To ask if anyone has a vile 13 year old DS?

[Marie0]

Sorry to post here - extra traffic

I suspect my DS 13 may have ADHD. We are awaiting an ed psych assessment and are also waiting to see Cahms.

He has control issues and his anxiety is masked with angry outbursts.

School are trying to support him by tweaking his timetable so he only has lessons with teachers he gets on with (he has a massive problem with authority and therefore there is a clash when teachers try to control him - he is always sent out for being disruptive). It has recently come to light he has 'a learning difficulty' - will get more details when I meet with school soon.

He is aggressive and smashes things up in the house and has been violent towards me and DH, on occasion we called the police and he wasn't phased at all when getting a 'telling off'- maybe next time we should press charges so he can spend the night in the cells- although I feel torn as he is only 13 and I really don't want him to have anything on record which may impact his future.

He has just thrown my clothes airers across the room because he couldn't find his jacket quick enough as he wants to go out.

He doesn't respond to 'normal' discipline methods such as taking his stuff away and grounding him. He can't seem to grasp consequences despite continually re-inforcing boundaries.

Don't really want to go down the route of medication.

I don't react to him in when he's in a rage and I do try and talk to him when he's calm but he just doesn't want anything to do with me, just tells me to 'go away'.

Anyone relate to this? Really interested to hear from any one who may have experience? Really want to help him but don't know how he's only 13 :(

Many thanks
Marie

We had a terrible time with bright but dyslexic DS1 when he moved to secondary school.
Swearing at us and calling us names: I had a moment of clarity and calm while driving him to school because he was refusing to go, so after he’d called me a fucking bitch and told me he hated me I told him I really loved him and would always be there for him in response. He was sick with guilt all day, and now, at the age of 15, says “I feel really bad about how I used to swear at you Mum”.
We grounded him and banned him from the Xbox. He jumped from a second story window and went out. I chased him in my pjs for miles while holding my tits because I had no bra on.
I couldn’t physically overpower him and force him home, but I’m sure he didn’t enjoy his middle aged Mum chasing him with his mates in her slippers. It meant he couldn’t settle down and crack a can and spark up a spliff though.
In the end, we quit punishing him as we wanted him home, so there were no xbox or internet bans. Keep it nice at home so he wants to be home and to be with you. Make it so you are the preferable option sometimes.
Keep him close; do “Mum and lad” days if he needs new trainers make it so you have lunch out.
Don’t freak with the small stuff. He will grow up and his brain will develop. Our 15 year old, while not perfect, is now a pleasure to be around.
Be boring, don’t react or punish, just show him the right way, make Home a nice environment for him and reward good behaviour. Don’t be afraid to tell him how hurt/upset you are. He needs to realise you have feelings too and to feel genuine empathy and remorse. Lots of teenagers lack natural empathy and maybe mentioning your feelings will develop that. Best of luck. It’s a long slog, but don’t give up.

Please don't medicate. Get professional guidance on dealing with his behaviour - you can only really control your own responses. Sounds like he's battling to engage with school work. Try put yourself in his shoes - somewhere is the rational person trying to figure the world out and giving a bit of space and making sure he knows you're 'on his side' can work wonders. Take time to do things he enjoys doing with him. It's easy to get so caught up in daily struggle you forget to have fun also.

Continually

Thank you - I did write a thread about a month ago because I just found out my DS (then 12) had started smoking weed. This was my first thread on MN

I also posted a thread on teenage board about grief as I'd just had my first meeting with a therapist and I was a bit upset. I also started a thread yesterday because I was told my DS has a learning disability but I thought it had been removed (but not according to other posters).

I am not aware that I have done anything wrong but I suppose it would make more sense to put all this information together - truth is I'm not really sure how to do that - I think I've created the impression that I shouldn't be taken seriously because I am lacking in IT skills - I do of course take all responsibility - I am a complete dunce on the computer :) :)

Forgot to say, the school will delay and be reluctant about assessing your boy. We weren’t prepared to delay and had him assessed by a private child psychologist when he was 8. I would recommend you do this rather than spend months/ years battling with the education authorities.

YeShite

I'm sorry you feel that way, I am definitely not trying to manipulate or take advantage of anyone.

I don't know what reddit is if indeed that is aimed at me?

Sorry if I've given the wrong impression I really am not what you are suggesting

I've only posted a handful of threads as listed above

Well it isn’t unusual for 13 yos to be vile op - it isn’t my forte so to speak but best of luck with it.

YTSH - MN aren’t just interested in reports re trolls but in posters who may be here for reasons that are not genuine, so report her. As I said, MN clearly didn’t agree where your own posts are concerned so I have managed to go the best part of six weeks without repeatedly telling you I don’t like your posts

I don't know what reddit is if indeed that is aimed at me?

It wasn’t.

If I have misunderstood, I apologise.

However, it does seem a lot like when a thread doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, you stop responding and that’s why I was pissed off. People take the time to respond from their own experiences, and you’re clearly tech minded enough to start a thread so it seemed implausible.

Anyway, I shall bow out.

YeTalkShite

Can you explain to me what I have done wrong? I really don't understand

Is it because I haven't put all this information together? I don;t know how to do that

continuallychargingmyphone you’re under the very mistaken impression that your opinion matters to me

Op, thanks. I told all 3 of mine today that I'm just a normal person, like them, who grew up and had kids. And right now I can't deal with them. I told them to think maybe mum got it wrong but meant well.

I don't know what to suggest. I read the reading age thing - it's just based on words etc. Not sure why you had such a hard time for not realising.

Anyhow, yes I'd be happier without this.

I am replying - especially to you :)

DH collected DS at lunch time as he had an appointment with the local mental health people at the hospital and they didn;t get back till later after end of school day

But if DH discovered at lunchtime that he'd been excluded, wouldn't you expect that he'd have let you know straight away? To me, that would be a catastrophe I'd be all over, not something I might mention when it was convenient?

Can you explain to me what I have done wrong? I really don't understand

Drip feeding and leaving threads isn’t fair on posters responding. It’s not about not putting information together, it’s about each thread being completely and utterly different about the same child. It looks odd, and doesn’t ring true.

However, it might be, so again, if I’ve misunderstood I’m sorry.

Posters are still trying to help you on yesterday’s thread! You’ve not been back for pages.

Poor behaviour is not an indication of ADHD.
Resistance to authority is not an indicator of ADHD.

ADHD is about concentration and impulsivity.

They may become frustrated due to lack of working memory and their impulsivity cause them to react inappropriately but they will generally know what they did was wrong.

If it is ADHD it will respond to medication. If it's something else it won't.

Behavioural issues without social communication difficulties are generally attachment related. There is no medication for that.

Why not ask for a referral to parenting classes such as Solihull or Webster Stratton. Most CAMHs will not diagnose and will not medicate until environmental causes have been ruled out.

It’s not about whether my opinion matters to you or not. Put simply, you can ignore posts and posters you dislike or report them if you feel it’s gone too far.

YeShite - no I really am that stupid - computers are not part of my skill set, sorry if I give the impression of not replying when things don;t go my way -

I admit I probably have done that before - I remember the weed thread didn't 'go my way' it was my first MN post - I admit I was naive and probably did bail out, not this time though - I will try and stay for the duration :)

In which case I am sorry, I’ll ask MN to delete my comments saying otherwise.

continually how’s that working out for you?

Yesterday's thread?? I thought that was deleted? I can;t find it anywhere lol sorry I understand now

Op.... I am in a very similar position with ds he is 13 too. Diagnosed asd add and odd..but i suspect pda. I posted a few weeks ago a very similar thread. I have too called the police on my son and it broke my heart.
After a week from hell with him this week. I have been looking for a private pshciatrist who will medicate him for our sakes and his.
Once his violence is under control I will look at talking therapies again, they haven't been helpful before.
I would pay to get a private diagnosis on your part..if they offer meds take them..there is no shame it's in his interest.
Tell the school you are seeking a diagnosis too and you would like reports on what support he can have access too.
I hear you op it's fucking miserable for all of us.

yes puzzled - normally DH would have called straight away- I was in work and of course he couldn't call me at the medical appointment. Sorry it doesn't give a true reflection of how we normally are - but yesterday was really dysfunctional!

It’s great you’ve read the book and have started implementing strategies but a month isn’t long at all, especially at that age.

It sounds as though it’s all a bit all over the place - possible ADHD/PDA/ASD/linked anxiety. Whilst having a diagnosis won’t in itself improve things, identifying the cause of the behaviour will help you implement some stratergies to help. You say he doesn’t respond to consequences, boundaries and normal discipline methods but it sounds as though you are still continuing with these methods (although I may have the wrong impression as it isn’t fully clear).

Would a private assessment be possible? Even to just give you an idea of whether you are looking at ASD/ADHD/PDA or possibly a combination and to help you identify where he is struggling most and give you some stratergies to try.

Have to tried consistently using the PDA stratergies? They focus around reducing the anxiety in order to see improvement. But if you are disciplining him at the same time and he’s struggling massively at school it will be hard for it to work.

yesterday’s thread

I’ve reported my comments and asked for them to be removed. Sorry OP.

I think that weed is the problem. Every stoner I know can’t handle conflict and goes into maximum rage without a build up.

Stop his money. Tell him nothing else has worked