nothing like above. Might be worth assessing for ASD at same time as they often co-occur.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:25

Wolfie - yes I partly blame the school for not picking this up.

He's had issues since about age 7 or 8, but they have gradually got worse and worse.

What do you think the issue is then? It has been suggested by the medical professionals we have seen that he may have ADHD

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 15/09/2018 18:26

Could you have added to one of the multiple other threads you've started about him, so people know the background? It's disingenuous to keep tweaking the story each time you post.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:26

yes thanks penguins, have already posted on SEN board.

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 15/09/2018 18:27

Ed Psych at least were we where didn't do ADHD or autism nor did CAHMS, it was a seperate referral altogether I think via GP. Ask GP to refer you. If his reading age is very low have you checked for dyslexia? I would check for as much as you can, if you know what you are dealing with it helps.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 18:28

What medical professionals said ADHD?
What methods have you tried? What about the Other members of the family?
Any major upheavals?
You can’t blame a school he’s been at for two years if he’s been acting up for 6.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:28

bombardier

I have only written about him on 2 threads. 1 last month about him smoking weed and one yesterday which I asked to be removed because comments were offensive and unhelpful

I haven't tweaked anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:31

Wolfie

I'm just a bit surprised school didn't flag this up that's all, don't really blame anyone, just wish I could understand

We have tried rewarding good behaviour, have liaised with a youth worker who he regularly sees, taken him to see the GP, tried and get him 'into' an activity.

There was a death in the family 5 years ago, this probably added to things,

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:32

His therapist and GP indicated traits of ADHD

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 15/09/2018 18:33

School can also bring in people to help like behaviour support service who advice school, never used this but think they can also come to your home and see what he's like there though you can decline this if you don't want it. I would do something though as the older they get untreated the bigger a problem it often becomes.

Needahairbrush · 15/09/2018 18:34

I have a DS 13, he has angry outbursts, storming about & shouting and slamming doors etc, but he’s not violent at home. I’m ashamed to say he’s told me to fuck off recently during a row and I went nuclear at him.
He can still be pleasant and helpful when he wants but more often than not he’s disrespectful.
He’s permanently banned from the PlayStation as it seemed to be triggering more rages.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:34

penguins, yes thank you - it would be easier if we could identify what the problem is - I think it is a strong possibility he has dyslexia

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:35

Needahairbrush

Lol I never thought I'd hear my son tell me to Fuck Off but he's been doing this for a year now! Good luck with the PlayStation ban

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 18:38

The problem? I wouldn’t be trying to pin all his behaviour on one cause such as dyslexia or ADHD. It really isn’t that simple. I would look for strategies and techniques to deal with the situation.
Who do you mean by “we”? What consequences does he face? What does he do with his time out of school? Why does he get on with certain teachers? Is it certain subjects or particular approaches?

Needahairbrush · 15/09/2018 18:40

Thanks, that was a new one for us 🙄 it made me cry. I could never ever imagine telling my parents to fuck off.
He was very remorseful since, and seems to have accepted the ban.

whereiscaroline · 15/09/2018 18:40

My son has ADHD and ODD and sounds like your son, but on a lesser scale (he's only 11). The part about authority/struggling with certain teachers who he declares that he "hates", as well as the anxiety which is completely masked by rage, both ring a particular bell. Do you have funds for a private assessment to speed up the process, given he's that bit older? It might be different in your area but getting the dx was a really drawn out process for us.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:43

Whereiscaroline

Yes we can maybe pay privately - just out of interest - it's not whether he gets a diagnosis or not it's how on earth to handle him? I suspect a diagnosis will give him access to more support though maybe?

OP posts:
Ilmb · 15/09/2018 18:43

My 12 year old has asd and adhd, severe anxiety and dyslexia. He was very very similar to this until was put on fluoxetine a year ago. He’s much calmer now. Still have problems but much easier to deal with. I’m sure you’re already aware, and I haven’t read the other thread but smoking weed can make people aggressive and paranoid...

Ilmb · 15/09/2018 18:44

In my area when he was younger it was Camhs that diagnosed adhd and it was paediatrician who diagnose asd. When a child turns 11 Camhs then are able to assess for asd... maybe each area is different.

VerWrongIca · 15/09/2018 18:46

Are you the same poster that blamed his entire behaviour on the school and took zero responsibility for yourself?

Ilmb · 15/09/2018 18:47

A diagnosis will open more pathways definitely. Have a google on PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. There is a fab book that I can’t remember who by or what it’s called, I’ll try to dig it out but I’m sure someone will come along and suggest it soon. My son fits a lot of pda traits but not all the time. Have a look at ways you would deal with a child with pda and try some of the strategies. It helped me, silly things like ‘do you want to get dressed upstairs or downstairs?’ You’re still giving them control over a situation but you’re getting the outcome you need. That’s a silly example but you get what I mean.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:54

Wolfie - Yes I agree - I don't think there is a single issue - there seems to be a lot going on for him and I don't seem to be able to separate it into behaviours which we are able to deal singularly.

I do want strategies to deal with him - that's what I am struggling with.

'We' are DH and me. We also have a younger DS who's 11. He has a diagnosis of autism but is actually not the one causing us all the stress!

He get's on with teachers who are 'nice' to him and show patience and empathy - most teachers do see him as a naughty child. I totally understand this, I know a teacher has a whole class to teach and there is probably nothing worse than the kids who disrupt the class and therefore it's understandable he is sent out. But although this is a short term solution - it's not helping him as he is not learning anything either. He spends most of his time in internal exclusion.

He has already been excluded (temporarily) just two weeks in to term. Friday he was blamed for putting chalk on another child's blazer. He swears it wasn't him - not 100% sure if I believe him or not - just he tends to always get the blame because of his reputation.

Outside of school he goes out with friends to the cinema and swimming. He also plays on his XBox.

We take his stuff off him and ground him, but he just goes into further violent outbursts and repeats the same pattern of behaviour without learning anything or improving. We ground him, he climbs out of the window.

OP posts: